no need to say goodbye, you'll come back when they call you
Epic entry will be epic! Consider yourself warned.
So my trip started on Tuesday the 27th, when I drove down to Jersey. Google maps had given me a different route to take than the one I've always taken, and since it claimed to be both shorter distance and less time, I decided to try it out. The drive ended up taking me about 11 hours, which is about 2 hours longer than usual, but I blame that more on the rain (people driving slow, lots of spray on the highway, etc.) and on hitting rush hour traffic around Philly than on the route itself. After getting slightly lost in Deptford, I did eventually make it to Jenn's house, where she and Andrew kindly provided me with pizza and an air mattress to sleep on for the night. Mmm Jersey pizza. There's nothing quite like it anywhere else, and I have missed it.
For this trip, I opted to check out a couple of audiobooks from the library and try listening to them on the drive. On the way down, I listened to Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book, which I really enjoyed. It helped, I think, that Gaiman himself was narrating. Can't go wrong with a good British author, right? But I liked the story itself, too, and it was a good way to keep my attention for most of the drive. There were a couple parts where the cds skipped, which was annoying, but I never missed so much of the story that I couldn't follow along or anything. And there were a few points where I felt as if I'd missed a few details, because I'd been paying more attention to the road, but I feel like that happens when I read anyway, so not really a big deal. On the drive home, I listened to Cornelia Funke's Inkheart, or maybe a little less than half of it. This one I'm not enjoying as much, and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't know if it's because I've seen the movie, and so I already know the story and don't need to pay as much attention, or if it's that I don't like the narrator as much (it's read by Lynn Redgrave, I think), or just that the pace of the story makes it harder to enjoy as an audiobook. I actually turned it off at one point on my drive, and switched to listening to music, because I just couldn't deal with the audiobook anymore. So I'm going to try to finish it on my daily commutes this week, and maybe I'll be able to figure out why this one didn't work as well for me as the other one.
So after crashing on Jenn's air mattress the night I got down, I took the PATCO into Philly on Wednesday morning to hang out with my sister, since she was off from work. We went into Green Eggs, the restaurant she waitresses at, for a delicious lunch; I got the stuffed French toast, and omg, so yummy. I think pretty much everything I've ever had there has been delicious, so their chefs definitely know what they're doing. After that, we picked up a few groceries and things, then hung out at her apartment watching movies and playing with her new Wii. (I am impressed that spell check recognizes wii as a word. But apparently only if it's capitalized.) That night Green Eggs staff were going out to celebrate the restaurant's two year anniversary, and Kira invited me to come with them. I went to the first bar with them and had a drink, but since I hardly drink anymore and I'm usually in bed by 10:30, I knew there was no way I'd be staying there all night. Kira paid for me to take a cab back to her place so I could go to sleep, and she stayed out for a few more hours.
This is where things start to get interesting. Around 11:30 pm, after I'd gotten back to Kira's, I got a text from an 856 number I didn't recognize, saying the sender had heard I was in town and wanted to see me while I was there. "Sorry, who is this?" "It's Mom." (my stepmom, Susan) Oh. I was really surprised to get that text message, because I hadn't heard from her at all in two years, but I said okay and asked her to email me since it cost me money to use my phone while I was in the States. I said I was heading to bed, but I'd check my email in the morning so we could work something out. The next morning, Susan hadn't emailed me yet, but there was another email, this one from my father, saying that he'd heard I was in town and wanted to know if I wanted to have lunch with him and Kira. Commence minor freak out on my part, along with thoughts like "anyone else want to crawl out of the woodwork and contact me this week? seriously?!" I was pretty anxious about meeting with my father, and didn't entirely want to, but I figured I would give him a chance to say what he had to say and see what happened. I suggested meeting without Kira, as we had a lot to talk about if we were going to see each other, and we planned on meeting at Starbucks Friday morning. (Susan did later email me, and we made plans to meet on Saturday morning.)
Thursday was pretty low key. Kira and I went to Target for a bit, but she wasn't feeling well, so we ended up going back to her apartment so she could nap. When she woke up, she took me to dinner at Stateside, the other restaurant owned by the owners of Green Eggs. There was more movie watching, and attempts to play Super Mario Brothers on the Wii, where we discovered we both suck. I was kind of nervous about my meeting with my father the next morning, but I tried not to think about it too much.
So Friday morning, I went back to South Jersey, collected my car from the PATCO station (not snowed in this time, thankfully!), and headed to Starbucks early so I could do some stuff on my laptop before my father got there. Suuuuuuuper anxious at that point, like knot in my stomach, the whole thing. But, after some initial tears on my part when I first started talking about how hurt I'd been by his actions, I think the conversation actually went really well. I was able to say the things I'd been needing to say to him, and more importantly, he actually listened to them. He apologized for his behaviour, which is kind of huge for him, and we were able to set some ground rules for moving forward. Namely, if he wants to call himself my father and tell me he loves me, then that's for life; he doesn't get to just cut me out and walk away because I piss him off. I told him that I need to know he's in this for the long haul and not just when it's convenient/when it suits him, because I can't take the emotional upheaval of going back and forth between having a dad and him not wanting me in his life. We also established the fact that we need to be able to take a step back from an argument, and discuss things later when we're calmer and not as angry, something we've never been good at doing with each other. So overall, I think it was a productive conversation and I felt a lot better about the situation after it was over. I'm still a bit wary, because I think the true test will come when something happens that pisses him off again, or causes us to fight; will he be able to stick to the things he's promised then? But in the meantime, I'm cautiously optimistic about things, which is a nice change from the intense anger I've had towards him for a long time now. I realize that a lot of that anger was because I didn't feel like I'd ever get the chance to express my hurt and have him listen to me about it, but the fact that we were able to do those things really meant a lot.
