it could take my whole damn life to make this right

[logan_echolls]

I can't say waking up in a hospital, with an IV feeding you wonder drugs that are some weak attempt to sedate you from wondering what the hell has happened or why your entire body just aches, is the best way in the world to come to some sort of consciousness. Personally, waking up next to Veronica would have been first choice, but this is the sort

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[logan_echolls]

"I did ask for you to come," I said to her though I really had to ponder how to answer her question on how I was truly feeling. I mean, I had asked for her company, yes. I wanted to be around her, yes. But I didn't want it all about me. I gave a sort of nod towards her, disappointed that she had moved away so quickly that I couldn't have caught her for a kiss back. "I'm okay. Battle wounds, I guess," I said, teasing briefly. It really was some sort of battle wound and maybe for pointing a gun and Liam Fitzpatrick I actually get one shot at me, but it was over with.

She's going through like five conversations in two minutes and I'm still feeling the slightest bit dizzy from the medication so it's hard to follow in the process. It almost didn't occur to me with not paying the rent on the dock location for the yacht it's probably been seized along with all my possessions. I almost wanted to ask What home? We had a home here and maybe I deluded myself in the thought that we wouldn't go back to Neptune and that we could just be happy here with everything. It was a stupid thought.

"Yeah, I think I'm good to go. I was kinda fazing out on everything that they told me, but I'm pretty sure it'll be repeated," I said to her as I leaned back against the pillows supporting the position I was in. I had to ignore the stuff about Lamb finally arresting Felix's real killer - I'd only be bitter now - and I had to ignore her whole statement of thanking me. I didn't need to be thanked. Not for that. Not for not even thinking about what I was doing. Especially when there was nothing else I could have done.

"So, are they utterly pissed that we lied to them?" I asked Veronica. Maribeth was hurt. Probably the rest of them and Shira was too young to know, but she was old enough to know that something was going on.

"See, this is why I never cook," I quipped.

[renewedsoul_v]

"Okay, true. Stupid question, I guess. Sorry." I apologised. He wouldn't have had the doctor come tell me that he'd asked to see me if he wasn't even sort've up for company.

Of course I was so stressed out that I was half amazed that I wasn't literally vibrating right now, so I'm not sure logic's figuring into my thought process right now.

"I know hospitals aren't exactly your favourite place in the world, but I think the doctors are going to want you to stay so they can make sure you really are okay before they sign off on you leaving the building." I pointed out, kissing him again softly, "I'll stay with you, though." Right, because I was sleeping much either way? Doubtful. I was completely exhausted, but I knew there was no way I was ever going to relax enough to fall asleep without Logan.

It wasn't really hard to see the thought process when I'd mentioned home. He doesn't have one back in Neptune anymore. It's not like I didn't get that. But we didn't have to worry about that right now, did we? We could figure it out after we'd had a bit of a chance to catch our breath.

"Maribeth seemed pretty hurt. Dad and I both tried to tell them that most of what we'd told them was actually the truth, which it was... but I'm not sure they believed me. I was kind of too busy worrying about you to spend too much time trying to convince them of something when I didn't think they were going to believe me anyway... I can try talking to them again, though." I told him. I knew they'd become pretty important to both of us, and despite Logan's mistrust of them to start with, he really cared about them like they were family. More than he did his own family in a lot of ways.

"Logan..." I shook my head, laughing softly, "I'm gonna talk you into it eventually. You know I am."

[logan_echolls]

"Hey," I tugged her closer to me for a light kiss, my fingers intertwining with hers. "Can you relax for like two seconds for me, Veronica? You're just completely all over the place and I'm drugged and I can't follow it all - probably not even if I wasn't hopped up on Morphine or whatever they have in this IV. I'm right here - hole in me, yes - but still here. So, chill just for a second."

She was going to drive me insane if she kept at her anxious topic jumping.

"I kinda just wanted to see you. And we can convince them that it's not that bad, because really it's not. I want to go home." Actually, I just preferred Neptune a little more than hospitals. Though they almost tied. Probably the only thing that broke that tie was the fact that I knew Veronica wanted to go home too. It was hard not to see in her eyes. All I wanted to do was go too.

