What I've been thinking....
about events that happened at my home....
FYI: This is a VERY LONG POST!
Since the drama at my and angel's home has exploded out of proportion I have spent some time in shock, disbelief, feeling betrayed, and much time just thinking about everything in general. I'm not sure how to go about saying what I've been thinking about lately, but I am going to try my best to get my thoughts out coherently.
This month has caused me to think about my friends and my relationships with them. I know that I am not always the best friend I could be to my friends and that I can more often than not be a bitch. One thing that I feel I am consistent with is being honest with people and about myself. (Feel free to correct me if you feel otherwise.) I know that my standards are my own and that I should not hold others to my standards, but I do feel that everyone should treat people with a basic amount of respect and honor.
My years of childhood had taught me not to trust anyone or get close to them, from my point of view there was never any point in getting close to anyone. If you got close to anyone they would hurt you, or in my case you would up and move and that would hurt just as much. After I moved to this state I slowly learned what it was to have true friends, and with the help of these friends I slowly began to start trusting people. Now I sit and wonder if the other way was a better idea. (It might be safer, but much lonelier.)
I had become friends with a certain someone back in '04, not long after I had left my 2nd fiance. This individual had been there for me through some of my difficult times in life and had always been a trusted friend. While situations occurred and we ended up not seeing each other too often because of his significant other we did remain friends. Time went on as it always does, and his relationship came to an end, choppy as it was it did eventually end. He started being around more often and was showing to be the same good friend I remembered he had been.
Our living situation came to a point that we needed a new roommate, and well who better than someone we had known for several years, trusted, had his own company, and seemed to be trying with his life. Now we did know he had his levels of drama, but we thought we were more than able to deal with the drama. I'm not going to be able to make this short by any means, but from this point on if you know what happened you know, and I don't need to explain anything. What I will say is that this individual had done something horrendous enough to be told to leave our apartment.
After I had been informed of the situation and what had taken place in our home, I spent some time in shock. The situation brought forth events in my past that have haunted me over the years. I usually don't think about them, and most people close to me know that they have happened to me, including our ex roommate. I wanted to know how I had been so stupid not to see the signs, how I could have let him into my home, trusted him with my life in a sense. Parts of me wanted to curl up and forget that the world outside was continuing to go round, other parts of me wanted to inflict the most gruesome and horrendous tortures upon said individual. Neither of which is something I am capable of doing and I couldn't lower myself to take the time to physically cause pain to someone the likes of him.
What was done is something I am not capable of ever forgiving someone for. This was not an act that can be forgiven in my eyes. The fact that he has been asking people for forgiveness disturbs me. From what I know most of my friends have no time to bother with anyone who could do such a thing. I am hurt that someone I trusted enough to bring into my home did not see things the same way. I can not forgive the men who did this to me and I will never forgive a man who does such a thing to any other woman, no matter who they might be. NO ONE DESERVES THAT!
The semi-public support that has been given to everyone involved has been a relief to me. It has shown that my friends are the good people I thought they were, no matter how sketchy some of them may be. I am happy to know that those of my friends who consider their homes and places of business as safe places have taken the situation to heart and have done what they consider the right thing to keep those places safe for everyone.
I would like to say thank you to everyone who has helped those involved and has been there to support them.
As to the individuals request for advice and/or solutions and his asking of forgiveness I do have a few things to say.
Before you had gotten out of our home, you asked my what my thoughts on this were and said you wanted to know. I had told you at that time you did not want to know what I was thinking. And well you probably still don't want to know. But here you go anyhow.
I want to know how you could turn around and do such a thing to someone. What gave you the right? What gave you the right to then try and turn things around to make yourself the victim? You committed one of the most offensive acts in my eyes, and I have no need of someone the likes of you in my life. You know what has happened to me in my past and then you have the nerve to ask what i think of the situation! I wanted you to die on the spot when I heard what had happened.
Personally I think you got off to easy. I would not have given you anytime to find another place to live. If it had been up to me you would have been out the night I found out. I might have given you a day or two to get your stuff out. I truly wanted to kick the shit out of you. I want you to feel the pain that she is feeling, the pain I have felt, and the pain of everyone who has had this happen to them. I don't think you are worth the air you breath.
The actions you have shown have not been of a person who cares about others in their life. They have been the actions of someone who cares only about themselves and their own desires. I am ashamed that I called you a friend for so long and that I brought you into my home. I am livid that you did not understand that you did something wrong, and you tried to talk your way out of this. I can not comprehend how you would even think to try and turn this around so that you were the victim in this.