My conversation with Susan on Saturday was different, for several reasons, but I think primarily because I had no intense feelings toward her or the situation. I didn't specifically want something to come from that meeting, and wasn't particularly invested in any one outcome. We talked about her reasons for being absent for these last two years, and while I don't necessarily agree with them, I can somewhat understand where she was coming from. Honestly, I didn't really care what her reasons were. I know this will probably sound strange, or hard to understand, but once it became clear to me that she wasn't interested or capable of being the mom she kept claiming she wanted to be, I stopped caring about her in that capacity. Yes, she more or less raised me, but our relationship had been rocky for awhile prior to their separation, and by the time she disappeared from my life, it didn't feel like a huge loss. Which meant that in this conversation with her, I had no expectations. And I was honest with her about the fact that I'm kind of done with moms, that I can't really put myself out there as a daughter for yet another woman to walk away from me. I just don't have it in me. She was understanding about that, and I don't think she has any expectations of me at this point either. Which could be a negative way to start a relationship, I guess, but I see it more as we're just kind of starting from scratch here. We were also both agreed on relationships needing to be meaningful, and it not being worth putting energy into something superficial. So I said that we could try to be friends from here out, and I think we'll just see where things go.
Family drama out of the way, the rest of my trip was pretty enjoyable. Thursday I went up to Princeton to have lunch with Georginia, a friend from grad school. We went to an all-you-can-eat sushi place and then walked around Nassau Street for a bit. I picked up another Ugly Doll at a little store called Morning Glory, which made me happy. We also went to Twist, which, while delicious, felt a little weird and wrong without Kristian there. I then went back down to South Jersey, and helped Alison and Ken move stuff into their new place. We had more yummy Jersey pizza for dinner, and got ice cream from Wawa before playing a little Cards Against Humanity. It was good times. Saturday, New Year's Eve, I went back into Philly after my conversation with Susan, this time to hang out with Sarah. We ran a couple errands to pick up a few things for the dinner party we were going to later that night, and also made a stop at Loop, where I bought a skein of pretty yarn that I think I'm going to attempt socks with at some point. We then went to the dinner party she'd been invited to, and had a good time eating and chatting with the other guests.
After the party, Sarah and I headed down to Penn's Landing for the fireworks. Because we were on foot, we were able to get a great spot close to the water without worrying about the traffic. The fireworks were excellent and made me all happy and emotional, as always. I called Brad at midnight to wish him a Happy New Year and tell him I love him, since I wasn't there to give him a kiss. Then, Sarah and I had an adventure getting home. We'd decided to take a cab back, and ended up in one of the minivan cabs. However, the door wouldn't shut! When we told the cab driver, he first told us that we must be too drunk (we'd each had one drink several hours earlier at the party, clearly not drunk), and then kept saying it was shut, even though we could clearly see the street whizzing by. Sarah, who was sitting on that side, basically had to hold the door semi-shut the whole ride. And at first the driver said that after he dropped us off he was going to take it straight to a mechanic. However, a few minutes later he said he wasn't sure if he should go to a mechanic or keep trying to make money since it was New Year's! I definitely hope no actual drunk people ended up in his cab that night, because they probably would've fallen out of it.
Anyway, we did make it safely back to Sarah's, where we watched Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve and toasted with Asti. We both agreed that Dick Clark is kind of sad and depressing at this point, especially since he was unable to keep up with the countdown, and it's a shame that this is how people are going to remember him now. We got to sleep around 2, and then were woken up around 7 on New Year's Day by her neighbor blasting music at top volume. Normally, this would be very annoying, and it was that day too, except that the first song I heard/recognized was Modest Mouse - Float On. And I figured that the whole idea of "even if things get heavy, we'll all float on all right" was actually a pretty good motto to start a new year with, so I didn't stay irritated for very long. Sarah and I went and watched some of the Mummers Parade before meeting my dad and Candice (his girlfriend) for a late lunch at Green Eggs, since Kira was working. Apparently, one conversation with me after not talking for about a year and a half was enough time for my dad to ask me when I was going to start spitting out grandkids. Mmhmm. I told him that we're waiting until Brad is working, too, because I'm not having kids on one income. He said it was good that I was being financially responsible and all, but he wasn't getting any younger. I told him to get Brad a job, then we'll talk. :p
I would like to take a moment to say that if you're still hanging in there and reading this, you deserve a cookie. If you make it all the way through the rest of the entry, you are clearly an amazing friend. :D I just figured I'd start it now that I'm only 80 entries back on my friends page, instead of over 200 like I was earlier, and now that I've started, I'm on a roll, so the writing is going to continue. Woooo epic lj entries! I will put the rest behind cuts so you can decide what you want to read about.
