(ooc: CAKE 5)
Er. Not really part of the other cake fics, more of an... AU of an AU. Posted 'cause Alix wanted angst. So, hm... Angst ahead. Lots and lots of angst. Like, SERIOUSLY.
Rating: PG-13
Polygon: Jaegillaury
Word count: 2038
Yuè Bĭng.
Gillichu doesn't know how he's ended up here, ended up in this bed, between these two men. Though both Jaegar and Amaury have reassured him many a time that he is just as much a part of this relationship as they are, he finds their words hard to believe. It's in his nature to not believe words of love when they are told to him, to not trust the sincerity of those who proclaim to love him. His insecurities stem from neglect at the hands of his parents, the confused dance that he and Pepper wove around one another when at school, and other things, things he never speaks of. Between the mistakes of others and his own self-hate, Gillichu finds it hard to feel secure in anything, hard to enjoy happiness when it comes his way.
Because it's so easy to believe that he is here in this place and in this bed just for their pleasure and convenience. That both will eventually tire of him and kindly but firmly turn him away, tell him they no longer have any use for him.
It's a constant fear of Gillichu's that he'll become a useless item. A pointless object with no direction, no guidance, no purpose. The thought of becoming such a thing terrifies him and he'll do nearly anything to prevent that from happening, do anything to hold on to Jaegar and Amaury's attentions now that he has them. He tries hard to make himself indispensable, tries to do as much as he possibly can around the flat so they'll have no reason to find fault in him, no reason to see him as something superfluous and unnecessary.
Gillichu has never understood the concept of unconditional love, and in a way he finds it infinitely easier to be a friend than to be a lover. Friends demand nothing from you, just your presence and an occasional smile. Though he craves love, Gillichu is wary of it, as love demands commitment, time, effort, attention. All sorts of things Gillichu's never quite been able to understand. He tries hard to meet all that love requires of him, but he's never sure whether he's doing the right things and he has this perpetual sinking feeling that he's doing everything wrong and that it's just a matter of time before he's shut out in the cold again and left looking in at something he'll never truly have or understand.
So it is that fear has become Gillichu's prime motivator when it comes to love. It is the reason why he avoids love when possible, the reason why he tries to kill it when it overtakes him, the reason why he tries so hard to do it right when becomes it obvious that he has no chance of escaping it. When he realised love for Pepper at eighteen, his first reaction was not happiness or wonder. It was immediate, soul-jarring fear. Fear of rejection, both of love and of friendship, fear of disinterest on her part, fear that he simply wasn't good enough for her. In the end, he found it easier to accept failure through inaction than face all his fears.
Gillichu knows he's a coward at heart. He knows that most of his fears are unfounded, knows that most of his preconceptions of the world are skewed, false, illogical, and incorrect. He knows all of this, but it doesn't help him any. The fears are too entrenched for him to forget them now, and it doesn't help that no one's ever taken the time to teach him the proper way of things. So though he tries hard to believe the words of love that first Jaegar and later Amaury tell him, Gillichu finds it difficult to lend them any credence. Finds it hard to understand them, to understand that neither man wants anything from him other than his own love in return. Love that Gillichu has never felt comfortable giving, ever since his attempts at affection were rebuffed as a child - his own fault, in his mind, as no one's ever bothered to explain that to him either.
Determined to not lose the love he's somehow stumbled onto this time, Gillichu tries his very hardest to make sure he doesn't make the same mistakes that caused him to be rejected by his family. He tries to control his emotions, tries not to appear needy or anxious, tries to anticipate the needs and wants and pleasures of his lovers before they speak them. He allows himself to give in to their decisions even when they rub him the wrong way and he feels uncomfortable and unhappy with the outcome. It doesn't matter what he feels, Gillichu knows. From his experience, love is all about making the other person happy, all about pleasing them even if it means giving up yourself.
When Jaegar and Amaury become upset with his new passive and quiet behaviour, Gillichu becomes even more confused. He doesn't understand why they perpetually ask him if he's feeling all right, whether he's sure about his decisions, if he doesn't want to slow down and simply relax sometimes. It occurs to him that he must still be doing something wrong, but he simply can't figure out what it is. Eventually, Gillichu begins to think that perhaps he's just a failure when it comes to love. After all, what is the point in trying to love a person who doesn't understand how humans love, but can accurately report the courtship behaviours of dozens of different species all over the planet? Nothing makes sense, and Gillichu wonders why human mating practices can't be as simple as those of the animals he so adores.
