(ooc: CAKE5b)
Hanging out with Jean and Aaaaaalix, so I post cake.
The LAST of it! As I never got 'round to writing cake6 XD
...or was it cake4b...?
Rating: PG-13
Polygon: Jaegillaury
Word count: 18456
Butterfly.
It's Nimuë who finds him in the end, months after he's disappeared. She's at one of the many affairs that the family holds in the winter months, busy making connections and renewing acquaintances when she spots him across the room, talking to her cousin Cafell. At first she doesn't even recognise him, he is so changed. He is clean-cut and well-dressed, wearing distinguished if sober dress robes, and, noting the family resemblance, she at first thinks him to be a distant cousin, one of those whose name she is forever failing to remember, she sees them so rarely.
Curious about the unknown person, she moves closer and is surprised to find him presenting a well-reasoned and logical argument for the use of non-standard tarot in professional divination. Even more surprising is the absolute lack of emotion in his voice as he presents his points, and Nimuë is about to move on, so disturbed is she by the dead quality of his voice, when a gesture causes one of his sleeves to slip back for the barest of moments, and she catches a glimpse of his forearm, riddled with scars of all shapes and sizes.
Her first reaction is shock, her second anger. The past few months have been chaos for her - at least once a week either Katzenkaiser or Oniyama shows up in her office at the Ministry, desperate to know if she's heard anything from her brother. She might understand Katzenkaiser seeking her out for help, seeing as he's never been exactly in touch with how relations stand between Gillichu and the rest of the Chandler family, but Oniyama is another matter entirely. Oniyama's known Gillichu the longest, after the family itself and Victoria Bloom, he more than anyone should know that Nimuë would be among the last to know of her brother's doings. That Oniyama is seeking help from her speaks to her in volumes of his desperation, and it worries Nimuë to no end.
Nimuë's never seen any truth to her brother's claims of their family holding no love for him, though she can easily see why he might think that way. She herself has never hated him, and though he often frustrates her beyond reckoning, she has always been one of the first to stand up for him when others might seek to attack him and his peculiarities. Granted, she is careful to not allow him see her defend him, but the thought is there. Even in the most stressful of relations, there is a bond between twins that many would be wise to never test.
So when she sees him standing here, acting completely at odds with everything he's ever been, she wants nothing more than to slap him hard across the face. This is not the changeling-brother of her childhood, this is not the man of her adult years with whom she shares (she hopes) a tentative bond of respectful friendship. This is an empty shell, an outstanding mockery of the man she knows. Nothing short of a monster, and for the barest of moments, she thinks there can be no other explanation for his change other than that he is under Imperius, or (even worse) that this isn't him at all but instead a very poor actor using Polyjuice. But the chances of either being true are next to non-existent - Gillichu has no enemies, at least none serious enough to attempt anything of such a degree as this. Truthfully, Gillichu's worst enemy can be none other than himself and his depressingly poor self-image.
Furious with his idiocy and his tactlessness, she snatches his arm and drags him away to a side room, one empty of people. "You! You self-centred, idiotic, poor excuse for a human being! Just what do you think you're playing at with this charade? You hate Divination, you always have! You hate the predictions, you hate having to tell people when it looks bad for them - you're an utter pansy when it comes to this sort of thing and now you're just standing there, chatting about it with Cafell like it's nothing more consequential than the weather!" It hurts her to berate him like this, it isn't the same as when they were children and they would bicker back and forth. Then they never spoke of the fact that they both knew he was better at Divination than she was, never spoke of it because he had such a terrible, intense fear of it.
"What about the animals, Gillichu?" she asks, desperate to find the brother she remembers somewhere in this empty shell. "Ever since we were small you've never wanted anything more than to work with animals day in and day out, and you finally had that! The Creatures' department head has asked me at least three times this month alone whether I know when you'll be back from whatever trip you're on, she's half-a-dozen projects she'd like nothing more than to see your input on, and now I find that all this time you've been, what? Playing to the whims of the family? The family you declared war on when we were four and haven't sought to please since?" Nimuë pauses, silently begging him to explode at her in turn, respond in the manner he's always done, anger and violence without guidance, insults and exclamations.