So, my trip continued! Monday the 2nd, Sarah was nice enough to drive me back to Jersey, where I collected my car from the PATCO station and drove it to the bus station in Mount Laurel. I took the bus down to Silver Spring to meet up with Kelly, who I hadn't seen since the wedding! We got lunch at Potbelly's, which I feel is somewhat of a tradition when I go to visit her, then picked up a few things at Whole Foods before going back to chill at her apartment. We chatted and watched tv and shared funny internet things with each other, then she made a yummy mac and cheese with bacon for dinner. Dinner was followed by the consumption of raw cookie dough and the watching of fun movies, like The Princess Bride. The next day, Kelly dropped me off at the metro, and I went into DC to hang out with people at Dupont Circle. I met up with Rachel and Christine for lunch at Pizzeria Paradiso, and it was really good to see them both. I hadn't seen Rachel since I visited her in South Carolina on my way down to Florida, which was almost 3 years ago, and I hadn't seen Christine since the last time I was in Nova for New Year's, which was 5 years ago!! Crazy!
The three of us had a tasty lunch, followed by browsing a secondhand bookstore and a brief stop at a local yarn store before they had to leave. Then I met up with Peter at my favorite DC bookstore to catch up. Peter's another one I hadn't seen in 5 years! It's a little ridiculous. We had a nice chat before he headed on to other plans, and I wandered Dupont Circle for a bit before giving in to the cold and chilling at Starbucks until it was time to meet Niki for dinner. We ate at this little Asian place called Shophouse, and then had a little adventure trying to find dessert that wasn't frozen. After attempting to go to Hello Cupcake only to find they'd already closed, we decided that s'mores from Cosi were the perfect option. So tasty! I took the metro back into Silver Spring, and Kelly and I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, which was fun. Wednesday we just chilled at her place again, brought back lunch from Quizno's and ate it while watching the first Pirates of the Caribbean, before she took me back to the bus station to catch my bus. Annoyingly, I had a two hour layover in Baltimore, where the only food options were vending machines, and I had no small change. :-/
Anyway, I made it back to Jersey without incident, and stopped at Wawa on my way to Amy's house. This was apparently unnecessary, as Amy's mom made me a plate of food when I got there, which was very nice of her considering it was close to 10 pm. Amy and I had an awesome time on Thursday, wandering around Wegmans and Target, where I spent tons of money, as you would expect. At Wegmans, I picked up approximately a billion (read: six) boxes of cereal that I can't get here in Canada, as well as a couple little things like Velveeta (which I can get here, but is much cheaper in the States) and Asian Helper. Target was just a goldmine of good stuff: I got a really cute tote bag for $2.50, some fun-looking ice trays from the dollar spot, two cute bras that were $17 TOGETHER, two pairs of fun undies, a set of jersey sheets, a couple adorable onesies for Becca's baby, annnnd . . . that might be it. But! The really exciting (in a totally nerdy way) thing is that I found a wheeled suitcase to use for work! I've been wanting one for a while, because I always end up carrying around all these heavy bags, and having something with wheels would make everything so much easier. The bag was $100, but I can get reimbursed for it from work, which is great. I'm seriously looking forward to going in to work tomorrow, just because I get to start using this bag, haha.
Speaking of cool new things that I acquired, I forgot to mention that Kira gave me a few Christmas presents while I was at her place, including . . . a Kindle!! I'm super excited about it. It was actually her "old" one, which she got as a present last year. But she decided to buy herself a new one, and gave me the old one. I do not care at all that it's a year old, because it still works perfectly fine, and it's the kind of thing I probably never would have gotten around to buying for myself. I'm psyched that it can read pdfs, because I'm totally going to put knitting patterns on it, and, as a bonus, all of Kira's books are still on it even though they were supposed to have disappeared when she deregistered it! Win for me!
My trip ended on a good note. After my Wegmans and Target shopping sprees, I picked up a dozen good, fresh Jersey bagels to take home with me. Amy and I picked Kira up and we had lunch at Cosi, stopped at the mall so Kira could spend a gift card, then went to the movies to see Young Adult. (Absolutely terrible, btw. Don't waste your time or money.) Then I had an end-of-trip gathering at the Pop Shop with Jenn, Brian, Amy, Kira and Sarah, which was lots of fun. I got my grilled cheese on a pretzel, as well as a second one to eat in the car on the way home the next day. The drive home was uneventful for the most part, although I did have a spell of doubting my google maps directions, which was quickly resolved. I made good time, and had absolutely no wait at the border, which almost never happens. However, I nearly had a heart attack when the border guard sent me to "check in with Immigration". Fortunately, I barely had time to think "seriously? I cannot handle this again" before I was sent on my way. The immigration official simply removed my old work permits from my passport and told me I was good to go, which was a huge relief. And then I was home! It always feels really good to be back home after a trip away, and Brad and I have had some good times together since I got back, just cuddling and watching movies and sexytimes and stuff. I did have mountains of laundry to do, and had a headache all day yesterday, but that's all minor stuff. Brad made a good stir fry for dinner last night, and we watched 127 Hours, which was kind of graphic/disturbing at the end. I had to not watch for part of it, but even without seeing it, the imagery has kind of stuck in my head. Will have to watch lots of Glee episodes to get rid of it, haha.
