(no subject)
Where do I begin?
So much has changed. New job, new friends, new home, new heartbreaks.
It's been over 2 years since I last made a post. There are a million things on my mind. Let's see if I can sort this all out.
I woke up sad today. That doesn't happen often these days, I'm thankful to say. Most mornings, the sun coming over the ocean and light pouring into my room gives me much to be happy about. I find myself free again, and while it's lonely, I am enjoying this time discovering myself.
After 2 years of constant disappointment, fighting, and a huge lack of communication and understanding, the fun times stopped outweighing the bad times and he decided it was time to walk away. I know it's for the best. I knew deep down from the beginning that it would never last. It couldn't. We had different dreams, goals, and ideas of what makes a family and how one should function. Despite knowing all of that, I stuck around, far longer than I should have. Our lives became entwined and I fell fast. He is a simple man with a big heart. I wanted it to work. I stayed, hoping he might wake up, grow up, find something in himself and become the man I knew he was capable of being...but he never did. Nothing changed. And along the way, I grew to be unkind. I found myself speaking down to him, criticizing him. I felt so frustrated and hurt all the time, yet, I never found the courage to end things. I held on to that hope. So, even after all of that, why do I still feel so sad that he finally left? You'd think I'd be relieved. You'd think I'd be excited to focus on myself and not have a toxic relationship weighing me down. And over this past month we've gone without speaking, I've started to feel those things. Then I unexpectedly get a text from him last night, and the conversation broke me. I thought I was stronger, yet, I find myself in tears even writing this. Why was he so angry? Why did he feel the need to contact me? When did the conversation that prompted him to text me happen? I have so many questions and I'll never get answers.
I need to let go and stay focused. Since things ended about 5 months ago, I got my website redone, I've been actively searching for a new career opportunity, I've begun practicing yoga, I stopped drinking during the week, I've been playing tennis, I've read almost 2 books so far, so, I'd say overall things are going well. It took someone I met shortly after the breakup to destroy me. He hurt me in a way that no one ever has before. We were only together for 2 months, but those 2 months were the most amazing and enlightening experience. I was crushed when it ended, but I learned a lot about myself when it did, so I am grateful. I still have a long way to go, but I think I'm finally on a path to a far more positive and healthy lifestyle. Something I've longed for, but didn't know how to achieve until now. Something I'm taking on one day at a time.
The thing I struggle with most is my emotional instability. I seem to function much like someone who is codependent. I think it's safe to say that I am, in fact, codependent. I kind of always knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn't make sense of it until now. Now that I have an idea as to what may be wrong, I can finally grasp it and work to change it. As I begin to accept that I am single and am opening myself again to dating, I am really being put to the test here. I'm afraid, however, that I may already be fucking up.
I've allowed two things to happen that I believe I am handling like my old self would. The uneducated, unaware, version of myself. So, now that I know these things about me, the things that have allowed me to enter toxic relationships and stay in them for far too long, why am I doing this? How to I get a grip on myself and handle things the way I know they should be handled instead of letting my emotions take the reigns?
I've grown extremely close to someone at work. We've developed an emotional relationship, for lack of a better term. I am completely entranced by him, yet, I cannot be with him. I don't think I've ever felt this way about someone before. I don't even know how to explain it. It's an infatuation like no other I've experienced. Our relationship is painfully romantic. Emphasize the painful part. He is so young and lost and I am still a trainwreck. I am selfish and promiscuous and I have such a wild heart. There is a feast of guys around here, and I am hungry. So hungry.
But wait, there's more. I met this guy just over a year ago. We had an unplanned meeting, brought together by mutual friends, and ended up having a pretty wonderful night. Didn't think much of it though since I was in a relationship at the time. Fast forward to now. I have been running into him more and more over the last 6 months. Still didn't think much of it. We would occasionally share a dance, but it was, I thought, all in good fun. Well, good fun turned into something more last weekend. This is where my issues come into play. I don't think I want more, but if it continues, I will probably just fall into it. Not that he's not great, he really is, but I just don't have those feelings towards him. He also is divorced with a child. Not to mention lacks a college education. Oh, and also lives in Bunnell and drives a truck. Almost the complete opposite of everything I want. But he is handsome, and smart, and fun, and such a gentleman. What's a girl to do? Pursuing this would mean staying in Flagler. It would mean never living in a city. It would mean rethinking my dreams. I wouldn't have to give anything up, but in a way, it would mean settling. But how nice would it be to be with someone who is equally independent? Someone with manners, who doesn't believe chivalry is dead, who has good credit, is adventurous, still enjoys going out as much as I do. This is about the time my head and heart begin a war.
I think I'm going to go have a beer.
