utterly dumbfounded
People seem to find new ways to disappoint me every day. Why is it that I more often than not am pinned as the "bad guy/liar/whore/cunt/whatever" for trying my damnedest to remain neutral in situations. I feel like I'm neck deep in two-faced liars. Everyone and everything has another side to it tonight. Another side that I'm not going to be pleased to explore. I'm so paranoid my insides are shaking. I hate to say it but I like this. It feels like something. It feels like being alive. I'm terrified of knowledge I've always had. I know full and well that when you peel away the charming exterior you can most always find nothing but a grotesque caricature of what used to make you feel secure. I need to go do something to keep my mind busy. I keep slipping into unhealthy daydreams. I've done so well with not harming myself here recently. I know it was only because I didn't even have the ambition to pick up the razor but it still gives me a sense of accomplishment. No matter how false it may be. I think I'm going to resort to giving myself a new piercing tonight. That should hold it off for the next couple of days until I even out on my new medication. I've been whining to get something new anyway. I don't trust anyone else (professional or not) to do it anyway, so what better time than now...right? Right. I think I'll start with my ear. I'm never satisfied with those.