Look at that! You made it through my ridiculously long entry! Now, you can have something light and fluffy as a reward, my year-in-review survey! :)
what did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
-stayed in the same apartment for a second year (I had never done this as an adult before)
-applied to become a permanent resident of Canada
-adopted a kitten from a shelter
-drove to Michigan
-got turned away from the border
-listened to an audiobook
-celebrated a first anniversary of marriage
-traded in a car and bought a brand new one
did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think I actually did a decent job of keeping my resolutions, which, if I recall correctly, were to make new friends and be more social. I have a handful of new LJ friends who I didn't know before this time last year, and I feel like I have more of a social circle here in Toronto, too. I haven't made any for this year yet, and don't know if I will. We'll see if I get inspired.
did anyone close to you give birth?
Becca! And I get to go see her and baby Tessa next weekend! I'm really excited. :D
did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.
what countries did you visit?
I think I set a personal record for least amount of time spent in the US in 2011, about 15 days altogether.
what would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Permanent resident status in Canada. A job for Brad. A puppy. Mayyyyyyybe a pregnancy? That one will depend on circumstances. Definitely, I would like a place to live that does not include leaky ceilings, rude neighbors, and an unresponsive landlord.
what was your biggest achievement of the year?
Submitting my PR application? There was a hell of a lot of work that went into that. Brad says getting my new car counts as an achievement too.
what was your biggest failure?
I don't know. Maybe still not managing to start a savings account? But really, I think I did the best I could given our circumstances on that one. I don't really feel like I failed spectacularly at anything.
what was the best thing you bought?
My new car, for sure. I love that car.
whose behavior merited celebration?
Brad's, always. He keeps me sane, helps me through my stress, makes me laugh. Jordan and Sue, for their help this summer.
whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Up until the last week of the year, my father's refusal to reach out and make amends for things was pretty appalling. Besides that, though, I don't know. My landlord's?
where did most of your money go?
Rent. Car insurance. Gas, groceries. Nothing fun. :-/
what did you get really, really, really excited about?
My knitting group, and various projects I made. My new car. Becca's baby. You know what, I can't think of something that I was REALLY excited about this year. Maybe I'm just not remembering enough, but I think that speaks to my need to spend less time being stressed. Possible resolution for 2012, maybe?
what song will always remind you of 2011?
I have to agree with Jess and say any of the few Adele songs that were played a gazillion times this year. Besides that, the new Anna Nalick songs, Death Cab's Your Heart is a Tourist, Mumford & Sons - The Cave, Coldplay - Every Tear is a Waterfall. Oh, and that Rihanna song - We Found Love in a Hopeless Place.
compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? probably the same, if not happier.
thinner or fatter? again, I think the same.
richer or poorer? maybe slightly richer? but probably about the same.
what do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading, taking time to relax, spending quality time with Brad and/or my friends.
what do you wish you'd done less of?
Being stressed, worrying about money. It always works out somehow.
how will you be spending Christmas?
We had a very low key Christmas, just the two of us, exchanging presents and playing with them, taco salad for dinner. It was nice and relaxing and I appreciated it.
did you fall in love in 2011?
I continued to be in love with Brad. He gives me more reasons to love him all the time.
How many one-night stands?
None.
what were your favorite TV programs?
I still watch Glee, though it's not quite as good as I'd hoped this season. I think my favorite new show is Once Upon a Time. Canada's Worst Driver was enjoyable as always, too.
do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah.
what was the best book you read?
Mmm, The Way the Crow Flies, by Anne-Marie MacDonald, was amazing. Ooh, and Oryx and Crake and The Year of the Flood were fantastic, too.
what was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh, I got so much new music this year! The new Anna Nalick was awesome, and Death Cab's Codes and Keys is pretty good. Darren Hayes' new album, Secret Codes and Battleships, is fantastic, too.
what did you want and get?
A new car, to submit my PR application, another cat, lots of little things.
What did you want and not get?
A puppy. A way to make money over the summer.
what were your favorite films of this year?
Hmmm, what did I see this year? 50/50 was really good, I really liked that one. The new Muppet movie was cute and fun. Can't really remember what else I've seen.
what did you do on your birthday?
Brad and I went to dinner the night before and had a great meal at a good Italian place. Then the day after, I went to Snakes & Lattes with a bunch of my girls, and it was a really good time. Definitely a fun birthday.
how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
I think I made slightly more of an effort to dress like a grown up. I got more "professional" work pants and things like that. But mostly, I'd say slightly dressy business casual for work, and jeans or pajamas on the weekends.
what kept you sane?
Brad. Hours-long conversations on the phone with Kristian. Knitting and reading. My knitting group. Sue and Janet at work.
which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I really wanted Dianna Agron's hair cut. And Ryan Gosling remained really hot. I think that's probably about it.
what political issue stirred you the most?
Locally, Rob Ford being a douche and cutting funding for things like libraries. In the States, all the various attacks on reproductive choice and women's rights.
who did you miss?
Everyone who's not local. Meaning, most of my friends.
who was the best new person you met?
No lie, everyone in my knitting group. Those girls are really funny and I have such a good time whenever I see them. I'm really glad Kim told me about the group.
tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
I think I'm still learning this one, but actually the Modest Mouse song kind of sums it up: We'll all float on okay. I'm still working on applying this in practice, but I am learning that stressing out about things isn't really going to help anything, and things are all going to work out in the end.
quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Hmmm. I was going to go with Ingrid again, but since I just used her lyric last year, I'll pick Snow Patrol: "there's joy not far from here, I know there is", either that or Anna Nalick: "why didn't anybody tell you that it ain't easy, life don't imitate reality tv."
