(no subject)
You would think going on vacation would be a wonderful way to relax, reset your mind, shed away the stress of day-to-day life.
Well, for some fucked up reason, it did the exact opposite for me. Yes, it shed away that daily stress and some of the depression that my current job so graciously provides me, but instead of coming back refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to tackle life again, I just fell back into the pit I've been working so hard to climb out of over the last couple of months.
It's definitely time for a hiatus again. Disappear for a while to reset my mind and focus on myself. I know I'm just starting and I can't expect immediate results, but I simply cannot wait until the day that I genuinely love myself and learn to handle my relationships in a more logical and healthy manner. It's a scary feeling to act a certain way then later be hyper aware of the fact that I was being utterly crazy. That sense of loss of control is gut-wrenching.
Can I tell you how exhausted and defeated I feel? To have nothing in my life going the way I want it to, yet fighting with everything I have left in me to maintain my ground and not give in to an easy way out? I just want to feel peace, growth, and accomplishment. A flaw of mine is failing to acknowledge the little wins on a day to day basis. I'm always so focused on the future that I forget to live in the present sometimes. Though in the moments that I do, I feel lost and so detached from reality. I think I'm doing something wrong here, no? I can't seem to get a grip on my feelings. Sometimes I think I know what I'm feeling, but after I spend some time, such as now, analyzing my feelings, I seem to end up not actually feeling the way I originally thought I did. The fluctuation of my emotions seriously blows my mind sometimes. The biggest problem is that I only tend to feel like this when I'm in an unhealthy relationship. It literally makes me crazy. It's tormenting. I was raised to believe in nurturing relationships and working things out when something is wrong. But changes in our culture and society, particularly those revolving around dating and relationships, are saying that I should no longer believe that to some degree. There are too many people in this world to live in an unhappy relationship. Some things aren't meant to be fixed, they're meant to have enjoyed while it was good, and let go of when it no longer is. These conflicting ideas tear me apart. I have yet to really understand which of my relationships are toxic, and I have yet to learn how to let go of things gracefully. Unfortunately, I fear some of this stems from my environment. I am becoming a product of it and I don't like it. Some of it is in my control, of course. I could change the frequency in which I go to certain places, I could perhaps make better attempts to change my company, I could opt for other things to do. The problem is the ease and comfort in which those things come. They do say, after all, that until you get out of your comfort zone, things will never change. You have to do something different. The hard part is figuring out where to start and what's real and reasonable. An even more challenging part is learning to do this by myself. Many of my "friends" lead very different lives than I do. The majority of them are also younger, do not have careers or even career goals for that matter, do not have much money or unfortunately, ambition. They too, are a product of this environment and sadly, seem to be okay with that. It is also said that you are most like the people you spend the most time with and THAT I am not okay with. Not that I do not love those people, but they are not people I want to be like. Sure, their loyalty and wit are admirable, but in the long run, I want friends with positive outlooks and long term goals. Ones that support, inspire, and genuinely care.
I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been considering moving to Nashville every single day since I left. To live in a city, full of people with drive and ambition, keeping up with the hustle, staying active both mentally and physically is so appealing to me. Everyone I met was so welcoming and each had a variety of backgrounds and stories - unlike here where everyone is from here, no one leaves, and they are so tightly knit that breaking in takes years. My biggest qualm is leaving the beach..and of course, dating Billy again, which basically would be the main reason to have me move there. The problem with that is mainly that I'm still in love with Kyle, and also, our past left me pretty scarred. I do believe that both of us have changed and are more in tune with not only ourselves, but with our relationship wants and needs. I also think as we've both gotten older, have established ourselves in our careers, and have experienced new loves and losses, we've both learned some valuable lessons and gained new appreciation for things. I believe a lot of our failings in the past were due to selfishness. We were both going through hard times, just barely staying afloat, and we neglected each other in doing so. We make a great team, we always have, I just am unsure of our ability to compassionately love one another. Though, if I'm being honest, I don't know how much that matters. To have a relationship that's more like a business partnership than a romantic relationship sounds like it has far more potential for success. The whole idea is pretty scary though. I'm not having any gut reactions that I can sense - just an overall nervousness when I consider the thought. Much like when I go to an interview. It's that fear of change. Moving up there would place me in a committed relationship with essentially a stranger. Yes, I know we dated for nearly 3 years, but that was 3 years ago and we've both changed quite a bit since then. He was thoughtful, showed concern, and most importantly, openly discussed his feelings while I was there. Something I value very highly in a man. Or any person for that matter. It's not an easy thing to do, so I tend to have more respect for those who can.
I've recently been told that I focus too much of my energy on worrying about my love life. I never thought this was all that abnormal until lately. Learning to change my focus is going to be a long road for me, I fear. Especially at 30 when I also fear my time is running out and I'll never find someone who possesses all the qualities I desire and that I also connect with on an intellectual and emotional level. I'm literally obsessed. My mind becomes so fixated on it. I fantasize constantly. To the point where it sometimes interrupts my work day. Much like now...Ha. I dream of the day when I feel okay with being alone, doing things alone, enjoying myself, and only occasionally wondering if I'll ever find long-term happiness with another person.
I just have to remind myself to take things one day at a time, do not give up, stay focused, and reap the rewards of self-love - Shedding the negative stress I inflict on myself when constantly worrying about finding love, feeling freer, enjoying hobbies and interests I pushed to the wayside so many years ago, getting to go to events or do things without the need to have another person with me, and basically just feeling more positive about myself and my life. I'm starting to feel better already.
