everywhere I look the people stare in the direction that they're headed for...
I haven updated in awhile and well.. I feel empty. I held in so much anger and resentment for so long that now that it's gone, I feel without purpose without life or even emotion. sure I had fun trespassing to look at the clouds where the meteor shower should have been, and I felt a little joy at hearing my semester average in clarke's class of death, and I even felt strangely invigorated after running and looking at Christmas lights. but... the remote emptiness has led me back to examining myself. and to be honest, it's depressing to see what I see. I feel bad for how demanding I can be of some people. I think the closer I am to someone the more I demand of them. I'm sensitive, I take everything in, I observe so much more than anyone might think. I analyze words, actions, expressions. everything matters to me and I think that's why I get so "intimidating" at times. I hold those that are close to me to a higher standard and well... I'm sorry that I'm the way I am.
I didnt go to school yesterday. or today. I have to go for 2 1/2 hours tomorrow and then I'm done with 7/8 of high school. it's nice in theory but I'm kind of scared. I see people I wish I was better friends with, and I see people that I want to stay in touch with but I dont know how to tell them or make it happen. I see younger kids at church that I wish I knew better or interacted more with. I wish someone would want me to be their confirmation sponsor. most importantly, I wish I knew I'd be happy or even just secure in my future. I don't know what I want to be or do or even where I want to go. I'm drowning in a sea of question marks and it doesnt seem like anything is attempting to help me out.
I made it to the interview round of the Jefferson Scholarship and I'm excited about my interview but I'm also nervous because I really want to make it to the second round. I would get to go visit the campus which would mean my dad would let me tour Georgetown too. eh. I at least know of two places I can go if I choose. I got my acceptance letters for A&M and UT a few weeks ago and I got into the business schools at both places which I knew would happen but still, it's comforting to have it on paper.
well, Jess is on her way home and I still have to finish cleaning and wrapping some presents before she gets here. I'll write more later...
I didnt go to school yesterday. or today. I have to go for 2 1/2 hours tomorrow and then I'm done with 7/8 of high school. it's nice in theory but I'm kind of scared. I see people I wish I was better friends with, and I see people that I want to stay in touch with but I dont know how to tell them or make it happen. I see younger kids at church that I wish I knew better or interacted more with. I wish someone would want me to be their confirmation sponsor. most importantly, I wish I knew I'd be happy or even just secure in my future. I don't know what I want to be or do or even where I want to go. I'm drowning in a sea of question marks and it doesnt seem like anything is attempting to help me out.
I made it to the interview round of the Jefferson Scholarship and I'm excited about my interview but I'm also nervous because I really want to make it to the second round. I would get to go visit the campus which would mean my dad would let me tour Georgetown too. eh. I at least know of two places I can go if I choose. I got my acceptance letters for A&M and UT a few weeks ago and I got into the business schools at both places which I knew would happen but still, it's comforting to have it on paper.
well, Jess is on her way home and I still have to finish cleaning and wrapping some presents before she gets here. I'll write more later...