So my trip started on Tuesday the 27th, when I drove down to Jersey. Google maps had given me a different route to take than the one I've always taken, and since it claimed to be both shorter distance and less time, I decided to try it out. The drive ended up taking me about 11 hours, which is about 2 hours longer than usual, but I blame that more on the rain (people driving slow, lots of spray on the highway, etc.) and on hitting rush hour traffic around Philly than on the route itself. After getting slightly lost in Deptford, I did eventually make it to Jenn's house, where she and Andrew kindly provided me with pizza and an air mattress to sleep on for the night. Mmm Jersey pizza. There's nothing quite like it anywhere else, and I have missed it.
For this trip, I opted to check out a couple of audiobooks from the library and try listening to them on the drive. On the way down, I listened to Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book, which I really enjoyed. It helped, I think, that Gaiman himself was narrating. Can't go wrong with a good British author, right? But I liked the story itself, too, and it was a good way to keep my attention for most of the drive. There were a couple parts where the cds skipped, which was annoying, but I never missed so much of the story that I couldn't follow along or anything. And there were a few points where I felt as if I'd missed a few details, because I'd been paying more attention to the road, but I feel like that happens when I read anyway, so not really a big deal. On the drive home, I listened to Cornelia Funke's Inkheart, or maybe a little less than half of it. This one I'm not enjoying as much, and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't know if it's because I've seen the movie, and so I already know the story and don't need to pay as much attention, or if it's that I don't like the narrator as much (it's read by Lynn Redgrave, I think), or just that the pace of the story makes it harder to enjoy as an audiobook. I actually turned it off at one point on my drive, and switched to listening to music, because I just couldn't deal with the audiobook anymore. So I'm going to try to finish it on my daily commutes this week, and maybe I'll be able to figure out why this one didn't work as well for me as the other one.
So after crashing on Jenn's air mattress the night I got down, I took the PATCO into Philly on Wednesday morning to hang out with my sister, since she was off from work. We went into Green Eggs, the restaurant she waitresses at, for a delicious lunch; I got the stuffed French toast, and omg, so yummy. I think pretty much everything I've ever had there has been delicious, so their chefs definitely know what they're doing. After that, we picked up a few groceries and things, then hung out at her apartment watching movies and playing with her new Wii. (I am impressed that spell check recognizes wii as a word. But apparently only if it's capitalized.) That night Green Eggs staff were going out to celebrate the restaurant's two year anniversary, and Kira invited me to come with them. I went to the first bar with them and had a drink, but since I hardly drink anymore and I'm usually in bed by 10:30, I knew there was no way I'd be staying there all night. Kira paid for me to take a cab back to her place so I could go to sleep, and she stayed out for a few more hours.
This is where things start to get interesting. Around 11:30 pm, after I'd gotten back to Kira's, I got a text from an 856 number I didn't recognize, saying the sender had heard I was in town and wanted to see me while I was there. "Sorry, who is this?" "It's Mom." (my stepmom, Susan) Oh. I was really surprised to get that text message, because I hadn't heard from her at all in two years, but I said okay and asked her to email me since it cost me money to use my phone while I was in the States. I said I was heading to bed, but I'd check my email in the morning so we could work something out. The next morning, Susan hadn't emailed me yet, but there was another email, this one from my father, saying that he'd heard I was in town and wanted to know if I wanted to have lunch with him and Kira. Commence minor freak out on my part, along with thoughts like "anyone else want to crawl out of the woodwork and contact me this week? seriously?!" I was pretty anxious about meeting with my father, and didn't entirely want to, but I figured I would give him a chance to say what he had to say and see what happened. I suggested meeting without Kira, as we had a lot to talk about if we were going to see each other, and we planned on meeting at Starbucks Friday morning. (Susan did later email me, and we made plans to meet on Saturday morning.)
Thursday was pretty low key. Kira and I went to Target for a bit, but she wasn't feeling well, so we ended up going back to her apartment so she could nap. When she woke up, she took me to dinner at Stateside, the other restaurant owned by the owners of Green Eggs. There was more movie watching, and attempts to play Super Mario Brothers on the Wii, where we discovered we both suck. I was kind of nervous about my meeting with my father the next morning, but I tried not to think about it too much.
So Friday morning, I went back to South Jersey, collected my car from the PATCO station (not snowed in this time, thankfully!), and headed to Starbucks early so I could do some stuff on my laptop before my father got there. Suuuuuuuper anxious at that point, like knot in my stomach, the whole thing. But, after some initial tears on my part when I first started talking about how hurt I'd been by his actions, I think the conversation actually went really well. I was able to say the things I'd been needing to say to him, and more importantly, he actually listened to them. He apologized for his behaviour, which is kind of huge for him, and we were able to set some ground rules for moving forward. Namely, if he wants to call himself my father and tell me he loves me, then that's for life; he doesn't get to just cut me out and walk away because I piss him off. I told him that I need to know he's in this for the long haul and not just when it's convenient/when it suits him, because I can't take the emotional upheaval of going back and forth between having a dad and him not wanting me in his life. We also established the fact that we need to be able to take a step back from an argument, and discuss things later when we're calmer and not as angry, something we've never been good at doing with each other. So overall, I think it was a productive conversation and I felt a lot better about the situation after it was over. I'm still a bit wary, because I think the true test will come when something happens that pisses him off again, or causes us to fight; will he be able to stick to the things he's promised then? But in the meantime, I'm cautiously optimistic about things, which is a nice change from the intense anger I've had towards him for a long time now. I realize that a lot of that anger was because I didn't feel like I'd ever get the chance to express my hurt and have him listen to me about it, but the fact that we were able to do those things really meant a lot.
