glass
SO right now I am procrastinating in my mothers office. I'm supposed to be writing my seminar paper for next week, but I can't focus. I feel a bit out of it, a bit lonely, and bit sad, and a bit sick. Add those bits all together and you my have some idea of me. I came home last night, or this morning, at about 4:30 am after playing with my friends and having dinner with Asia. I couldn't sleep however because I had coffee at the diner at around 1:30, and besides, I can never sleep on breaks from school. I get my insomnia back hard core when I'm at home, and I don't know why. I guess I don't do enought to make me tired, but really I'm always exhausted but can't get my eyes to close or my mind to slow down. Maybe thats becasue it takes so much mental force to smile here, so much concentration directed at not falling into all the feelings that have emmersed this house, that have taken ahold of all of the history here. The stress of it makes me break down almost everyday, and I don't really understand why. If I tried to explain it to anyone, I don't think the words would form. There is just so much tension and restriction here. It makes me miss evergreen, Christt, and all those smiles of the past two years.
Last night was great however. I ate with just Asia, which was surprising becasue Dustin was here, but it seemed like Asia needed to have that small break from him. It was great. We sat at our favorite table in our favorite restaurant and ate our favorite meal. We smiled and talked and planned just as we do. we complained and discribed and elaborated for eachother. THat girl will always be my best friend. It's almost sad how much we still know eachother, can still finish eachothers thoughts, can still relate. It's nice to know that she's always there for me in that compasity. We've cried together so much that I don't think that will ever change. I do feel sad though whenever I see her becasue she is my best friend. It's been really hard that past college years, only having her through phone messages and emails. Emails that have been my journal for months. SOmedays, I just need to talk to someone I know will completely understand, but then I realize that the prime canidate is thousands of miles away. But, I'm excited for a plan that shes hatching. If it all works out, we'll be roommates for a few months. smile.
Speaking of smiles. CHristt. What can I say? at times I don't believe how much he's got me. mmmmm. I'm unsure I can describe this, so I don't believe I will try.
Oh, the rest of last night. Well, Jake, Cade,Jakes cousin, Dustin, Asia, and I all went bowling after we got back from dinner. It was quite hilarious. Jake was all excited to go and was bragging about how well he'd do, and then he totally flopped. Ha. It was great.
Ahh, then the diner, which was a very fimilar one o'clock in the morning expedition, especially with Cade and Jake. And Kaye showed up too. Um, and then a game at Jakes house for hours. Pretty hilarious. I only won one round and it was "who of the group is most likely to be a lusty flamanco dancer." and I tied with Asia for "who is most likely to reuse a tissue."
I'm making the turkey right now. I stuck garlic cloves into it and then put onions where its organs were. EWWWWW! I'm glad I'm not eating it.
My moms boyfriend slept over last night. Awkward. But, mom is happy and smiles so much more, so I can't complain.
I miss talking to Christt. Asia said something yesterday when I was telling her about Christt and how much I miss him. It was pretty funny, so I had to write it down. It went, " The scent of your man regulates you." Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious.
My dreams last night were vivid and beautiful. I only remember the last one, but it was Christt and I and this old beautiful woman who had cancer. She was so strong, but she was also weak becasue of her sickness. Her hair had fallen out and I wanted to help her. We were on red square and there was this whole trial that involved christt saving my life. THen red square turned into the ocean, but this metal structure holding up a large hollywood type sign that said CHOOSE LIFE was above us, and the old woman was holding on to it. SHe said that I was chosen and that Christt would help me gain my power from the people of the ocean. Christt smiled at me and put me on a donut floaty thing. then I began to spin until these bubbles of phosphorsense began to stick to the outside of my body. It tickled and I remember the feeling of the energy was so happy and full of health. I was swimming at this point and collecting the little bubbles. I wanted to help the woman though, so I grabed some bubbles and showered her with them. She smiled and told me that her time had come, but that I would take her place. She also said something about apprieciating the love that I recieve. SHe stepped out of the ocean and disappeared. I then turned to Christt and bathed his head in the bubbles. He smiled and we started to breath together and we sank below the ocean. The last thing I remember were christts eyes opening under the water and holding his smile in thier expression. It was beautiful. I haven't remembered a dream that vividly in a while.
Anyho, I guess I should write my essay.
I wonder how Christt is.
Last night was great however. I ate with just Asia, which was surprising becasue Dustin was here, but it seemed like Asia needed to have that small break from him. It was great. We sat at our favorite table in our favorite restaurant and ate our favorite meal. We smiled and talked and planned just as we do. we complained and discribed and elaborated for eachother. THat girl will always be my best friend. It's almost sad how much we still know eachother, can still finish eachothers thoughts, can still relate. It's nice to know that she's always there for me in that compasity. We've cried together so much that I don't think that will ever change. I do feel sad though whenever I see her becasue she is my best friend. It's been really hard that past college years, only having her through phone messages and emails. Emails that have been my journal for months. SOmedays, I just need to talk to someone I know will completely understand, but then I realize that the prime canidate is thousands of miles away. But, I'm excited for a plan that shes hatching. If it all works out, we'll be roommates for a few months. smile.
Speaking of smiles. CHristt. What can I say? at times I don't believe how much he's got me. mmmmm. I'm unsure I can describe this, so I don't believe I will try.
Oh, the rest of last night. Well, Jake, Cade,Jakes cousin, Dustin, Asia, and I all went bowling after we got back from dinner. It was quite hilarious. Jake was all excited to go and was bragging about how well he'd do, and then he totally flopped. Ha. It was great.
Ahh, then the diner, which was a very fimilar one o'clock in the morning expedition, especially with Cade and Jake. And Kaye showed up too. Um, and then a game at Jakes house for hours. Pretty hilarious. I only won one round and it was "who of the group is most likely to be a lusty flamanco dancer." and I tied with Asia for "who is most likely to reuse a tissue."
I'm making the turkey right now. I stuck garlic cloves into it and then put onions where its organs were. EWWWWW! I'm glad I'm not eating it.
My moms boyfriend slept over last night. Awkward. But, mom is happy and smiles so much more, so I can't complain.
I miss talking to Christt. Asia said something yesterday when I was telling her about Christt and how much I miss him. It was pretty funny, so I had to write it down. It went, " The scent of your man regulates you." Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious.
My dreams last night were vivid and beautiful. I only remember the last one, but it was Christt and I and this old beautiful woman who had cancer. She was so strong, but she was also weak becasue of her sickness. Her hair had fallen out and I wanted to help her. We were on red square and there was this whole trial that involved christt saving my life. THen red square turned into the ocean, but this metal structure holding up a large hollywood type sign that said CHOOSE LIFE was above us, and the old woman was holding on to it. SHe said that I was chosen and that Christt would help me gain my power from the people of the ocean. Christt smiled at me and put me on a donut floaty thing. then I began to spin until these bubbles of phosphorsense began to stick to the outside of my body. It tickled and I remember the feeling of the energy was so happy and full of health. I was swimming at this point and collecting the little bubbles. I wanted to help the woman though, so I grabed some bubbles and showered her with them. She smiled and told me that her time had come, but that I would take her place. She also said something about apprieciating the love that I recieve. SHe stepped out of the ocean and disappeared. I then turned to Christt and bathed his head in the bubbles. He smiled and we started to breath together and we sank below the ocean. The last thing I remember were christts eyes opening under the water and holding his smile in thier expression. It was beautiful. I haven't remembered a dream that vividly in a while.
Anyho, I guess I should write my essay.
I wonder how Christt is.