"So, I'll get out of here and go home," I insisted.

I truthfully didn't want to see the looks on Maribeth and Daniel's faces with the fact that we had lied to them. I'd rather just bypass it all, because I had disappointed them. The weird thing was that I had no problem disappointing people. In fact I had disappointed my family my whole life. I just hadn't wanted to disappoint them.

[renewedsoul_v]

I returned the kiss softly as I gave his hand a light squeeze. I think more to convince myself he really was here than anything else. "I'm trying. I am. I really am." I whispered softly, trying to keep my emotions in check. I wasn't crying again. There was no reason to cry. He was okay. Everything was going to be okay...

I still hadn't quite been able to move past how close I'd come to losing him. I mean, technically he died. His heart had stopped. But he was right, he's still here.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be such a spaz." I murmured, brushing his hair off his forehead with my free hand before I kissed him again. "I love you so much."

"We should probably sleep, and maybe arrange for some way to ship all our stuff back first." I pointed out when he started insisting he'd get out and we'd go home. "It's kind of a long trip back to Neptune, remember?" I definitely got why he wanted leave, but he was hurt, and I was so tired. We couldn't start a cross country drive like this. And we couldn't really get my pretty new car home unless we drove.

I should probably get my dad to go back to the apartment with me and help me box everything up, I'm just not sure I can even handle going in there right now.

[logan_echolls]

I reached up and cupped her cheek softly, my thumb softly stroking her cheekbone as I kissed her softly again. "Love you too," I told her, reassuring her. She looked exhausted and I had to wonder how long this had all took. She even sounded close to crying again and I shook my head at it. The truth was I don't think I could handle watching her cry over this - me - again.

"Look," I started, putting her hand on the left side of my chest, "heart beating. Lungs getting plenty of air. And I'm sure given time all part of me will be perfectly fine and into any wild kinky sex acts that we want to try. Just for future references."

But really the first step was getting me out of this hospital and back to Neptune.

As tired as I was, I wasn't impressed with the prospect of sleeping in this hospital. "So, then we'll go tomorrow. I mean, it won't take that long. I just don't want to be in here for like a week. You are going to attempt actual sleep aren't you? I'm not going to have to grind painkillers into your food or something?"

[renewedsoul_v]

I relaxed slightly at his simple loving actions. Here he was, laying in a hospital bed, and he's still the one taking care of me, reassuring and making me feel better when it should be the other way around. "Apparently despite your girlfriend's badass, tough girl image, she's a big baby when she gets decently scared." I whispered softly, "I'm okay though. Really."

I caressed his chest softly with my thumb after he placed my hand over his heart to prove to me it was actually beating. "Might not want to let my dad hear you talk like that, or those facts might become slightly questionable." I smirked softly. "I thought he was going to have a coronary when Daniel referred to you as my husband." I pointed out a I leaned in to kiss him again softly.

"No, it won't take long. I'm sure my dad and I can have everything packed in the morning. Might not be able to get a company to pick it up for a few days, but I'm sure if I pay for it, Maribeth and Daniel'll let the guys into get the boxes and stuff. It's all brand new... no point in leaving it behind, right?" I reminded him, quite sure Logan didn't see any point to bringing it when he could just buy knew stuff. "If you want to get different stuff for at home, we can save this for Berkeley or something..." I shrugged. "You know you want the TV."

"You really want out of here pretty badly, don't you?" I asked gently. "Do you want to go back to the apartment?" I wasn't sure he'd want to after what happened, but somehow it seemed like a better option than a hotel. We'd have days of hotels on the way home. "As for me sleeping, I'm going to attempt, I just can't promise it's going to work." I admitted. I was so tired, but I was also still very much on edge despite my best efforts to calm down.

[logan_echolls]

I didn't actually believe that she was as okay as she stated. I could see it in her that she was still terrified like something was going to happen and she'd end up losing me. Really not on my to do list for the day or any other day. "Well, I'm really glad you're okay," I said anyway, in hopes that it could help at all.

I shut my eyes briefly at her touch, my hand over hers as her thumb brushed over the soft cotton hospital gown over my chest. I met her halfway for the kiss she leaned in to get. "You know, I really wasn't planning on letting your dad hear let alone see any of those questionable acts. So, I'm sure it works out," I teased. I had to wonder if after all this Keith Mars was going to ground his daughter for life or something.