My conversation with Susan on Saturday was different, for several reasons, but I think primarily because I had no intense feelings toward her or the situation. I didn't specifically want something to come from that meeting, and wasn't particularly invested in any one outcome. We talked about her reasons for being absent for these last two years, and while I don't necessarily agree with them, I can somewhat understand where she was coming from. Honestly, I didn't really care what her reasons were. I know this will probably sound strange, or hard to understand, but once it became clear to me that she wasn't interested or capable of being the mom she kept claiming she wanted to be, I stopped caring about her in that capacity. Yes, she more or less raised me, but our relationship had been rocky for awhile prior to their separation, and by the time she disappeared from my life, it didn't feel like a huge loss. Which meant that in this conversation with her, I had no expectations. And I was honest with her about the fact that I'm kind of done with moms, that I can't really put myself out there as a daughter for yet another woman to walk away from me. I just don't have it in me. She was understanding about that, and I don't think she has any expectations of me at this point either. Which could be a negative way to start a relationship, I guess, but I see it more as we're just kind of starting from scratch here. We were also both agreed on relationships needing to be meaningful, and it not being worth putting energy into something superficial. So I said that we could try to be friends from here out, and I think we'll just see where things go.
Family drama out of the way, the rest of my trip was pretty enjoyable. Thursday I went up to Princeton to have lunch with Georginia, a friend from grad school. We went to an all-you-can-eat sushi place and then walked around Nassau Street for a bit. I picked up another Ugly Doll at a little store called Morning Glory, which made me happy. We also went to Twist, which, while delicious, felt a little weird and wrong without Kristian there. I then went back down to South Jersey, and helped Alison and Ken move stuff into their new place. We had more yummy Jersey pizza for dinner, and got ice cream from Wawa before playing a little Cards Against Humanity. It was good times. Saturday, New Year's Eve, I went back into Philly after my conversation with Susan, this time to hang out with Sarah. We ran a couple errands to pick up a few things for the dinner party we were going to later that night, and also made a stop at Loop, where I bought a skein of pretty yarn that I think I'm going to attempt socks with at some point. We then went to the dinner party she'd been invited to, and had a good time eating and chatting with the other guests.
After the party, Sarah and I headed down to Penn's Landing for the fireworks. Because we were on foot, we were able to get a great spot close to the water without worrying about the traffic. The fireworks were excellent and made me all happy and emotional, as always. I called Brad at midnight to wish him a Happy New Year and tell him I love him, since I wasn't there to give him a kiss. Then, Sarah and I had an adventure getting home. We'd decided to take a cab back, and ended up in one of the minivan cabs. However, the door wouldn't shut! When we told the cab driver, he first told us that we must be too drunk (we'd each had one drink several hours earlier at the party, clearly not drunk), and then kept saying it was shut, even though we could clearly see the street whizzing by. Sarah, who was sitting on that side, basically had to hold the door semi-shut the whole ride. And at first the driver said that after he dropped us off he was going to take it straight to a mechanic. However, a few minutes later he said he wasn't sure if he should go to a mechanic or keep trying to make money since it was New Year's! I definitely hope no actual drunk people ended up in his cab that night, because they probably would've fallen out of it.
Anyway, we did make it safely back to Sarah's, where we watched Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve and toasted with Asti. We both agreed that Dick Clark is kind of sad and depressing at this point, especially since he was unable to keep up with the countdown, and it's a shame that this is how people are going to remember him now. We got to sleep around 2, and then were woken up around 7 on New Year's Day by her neighbor blasting music at top volume. Normally, this would be very annoying, and it was that day too, except that the first song I heard/recognized was Modest Mouse - Float On. And I figured that the whole idea of "even if things get heavy, we'll all float on all right" was actually a pretty good motto to start a new year with, so I didn't stay irritated for very long. Sarah and I went and watched some of the Mummers Parade before meeting my dad and Candice (his girlfriend) for a late lunch at Green Eggs, since Kira was working. Apparently, one conversation with me after not talking for about a year and a half was enough time for my dad to ask me when I was going to start spitting out grandkids. Mmhmm. I told him that we're waiting until Brad is working, too, because I'm not having kids on one income. He said it was good that I was being financially responsible and all, but he wasn't getting any younger. I told him to get Brad a job, then we'll talk. :p
I would like to take a moment to say that if you're still hanging in there and reading this, you deserve a cookie. If you make it all the way through the rest of the entry, you are clearly an amazing friend. :D I just figured I'd start it now that I'm only 80 entries back on my friends page, instead of over 200 like I was earlier, and now that I've started, I'm on a roll, so the writing is going to continue. Woooo epic lj entries! I will put the rest behind cuts so you can decide what you want to read about.
