Relationships
In all my time I had thought I had learned something about behavior in relationships w/ the opposite sex. i.e. intimate relationships w/ the opposite sex...the friend relationship w/ the opposite sex isn't that hard to keep intact if both parties are willing...intimate ones however, this is where it gets tricky.
So I'm a girl behaving badly, well, I used to be. I used to bitch and nag and get completely loud when trying to get a point across to my boyfriend and this happened w/ all of them...Matt, Rory, Will, all of them. Especially Brandon in the beginning, man, we took some beatings from each other. Well, I figured out that sometimes yelling or worrying about something isn't always the way to make the boy feel or see how I feel. So I've been staying calm w/ Brandon among the baby being here and among my hormones that are ravaging my mind into believing that he is the worst person on earth when it comes to housekeeping, I've tried to let it all pass. But now, man, this is kinda where my entry from yesterday was going. I'm stuck in the apt. all day, I can't go anywhere w/ Emma b/c I can't drive and I don't want to leave her w/ anyone b/c I miss her every time I'm away from her, I miss her immensely. I don't even like it when ppl other than myself hold her for too long or burp her wrong, LoL. Maybe that's the mom in me coming out but I'm completely selfish and whatnot also so it could be that. Anyway, back to BMB.
Last night we put Emma down and watched Kill Bill Vol. 2 b/c he bought it forever ago and we never watched it. Well, it got over around 2 and I went to bed. He said he'd be there in a while, he was tired. Remember, he came home early b/c he 'hardly gets to see Emma.' Well, he goes up to the loft to play Counter Strike (two words or one?) and I wake up at 4:50am to Emma fussing b/c she needs food and a dry di. No one is in bed next to me. I was hugging his pillos. I'm pathetic. **Note: I love snuggling, LOVE snuggling, and LOVE sleeping by Brandon and having him with me in bed, it's just one of those security things I think, but it's nice. So whenever I wake up at 4am and he's not in bed I get a wee bit pissed.** Okay, so I change my angel and get her a bottle and am feeding her hoping she'll fall back asleep w/o any trouble b/c I'm exhausted, she ate me out of house and home yesterday and I have like, no more mommy milk and I hate that we're using so much formula, she just doesn't seem as content when she's finished w/ a bottle as she does whenever she's done nursing. So I'm walking around w/ her feeding her, I put her sleeper back over her onesie b/c it's kinda chilly and baby Emma needs to stay warm so she'll use all those calories to grow instead of try to keep warm. Brandon walks into the bedroom. I'm bent over her dressing her on the bed and he walks over and kisses the back of my head saying he loves me. If I wasn't afraid of causing my little girl a heart attack I would have let him have it. There is not a reason in the world that he had to stay up until 5 after 5am playing that damn video game and there is no reason that I should have to be the one to take care of Emma when he's still awake. And you know what? He says, 'I'm sorry.' Okay, good. That doesn't make him learn anything though. He hadn't even taken the monitor up to the loft w/ him. He had left it in the living room. He said, 'I didn't hear her cry, I'm sorry, I didn't hear her cry...' Okay, babies don't necessarily cry until they think no one notices they're not comfy, then they wail...well, at least that's Emma's way. So she just kind of wimpers and coos until I or BMB come to her aid. (Which is cool and I hope she keeps doing that.) So then I'm just saying to him, you have to see that I don't like the fact that I had to wake up to feed and change her by myself while you were playing a game and not even paying attn. to your little girl. You didn't even have the monitor up there w/ you.' 'I'm sorry you're upset, Jenny.' I hate it when ppl say stuff like that. That's putting the blame for my being upset all on me. Like he didn't do anything wrong, like the monitor is stuck in the living room and non-moveable, like him still being awake to take care of her and my being asleep at such an hour as 4:50am is horrid and that I shouldn't be upset to take care of my little girl. I'm not. Not upset about that, I'm upset that I did it by myself. And evidently that's all my fault. 'I'm sorry you're upset, Jenny.'