"You know, I'm not sure I can even think as far ahead as Berkeley let alone going back to Neptune," I commented. Stuff was just stuff. Sure, Veronica wanted to save it, but it was all replaceable. "I kinda have to have a place for the stuff to go first. I mean, there's just no place for it anyway." I had a point. It's not as if it would fit in her apartment and I had no idea what happened with my stuff back in Neptune. I'm not sure if I even wanted any of it. In general, I didn't want to think about what was going to happen. "We don't even have Berkeley. We kinda left that all behind."

Among other things.

I didn't want to go back to the apartment. I wasn't even sure where I wanted to go or where I was going to fit in now. "I should probably try to sleep too, like, now or something."

[renewedsoul_v]

"That makes two of us then." I smiled softly. I don't know why I was still so anxious. Liam Fitzpatrick was out of commission at the moment. Not a threat. Thumper's in jail on the other side of the country. Also not a threat.

"Yeah, I think so." I couldn't help but laugh at his teasing, as I kissed him again. My dad would be pretty happy to know Logan had no intention of giving him nightmares by in any way implying I wasn't the little girl he still wanted me to be for him. "I'm pretty sure he knows any attempts to keep me away from you are going to result in me moving out at this point, but he might be slightly sketchy on the letting me out of his sight for a while."

"We'll put the stuff in storage... my dad's already got all my mom's stuff in storage. You can stay with us until you're up on your feet again, and then if we need to we'll find you an apartment or something." I stated. Apparently I had it all figured out and was offering him a place to crash without asking my dad? Just when was it I thought my dad got a personality transplant? "He'll be okay with it because he'll want me at home, and you really shouldn't be by yourself for a while."

"As far as Berkeley goes... I'm going to graduate. I'm going to Berkeley. That hasn't changed. It just got postponed for a little while, remember? I've said right from the start Berkeley's going to be there when we get back? It'll just be later than originally planned." I reminded him gently. I might have spent a good chunk of the money already, but I could still afford a couple years with what we'd have left by the time we got home, and I'll figure out the rest later.

"Right, sleep is good." I nodded slightly, "I guess I should go see what I can do about a blanket and curl up in the chair." I said. I wanted to stay it with Logan, but I wasn't sure if trying to squeeze us both on that bed when he as so hurt was a good plan.

[logan_echolls]

Apparently Veronica was planning it all and I didn't need to worry about anything - except for the fact that she was worrying about everything and still driving herself crazy in the process. Not to mention the fact that I was sure she was walking on eggshells around me for all that had happened. In every way that she was acting, she thought I was breakable. And for all the laughter I had to wonder how much of it was real or her just trying not to cry.

"Yeah, you've discussed that with your dad, right? Because I'm pretty sure that he wants most of your time now. Besides, I really should get my own space." There was space for us, of course there was, but it wasn't going to be like it was before. For the intensity of the last few months, I almost needed the space to step back into and recollect myself. "I mean, I have to take care of myself, Veronica. It's sort of my job to do that."

Sometimes I didn't know what I'd do without her - and that scared me.

"This..." I motioned to the place where I had a bandaged wound, "This is going to heal." There were things that I just needed to do for myself in the end and I'm pretty sure this event didn't convince Veronica of that.

"You should go get actual rest, you know. Go catch up with your dad. I mean, you missed him for months and now he's here. And he wants to see you too." Truth was that I was just overwhelmed by now. Intensity was an understatement.

[renewedsoul_v]

"I'm - not yet, but I'm sure he'll be okay with it. Just for a little while until you're healed enough to be on your own." I said, tripping over my words. I hadn't really expected him to have a problem with the idea. It wasn't like I was asking him to move in. Just stay with us for a few days so he could rest and get better, then move into his own place.

It was like he went from being perfectly content to wake up with me every morning - which we would have kept right on doing for who knows how long if he hadn't been shot - to looking for an excuse to get away from me, and I have no idea what happened.