So, my trip continued! Monday the 2nd, Sarah was nice enough to drive me back to Jersey, where I collected my car from the PATCO station and drove it to the bus station in Mount Laurel. I took the bus down to Silver Spring to meet up with Kelly, who I hadn't seen since the wedding! We got lunch at Potbelly's, which I feel is somewhat of a tradition when I go to visit her, then picked up a few things at Whole Foods before going back to chill at her apartment. We chatted and watched tv and shared funny internet things with each other, then she made a yummy mac and cheese with bacon for dinner. Dinner was followed by the consumption of raw cookie dough and the watching of fun movies, like The Princess Bride. The next day, Kelly dropped me off at the metro, and I went into DC to hang out with people at Dupont Circle. I met up with Rachel and Christine for lunch at Pizzeria Paradiso, and it was really good to see them both. I hadn't seen Rachel since I visited her in South Carolina on my way down to Florida, which was almost 3 years ago, and I hadn't seen Christine since the last time I was in Nova for New Year's, which was 5 years ago!! Crazy!
The three of us had a tasty lunch, followed by browsing a secondhand bookstore and a brief stop at a local yarn store before they had to leave. Then I met up with Peter at my favorite DC bookstore to catch up. Peter's another one I hadn't seen in 5 years! It's a little ridiculous. We had a nice chat before he headed on to other plans, and I wandered Dupont Circle for a bit before giving in to the cold and chilling at Starbucks until it was time to meet Niki for dinner. We ate at this little Asian place called Shophouse, and then had a little adventure trying to find dessert that wasn't frozen. After attempting to go to Hello Cupcake only to find they'd already closed, we decided that s'mores from Cosi were the perfect option. So tasty! I took the metro back into Silver Spring, and Kelly and I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie, which was fun. Wednesday we just chilled at her place again, brought back lunch from Quizno's and ate it while watching the first Pirates of the Caribbean, before she took me back to the bus station to catch my bus. Annoyingly, I had a two hour layover in Baltimore, where the only food options were vending machines, and I had no small change. :-/
Anyway, I made it back to Jersey without incident, and stopped at Wawa on my way to Amy's house. This was apparently unnecessary, as Amy's mom made me a plate of food when I got there, which was very nice of her considering it was close to 10 pm. Amy and I had an awesome time on Thursday, wandering around Wegmans and Target, where I spent tons of money, as you would expect. At Wegmans, I picked up approximately a billion (read: six) boxes of cereal that I can't get here in Canada, as well as a couple little things like Velveeta (which I can get here, but is much cheaper in the States) and Asian Helper. Target was just a goldmine of good stuff: I got a really cute tote bag for $2.50, some fun-looking ice trays from the dollar spot, two cute bras that were $17 TOGETHER, two pairs of fun undies, a set of jersey sheets, a couple adorable onesies for Becca's baby, annnnd . . . that might be it. But! The really exciting (in a totally nerdy way) thing is that I found a wheeled suitcase to use for work! I've been wanting one for a while, because I always end up carrying around all these heavy bags, and having something with wheels would make everything so much easier. The bag was $100, but I can get reimbursed for it from work, which is great. I'm seriously looking forward to going in to work tomorrow, just because I get to start using this bag, haha.
Speaking of cool new things that I acquired, I forgot to mention that Kira gave me a few Christmas presents while I was at her place, including . . . a Kindle!! I'm super excited about it. It was actually her "old" one, which she got as a present last year. But she decided to buy herself a new one, and gave me the old one. I do not care at all that it's a year old, because it still works perfectly fine, and it's the kind of thing I probably never would have gotten around to buying for myself. I'm psyched that it can read pdfs, because I'm totally going to put knitting patterns on it, and, as a bonus, all of Kira's books are still on it even though they were supposed to have disappeared when she deregistered it! Win for me!
My trip ended on a good note. After my Wegmans and Target shopping sprees, I picked up a dozen good, fresh Jersey bagels to take home with me. Amy and I picked Kira up and we had lunch at Cosi, stopped at the mall so Kira could spend a gift card, then went to the movies to see Young Adult. (Absolutely terrible, btw. Don't waste your time or money.) Then I had an end-of-trip gathering at the Pop Shop with Jenn, Brian, Amy, Kira and Sarah, which was lots of fun. I got my grilled cheese on a pretzel, as well as a second one to eat in the car on the way home the next day. The drive home was uneventful for the most part, although I did have a spell of doubting my google maps directions, which was quickly resolved. I made good time, and had absolutely no wait at the border, which almost never happens. However, I nearly had a heart attack when the border guard sent me to "check in with Immigration". Fortunately, I barely had time to think "seriously? I cannot handle this again" before I was sent on my way. The immigration official simply removed my old work permits from my passport and told me I was good to go, which was a huge relief. And then I was home! It always feels really good to be back home after a trip away, and Brad and I have had some good times together since I got back, just cuddling and watching movies and sexytimes and stuff. I did have mountains of laundry to do, and had a headache all day yesterday, but that's all minor stuff. Brad made a good stir fry for dinner last night, and we watched 127 Hours, which was kind of graphic/disturbing at the end. I had to not watch for part of it, but even without seeing it, the imagery has kind of stuck in my head. Will have to watch lots of Glee episodes to get rid of it, haha.
