i miss you, been far away for far too long
Occasionally, when I am bored or have nothing better to do, I will go back and read old journal entries from the current month of years past. E.g. tonight I was looking at entries from the first week of June of every year I've had this journal. First, it is SO weird/funny to read entries from my senior year of high school. Bizarre, really; it seems like a lifetime ago, or several.
But more than the amusement value, sometimes I like going back through old entries to see how much things have changed, how much I've changed (and hopefully grown and learned, too). One of the most interesting things is to see the course of my relationships and experiences with boys over the course of the last six years. June of 2002, as I got ready to graduate high school, I still had never been kissed, never had a boyfriend. By June of 2003, the end of my first year of college, I'd already dated 3 (or 4, depending on how you count) different guys and thought I loved the one I was currently dating (Paul, for those of you who knew me then). Looking back, of course, I had no idea what love was or what relationships were supposed to be about; breaking up with him had to be one of the best decisions I've made for my mental health. In June of 2004, only a year later, Matt and I had dated for 5 or 6 months, broken up and gotten back together. I was ready to lose my virginity to him (I did), and was pretty sure I loved him, even though I wouldn't tell him for a few more months. June of 2005 saw me trying to hold on to a friendship with him even though we'd just broken up for the second time. In June 2006, I wasn't in a relationship, but I'd recently ended a two month 'fling'(? whatever the hell you'd call it when you're sleeping with someone without being in a relationship), and I know I was spending a lot of time on okcupid then. I was pretty well lost at that time in terms of what I wanted from boys/relationships and wasn't really going about anything the right way.
What's interesting is what I've learned and how people have helped me along the way. I know my family was a big help in getting me to realize that my relationship with Paul was pretty unhealthy and that I needed to end it. I think the series of relationships I had freshman year taught me not to rush into things, although that lesson took a little longer to sink in. The friends who were there for me when Matt broke up with me, and when he did it a second time, showed me that there were flaws in that relationship and convinced me that I deserved someone who would make me happy. They really helped me move past the breakup and be able to stand on my own. Though, paradoxically, in that process, I also lost a lot of myself. I did a lot of things senior year that didn't fit with my ideals, my morals, what I wanted from relationships or from myself as a person. At the time I thought it didn't matter (or I tried to convince myself that it didn't), and it's taken a long time and a lot of help from someone who cares about me to see that there were better ways I could have gone about the healing process, being single, etc.
I've had a lot of lessons to learn from all of my past relationships and mistakes, and I think they've all culminated in what I have with Brad. We didn't rush into this relationship; we talked online and on the phone for over two months before we met in person, which really allowed us to get to know each other. While we have had our occasional problems, this relationship is much healthier than some of my previous ones. Neither of us is trying to control the other one, and we can communicate openly and honestly about any problems that we have. When one of us feels like our needs aren't being met, we talk about it and find ways to make sure we're both happy. Brad's helped me realize how important it is to make decisions I can respect myself for, and to consider more than just the immediate consequences of my actions. He has also shown me what it really means to love someone, to care about them with all your heart. I had no concept of how to build a future with someone before; I could never picture it with any of the guys I dated previously. But with Brad, I can't imagine a future without him. Picturing our engagement, our wedding, living together, having kids, growing old together . . . is all so easy, so right. This relationship is so much more real, solid, meaningful than anything I've ever had before. I don't think I'm done learning about relationships, either, but I think the rest of my learning can be focused on making this one as good as it can be, on making this one last.
I'm not proud of everything I've done in the past; I'm not happy about all of the guys I've ever dated or been involved with. But if changing any of those things meant that I wouldn't be where I am now with Brad, then I wouldn't do a single thing differently. I love him more than anything, and I am so much looking forward to spending my life with him so that I can continue to learn about love, about us, about building a real, strong relationship. I'm so grateful for everything he's shown me already, how much he's helped me grow and change into a better person, the person I wanted to be all along and lost sight of for awhile. I don't know what I'd do with out him, but I'm incredibly glad I found him.
But more than the amusement value, sometimes I like going back through old entries to see how much things have changed, how much I've changed (and hopefully grown and learned, too). One of the most interesting things is to see the course of my relationships and experiences with boys over the course of the last six years. June of 2002, as I got ready to graduate high school, I still had never been kissed, never had a boyfriend. By June of 2003, the end of my first year of college, I'd already dated 3 (or 4, depending on how you count) different guys and thought I loved the one I was currently dating (Paul, for those of you who knew me then). Looking back, of course, I had no idea what love was or what relationships were supposed to be about; breaking up with him had to be one of the best decisions I've made for my mental health. In June of 2004, only a year later, Matt and I had dated for 5 or 6 months, broken up and gotten back together. I was ready to lose my virginity to him (I did), and was pretty sure I loved him, even though I wouldn't tell him for a few more months. June of 2005 saw me trying to hold on to a friendship with him even though we'd just broken up for the second time. In June 2006, I wasn't in a relationship, but I'd recently ended a two month 'fling'(? whatever the hell you'd call it when you're sleeping with someone without being in a relationship), and I know I was spending a lot of time on okcupid then. I was pretty well lost at that time in terms of what I wanted from boys/relationships and wasn't really going about anything the right way.
What's interesting is what I've learned and how people have helped me along the way. I know my family was a big help in getting me to realize that my relationship with Paul was pretty unhealthy and that I needed to end it. I think the series of relationships I had freshman year taught me not to rush into things, although that lesson took a little longer to sink in. The friends who were there for me when Matt broke up with me, and when he did it a second time, showed me that there were flaws in that relationship and convinced me that I deserved someone who would make me happy. They really helped me move past the breakup and be able to stand on my own. Though, paradoxically, in that process, I also lost a lot of myself. I did a lot of things senior year that didn't fit with my ideals, my morals, what I wanted from relationships or from myself as a person. At the time I thought it didn't matter (or I tried to convince myself that it didn't), and it's taken a long time and a lot of help from someone who cares about me to see that there were better ways I could have gone about the healing process, being single, etc.
I've had a lot of lessons to learn from all of my past relationships and mistakes, and I think they've all culminated in what I have with Brad. We didn't rush into this relationship; we talked online and on the phone for over two months before we met in person, which really allowed us to get to know each other. While we have had our occasional problems, this relationship is much healthier than some of my previous ones. Neither of us is trying to control the other one, and we can communicate openly and honestly about any problems that we have. When one of us feels like our needs aren't being met, we talk about it and find ways to make sure we're both happy. Brad's helped me realize how important it is to make decisions I can respect myself for, and to consider more than just the immediate consequences of my actions. He has also shown me what it really means to love someone, to care about them with all your heart. I had no concept of how to build a future with someone before; I could never picture it with any of the guys I dated previously. But with Brad, I can't imagine a future without him. Picturing our engagement, our wedding, living together, having kids, growing old together . . . is all so easy, so right. This relationship is so much more real, solid, meaningful than anything I've ever had before. I don't think I'm done learning about relationships, either, but I think the rest of my learning can be focused on making this one as good as it can be, on making this one last.
I'm not proud of everything I've done in the past; I'm not happy about all of the guys I've ever dated or been involved with. But if changing any of those things meant that I wouldn't be where I am now with Brad, then I wouldn't do a single thing differently. I love him more than anything, and I am so much looking forward to spending my life with him so that I can continue to learn about love, about us, about building a real, strong relationship. I'm so grateful for everything he's shown me already, how much he's helped me grow and change into a better person, the person I wanted to be all along and lost sight of for awhile. I don't know what I'd do with out him, but I'm incredibly glad I found him.