Gillichu does none of these, instead taking it all and letting it roll over him, not allowing it to faze him in the least. His face is without expression, his eyes without emotion - a dull grey that bears little resemblance to the flashing hazel of her memories. When it becomes obvious she isn't about to speak, he simply shrugs his shoulders. "The animals were not a realistic dream. They were an unsure investment of my time. This is much better as there is security and-"
"To hell with security!" Nimuë shouts at him, cutting him off. "This isn't you. This isn't someone I know, this is a, a monster. A golem in a Gillichu-suit. Do you know - I have to deal with Katzenkaiser and Oniyama at least once a week, sometimes more, wanting to desperately know where you are, what's happened to you, if you're all right? That's dedication, Gillichu, that's love. Are you telling me that you gave up love for this half-life of pretending to be something you are completely and totally at odds with?"
"I have stability," he says calmly. "I am sorry that they are bothering you. If you would like, I can write them and let them know that you do not appreciate their harassment."
Nimuë winces at that. More than anything else, it hurts to see Gillichu like this. Voice monotone, speech stilted, expression blank, eyes empty. Aside from his earlier shrug, he has no body language to speak of, and she thinks it might be a little easier if he avoided her eyes or looked just a little bit regretful or sympathetic at her words. But he faces her straight-on and there's nothing on his face that might indicate humanity. Which is worse than anything, because she thought if he showed a reaction to anything, it would be the news of his lovers worrying about him. Suddenly she understands why their mother has always in her own way favoured Gillichu over Nimuë herself. This dead thing is what Gillichu could have easily become years ago under the influence of the Chandler family, under the pressure to achieve, to amass power and control. And that Gillichu resisted for so long, stayed true to himself and didn't accept the family's teachings - it's somehow very beautiful in its innocence and perseverance.
Which is what makes this corruption so incredibly ugly.
"And stability is worth it, Gillichu? Stability is worth giving up love? Giving up your dreams? Your self?" she asks, despairing at ever finding her brother. She's not sure if she has the heart to tell Katzenkaiser and Oniyama that she's found him, she's not sure she can subject them to seeing this changed beast. Nimuë can be cut-throat and heartless, but she frowns on needless cruelty.
For the first time, Gillichu glances away. "Stability cannot hurt me," he says in a small, quiet voice. "Stability means I do not have to worry about when it will end. Means I don't have to worry about how I'm fucking it up. It's so much easier."
Nimuë stares at him. This she understands, actually. This is something she's familiar with - scared Gillichu, trying hard to please everyone and always sure that something will go wrong, that he's messing up somehow. With Gillichu it's never been a case of if, it's always been a straightforward when. "Gillichu," she says softly, laying a hand on his arm, "it might not hurt you, but will you at least tell me one thing? Are you happy? Really happy?"
It's almost an unfair question, because she knows the answer already - it will be the same it's always been with Gillichu, the answer that made her laugh when she was little and made her shiver when she was older. She wonders how she'll take it this time. "No. But that's not any different than normal, is it?" Gillichu's voice is small and defeated, and Nimuë suppresses a shudder at the sound of it. "I'm not supposed to be happy. I messed up."
"How did you mess up?" she asks, not because she wants hear - she already knows the answer to this one, too - but because it needs to be said. If nothing else, he needs to get it out in the open.
"Don't know," he mutters, slumping so that she frowns and guides him to a couch so that he can sit down. "No one ever says. But I mean, I must've screwed up, right? I always screw up stuff, it's just what I do. Look at this - I thought I finally had it right, but I must've fucked it up again, because you're upset and you say Amaury and Jaegar are looking for me, so I must have pissed them off pretty badly somehow. And you'd think Mum'd be glad 'cause I'm finally doing what she always wanted me to do, with the Divination and stuff, but she gives me freaky looks all the time and even Da looks at me like he's disappointed with me."
She wants to slap him, really she does - Gillichu's logic has never made sense to anyone but Gillichu and so often it's depressingly defeatist in nature. "Has it ever occurred to you," she asks slowly, determined to make him see the light, "that maybe it wasn't just you? Other people make mistakes too, Gillichu, some of them much worse than anything you've ever done. Don't you want to be happy? Can't you admit, just for once, that the blame isn't entirely on your shoulders?"
"But what if it is?" he asks plaintively. "What if it is, and then I stop trying to fix it? Then I'll never get there... I tried so hard, so very hard with Jaegar and Amaury, but I fucked that up too, I just made them more upset. I try to make people happy, but I always mess up, I never do it right in the end. I just make everything worse. And no one ever tells me what I'm supposed to be doing."
"Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe they just want you? That maybe when you 'mess up' it's because you're trying to be something you're not? Gillichu, Mother and Father have never wanted you to be anything other than yourself," Nimuë says with a sigh, because she knows that's where this is all coming from, ultimately. "If it ever seemed otherwise when we were younger, it was only because they have a hard time understanding you. You're a hard person to understand, Gillichu."
"...really?"
"Honestly. I've no idea why Mother didn't sit you down ages ago and explain this to you - I suppose it's just not her way. Maybe she just assumed you'd pick it up on your own, which is silly because you never pick up on that kind of stuff when it has to do with you."
Gillichu bites his lip and gulps. Nimuë's grateful to see such a human reaction, grateful to see that his eyes, though worried and unsure, are brownish-green again. "Too bad it's too late," he mutters with a sigh as he rises and starts to leave.
Nimuë catches the back of his robe in her hand, frowning. "What's too late? And where do you think you're going, anyway?"
"Too late to with Jaegar and Amaury," Gillichu says, his voice desolate as he loosens her grip on his robes. "I screwed that one up, pretty well, eh? Fucked it up good, turning myself into an emotionless zombie and then running off when they got worried. And I'm going to pack up. You're right, you know - I can't do this, it's eating me up inside and I hate it. Maybe I'll find a nice house in the middle of absolutely nowhere, someplace where I won't mess up anyone else's life with my stupid issues."
She stares at him in disbelief. "Haven't you listened to a thing I've said? They still love you! Every week they come 'round asking me if I've heard from you. Oniyama is asking me about you, Gillichu - this is the act of a desperate man! And Katzenkaiser, he has this look that he gives me, like he'll never be happy again if I turn him away with nothing one more time! You do this and I swear I'll no longer have qualms about Divining your location for them, because I'm not letting you throw away love, your life, everything like this, you stupid, selfish bastard!"
He pauses at the door and laughs. It's a bitter laugh, one full of self-hate and self-depreciation and Nimuë doesn't like the implications of it at all. "Yeah, I know I'm selfish. Also ignorant, dense, and cowardly. Cowardly most of all. You want to know why I'm running away? Because I'm scared to go back. I'm scared that if I do and I try to work this all out, I'll find out that it's just like I always assumed it was, that they'll get tired and I'll be left alone with no one. If I run now at least I can preserve the fantasy that it might have actually lasted if I'd just been brave enough. I'd rather never try and have a happy lie than try and find out that it was the truth and I really am a complete arse when it comes to relationships."
"Don't you want to be happy, Gillichu?" Nimuë asks desperately. "Don't you want to be with them?"
"More than anything," he admits leaning against the door frame. There's a desperate ache in his voice, and she knows he's speaking the truth. "But I haven't the guts to face them and I'm not strong enough to survive it if they reject me. Nimuë, I don't dream at night, did you know? Nothing, just absolute blackness from the moment I drift off until the moment I wake up. But every morning, when I wake up, I find I've been crying during my sleep. I'm not happy like this, but then I'm never happy. I absolutely hate that I've given up my dreams, hate that I went and killed off any modicum of emotion I had, hate that I've given away animals that have been my friends for as long as I can remember, hate that I've given up on love and lost my oldest friend. I'm not a complete idiot and I know I'm my own worst enemy. I know that if I try to do anything, I'll set myself up for failure with my defeatist attitude and I know that's not natural or right. I'm aware of the fact that I've got problems, but that awareness doesn't help me any, since they're all still there at the end of the day. And I still wake up with wet cheeks every morning. You get used to it, after a while."
This is a maturity Nimuë's never expected to see in her brother, a maturity that she's heard rumours of for years, but always discounted as false, since how could Gillichu be anything other than brash and childish? "You could try, just this once," she says desperately, because she doesn't want it to end like this, doesn't want to see Gillichu give up on love when it's something that's so damned hard to find. "Everyone has their share of bad relationship experiences, Gillichu, it's just a fact of life. Look at me - I've had half-a-dozen boyfriends over the past few years and nearly all of them have turned out to be horrid in the end. You've gone and snagged two wonderful, thoughtful men who both think you're an absolutely amazing person - and you want to give up on them because you're too afraid that you might get burned."
Gillichu gives her a half-smile, "You should have stuck with Parnelle. You two were good for each other."