"I know it is. On both counts. I wasn't saying it wasn't, just... can you even sit up without it hurting right now Logan? You shouldn't have to do this by yourself. You should be able to take the time to let it heal properly." I tried to point out gently. "You know our couch is comfy." Sure, he could order food in, but he'd still have to be able to get to the door, which didn't seem like a smart plan at the moment. He had to know that.

I wasn't crazy enough to expect my dad would let us both sleep in my room. It wasn't going to happen, but at the same time, on a purely selfish end, maybe having him stay with us, but not in the same room will kind of ease the transition of this... fantasy of a life we'd been living - of being the perfect newlywed couple - back to real life.

I shook my head slightly "I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be clingy." I whispered. I wasn't sure I was even going to be able to fall asleep without listening to his steady heartbeat at this point, but he clearly wanted some space. Why else would he be practically demanding I go spend time with my dad? And I didn't want to be that clingy girl who couldn't stand to be away from her boyfriend. Traumatic, life threatening experience or not. I closed my eyes and took a breath before I leaned in and kissed him quickly again. "I'll be back in the morning..." I promised "I love you." I added, squeezing his hand one last time before I let go of it and hesitantly turned towards the door.

[logan_echolls]

"I just-." I started as she turned towards the door. "You can't act like I'm completely helpless, Veronica. I can do things I'll probably know how well once the medication wears off and it's not like I'm going to go out and operate heavy machinery."

I saw that look of disappointment on her fact and it was yet another person I couldn't stand to be disappointed in some way with me or with what I was choosing to do. "Just, check with your dad first, okay?" I asked her.

I know she's still anxious about all of this and maybe it would just lessen if she knew I was safe around them. As much as I didn't want to wake up every morning without Veronica, this whole thing with the two of us not living together was going to come up sooner or later. It's just sooner rather than later that the dream kinda had to end.

I didn't really like the idea that I was going to have things done for me. Despite having help for that all these years, I did make my own pop tarts. And I'd rather be frustrated with my own inabilities to do it than it be done for me. "I'm not doing in by myself."

"Well talk more tomorrow, after sleep." After her dad stops panicking about all of this. After I have this freaking IV out of my arm, after I start actually doing things and getting out of this hospital. After all that then it would be easier to talk. Probably even easier for her not to freak out about my health and how I'm doing and whether or not my heart was going to stop beating again. But I bounced back from it all. I always do. I know if she was here I'd be freaking out just as much inside, I'm just not sure if I can handle it myself.

[renewedsoul_v]

"I wasn't trying to." I stated, turning back to face him, "but you can't act like you're whole and you're fine either. You'll just end up doing permanent damage. You died." There were tears shining in my eyes despite my not wanting to cry in front of him again. I'd done more than enough of that earlier.

I shook my head and roughly wiped the tears away before they had a chance to fall. That was the last thing I should've said, but despite modern medicine's rescue, it was true. And I felt so sick and dizzy just thinking about it.

"I'll talk to him, but I'm pretty sure he'll go along with it. Despite his... worries... about us being together, he has known you a really long time and he didn't like seeing you so hurt any more than I did." I insisted

"Sweet dreams, Logan." I said, a weak smile wavering on my lips for a moment as my hand gripped the doorknob, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Just where I was going when I left here, I had no clue. Right now I'd rather sleep in the Cobalt than go back to the apartment. I'd have to go back sooner or later, though.

[logan_echolls]

"Yeah, I died. My heart stopped, or that's what I'm told, but I'm not dead. It's not going to change anything for me to angst over it like it did happen. And even if it did... that's life. Life doesn't really mean anything without death." I knew she was going to freak out with me the second the words came tumbling out of my mouth, but nothing I said was a lie. If I had died I would had died and the sum of my life would have probably sucked beyond belief.

"I am fine. I'm fine because I'm freaking alive!" I told her exasperated.

And that's the way it had always been. I was fine because I was alive. I just kept going no matter what. I would bounce back and go through things and do all that I felt I had to. Because being alive put me a step above Lilly and my mother and the rest of everyone who'd gone down that path. Anyone who mattered and just died, I mattered and survived.

"It sucks that people just go an die and you can't do anything about it. I know what that's like just as much as you do," I said quietly. "But I'm not like the rest of them."

Because I'm still here. Because I'm still alive.