So much has changed. New job, new friends, new home, new heartbreaks.
It's been over 2 years since I last made a post. There are a million things on my mind. Let's see if I can sort this all out.
I woke up sad today. That doesn't happen often these days, I'm thankful to say. Most mornings, the sun coming over the ocean and light pouring into my room gives me much to be happy about. I find myself free again, and while it's lonely, I am enjoying this time discovering myself.
After 2 years of constant disappointment, fighting, and a huge lack of communication and understanding, the fun times stopped outweighing the bad times and he decided it was time to walk away. I know it's for the best. I knew deep down from the beginning that it would never last. It couldn't. We had different dreams, goals, and ideas of what makes a family and how one should function. Despite knowing all of that, I stuck around, far longer than I should have. Our lives became entwined and I fell fast. He is a simple man with a big heart. I wanted it to work. I stayed, hoping he might wake up, grow up, find something in himself and become the man I knew he was capable of being...but he never did. Nothing changed. And along the way, I grew to be unkind. I found myself speaking down to him, criticizing him. I felt so frustrated and hurt all the time, yet, I never found the courage to end things. I held on to that hope. So, even after all of that, why do I still feel so sad that he finally left? You'd think I'd be relieved. You'd think I'd be excited to focus on myself and not have a toxic relationship weighing me down. And over this past month we've gone without speaking, I've started to feel those things. Then I unexpectedly get a text from him last night, and the conversation broke me. I thought I was stronger, yet, I find myself in tears even writing this. Why was he so angry? Why did he feel the need to contact me? When did the conversation that prompted him to text me happen? I have so many questions and I'll never get answers.
I need to let go and stay focused. Since things ended about 5 months ago, I got my website redone, I've been actively searching for a new career opportunity, I've begun practicing yoga, I stopped drinking during the week, I've been playing tennis, I've read almost 2 books so far, so, I'd say overall things are going well. It took someone I met shortly after the breakup to destroy me. He hurt me in a way that no one ever has before. We were only together for 2 months, but those 2 months were the most amazing and enlightening experience. I was crushed when it ended, but I learned a lot about myself when it did, so I am grateful. I still have a long way to go, but I think I'm finally on a path to a far more positive and healthy lifestyle. Something I've longed for, but didn't know how to achieve until now. Something I'm taking on one day at a time.
The thing I struggle with most is my emotional instability. I seem to function much like someone who is codependent. I think it's safe to say that I am, in fact, codependent. I kind of always knew something was wrong with me, but I couldn't make sense of it until now. Now that I have an idea as to what may be wrong, I can finally grasp it and work to change it. As I begin to accept that I am single and am opening myself again to dating, I am really being put to the test here. I'm afraid, however, that I may already be fucking up.
I've allowed two things to happen that I believe I am handling like my old self would. The uneducated, unaware, version of myself. So, now that I know these things about me, the things that have allowed me to enter toxic relationships and stay in them for far too long, why am I doing this? How to I get a grip on myself and handle things the way I know they should be handled instead of letting my emotions take the reigns?
I've grown extremely close to someone at work. We've developed an emotional relationship, for lack of a better term. I am completely entranced by him, yet, I cannot be with him. I don't think I've ever felt this way about someone before. I don't even know how to explain it. It's an infatuation like no other I've experienced. Our relationship is painfully romantic. Emphasize the painful part. He is so young and lost and I am still a trainwreck. I am selfish and promiscuous and I have such a wild heart. There is a feast of guys around here, and I am hungry. So hungry.
But wait, there's more. I met this guy just over a year ago. We had an unplanned meeting, brought together by mutual friends, and ended up having a pretty wonderful night. Didn't think much of it though since I was in a relationship at the time. Fast forward to now. I have been running into him more and more over the last 6 months. Still didn't think much of it. We would occasionally share a dance, but it was, I thought, all in good fun. Well, good fun turned into something more last weekend. This is where my issues come into play. I don't think I want more, but if it continues, I will probably just fall into it. Not that he's not great, he really is, but I just don't have those feelings towards him. He also is divorced with a child. Not to mention lacks a college education. Oh, and also lives in Bunnell and drives a truck. Almost the complete opposite of everything I want. But he is handsome, and smart, and fun, and such a gentleman. What's a girl to do? Pursuing this would mean staying in Flagler. It would mean never living in a city. It would mean rethinking my dreams. I wouldn't have to give anything up, but in a way, it would mean settling. But how nice would it be to be with someone who is equally independent? Someone with manners, who doesn't believe chivalry is dead, who has good credit, is adventurous, still enjoys going out as much as I do. This is about the time my head and heart begin a war.
I think I'm going to go have a beer.