This morning we get up at noon, well, I had been up for an hour or so in there somewhere taking care of her and myself (I have to dr. a certain area from giving birth.) He wakes up and says, I'm going to go shower. He showered when he got home last night. I haven't showered since 8am yesterday and I did that b/c I knew he wouldn't need to go anywhere at 8am, he could just sleep and wake up and take care of Emma if she needed something while I was in the shower. So I'm feeding her and thinking, 'How nice that must be to take a shower...' but I don't say anything, I have all day to shower, it's all good. I'll take one when he gets out. Then he gets out, takes the trash out, thank Jesus, and says, 'I'm going to HH Gregg.' 'What?' 'I'm going to get that car stereo, remember?' 'Oh yeah...well, sometime I'd like to take a shower.' 'Sigh...well, go take a shower, I'll watch Emma while you're in there and then I'll go.' 'Okay, no, I'm not ready to take one, Emma's taking care of herself pretty efficiently, just go, this is the best time to go, I have all day.' 'Jenny, just go shower.' 'Brandon, go.' So he leaves and has been gone since 1:30. It's almost 3. We're supposed to go out tonight w/ some of his friends from work. Well, WERE supposed to go OUT to like dinner but that's not going to happen b/c one of the guys' g/f's is a dork and doesn't want to leave her house, just wants to stay in. So we're all going to her house which is actually her parents house and watching the UofL game which is cool and then playing board games which will be kind of fun I guess but I have let Emma go to Jena's and I hate that. I don't want to let her go again. And I really don't want to now b/c it took him until like, 2:30 to figure out what exactly was going on and it was pissing me off that we didn't have plans, I mean, we have a child and his aunt said that she'd watch her today while we went out, there was no problem w/ that, but I want her to know what time she will have her and stuff, not just give her a last minute notice on Emma. I don't want to bother ppl like that, even if they insist it's not a bother, I like having a plan, it just seems more polite to the person offering to take care of our little girl. Jena's super excited though so I suppose it's cool. I just hope Emma's alright there until we pick her up, I hate leaving her. I don't want to do it at all. But I want to go do stuff too...again, I'm in this apt. all the time and she is too, we can't go anywhere and BMB doesn't seem to think about that at all. Jena and I were talking earlier and she was like, 'Jenny, I can't believe you, you tell him! Brandon, wait, we're coming w/ you and I'm going to go shower.' And then go w/ him! You know what to do, he's used to dealing w/ us wild women anyway, that's his whole family, there are like, 4 guys and the rest are women, even the kids. We're all he knows.' Jena rocks. I think she called Kim though b/c then she called BMB and said that he needs to do more things for me and Emma b/c all he does is sleep and play video games. I don't know how she knew about the video game thing but the sleep thing was obvious. I have tried to be so nice w/ this, and I can't. I find myself w/ a horrid bitch tone of voice w/ him and he takes it but that's not me anymore. That's resentful me, the one that's not letting what I really want conveyed out there, just letting him know something is bothering me and since he's clueless it doesn't help anything.
I've been doing laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher and picking up his clothes and his cups and dishes and trash and in all of this, he's taken out the trash and unloaded the dishwasher once. He did about 2 loads of laundry, his mom did like, 4, I've done 4 now...I've folded and put away clothes, mostly his b/c well, I don't get to shower, why do I need clean clothes? I'll wear my pj's all day and then put them in the hamper. He does like, very little. And when he does do stuff, it's this huge task...I hate it. I have to ask him to do stuff like laundry even if the laundry room floor makes it apparent that it needs to be done. I'm not supposed to be doing things like housework right now. Dr.'s orders. Let me type that again...
I'm not supposed to be doing things like housework right now. Dr.'s orders.
He was in the room when the nurse went over that w/ me. And he acted all responsible and accepting, knowing that I had to recover. I started doing all the laundry on Wednesday. One week after I was told to wait about 2 or 3 weeks to do this stuff...I cry about this stuff. And he doesn't seem to fucking care. He doesn't seem to figure out that a damn car stereo from HH Gregg will probably crap out in a year and I'm not going to be all about spending yet another day at the apt. by myself w/ the baby, especially since I promised my little girl that she was going to spend time w/ her daddy. I don't care if she's a week and a half old, she still needs her dad. Just like I needed mine, just like all kids need them and he's even one of those kids...but for some reason he just leaves. She loves it when he's around, when she fusses at me for changing her and he's by her, she stops and stares at him and doesn't fuss as much...and he's so cute w/ her but Christ, he's never here. He wakes up in the morning, has errands to run, leaves at 2 for work, comes home @ midnight, stays up til 2-3am, goes to bed, maybe helps w/ the night feeding if I can wake him up, and then wakes up at 11am and leaves...it's this cycle that won't break and he doesn't seem to figure out that sorry doesn't cut it. I don't get to see him either except for in her.
And this is just me ranting. All he says is sorry. If he was really sorry, he'd think about staying home instead of getting a fucking stereo and staying up until 5 playing video games but complains about having to wake up in the middle of the night w/ Emma. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I thought this was not going to be as difficult as what it is. I knew child-rearing was hard, well, it's really hard by yourself and maybe even harder when there is someone w/ you who just leaves or stands by while you do everything. It's like a group project where you do all the work and everyone else just sits around or doesn't even show up to the mtg.'s but when they do show up, you wish they hadn't. That's another thing, sometimes I wish he'd just stay away from me while I'm changing her b/c he teases her. I always try to change her before I feed her and so she's constantly trying to root on anything near her face while she's getting changed, really stinkin adorable. So he puts his face down like, on top of her mouth and lets her suck on his nose. It was hilarious like, the first 28 times he did it but at some point I lost the humor aspect of the situation and decided that the poor girl is going to get confused and start doing that to ppl that aren't supposed to have their noses sucked on by our baby. Other than that little thing, he comforts her while she's getting changed.
3:18pm...still not back. I smell like formula, baby spit, baby wipes, and A&D Ointment. He keeps calling and asking if I've showered. I'm not going to shower while there is no one else here. I'm not about to stumble out of the shower half shampooed and half rinsed and race toward my little baby girl who is crying and screaming. I'm not going to be that consoling while soaking wet and shivering. Get your ass home, boy.
xoxoxoxox