Upon occasion, Gillichu thinks of perhaps trying to approach the loving of others in the same way that he himself would like to be loved, but he never carries through with the thought - he's tried it in the past and it failed miserably then, so he's quite certain that that's not the way to go about it. Humans in love have no interest in how their mate's day has gone, no interest their mate's projects, no interest in random displays of affection, public or private. And even though both Jaegar and Amaury break all these rules time and time again, Gillichu never dares to breach them himself, knowing that it will not be treated with the same easy nonchalance if he's the one doing the breaking. He bites his lip and says nothing about the creatures he works with, the people he meets, the things that he does in his free time. He shies away from hugging or kissing outside of the flat, in fact feels vaguely uncomfortable when either of the others try to initiate such things outside of any situation that is sexual in nature. Such things aren't acceptable, Gillichu knows. At least, not when it comes to him.
At the same time, it hurts to follow the rules. Gillichu wants to be able to have someone to talk to about his dreams and aspirations, someone who will respond with words and not barks or mewls or caws, someone who will understand the words he says to them. He wants to be able pour out his insecurities and fears and have each and every one of them countered and shot down, wants to be able to curl up with those he loves when he's upset, wants to be soothed and comforted. Simple wants, but all of them things that he needs so much, wants so much, and all of them things he doesn't dare try and fulfil, because that would be selfish and inconsiderate of him and who wants to listen to someone whinge on and on about how awful their life is anyway? And it's all so scary, because even as he cuts bits and pieces of himself off so as to make this last longer and waylay the fear of being alone, Gillichu knows he's pushing them both farther and farther away, while creating a person who isn't him, a false image that he hates and despises.
Still, it's just as well. Gillichu knows what he is, and it isn't someone worth loving. They say they love him but it can't be true, and even if it is, it won't stay true, not really. Before long they'll see he's just what he presents himself to be: brash, immature, ignorant, practically inhuman. And they'll be so disappointed that there aren't any hidden facets to his character that they'll drop him like a hot coal and then he'll have to add unloved and useless to that list as well. Instead he creates false depths and hides truths, becoming a sterile puppet that simply follows what they tell him, and though he hates it, he will not give it up. Giving up the false-him means giving up any chance he may have at finally being loved, and Gillichu can't do that, could never do that.
So he kills himself on the inside in order to cling to the one thing he's spent his entire life trying to find. Kills the playful, rambunctious boy that still lurked deep inside him, kills his curiosity, kills his sense of adventure. All of these are things that his family has tried to do away with for years, though they've never offered the proper incentive for him to ever really follow through. He tries to be positive, tries to tell himself that in destroying all the parts of himself that don't fit, have never fit, he'll keep the love of not only Jaegar and Amaury, but possibly gain the love of his parents at long last. He tells himself that it's not giving in, this transition from animal to machine, it's simply survival. But even though Gillichu has had a lifetime of lying to himself, he's unable to truly accept this, and the killing of his unsavoury traits is slowly killing him as well.
He loses expressions, emotions. Loses happiness, anger, fear, sadness. He can, upon occasion, call up adequate facsimiles of each, but inside he feels numb and cold, and he moves through life as if in a daze. He loses his individuality, his spark, his vitality. He becomes a snuffed candle with a wick long since divested of flame, cold and dead to the world. He loses his self.
Eventually, he loses his love.
Gillichu becomes so lost, so numb that when Jaegar confronts him and begs to know what's wrong, what's happened to the man he fell in love with, when Amaury just stands there with sadness and betrayal in his eyes, Gillichu feels no fear, no hurt; he feels nothing at all. He takes it all and rolls with it, and afterwards thinks nothing of packing up his things in the middle of the night and slipping out the door without a word. This was only to be expected after all - it's not as if he can ever do enough to earn another person's love. He leaves the animals with Victoria, even Alfred and Bird who've been with him the longest, and asks her to please find them good homes. Then he submits himself to the will of his parents and his family. Already dead inside as he is now, there is no point in following his dreams. Particularly when they will only fall to pieces in the end.
There is no love for him at Cannwyll Ogof, but then there never has been. Gillichu discards stained shirts and worn gloves for tailor-made robes and shiny leather shoes. Having lost all of himself, there is nothing left of him to fear the trappings of Divination, and he shocks the family with his immediate grasp of the concepts and his undeniable skill at the practice. His life becomes as sterile as his soul, and when he sleeps at night, Gillichu has no dreams. He wonders why he ever struggled against this in the first place. Everything is so much easier when he simply gives up trying, gives up caring.
