Jan 05, 2008 00:48
I've been thinking a long time about coming back in here and writing. But I always stopped, cuz I was like, no one's going to see this! But I had forgotten, that I wrote in this a lot to vent and feel better, and I like to crack jokes, but I don't HAVE to have someone read it and tell me how funny I am.
I have decided I am too needy for people to tell me I'm ok, or I said something funny, or just affirmation that I matter. I am sure I matter to someone, besides the easy one, my child. As you get older you start to think "is there anything I can do that will make someone remember me when I die?" The answer will more then likely be NO. It's a hard concept to handle. I would LOVE to be able to believe in the whole god heaven concept, but honestly I don't buy it. I think it's complete and utter bullshit. Hey, if you do, I'm glad, because you have a right to your opinion. Me? Nah, no thanks, not for me. When you die, that's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Life has been interesting the past few years. Getting pregnant, having close friends and family members pass away. Living with Sean, taking car of Caitlin. Losing a lot of friends. Seriously, I have lost sooo many friends. Some would say it's because I'm a "tempremental cunt". I would say it's probably true. I guess I don't like to deal with bullshit. I guess I don't like to have to placate everyone. I'm always that friend someone runs to when they have a problem. It's fun most of the time, but sometimes I get over it.
I have a few good friends that even though I don't talk to very much, I know I love them, and they love me. I guess that's a part of life. You know what pissed me off? Getting holiday letters from people that I haven't talked to in forever. I don't care! Haha... if I was that important to you, I would have known already, or gotten a phone call! I have a kid and I didn't even send one out!
Man, am I a bitch. I guess it's all this pent up inside me. lol.....
Spent a lot of today on ohnotheydidnt. I don't know how to put it as a lj user name. I'll figure it out again, I'm sure. Brituation 08 was in full force, and it was awesome. I mean, it wasn't, but come on. I'm sick enough to have gotten some enjoyment out of it. Pathetic I know. But what else was I supposed to do while Caitlin napped? lol
I'm sure I'll update more. I'm sure noone will care!
xoxo