it could take my whole damn life to make this right
I can't say waking up in a hospital, with an IV feeding you wonder drugs that are some weak attempt to sedate you from wondering what the hell has happened or why your entire body just aches, is the best way in the world to come to some sort of consciousness. Personally, waking up next to Veronica would have been first choice, but this is the sort
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Which is of course how I even got here in the first place. I got over the stupid fear I was letting control me and decided happiness with Logan was worth everything that would come along with it.
"And I'm really sorry my trying to plan out where we're going from here freaked you out or whatever, but planning and taking control of the situations that make me feel like everything's spinning out and I can't stop it? It's now I deal. Single minded focus on one goal. Finding my mom. Finding yours. Finding Lilly's killer. Finding Felix's. Getting us to Virgina Beach in the first place." It was essentially the 'give up or push through' thing again, and I'd always rather the push through. "I need to be doing something or I'll go crazy. And I really can't do much about the fact that you're laying in that damn bed, now can I?" I pointed out quietly.
"I'm sorry I can't just let this go like you want me to. I'm trying. It's not working because every time I close my eyes I'm back in the apartment, desperately trying to slow your bleeding, getting covered in your blood in the process. It's still all over my clothes Logan! I know you want me to act like nothing happened, but it did, okay? I can't forget get the sickening sent of coppery blood mixed with gun powder, or you twisting in pain telling my dad you couldn't stay awake! Don't you think I've tried?! I'd rather not remember that or keep living it over and over, but it's like this horrible movie in my head that won't. stop. playing." I insisted slowly and clearly. I was sure I was shaking as I dug my nails into the blanket on the bed, but at this point I figure we're both better off if he knew exactly where my problem in just letting this all go was.
"I'll be okay. I'm not sure I am right now. Just give me a little bit of time for all this to settle in and let it register that you're okay." I stated softly, locking my eyes with his. "Stop telling me you fine and let me see that for myself."
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"And your need to do something is driving me absolutely up the wall right now!" I added with a heavy sigh of exhaustion. She was trying to deal. I got that. She was trying to do what ever she needed to, but it just conflicted. It was all just exasperating me.
"You've got plans, that's fine. You can have your own plans, but I can't do that. I cannot have my whole life being plotted out just for some semblance of control that I'm not even going to get in the end. Guess what, Veronica? Believe it or not, you don't have the control. Life just happens."
And so does death.
"You may not be that same girl that you were before Lilly, but I'm not that same guy either. It's just this part of something. Whatever." I didn't, in the end, want to even start talking about Lilly and the fact that we were almost completely destroyed by her death. "I didn't fucking choose to end up in this bed with a bullet hole and you worrying over me like I'm going to die at any moment and that just has to stop. I don't want to freaking die, okay? And maybe this whole last year hasn't proven it to you and maybe this makes it worse for you, but I don't. I didn't choose this like my mother chose to jump off that goddamn bridge!"
I can feel my chest just aching for a moment at the fact that my mother had chosen the comfort of death over her own son - because I had needed her. I had needed Lilly, but they left and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do about it now.
"I'm fine, Veronica," I said again, after a moment, but calmly.
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"Okay, sure, life just happens. I can't control everything. Obviously or we'd still have our moms wouldn't we?" I pointed out. "I don't see what's so wrong about having goals, though. You know how much I want to go to Berkley! I've loved being here with you, even when we're screaming at each other, but Berkley's always been the plan for me. You might not want to plan for a future you don't think you're going to get. Fine. Whatever, give up, act like nothing we do makes any bit of difference or matters at all because it's all being decided for us. I can't do that. You know I can't." Why else would we even be here if I was fine with just sitting and waiting for things to happen? In Virgina Beach, together, any of it? This is my life and I have absolutely every intention to live it the way I want to. "Did I ever once say you had to go with me? The whole school thing is my plan. my dream. You have to follow yours." Of course I'd want him there. I'd want to see him more often than school breaks or weekends that I'd managed to pull off the free time, but it wasn't like I was forcing him at knife point to move to Berkeley with me when I went.
"When did I say you chose this?!" I snapped, shaking my head. I didn't want to be mad at him now. Especially not like this, not when he's pointing out he chose to stay, unlike his mom. "Dammit, Logan... I hadn't actually worried about that once since we'd gotten back together... months of not worrying you were going to die -" and leave me all alone, "until the blood started oozing through your shirt on our kitchen floor tonight. Then it was kind of hard to ignore for a while." I pointed out with a sigh. "You were safe in jail until I broke you out. I'm the one with a smashed up car and the threatening note." I added, a weak teasing smile playing on my lips for a moment.