"I would have but I couldn't insist that she give up Ichatsuku, and alas - ménage à trois are not for everyone," Nimuë says, returning his smile with a quirk of her lips. "My point is, everyone has relationship problems, it's just a fact of life. You can't refuse to try simply because you're afraid you'll get hurt. That would be like... refusing to go outside because you might get rained on." She bites her lip, hesitates, then decides the hell with it, she'll bring out the big guns - why be the older sibling by all of fifteen minutes if she doesn't torment him everyone now and then? "If you don't at least try, I swear I'm going to tell Mrs Bloom where you're hiding out and send her after you. And if that doesn't work, I'll send Reginald after you next and have him make your life a living hell."
"...you wouldn't dare send Aunt Vicky," Gillichu says, his eyes wide. "Reggie wouldn't be so bad - I mean, he still hates me for taking a N.E.W.T. in Divination behind his back, but that's not so bad..."
"Do it, Gillichu, or I swear I will. You're twenty-three and it's high time that you started acting like an adult and taking responsibility for your actions," she says sternly. "I'll march you to their door if that's what it takes, but you had better damn well do it."
There's a sigh of resignation, and Gillichu slumps against the door, his eyes closed. "No. No, it's all right, you don't have to - I'll take care of it myself. I got myself into this and I'll have to get myself out on my own."
There's a note of finality in his words, and Nimuë does not doubt that he will follow through. Satisfied with what has been said, she rises, intending to return to the party now that there is nothing more required of her here. She is more than a little surprised when Gillichu catches her arm at the door and gives her a genuine, if rather awkward, hug. "Nimuë. I know I've never really said it, but, um, thanks for sticking by me. You're a good sister."
The words are ones she's never expected to hear from him, and she's surprised that he has the strength to say them. Perhaps he really is serious about trying for maturity, and the thought lightens her heart. "Thank you," she says with a blush of pleasure and returns his embrace with true enthusiasm, "I try. I suppose you're all right for a brother. When you're not being a complete idiot."
When she steps back into the crowded room, there's a warmth in Nimuë's chest that wasn't there earlier in the evening, a flush to her cheeks that makes her stand out in the crowded room, and a hint of mischief winking wickedly in her green eyes. She likes Gillichu, in a way, always has. He brings out the best in her.
It's what he does for a lot of people.
The LAST of it! As I never got 'round to writing cake6 XD
...or was it cake4b...?
Rating: PG-13
Polygon: Jaegillaury
Word count: 18456
Butterfly.
It's Nimuë who finds him in the end, months after he's disappeared. She's at one of the many affairs that the family holds in the winter months, busy making connections and renewing acquaintances when she spots him across the room, talking to her cousin Cafell. At first she doesn't even recognise him, he is so changed. He is clean-cut and well-dressed, wearing distinguished if sober dress robes, and, noting the family resemblance, she at first thinks him to be a distant cousin, one of those whose name she is forever failing to remember, she sees them so rarely.
Curious about the unknown person, she moves closer and is surprised to find him presenting a well-reasoned and logical argument for the use of non-standard tarot in professional divination. Even more surprising is the absolute lack of emotion in his voice as he presents his points, and Nimuë is about to move on, so disturbed is she by the dead quality of his voice, when a gesture causes one of his sleeves to slip back for the barest of moments, and she catches a glimpse of his forearm, riddled with scars of all shapes and sizes.
Her first reaction is shock, her second anger. The past few months have been chaos for her - at least once a week either Katzenkaiser or Oniyama shows up in her office at the Ministry, desperate to know if she's heard anything from her brother. She might understand Katzenkaiser seeking her out for help, seeing as he's never been exactly in touch with how relations stand between Gillichu and the rest of the Chandler family, but Oniyama is another matter entirely. Oniyama's known Gillichu the longest, after the family itself and Victoria Bloom, he more than anyone should know that Nimuë would be among the last to know of her brother's doings. That Oniyama is seeking help from her speaks to her in volumes of his desperation, and it worries Nimuë to no end.
Nimuë's never seen any truth to her brother's claims of their family holding no love for him, though she can easily see why he might think that way. She herself has never hated him, and though he often frustrates her beyond reckoning, she has always been one of the first to stand up for him when others might seek to attack him and his peculiarities. Granted, she is careful to not allow him see her defend him, but the thought is there. Even in the most stressful of relations, there is a bond between twins that many would be wise to never test.