Well, for some fucked up reason, it did the exact opposite for me. Yes, it shed away that daily stress and some of the depression that my current job so graciously provides me, but instead of coming back refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to tackle life again, I just fell back into the pit I've been working so hard to climb out of over the last couple of months.
It's definitely time for a hiatus again. Disappear for a while to reset my mind and focus on myself. I know I'm just starting and I can't expect immediate results, but I simply cannot wait until the day that I genuinely love myself and learn to handle my relationships in a more logical and healthy manner. It's a scary feeling to act a certain way then later be hyper aware of the fact that I was being utterly crazy. That sense of loss of control is gut-wrenching.
Can I tell you how exhausted and defeated I feel? To have nothing in my life going the way I want it to, yet fighting with everything I have left in me to maintain my ground and not give in to an easy way out? I just want to feel peace, growth, and accomplishment. A flaw of mine is failing to acknowledge the little wins on a day to day basis. I'm always so focused on the future that I forget to live in the present sometimes. Though in the moments that I do, I feel lost and so detached from reality. I think I'm doing something wrong here, no? I can't seem to get a grip on my feelings. Sometimes I think I know what I'm feeling, but after I spend some time, such as now, analyzing my feelings, I seem to end up not actually feeling the way I originally thought I did. The fluctuation of my emotions seriously blows my mind sometimes. The biggest problem is that I only tend to feel like this when I'm in an unhealthy relationship. It literally makes me crazy. It's tormenting. I was raised to believe in nurturing relationships and working things out when something is wrong. But changes in our culture and society, particularly those revolving around dating and relationships, are saying that I should no longer believe that to some degree. There are too many people in this world to live in an unhappy relationship. Some things aren't meant to be fixed, they're meant to have enjoyed while it was good, and let go of when it no longer is. These conflicting ideas tear me apart. I have yet to really understand which of my relationships are toxic, and I have yet to learn how to let go of things gracefully. Unfortunately, I fear some of this stems from my environment. I am becoming a product of it and I don't like it. Some of it is in my control, of course. I could change the frequency in which I go to certain places, I could perhaps make better attempts to change my company, I could opt for other things to do. The problem is the ease and comfort in which those things come. They do say, after all, that until you get out of your comfort zone, things will never change. You have to do something different. The hard part is figuring out where to start and what's real and reasonable. An even more challenging part is learning to do this by myself. Many of my "friends" lead very different lives than I do. The majority of them are also younger, do not have careers or even career goals for that matter, do not have much money or unfortunately, ambition. They too, are a product of this environment and sadly, seem to be okay with that. It is also said that you are most like the people you spend the most time with and THAT I am not okay with. Not that I do not love those people, but they are not people I want to be like. Sure, their loyalty and wit are admirable, but in the long run, I want friends with positive outlooks and long term goals. Ones that support, inspire, and genuinely care.
I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been considering moving to Nashville every single day since I left. To live in a city, full of people with drive and ambition, keeping up with the hustle, staying active both mentally and physically is so appealing to me. Everyone I met was so welcoming and each had a variety of backgrounds and stories - unlike here where everyone is from here, no one leaves, and they are so tightly knit that breaking in takes years. My biggest qualm is leaving the beach..and of course, dating Billy again, which basically would be the main reason to have me move there. The problem with that is mainly that I'm still in love with Kyle, and also, our past left me pretty scarred. I do believe that both of us have changed and are more in tune with not only ourselves, but with our relationship wants and needs. I also think as we've both gotten older, have established ourselves in our careers, and have experienced new loves and losses, we've both learned some valuable lessons and gained new appreciation for things. I believe a lot of our failings in the past were due to selfishness. We were both going through hard times, just barely staying afloat, and we neglected each other in doing so. We make a great team, we always have, I just am unsure of our ability to compassionately love one another. Though, if I'm being honest, I don't know how much that matters. To have a relationship that's more like a business partnership than a romantic relationship sounds like it has far more potential for success. The whole idea is pretty scary though. I'm not having any gut reactions that I can sense - just an overall nervousness when I consider the thought. Much like when I go to an interview. It's that fear of change. Moving up there would place me in a committed relationship with essentially a stranger. Yes, I know we dated for nearly 3 years, but that was 3 years ago and we've both changed quite a bit since then. He was thoughtful, showed concern, and most importantly, openly discussed his feelings while I was there. Something I value very highly in a man. Or any person for that matter. It's not an easy thing to do, so I tend to have more respect for those who can.
I've recently been told that I focus too much of my energy on worrying about my love life. I never thought this was all that abnormal until lately. Learning to change my focus is going to be a long road for me, I fear. Especially at 30 when I also fear my time is running out and I'll never find someone who possesses all the qualities I desire and that I also connect with on an intellectual and emotional level. I'm literally obsessed. My mind becomes so fixated on it. I fantasize constantly. To the point where it sometimes interrupts my work day. Much like now...Ha. I dream of the day when I feel okay with being alone, doing things alone, enjoying myself, and only occasionally wondering if I'll ever find long-term happiness with another person.
I just have to remind myself to take things one day at a time, do not give up, stay focused, and reap the rewards of self-love - Shedding the negative stress I inflict on myself when constantly worrying about finding love, feeling freer, enjoying hobbies and interests I pushed to the wayside so many years ago, getting to go to events or do things without the need to have another person with me, and basically just feeling more positive about myself and my life. I'm starting to feel better already.