misery
hey all, sorry its been so long since my last entry, but what can i say, thats life....its 2:30 in the am on a friday night and i would like you all to know i just spent the evening with perhaps the most amazing girl i know. beautiful, smart, funny, gorgeous...
i know i told some of you about her...and honestly...idk, i'm so miserable right now, i doubt any of you can begin to understand it.. not to nullify any pain that any of you have felt, its just that i'm here dealing with this, and its not so great. so yea, i've been looking forward to this night for over a week...if u take into account i've known this girl, it's been almost 2 years.. i met her at work, and didnt believe that just the sight of someone could stop u dead in your tracks and suck the breath out of your chest..well the first time i saw her, it did...and tonight when she opened that door, i felt it again..so to sum up the evening, it went something like this: intended movie then food, or food then movie, whichever worked out...we decided to do movie then food...so we went to see school of rock...suprisingly good movie...we walk in the theater and its completely empty, so i proceed to ask her about her ex-boyfriend..long story short, she's going thru the same hell with him that i went thru with michele, except that she spoke of having met another guy...him being the reason things ended with her and her boyfriend to begin with. so as it turns out, i'm as far out of the picture as i could possibly be. and my God did it hurt to realize that. idk maybe i read too far into this..i guess i did, otherwise i wouldnt be sitting here so miserable...misery...its quickly becoming my best friend...and i hate it, i really do...why is it i've not found happiness? even temporary happiness? i was used for 4 years, a time when i should have developed the ability to approach girls and not be such a baby around them..i can't believe it, i just can't believe i'm so far away from her...then after the movie we just went home, neither of us said anything about eating...oh God i'm in pain...the ride back was so hard to deal with for me..little stupid playful jokes, pathetic attempts at flirtation...all the while, the most beautiful girl i've ever known was sitting inches away from me, and there was nothing i could do about it...o God, that hurts to say...i feel like crying, but it hurts so much that i cant...so as i walk her to the door, we stood there saying how we had such a nice evening, saying how we'll have to do it again the next time i'm in orlando, or her in miami...then...we said goodbye and goodnight, with a hug...something so sweet that hurt me so much...i wanted to kiss her, more than anything i've wanted in a long time, but i decided against it, and for some reason, i think she kinda knew that i wanted to...idk i'm a fool, if i think that then i'm assuming and jumping to conclusions, which thus far has gotten me here...i hope i feel better, she's so perfect...she really is...i'm gonna go, not sleep b/c i probably won't at all tonight...but then who cares...i don't think i do...f*ck it...goodnight
i know i told some of you about her...and honestly...idk, i'm so miserable right now, i doubt any of you can begin to understand it.. not to nullify any pain that any of you have felt, its just that i'm here dealing with this, and its not so great. so yea, i've been looking forward to this night for over a week...if u take into account i've known this girl, it's been almost 2 years.. i met her at work, and didnt believe that just the sight of someone could stop u dead in your tracks and suck the breath out of your chest..well the first time i saw her, it did...and tonight when she opened that door, i felt it again..so to sum up the evening, it went something like this: intended movie then food, or food then movie, whichever worked out...we decided to do movie then food...so we went to see school of rock...suprisingly good movie...we walk in the theater and its completely empty, so i proceed to ask her about her ex-boyfriend..long story short, she's going thru the same hell with him that i went thru with michele, except that she spoke of having met another guy...him being the reason things ended with her and her boyfriend to begin with. so as it turns out, i'm as far out of the picture as i could possibly be. and my God did it hurt to realize that. idk maybe i read too far into this..i guess i did, otherwise i wouldnt be sitting here so miserable...misery...its quickly becoming my best friend...and i hate it, i really do...why is it i've not found happiness? even temporary happiness? i was used for 4 years, a time when i should have developed the ability to approach girls and not be such a baby around them..i can't believe it, i just can't believe i'm so far away from her...then after the movie we just went home, neither of us said anything about eating...oh God i'm in pain...the ride back was so hard to deal with for me..little stupid playful jokes, pathetic attempts at flirtation...all the while, the most beautiful girl i've ever known was sitting inches away from me, and there was nothing i could do about it...o God, that hurts to say...i feel like crying, but it hurts so much that i cant...so as i walk her to the door, we stood there saying how we had such a nice evening, saying how we'll have to do it again the next time i'm in orlando, or her in miami...then...we said goodbye and goodnight, with a hug...something so sweet that hurt me so much...i wanted to kiss her, more than anything i've wanted in a long time, but i decided against it, and for some reason, i think she kinda knew that i wanted to...idk i'm a fool, if i think that then i'm assuming and jumping to conclusions, which thus far has gotten me here...i hope i feel better, she's so perfect...she really is...i'm gonna go, not sleep b/c i probably won't at all tonight...but then who cares...i don't think i do...f*ck it...goodnight