So when she sees him standing here, acting completely at odds with everything he's ever been, she wants nothing more than to slap him hard across the face. This is not the changeling-brother of her childhood, this is not the man of her adult years with whom she shares (she hopes) a tentative bond of respectful friendship. This is an empty shell, an outstanding mockery of the man she knows. Nothing short of a monster, and for the barest of moments, she thinks there can be no other explanation for his change other than that he is under Imperius, or (even worse) that this isn't him at all but instead a very poor actor using Polyjuice. But the chances of either being true are next to non-existent - Gillichu has no enemies, at least none serious enough to attempt anything of such a degree as this. Truthfully, Gillichu's worst enemy can be none other than himself and his depressingly poor self-image.
Furious with his idiocy and his tactlessness, she snatches his arm and drags him away to a side room, one empty of people. "You! You self-centred, idiotic, poor excuse for a human being! Just what do you think you're playing at with this charade? You hate Divination, you always have! You hate the predictions, you hate having to tell people when it looks bad for them - you're an utter pansy when it comes to this sort of thing and now you're just standing there, chatting about it with Cafell like it's nothing more consequential than the weather!" It hurts her to berate him like this, it isn't the same as when they were children and they would bicker back and forth. Then they never spoke of the fact that they both knew he was better at Divination than she was, never spoke of it because he had such a terrible, intense fear of it.
"What about the animals, Gillichu?" she asks, desperate to find the brother she remembers somewhere in this empty shell. "Ever since we were small you've never wanted anything more than to work with animals day in and day out, and you finally had that! The Creatures' department head has asked me at least three times this month alone whether I know when you'll be back from whatever trip you're on, she's half-a-dozen projects she'd like nothing more than to see your input on, and now I find that all this time you've been, what? Playing to the whims of the family? The family you declared war on when we were four and haven't sought to please since?" Nimuë pauses, silently begging him to explode at her in turn, respond in the manner he's always done, anger and violence without guidance, insults and exclamations.
Gillichu does none of these, instead taking it all and letting it roll over him, not allowing it to faze him in the least. His face is without expression, his eyes without emotion - a dull grey that bears little resemblance to the flashing hazel of her memories. When it becomes obvious she isn't about to speak, he simply shrugs his shoulders. "The animals were not a realistic dream. They were an unsure investment of my time. This is much better as there is security and-"
"To hell with security!" Nimuë shouts at him, cutting him off. "This isn't you. This isn't someone I know, this is a, a monster. A golem in a Gillichu-suit. Do you know - I have to deal with Katzenkaiser and Oniyama at least once a week, sometimes more, wanting to desperately know where you are, what's happened to you, if you're all right? That's dedication, Gillichu, that's love. Are you telling me that you gave up love for this half-life of pretending to be something you are completely and totally at odds with?"
"I have stability," he says calmly. "I am sorry that they are bothering you. If you would like, I can write them and let them know that you do not appreciate their harassment."
Nimuë winces at that. More than anything else, it hurts to see Gillichu like this. Voice monotone, speech stilted, expression blank, eyes empty. Aside from his earlier shrug, he has no body language to speak of, and she thinks it might be a little easier if he avoided her eyes or looked just a little bit regretful or sympathetic at her words. But he faces her straight-on and there's nothing on his face that might indicate humanity. Which is worse than anything, because she thought if he showed a reaction to anything, it would be the news of his lovers worrying about him. Suddenly she understands why their mother has always in her own way favoured Gillichu over Nimuë herself. This dead thing is what Gillichu could have easily become years ago under the influence of the Chandler family, under the pressure to achieve, to amass power and control. And that Gillichu resisted for so long, stayed true to himself and didn't accept the family's teachings - it's somehow very beautiful in its innocence and perseverance.
Which is what makes this corruption so incredibly ugly.
"And stability is worth it, Gillichu? Stability is worth giving up love? Giving up your dreams? Your self?" she asks, despairing at ever finding her brother. She's not sure if she has the heart to tell Katzenkaiser and Oniyama that she's found him, she's not sure she can subject them to seeing this changed beast. Nimuë can be cut-throat and heartless, but she frowns on needless cruelty.
For the first time, Gillichu glances away. "Stability cannot hurt me," he says in a small, quiet voice. "Stability means I do not have to worry about when it will end. Means I don't have to worry about how I'm fucking it up. It's so much easier."