"I'm sorry, okay?" I asked softly, closing my eyes. "I wasn't trying to drive you insane. I don't want to fight with you. I'm just so tired and I've got all this anxiousness and worry still bouncing around because that's all I've been feeling since we saw Liam, and I don't know how to make it go away." I paused, taking a breath, "I've never really had to before. As hurt as my dad was in that fire, I never thought for a second he was going to die. With Lilly it was after the fact. The bus crash? I drove Duncan so crazy he didn't know what to do with me. I need massive amounts of therapy or something..." I shook my head again before I opened my eyes and searched his face.
"Bottom line? I need sleep and time to process. I just love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love any guy, you've been my entire world for months now and you scared the hell out of me tonight." I know in the past Logan and I have been far from stable, but these last few months... this can work if we want it badly enough, and I can't imagine a future without him anymore. "I thought I was going to lose you, but you're okay now, and you're gonna heal, so I should stop acting like a total spaz before you tell me to get lost for good." I said, my voice near a whisper.
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"I'm not saying any of that," I start, but stop all over again because I feel tired and winded from being yelled at, from yelling, from all of the crap I went through this evening. Mostly, I just don't want to deal, but I can't even get started about any of the stuff that we're going through - that I'm going through and that she's going through. It's exhausting.
"I'm not going to tell you to get lost or anything like that, Veronica. I'm just really not." Shaking my head toward her briefly, I let out a breath. "And I'm sorry that you've been worried over me. I'm sorry that I really don't help that. I'm just.... I'm so freaking exhausted right now. I just need to wake up tomorrow and be less injured and be less sore than I am right now."
"... Because I feel horrible," I start, my throat closing in on me. I was finding it hard to begin to breathe again and I couldn't stop it. "I feel horrible and I got shot and I almost freaking died today. And, Veronica, I didn't want to die because I love you and you make everything out there worth it when it's never been."
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"Hey...shhh." I whispered when I see the look on his face, the same one he had at the Neptune Grand after the fight with Trina... when it hit that his mom was really gone. He's scared, and he's hurt and I'm being this total spastic bitch? Right.
I suck.
He says he didn't want to die because he loves me and I make everything worth it, and my automatic impulse is to hold him, make sure he knew I was there if he needed to cry, but I didn't want to hurt him, so I carefully settled on the edge of his bed and press a soft kiss to his lips. For a change I want to be the one comforting him, reassuring him that everything's going to be okay.
He really didn't have to act all brave for me, but he probably didn't even know that from the way I'd been carrying on, did he? "Logan, it's okay..." I promised gently, caressing his cheek softly, "I'm right here. You're stuck with me. You're totally safe here, it's just us." In other words 'you know it's okay to cry here'. He just wasn't because I was so scared before. I'd bet money on that.
"I love you so much. I don't even have the words to explain to you how much, but I don't remember what it's like to not feel so loved, and safe and whole as I do with you. You know that, right?" I asked him, lacing our fingers again, "And I know you don't want me fussing over you, but at least lean on me, okay? I'm not gonna break and you don't have to hold everything in." God knows if I did that I'd probably go supernova if tonight's any indication.
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I break to give her a small smile even though it's forced after all of this. "You know, I really loved it here. I really thought everything could work out here and I just forgot that everything else existed. It's kinda a crappy way of ending the stay. I ran away with my girlfriend to Virginia Beach and all I got was this lousy bullet hole."
I shook my head slightly to her. "It feels like I don't even know what's going to happen next."
Other than the fact that I'm pretty sure that they don't let patients with bullet holes go without an overnight stay or two, our life back in Neptune had gone on without us. Everything just went on without us.
"Oh my god, you two! Do you know how worried I've been?"
I have to give an external groan at that voice because without a doubt I knew who Keith Mars had called at some point, who apparent was eager to get on a plane and play the concerned older sister. "You've got to be kidding me," I breathed, mostly to myself.
"And you. You really need a lecture, don't you?"
"Yeah, probably, but I sure hope it happens when I have the ability to run away from it."
"And here I thought there'd been enough running away for you," she chastised.
"Not from you," I countered. "Trina, what are you even doing here? Don't you have some movie or high school play."
"The show will go on!
Really? Without her. Let me feign disbelief. I see Keith Mars standing in the doorway with this apologetic look on his face that he didn't mean to unleash my sister on me and her being here is merely an accident. I believe it. I'm sure he's dealt with Trina at least for the past few months for what Veronica told me every time she got off the phone.
"Well, I'm sure Logan could use some rest." He intervenes. "We all could use some probably. It's been a long day."
"Too long." I say, dully, my fingers still laced with Veronica's.
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