(no subject)
It's been a while, I haven't been using this blog as a documentation blog in a while because I've been posting pretty regular short thoughts and updates on tumblr which makes things easier to get out and makes me feel less inclined to really think too deeply about anything. I unpack stuff in mouthfuls of posts and there was not much to really vent about here.
Yesterday I had a dance performance and while I had hoped it would be able to show my growth and development in a year, I think it really did? It was my first performance in front of an audience this year and I had went over what I was doing for my set at least several times for the few days leading up to it and I practiced in front of a mirror which helped somewhat I think? I took a shot to take off the nerves beforehand and even though I got nervous as I went up, I just kept dancing even though I missed a few cues. Usually if I am early/late for a cue, I get flustered and then feel like I literally stop to access and everyone can see the pause and resume. But I feel like yesterday it felt very fluid to me even when I messed up and I'm still afraid to watch myself to evaluate and improve but I want to keep that positive feeling because I feel like at the beginning of the year and in the middle of the quarter, I felt like I had hit a wall regarding dance and even considered dropping it to take a break but I'm really glad I didn't. A friend of mine who is more intense about dance - and I shamelessly solicited comments from him - said of his own accord he thought he saw improvements so I'm happy about that.
Afterwards, I went out to 3 Dots and a Dash for a belated birthday celebration for one of my roommates and we started off with this gin boat drink thing and I had been drinking a little before and I didn't think it really hit me or I didn't feel that affected by it, but in retrospect, speaking about the things we did and loudly, I think it hit me more than I thought. I was seriously wondering what we would all have to talk about, but I think we all talked and laughed about a lot of things so it was really fun.
We went to another bar close by afterwards because a friend of mine, S, had her birthday celebration there and it was just full of actual adults. Some graduate friends of hers were there and caught me off guard because I had anticipated seeing some familiar faces but I think we were the only undergrads around which made it a little weird. One of her guy friends started talking to me, in retrospect to make conversation because I got some vibes he was just going through the motions and asking a lot of typical college generic get-to-know-you questions, but for some reason I felt on edge and careful even though he hadn't done anything particularly questionable to suggest he was trying to pick me up. He asked if I wanted a drink and I said no because I thought accepting would mean I was committing to something - at least continuing a conversation after he had eased himself out of conversation to get a drink - and regretted missing out on a free drink but I guess now that I think about it, it was a good call.
Then we went to the huge, overpriced McDonalds and I ate two sandwiches after I had dropped one and felt a little disgusting afterwards but I'm up early now and I don't feel as shitty so I'm hoping it worked.
There's this girl in my dance group that I had briefly contemplated putting forth energy to have a crush on and voiced this thought on tumblr and now some friends in the dance group and my roommates who read my blog are now pushing this narrative on me as if I had said directly I felt feelings for this girl, which I haven't really. It's really strange.
Yesterday I had a dance performance and while I had hoped it would be able to show my growth and development in a year, I think it really did? It was my first performance in front of an audience this year and I had went over what I was doing for my set at least several times for the few days leading up to it and I practiced in front of a mirror which helped somewhat I think? I took a shot to take off the nerves beforehand and even though I got nervous as I went up, I just kept dancing even though I missed a few cues. Usually if I am early/late for a cue, I get flustered and then feel like I literally stop to access and everyone can see the pause and resume. But I feel like yesterday it felt very fluid to me even when I messed up and I'm still afraid to watch myself to evaluate and improve but I want to keep that positive feeling because I feel like at the beginning of the year and in the middle of the quarter, I felt like I had hit a wall regarding dance and even considered dropping it to take a break but I'm really glad I didn't. A friend of mine who is more intense about dance - and I shamelessly solicited comments from him - said of his own accord he thought he saw improvements so I'm happy about that.
Afterwards, I went out to 3 Dots and a Dash for a belated birthday celebration for one of my roommates and we started off with this gin boat drink thing and I had been drinking a little before and I didn't think it really hit me or I didn't feel that affected by it, but in retrospect, speaking about the things we did and loudly, I think it hit me more than I thought. I was seriously wondering what we would all have to talk about, but I think we all talked and laughed about a lot of things so it was really fun.
We went to another bar close by afterwards because a friend of mine, S, had her birthday celebration there and it was just full of actual adults. Some graduate friends of hers were there and caught me off guard because I had anticipated seeing some familiar faces but I think we were the only undergrads around which made it a little weird. One of her guy friends started talking to me, in retrospect to make conversation because I got some vibes he was just going through the motions and asking a lot of typical college generic get-to-know-you questions, but for some reason I felt on edge and careful even though he hadn't done anything particularly questionable to suggest he was trying to pick me up. He asked if I wanted a drink and I said no because I thought accepting would mean I was committing to something - at least continuing a conversation after he had eased himself out of conversation to get a drink - and regretted missing out on a free drink but I guess now that I think about it, it was a good call.
Then we went to the huge, overpriced McDonalds and I ate two sandwiches after I had dropped one and felt a little disgusting afterwards but I'm up early now and I don't feel as shitty so I'm hoping it worked.
There's this girl in my dance group that I had briefly contemplated putting forth energy to have a crush on and voiced this thought on tumblr and now some friends in the dance group and my roommates who read my blog are now pushing this narrative on me as if I had said directly I felt feelings for this girl, which I haven't really. It's really strange.