Nimuë stares at him. This she understands, actually. This is something she's familiar with - scared Gillichu, trying hard to please everyone and always sure that something will go wrong, that he's messing up somehow. With Gillichu it's never been a case of if, it's always been a straightforward when. "Gillichu," she says softly, laying a hand on his arm, "it might not hurt you, but will you at least tell me one thing? Are you happy? Really happy?"
It's almost an unfair question, because she knows the answer already - it will be the same it's always been with Gillichu, the answer that made her laugh when she was little and made her shiver when she was older. She wonders how she'll take it this time. "No. But that's not any different than normal, is it?" Gillichu's voice is small and defeated, and Nimuë suppresses a shudder at the sound of it. "I'm not supposed to be happy. I messed up."
"How did you mess up?" she asks, not because she wants hear - she already knows the answer to this one, too - but because it needs to be said. If nothing else, he needs to get it out in the open.
"Don't know," he mutters, slumping so that she frowns and guides him to a couch so that he can sit down. "No one ever says. But I mean, I must've screwed up, right? I always screw up stuff, it's just what I do. Look at this - I thought I finally had it right, but I must've fucked it up again, because you're upset and you say Amaury and Jaegar are looking for me, so I must have pissed them off pretty badly somehow. And you'd think Mum'd be glad 'cause I'm finally doing what she always wanted me to do, with the Divination and stuff, but she gives me freaky looks all the time and even Da looks at me like he's disappointed with me."
She wants to slap him, really she does - Gillichu's logic has never made sense to anyone but Gillichu and so often it's depressingly defeatist in nature. "Has it ever occurred to you," she asks slowly, determined to make him see the light, "that maybe it wasn't just you? Other people make mistakes too, Gillichu, some of them much worse than anything you've ever done. Don't you want to be happy? Can't you admit, just for once, that the blame isn't entirely on your shoulders?"
"But what if it is?" he asks plaintively. "What if it is, and then I stop trying to fix it? Then I'll never get there... I tried so hard, so very hard with Jaegar and Amaury, but I fucked that up too, I just made them more upset. I try to make people happy, but I always mess up, I never do it right in the end. I just make everything worse. And no one ever tells me what I'm supposed to be doing."
"Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe they just want you? That maybe when you 'mess up' it's because you're trying to be something you're not? Gillichu, Mother and Father have never wanted you to be anything other than yourself," Nimuë says with a sigh, because she knows that's where this is all coming from, ultimately. "If it ever seemed otherwise when we were younger, it was only because they have a hard time understanding you. You're a hard person to understand, Gillichu."
"...really?"
"Honestly. I've no idea why Mother didn't sit you down ages ago and explain this to you - I suppose it's just not her way. Maybe she just assumed you'd pick it up on your own, which is silly because you never pick up on that kind of stuff when it has to do with you."
Gillichu bites his lip and gulps. Nimuë's grateful to see such a human reaction, grateful to see that his eyes, though worried and unsure, are brownish-green again. "Too bad it's too late," he mutters with a sigh as he rises and starts to leave.
Nimuë catches the back of his robe in her hand, frowning. "What's too late? And where do you think you're going, anyway?"
"Too late to with Jaegar and Amaury," Gillichu says, his voice desolate as he loosens her grip on his robes. "I screwed that one up, pretty well, eh? Fucked it up good, turning myself into an emotionless zombie and then running off when they got worried. And I'm going to pack up. You're right, you know - I can't do this, it's eating me up inside and I hate it. Maybe I'll find a nice house in the middle of absolutely nowhere, someplace where I won't mess up anyone else's life with my stupid issues."
She stares at him in disbelief. "Haven't you listened to a thing I've said? They still love you! Every week they come 'round asking me if I've heard from you. Oniyama is asking me about you, Gillichu - this is the act of a desperate man! And Katzenkaiser, he has this look that he gives me, like he'll never be happy again if I turn him away with nothing one more time! You do this and I swear I'll no longer have qualms about Divining your location for them, because I'm not letting you throw away love, your life, everything like this, you stupid, selfish bastard!"
He pauses at the door and laughs. It's a bitter laugh, one full of self-hate and self-depreciation and Nimuë doesn't like the implications of it at all. "Yeah, I know I'm selfish. Also ignorant, dense, and cowardly. Cowardly most of all. You want to know why I'm running away? Because I'm scared to go back. I'm scared that if I do and I try to work this all out, I'll find out that it's just like I always assumed it was, that they'll get tired and I'll be left alone with no one. If I run now at least I can preserve the fantasy that it might have actually lasted if I'd just been brave enough. I'd rather never try and have a happy lie than try and find out that it was the truth and I really am a complete arse when it comes to relationships."