And if he wakes every morning with wet cheeks and lips that taste of salt, it's but a small price to pay for stability.
Rating: PG-13
Polygon: Jaegillaury
Word count: 2038
Yuè Bĭng.
Gillichu doesn't know how he's ended up here, ended up in this bed, between these two men. Though both Jaegar and Amaury have reassured him many a time that he is just as much a part of this relationship as they are, he finds their words hard to believe. It's in his nature to not believe words of love when they are told to him, to not trust the sincerity of those who proclaim to love him. His insecurities stem from neglect at the hands of his parents, the confused dance that he and Pepper wove around one another when at school, and other things, things he never speaks of. Between the mistakes of others and his own self-hate, Gillichu finds it hard to feel secure in anything, hard to enjoy happiness when it comes his way.
Because it's so easy to believe that he is here in this place and in this bed just for their pleasure and convenience. That both will eventually tire of him and kindly but firmly turn him away, tell him they no longer have any use for him.
It's a constant fear of Gillichu's that he'll become a useless item. A pointless object with no direction, no guidance, no purpose. The thought of becoming such a thing terrifies him and he'll do nearly anything to prevent that from happening, do anything to hold on to Jaegar and Amaury's attentions now that he has them. He tries hard to make himself indispensable, tries to do as much as he possibly can around the flat so they'll have no reason to find fault in him, no reason to see him as something superfluous and unnecessary.
Gillichu has never understood the concept of unconditional love, and in a way he finds it infinitely easier to be a friend than to be a lover. Friends demand nothing from you, just your presence and an occasional smile. Though he craves love, Gillichu is wary of it, as love demands commitment, time, effort, attention. All sorts of things Gillichu's never quite been able to understand. He tries hard to meet all that love requires of him, but he's never sure whether he's doing the right things and he has this perpetual sinking feeling that he's doing everything wrong and that it's just a matter of time before he's shut out in the cold again and left looking in at something he'll never truly have or understand.
So it is that fear has become Gillichu's prime motivator when it comes to love. It is the reason why he avoids love when possible, the reason why he tries to kill it when it overtakes him, the reason why he tries so hard to do it right when becomes it obvious that he has no chance of escaping it. When he realised love for Pepper at eighteen, his first reaction was not happiness or wonder. It was immediate, soul-jarring fear. Fear of rejection, both of love and of friendship, fear of disinterest on her part, fear that he simply wasn't good enough for her. In the end, he found it easier to accept failure through inaction than face all his fears.
Gillichu knows he's a coward at heart. He knows that most of his fears are unfounded, knows that most of his preconceptions of the world are skewed, false, illogical, and incorrect. He knows all of this, but it doesn't help him any. The fears are too entrenched for him to forget them now, and it doesn't help that no one's ever taken the time to teach him the proper way of things. So though he tries hard to believe the words of love that first Jaegar and later Amaury tell him, Gillichu finds it difficult to lend them any credence. Finds it hard to understand them, to understand that neither man wants anything from him other than his own love in return. Love that Gillichu has never felt comfortable giving, ever since his attempts at affection were rebuffed as a child - his own fault, in his mind, as no one's ever bothered to explain that to him either.
Determined to not lose the love he's somehow stumbled onto this time, Gillichu tries his very hardest to make sure he doesn't make the same mistakes that caused him to be rejected by his family. He tries to control his emotions, tries not to appear needy or anxious, tries to anticipate the needs and wants and pleasures of his lovers before they speak them. He allows himself to give in to their decisions even when they rub him the wrong way and he feels uncomfortable and unhappy with the outcome. It doesn't matter what he feels, Gillichu knows. From his experience, love is all about making the other person happy, all about pleasing them even if it means giving up yourself.
When Jaegar and Amaury become upset with his new passive and quiet behaviour, Gillichu becomes even more confused. He doesn't understand why they perpetually ask him if he's feeling all right, whether he's sure about his decisions, if he doesn't want to slow down and simply relax sometimes. It occurs to him that he must still be doing something wrong, but he simply can't figure out what it is. Eventually, Gillichu begins to think that perhaps he's just a failure when it comes to love. After all, what is the point in trying to love a person who doesn't understand how humans love, but can accurately report the courtship behaviours of dozens of different species all over the planet? Nothing makes sense, and Gillichu wonders why human mating practices can't be as simple as those of the animals he so adores.