Look at that! You made it through my ridiculously long entry! Now, you can have something light and fluffy as a reward, my year-in-review survey! :)
what did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
-stayed in the same apartment for a second year (I had never done this as an adult before)
-applied to become a permanent resident of Canada
-adopted a kitten from a shelter
-drove to Michigan
-got turned away from the border
-listened to an audiobook
-celebrated a first anniversary of marriage
-traded in a car and bought a brand new one
did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think I actually did a decent job of keeping my resolutions, which, if I recall correctly, were to make new friends and be more social. I have a handful of new LJ friends who I didn't know before this time last year, and I feel like I have more of a social circle here in Toronto, too. I haven't made any for this year yet, and don't know if I will. We'll see if I get inspired.
did anyone close to you give birth?
Becca! And I get to go see her and baby Tessa next weekend! I'm really excited. :D
did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.
what countries did you visit?
I think I set a personal record for least amount of time spent in the US in 2011, about 15 days altogether.
what would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Permanent resident status in Canada. A job for Brad. A puppy. Mayyyyyyybe a pregnancy? That one will depend on circumstances. Definitely, I would like a place to live that does not include leaky ceilings, rude neighbors, and an unresponsive landlord.
what was your biggest achievement of the year?
Submitting my PR application? There was a hell of a lot of work that went into that. Brad says getting my new car counts as an achievement too.
what was your biggest failure?
I don't know. Maybe still not managing to start a savings account? But really, I think I did the best I could given our circumstances on that one. I don't really feel like I failed spectacularly at anything.
what was the best thing you bought?
My new car, for sure. I love that car.
whose behavior merited celebration?
Brad's, always. He keeps me sane, helps me through my stress, makes me laugh. Jordan and Sue, for their help this summer.
whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Up until the last week of the year, my father's refusal to reach out and make amends for things was pretty appalling. Besides that, though, I don't know. My landlord's?
where did most of your money go?
Rent. Car insurance. Gas, groceries. Nothing fun. :-/
what did you get really, really, really excited about?
My knitting group, and various projects I made. My new car. Becca's baby. You know what, I can't think of something that I was REALLY excited about this year. Maybe I'm just not remembering enough, but I think that speaks to my need to spend less time being stressed. Possible resolution for 2012, maybe?
what song will always remind you of 2011?
I have to agree with Jess and say any of the few Adele songs that were played a gazillion times this year. Besides that, the new Anna Nalick songs, Death Cab's Your Heart is a Tourist, Mumford & Sons - The Cave, Coldplay - Every Tear is a Waterfall. Oh, and that Rihanna song - We Found Love in a Hopeless Place.
compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? probably the same, if not happier.
thinner or fatter? again, I think the same.
richer or poorer? maybe slightly richer? but probably about the same.
what do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading, taking time to relax, spending quality time with Brad and/or my friends.
what do you wish you'd done less of?
Being stressed, worrying about money. It always works out somehow.
how will you be spending Christmas?
We had a very low key Christmas, just the two of us, exchanging presents and playing with them, taco salad for dinner. It was nice and relaxing and I appreciated it.
did you fall in love in 2011?
I continued to be in love with Brad. He gives me more reasons to love him all the time.
How many one-night stands?
None.
what were your favorite TV programs?
I still watch Glee, though it's not quite as good as I'd hoped this season. I think my favorite new show is Once Upon a Time. Canada's Worst Driver was enjoyable as always, too.
do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah.
what was the best book you read?
Mmm, The Way the Crow Flies, by Anne-Marie MacDonald, was amazing. Ooh, and Oryx and Crake and The Year of the Flood were fantastic, too.
what was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh, I got so much new music this year! The new Anna Nalick was awesome, and Death Cab's Codes and Keys is pretty good. Darren Hayes' new album, Secret Codes and Battleships, is fantastic, too.
what did you want and get?
A new car, to submit my PR application, another cat, lots of little things.
What did you want and not get?
A puppy. A way to make money over the summer.
what were your favorite films of this year?
Hmmm, what did I see this year? 50/50 was really good, I really liked that one. The new Muppet movie was cute and fun. Can't really remember what else I've seen.
what did you do on your birthday?
Brad and I went to dinner the night before and had a great meal at a good Italian place. Then the day after, I went to Snakes & Lattes with a bunch of my girls, and it was a really good time. Definitely a fun birthday.
how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
I think I made slightly more of an effort to dress like a grown up. I got more "professional" work pants and things like that. But mostly, I'd say slightly dressy business casual for work, and jeans or pajamas on the weekends.
what kept you sane?
Brad. Hours-long conversations on the phone with Kristian. Knitting and reading. My knitting group. Sue and Janet at work.
which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I really wanted Dianna Agron's hair cut. And Ryan Gosling remained really hot. I think that's probably about it.
what political issue stirred you the most?
Locally, Rob Ford being a douche and cutting funding for things like libraries. In the States, all the various attacks on reproductive choice and women's rights.
who did you miss?
Everyone who's not local. Meaning, most of my friends.
who was the best new person you met?
No lie, everyone in my knitting group. Those girls are really funny and I have such a good time whenever I see them. I'm really glad Kim told me about the group.
tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
I think I'm still learning this one, but actually the Modest Mouse song kind of sums it up: We'll all float on okay. I'm still working on applying this in practice, but I am learning that stressing out about things isn't really going to help anything, and things are all going to work out in the end.
quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Hmmm. I was going to go with Ingrid again, but since I just used her lyric last year, I'll pick Snow Patrol: "there's joy not far from here, I know there is", either that or Anna Nalick: "why didn't anybody tell you that it ain't easy, life don't imitate reality tv."