It has been your own actions that has caused the responses you have gotten from everyone that thought of you as a friend. It was what you did and didn't do that caused so many to turn their backs on you. It was not unfortunate events of your past that caused this to happen, or bad relationships, or any other excuse you have tried to use. It has been your actions alone. And alone you will have to deal with what comes your way from now on.
As for suggestions for solutions. I'll give you one.
Move very far away from here. That way you wont have to live life looking over your shoulder worrying whether or not someone might come up behind you and give you what you deserve. You wont have to listen to the whispers of what people are saying about you (although I'm sure most of us have better things to do than waist our breath talking about you).
Another thing you could do is get some serious psychiatric help. I know you stated that you have seen professionals and they said you are not crazy, but I don't buy it. You lie to everyone in your life, you were probably lying to them as well. If you lie to the shrink it wont do you any good. And if you couldn't understand that what you did was wrong you NEED MENTAL HELP. Get checked in some place and start your vow to be honest with the shrinks so that they might actually be able to help you. You might even consider going back on your meds, maybe they really were doing good for you.
As for ever rebuilding your friendship with me, forget it. I will never have any sort of friendship with anyone who could do such a thing. If you want a life with out this haunting you everywhere you go again I suggest MOVE AWAY.
If you care anything about all those people whom you dared to call friends stop posting about all the tragic things that have happened in your life and why they are to blame for your actions. Stop falling back on how bad V was for you and that that is why you are the way you are. Start taking responsibility for your own actions. Grow some balls and REALLY, TRULY take responsibility for your actions, or if/when you do get new friends this will happen all over again. Actually, if you truly care just stop posting all together. Move on with your life and feel the pain of losing all your friends because of your actions, I'm sure it is nothing compared to the pain she is feeling.
And to your post about how horrorable it is to loose a child. The lose of a child is not a reason nor an excuse for your actions as of late. Yes it is a scaring moment in anyones life. But that is a situation that you should grow from and learn, it should never be used to try and excuse your behavior towards other people. I have lost a child, and not of my own choice, and while it caused me to drink for a while, I never treated anyone any differently than before. A situation like that should help you grow and learn. I am sick that you were using it as an excuse.
I am sick that I called you a friend. You will never find forgiveness from me, and I hope you never find forgiveness from anyone else. Move on with your pathetic life and let us be.
FYI: This is a VERY LONG POST!
Since the drama at my and angel's home has exploded out of proportion I have spent some time in shock, disbelief, feeling betrayed, and much time just thinking about everything in general. I'm not sure how to go about saying what I've been thinking about lately, but I am going to try my best to get my thoughts out coherently.
This month has caused me to think about my friends and my relationships with them. I know that I am not always the best friend I could be to my friends and that I can more often than not be a bitch. One thing that I feel I am consistent with is being honest with people and about myself. (Feel free to correct me if you feel otherwise.) I know that my standards are my own and that I should not hold others to my standards, but I do feel that everyone should treat people with a basic amount of respect and honor.
My years of childhood had taught me not to trust anyone or get close to them, from my point of view there was never any point in getting close to anyone. If you got close to anyone they would hurt you, or in my case you would up and move and that would hurt just as much. After I moved to this state I slowly learned what it was to have true friends, and with the help of these friends I slowly began to start trusting people. Now I sit and wonder if the other way was a better idea. (It might be safer, but much lonelier.)
I had become friends with a certain someone back in '04, not long after I had left my 2nd fiance. This individual had been there for me through some of my difficult times in life and had always been a trusted friend. While situations occurred and we ended up not seeing each other too often because of his significant other we did remain friends. Time went on as it always does, and his relationship came to an end, choppy as it was it did eventually end. He started being around more often and was showing to be the same good friend I remembered he had been.
Our living situation came to a point that we needed a new roommate, and well who better than someone we had known for several years, trusted, had his own company, and seemed to be trying with his life. Now we did know he had his levels of drama, but we thought we were more than able to deal with the drama. I'm not going to be able to make this short by any means, but from this point on if you know what happened you know, and I don't need to explain anything. What I will say is that this individual had done something horrendous enough to be told to leave our apartment.
After I had been informed of the situation and what had taken place in our home, I spent some time in shock. The situation brought forth events in my past that have haunted me over the years. I usually don't think about them, and most people close to me know that they have happened to me, including our ex roommate. I wanted to know how I had been so stupid not to see the signs, how I could have let him into my home, trusted him with my life in a sense. Parts of me wanted to curl up and forget that the world outside was continuing to go round, other parts of me wanted to inflict the most gruesome and horrendous tortures upon said individual. Neither of which is something I am capable of doing and I couldn't lower myself to take the time to physically cause pain to someone the likes of him.
