Another Month and FINALLY Another Update!

[candadotson2005]

Ok so I was looking at my past entries and other than the survey thing I did back in September that I got from a friend on LJ, its been over a month since I last wrote. I can tell that I either havent had the time to update or just simply havent felt like it. It's probably a combination of the two. Anyway, I have a little time on my hands this morning before my next class so I figured why not update, for those of you who read this thing anyway. I think that may be one of the reasons I stopped updating as much. Some of you might think its stupid and that its not the reason to have a journal and I agree (at least about the journal part) but I miss the feedback I used to get. Hardly anyone comments or offers advice on my entries anymore and I really miss that. Yes its good to get things off my chest, but its also good to know that people actually care about what I'm going through and that maybe I'm not alone, or even to hear reasons how to get through the hard times etc. I thought thats what friends were supposed to do. Anyway, enough about that. I guess people will read and comment if they want and otherwise oh well. I'm actually supposed to be in class right now. I dont know whats wrong with me. I just cant seem to get motivated this week. I missed class yesterday too. I think I am depressed. Alot of personal things have been going on with Chris and I and it feels like things are about to change, for the worst or even that they may already be changing and I'm just too stupid and in love to realize it. He came to visit this past weekend and we got into a fight on Sunday in which he told me that I needed to stop taking advantage of others and grow up. What he means is, to start doing more for myself as far as sweeping and mopping (which can hurt my back and make my cp worse). I do everything else except those two things and for the past two years they havent been a problem, but now all of a sudden they are. I just dont get it. I tried talking to him about how it made me feel and it just started another fight last night. He always seems to think I have an alterior motive for the things I do. If I call him just to say hi, he thinks I'm calling to check on him and make sure he isnt out with someone else. Its like he has something to hide. I've given him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth and over and over he SWEARS I am the ONLY one he is with and wants to be with. I want to believe him and my insecurities are the root of alot of our problems. I was/am trying to do better though my counseling sessions and medication, but sometimes its still hard. Its like we both made a promise to change for the better but I am the only one keeping that promise. He even said on Sunday that if I was going to keep accusing him of being with someone else that he might as well go find someone else. While he claims he said this out of spite, I dont know how I am ever supposed to trust him again with a comment like that. It really cut deep. Besides Chris, I am depressed and sick of school. I dont feel that I am cut out to be here anymore. I hate sitting in classes all day and the workload is ridiculous. This past weekend was the first time I've had any time to myself really since school started and I'm back in full swing already. This coming weekend (actually on Thursday) is Chris and mine 2yr anniversary! He is coming back up to stay the weekend on Friday so we can celebrate. The only problem with this is again, my insecurities and also that I have a Brain and Behavior Psych Midterm on the following Monday that might as well be considered a final with all the info that is gonna be on there. I have made a study plan though to study from today until Friday when Chris gets here then to put it down for Saturday/Sunday and then to study again on Monday since I have an 8hr break between my two classes on Monday. I also have a Literature test on Thursday of this week so I am hoping things will work out the way I want them too. As I mentioned, I dont feel that I am cut out for school anymore. I am just trying to grin and bear it so I can graduate (hopefully in May of 2007) and get a decent job so that Chris and I can start our life together. I was happier over the summer when I was going to work every day. I like the idea of having a house and someone to do things for and take care of. I also love working in the pharmacy and helping people so maybe that has alot to do with it. I dont know. I dont know whats wrong with me lately. I dont know why I feel this way or why I am missing classes but I know I need to get my ass in gear if I want to do well and get out of here on time, which I do. I have been taking my meds and going to my counseling sessions and they are helping but they can only do so much. I just want things between Chris and I to be ok and I'm not sure that they are anymore. I'm not sure I deserve the way he treats me anymore but there is a part of me I guess that feels like I do deserve it. Otherwise I wouldnt hold on. Besides the fact that we have invested 2 years together and I DO love him. I guess we'll see. I just hope I am not being played for a fool. Anyway, I guess thats all for now. I need to get started studying for my two tests and hope that my day gets better. Tonight is BCM (our church thing on campus) and while I am depressed and really dont want to be around anyone, I think I am gonna go. I need prayer and maybe it will open my eyes to alot. I havent missed one yet this semester so why start now. I am even thinking of being saved again but that in itself is a complicated journey I am trying to figure out. Hope you all are doing well. Thank you to those of you who do read and actually care. I want you to know that even though I may not update or comment alot, I still read your entries. Until next time......

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