there's only so much one can do... now the rest is up to you...
Ok so I haven't updated in a long time and a lot has been happening but I don't have the mental energy to express it to people who probably don't care anyway.
School is almost over... almost out. I can't wait to graduate, but at the same time I guess I have to admit I'm a little scared. Scared about who I'll be when I get to decide who I am. As if that makes any sense. I dunno though. And I'm scared about this summer. If it will live up the expectations I have for it... and if I'll be able to just let go and have fun because that's what I desperately want to do. It's kinda been dawning on me recently that this really is it. I mean I'm almost completely done with high school. I've said I'm ready to graduate for a long time and that I can feel it, but a sense of closure is really starting to come. All of the pointless classes now filled with mere reviews and all of the end of the year events that scatter my next month. Will I remember the times I've had and the people who are acquaintances but could be more if there was just more time? I hope so. I'm scared I've wasted some of high school. No, not scared.. kind of certain. I've wasted it being TOO studious, TOO uptight, TOO anxious and worrisome. I don't regret all that I've done per say, but more what else I could have done had I been able to let things go or had I been able to be more free and less analytical all the time. I guess I did it (and still do it) to protect myself from getting hurt... but in retrospect, I think I may have hurt myself more by creating room for so many regrets. And don't see this as me saying I'm going to go crazy all of a sudden and skip school and do drugs and get pregnant or something retarded but well... this last year I've really started to change into being more outgoing and more open and dependent on only myself and I just hope I can continue to do so and become even more independent. Being independent is so intoxicating in itself.
The closer and closer I get to leaving for college the closer and closer I get to my mom. I never thought I'd tell my mom about my friends and boys and everything going on in my life but I've come to rely on her as a listening ear this year. I'd always thought it'd be weird to tell her how I feel and my thoughts on real topics not just parent-child small talk but well... it's not anymore. She was a wild child in high school (which is pretty different from me) and it's actually really funny to talk to her about all of the stuff she did as a teenager. Her openness about her rebellion stage allows me to be open about personal things too. That was a pointless tangent but what it comes down to is this: I think I'm going to miss her a lot next year. Unlike with other friends, I know she cant abandon me or choose someone else over me. I know that she'd do anything for me and already does do a lot. I know that she deeply cares... and I'm going to miss her. A LOT. I never thought it'd be true, but I really think I will.
Eliot sang this song on Idol this week. good lyrics... yup. sure are.
Just Once
James Ingram
I did my best
But I guess my best wasn't good enough
'Cause here we are back where we were before
Seems nothing ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we oughta stay
Or head on out the door
Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
Why we never last for very long
What are we doing wrong
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it
I gave my all
But I think my all may have been too much
'Cause Lord knows we're not getting anywhere
Seems we're always blowing whatever we got going
And seems at times with all we've got
We haven't got a prayer
Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
Why the good times never last for very long
Seems we're always blowing
Whatever we got going
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it
Just once I want to understand
Why it always comes back to good-bye
Why can't we get ourselves in hand
And admit to one another
That we're no good with out the other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we can break through it
If we could just get to it
Just once
If we could get to it
Just Once...
School is almost over... almost out. I can't wait to graduate, but at the same time I guess I have to admit I'm a little scared. Scared about who I'll be when I get to decide who I am. As if that makes any sense. I dunno though. And I'm scared about this summer. If it will live up the expectations I have for it... and if I'll be able to just let go and have fun because that's what I desperately want to do. It's kinda been dawning on me recently that this really is it. I mean I'm almost completely done with high school. I've said I'm ready to graduate for a long time and that I can feel it, but a sense of closure is really starting to come. All of the pointless classes now filled with mere reviews and all of the end of the year events that scatter my next month. Will I remember the times I've had and the people who are acquaintances but could be more if there was just more time? I hope so. I'm scared I've wasted some of high school. No, not scared.. kind of certain. I've wasted it being TOO studious, TOO uptight, TOO anxious and worrisome. I don't regret all that I've done per say, but more what else I could have done had I been able to let things go or had I been able to be more free and less analytical all the time. I guess I did it (and still do it) to protect myself from getting hurt... but in retrospect, I think I may have hurt myself more by creating room for so many regrets. And don't see this as me saying I'm going to go crazy all of a sudden and skip school and do drugs and get pregnant or something retarded but well... this last year I've really started to change into being more outgoing and more open and dependent on only myself and I just hope I can continue to do so and become even more independent. Being independent is so intoxicating in itself.
The closer and closer I get to leaving for college the closer and closer I get to my mom. I never thought I'd tell my mom about my friends and boys and everything going on in my life but I've come to rely on her as a listening ear this year. I'd always thought it'd be weird to tell her how I feel and my thoughts on real topics not just parent-child small talk but well... it's not anymore. She was a wild child in high school (which is pretty different from me) and it's actually really funny to talk to her about all of the stuff she did as a teenager. Her openness about her rebellion stage allows me to be open about personal things too. That was a pointless tangent but what it comes down to is this: I think I'm going to miss her a lot next year. Unlike with other friends, I know she cant abandon me or choose someone else over me. I know that she'd do anything for me and already does do a lot. I know that she deeply cares... and I'm going to miss her. A LOT. I never thought it'd be true, but I really think I will.
Eliot sang this song on Idol this week. good lyrics... yup. sure are.
Just Once
James Ingram
I did my best
But I guess my best wasn't good enough
'Cause here we are back where we were before
Seems nothing ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we oughta stay
Or head on out the door
Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
Why we never last for very long
What are we doing wrong
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it
I gave my all
But I think my all may have been too much
'Cause Lord knows we're not getting anywhere
Seems we're always blowing whatever we got going
And seems at times with all we've got
We haven't got a prayer
Just once can't we figure out what we keep doing wrong
Why the good times never last for very long
Seems we're always blowing
Whatever we got going
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it
Just once I want to understand
Why it always comes back to good-bye
Why can't we get ourselves in hand
And admit to one another
That we're no good with out the other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together
Just once can't we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we can break through it
If we could just get to it
Just once
If we could get to it
Just Once...