"Don't you want to be happy, Gillichu?" Nimuë asks desperately. "Don't you want to be with them?"
"More than anything," he admits leaning against the door frame. There's a desperate ache in his voice, and she knows he's speaking the truth. "But I haven't the guts to face them and I'm not strong enough to survive it if they reject me. Nimuë, I don't dream at night, did you know? Nothing, just absolute blackness from the moment I drift off until the moment I wake up. But every morning, when I wake up, I find I've been crying during my sleep. I'm not happy like this, but then I'm never happy. I absolutely hate that I've given up my dreams, hate that I went and killed off any modicum of emotion I had, hate that I've given away animals that have been my friends for as long as I can remember, hate that I've given up on love and lost my oldest friend. I'm not a complete idiot and I know I'm my own worst enemy. I know that if I try to do anything, I'll set myself up for failure with my defeatist attitude and I know that's not natural or right. I'm aware of the fact that I've got problems, but that awareness doesn't help me any, since they're all still there at the end of the day. And I still wake up with wet cheeks every morning. You get used to it, after a while."
This is a maturity Nimuë's never expected to see in her brother, a maturity that she's heard rumours of for years, but always discounted as false, since how could Gillichu be anything other than brash and childish? "You could try, just this once," she says desperately, because she doesn't want it to end like this, doesn't want to see Gillichu give up on love when it's something that's so damned hard to find. "Everyone has their share of bad relationship experiences, Gillichu, it's just a fact of life. Look at me - I've had half-a-dozen boyfriends over the past few years and nearly all of them have turned out to be horrid in the end. You've gone and snagged two wonderful, thoughtful men who both think you're an absolutely amazing person - and you want to give up on them because you're too afraid that you might get burned."
Gillichu gives her a half-smile, "You should have stuck with Parnelle. You two were good for each other."
"I would have but I couldn't insist that she give up Ichatsuku, and alas - ménage à trois are not for everyone," Nimuë says, returning his smile with a quirk of her lips. "My point is, everyone has relationship problems, it's just a fact of life. You can't refuse to try simply because you're afraid you'll get hurt. That would be like... refusing to go outside because you might get rained on." She bites her lip, hesitates, then decides the hell with it, she'll bring out the big guns - why be the older sibling by all of fifteen minutes if she doesn't torment him everyone now and then? "If you don't at least try, I swear I'm going to tell Mrs Bloom where you're hiding out and send her after you. And if that doesn't work, I'll send Reginald after you next and have him make your life a living hell."
"...you wouldn't dare send Aunt Vicky," Gillichu says, his eyes wide. "Reggie wouldn't be so bad - I mean, he still hates me for taking a N.E.W.T. in Divination behind his back, but that's not so bad..."
"Do it, Gillichu, or I swear I will. You're twenty-three and it's high time that you started acting like an adult and taking responsibility for your actions," she says sternly. "I'll march you to their door if that's what it takes, but you had better damn well do it."
There's a sigh of resignation, and Gillichu slumps against the door, his eyes closed. "No. No, it's all right, you don't have to - I'll take care of it myself. I got myself into this and I'll have to get myself out on my own."
There's a note of finality in his words, and Nimuë does not doubt that he will follow through. Satisfied with what has been said, she rises, intending to return to the party now that there is nothing more required of her here. She is more than a little surprised when Gillichu catches her arm at the door and gives her a genuine, if rather awkward, hug. "Nimuë. I know I've never really said it, but, um, thanks for sticking by me. You're a good sister."
The words are ones she's never expected to hear from him, and she's surprised that he has the strength to say them. Perhaps he really is serious about trying for maturity, and the thought lightens her heart. "Thank you," she says with a blush of pleasure and returns his embrace with true enthusiasm, "I try. I suppose you're all right for a brother. When you're not being a complete idiot."
When she steps back into the crowded room, there's a warmth in Nimuë's chest that wasn't there earlier in the evening, a flush to her cheeks that makes her stand out in the crowded room, and a hint of mischief winking wickedly in her green eyes. She likes Gillichu, in a way, always has. He brings out the best in her.
It's what he does for a lot of people.