Dear Male Crush of Mine,

Handlebars??? Seriously, HANDLEBARS??

But thank you, muchly, because that hideous facial hair is making it easier to find you less attractive.

Sincerely,

Moi

Dear Female Crush of Mine,

Please start having deep thoughts again; they seem to be conducive to sitting closer to you than normal.

Yours truly,

Me

Dear Essay Beta,

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