Upon occasion, Gillichu thinks of perhaps trying to approach the loving of others in the same way that he himself would like to be loved, but he never carries through with the thought - he's tried it in the past and it failed miserably then, so he's quite certain that that's not the way to go about it. Humans in love have no interest in how their mate's day has gone, no interest their mate's projects, no interest in random displays of affection, public or private. And even though both Jaegar and Amaury break all these rules time and time again, Gillichu never dares to breach them himself, knowing that it will not be treated with the same easy nonchalance if he's the one doing the breaking. He bites his lip and says nothing about the creatures he works with, the people he meets, the things that he does in his free time. He shies away from hugging or kissing outside of the flat, in fact feels vaguely uncomfortable when either of the others try to initiate such things outside of any situation that is sexual in nature. Such things aren't acceptable, Gillichu knows. At least, not when it comes to him.
At the same time, it hurts to follow the rules. Gillichu wants to be able to have someone to talk to about his dreams and aspirations, someone who will respond with words and not barks or mewls or caws, someone who will understand the words he says to them. He wants to be able pour out his insecurities and fears and have each and every one of them countered and shot down, wants to be able to curl up with those he loves when he's upset, wants to be soothed and comforted. Simple wants, but all of them things that he needs so much, wants so much, and all of them things he doesn't dare try and fulfil, because that would be selfish and inconsiderate of him and who wants to listen to someone whinge on and on about how awful their life is anyway? And it's all so scary, because even as he cuts bits and pieces of himself off so as to make this last longer and waylay the fear of being alone, Gillichu knows he's pushing them both farther and farther away, while creating a person who isn't him, a false image that he hates and despises.
Still, it's just as well. Gillichu knows what he is, and it isn't someone worth loving. They say they love him but it can't be true, and even if it is, it won't stay true, not really. Before long they'll see he's just what he presents himself to be: brash, immature, ignorant, practically inhuman. And they'll be so disappointed that there aren't any hidden facets to his character that they'll drop him like a hot coal and then he'll have to add unloved and useless to that list as well. Instead he creates false depths and hides truths, becoming a sterile puppet that simply follows what they tell him, and though he hates it, he will not give it up. Giving up the false-him means giving up any chance he may have at finally being loved, and Gillichu can't do that, could never do that.
So he kills himself on the inside in order to cling to the one thing he's spent his entire life trying to find. Kills the playful, rambunctious boy that still lurked deep inside him, kills his curiosity, kills his sense of adventure. All of these are things that his family has tried to do away with for years, though they've never offered the proper incentive for him to ever really follow through. He tries to be positive, tries to tell himself that in destroying all the parts of himself that don't fit, have never fit, he'll keep the love of not only Jaegar and Amaury, but possibly gain the love of his parents at long last. He tells himself that it's not giving in, this transition from animal to machine, it's simply survival. But even though Gillichu has had a lifetime of lying to himself, he's unable to truly accept this, and the killing of his unsavoury traits is slowly killing him as well.
He loses expressions, emotions. Loses happiness, anger, fear, sadness. He can, upon occasion, call up adequate facsimiles of each, but inside he feels numb and cold, and he moves through life as if in a daze. He loses his individuality, his spark, his vitality. He becomes a snuffed candle with a wick long since divested of flame, cold and dead to the world. He loses his self.
Eventually, he loses his love.
Gillichu becomes so lost, so numb that when Jaegar confronts him and begs to know what's wrong, what's happened to the man he fell in love with, when Amaury just stands there with sadness and betrayal in his eyes, Gillichu feels no fear, no hurt; he feels nothing at all. He takes it all and rolls with it, and afterwards thinks nothing of packing up his things in the middle of the night and slipping out the door without a word. This was only to be expected after all - it's not as if he can ever do enough to earn another person's love. He leaves the animals with Victoria, even Alfred and Bird who've been with him the longest, and asks her to please find them good homes. Then he submits himself to the will of his parents and his family. Already dead inside as he is now, there is no point in following his dreams. Particularly when they will only fall to pieces in the end.
There is no love for him at Cannwyll Ogof, but then there never has been. Gillichu discards stained shirts and worn gloves for tailor-made robes and shiny leather shoes. Having lost all of himself, there is nothing left of him to fear the trappings of Divination, and he shocks the family with his immediate grasp of the concepts and his undeniable skill at the practice. His life becomes as sterile as his soul, and when he sleeps at night, Gillichu has no dreams. He wonders why he ever struggled against this in the first place. Everything is so much easier when he simply gives up trying, gives up caring.
And if he wakes every morning with wet cheeks and lips that taste of salt, it's but a small price to pay for stability.