What was done is something I am not capable of ever forgiving someone for. This was not an act that can be forgiven in my eyes. The fact that he has been asking people for forgiveness disturbs me. From what I know most of my friends have no time to bother with anyone who could do such a thing. I am hurt that someone I trusted enough to bring into my home did not see things the same way. I can not forgive the men who did this to me and I will never forgive a man who does such a thing to any other woman, no matter who they might be. NO ONE DESERVES THAT!
The semi-public support that has been given to everyone involved has been a relief to me. It has shown that my friends are the good people I thought they were, no matter how sketchy some of them may be. I am happy to know that those of my friends who consider their homes and places of business as safe places have taken the situation to heart and have done what they consider the right thing to keep those places safe for everyone.
I would like to say thank you to everyone who has helped those involved and has been there to support them.
As to the individuals request for advice and/or solutions and his asking of forgiveness I do have a few things to say.
Before you had gotten out of our home, you asked my what my thoughts on this were and said you wanted to know. I had told you at that time you did not want to know what I was thinking. And well you probably still don't want to know. But here you go anyhow.
I want to know how you could turn around and do such a thing to someone. What gave you the right? What gave you the right to then try and turn things around to make yourself the victim? You committed one of the most offensive acts in my eyes, and I have no need of someone the likes of you in my life. You know what has happened to me in my past and then you have the nerve to ask what i think of the situation! I wanted you to die on the spot when I heard what had happened.
Personally I think you got off to easy. I would not have given you anytime to find another place to live. If it had been up to me you would have been out the night I found out. I might have given you a day or two to get your stuff out. I truly wanted to kick the shit out of you. I want you to feel the pain that she is feeling, the pain I have felt, and the pain of everyone who has had this happen to them. I don't think you are worth the air you breath.
The actions you have shown have not been of a person who cares about others in their life. They have been the actions of someone who cares only about themselves and their own desires. I am ashamed that I called you a friend for so long and that I brought you into my home. I am livid that you did not understand that you did something wrong, and you tried to talk your way out of this. I can not comprehend how you would even think to try and turn this around so that you were the victim in this.
It has been your own actions that has caused the responses you have gotten from everyone that thought of you as a friend. It was what you did and didn't do that caused so many to turn their backs on you. It was not unfortunate events of your past that caused this to happen, or bad relationships, or any other excuse you have tried to use. It has been your actions alone. And alone you will have to deal with what comes your way from now on.
As for suggestions for solutions. I'll give you one.
Move very far away from here. That way you wont have to live life looking over your shoulder worrying whether or not someone might come up behind you and give you what you deserve. You wont have to listen to the whispers of what people are saying about you (although I'm sure most of us have better things to do than waist our breath talking about you).
Another thing you could do is get some serious psychiatric help. I know you stated that you have seen professionals and they said you are not crazy, but I don't buy it. You lie to everyone in your life, you were probably lying to them as well. If you lie to the shrink it wont do you any good. And if you couldn't understand that what you did was wrong you NEED MENTAL HELP. Get checked in some place and start your vow to be honest with the shrinks so that they might actually be able to help you. You might even consider going back on your meds, maybe they really were doing good for you.
As for ever rebuilding your friendship with me, forget it. I will never have any sort of friendship with anyone who could do such a thing. If you want a life with out this haunting you everywhere you go again I suggest MOVE AWAY.
If you care anything about all those people whom you dared to call friends stop posting about all the tragic things that have happened in your life and why they are to blame for your actions. Stop falling back on how bad V was for you and that that is why you are the way you are. Start taking responsibility for your own actions. Grow some balls and REALLY, TRULY take responsibility for your actions, or if/when you do get new friends this will happen all over again. Actually, if you truly care just stop posting all together. Move on with your life and feel the pain of losing all your friends because of your actions, I'm sure it is nothing compared to the pain she is feeling.
And to your post about how horrorable it is to loose a child. The lose of a child is not a reason nor an excuse for your actions as of late. Yes it is a scaring moment in anyones life. But that is a situation that you should grow from and learn, it should never be used to try and excuse your behavior towards other people. I have lost a child, and not of my own choice, and while it caused me to drink for a while, I never treated anyone any differently than before. A situation like that should help you grow and learn. I am sick that you were using it as an excuse.
I am sick that I called you a friend. You will never find forgiveness from me, and I hope you never find forgiveness from anyone else. Move on with your pathetic life and let us be.