Patxi says, "Don't be a chicken shit!!"
I come to this screen, this familiar white box that has been scrutinized by my fourteen year old eyes, now my twenty year old eyes, and all of the eyes that have graced me in between, and the pressure of the world falls on my shoulders. Everything that I know I need to document gets pushed somewhere else, forgotten, promised that it will be remembered again, ensured that it will live on, somewhere - anywhere - but not here. Putting memories and conclusions here always feels daunting; like the ageless eyes of the web, the world, will see them and judge - oppinionate. It is inconsequential whether these opinions be good or bad, either way they daunt. So, to hell with all of that. I do need to remember these things. I don't need people to read about them, but knowing that they could, I suppose, somehow validates not the thoughts exactly, but just the fact that i'm having them... as if, my musings are released into the public domain by simply having the capability to be read by someone else. now i'm a part of the action. now i'm participating. Or, more significantly, now my thoughts, me, I, matter. because nearly strangers are reading some words i've typed into a white box.
I needed Dylan to come and stay with me spontaneously because I needed to learn what spontaneity is not. It is not to be messed with. It is not a guarantee of a magically good time. It does not fix all the possible wrongs of circumstance, simply by being that from which an idea was bred.
Today, I am especially worried about the organs of my digestive tract. They have hurt empty, full, and partially sated. I fear I may either have tears in my esophagus or have developed some kind of sphincter malfunction. It hurt to drink carbonated beverages at all today. This is the first time feelings like this have lasted an entire day... I'm glad for the lab work and physical I have to get done. Hopefully, any real issues will show up and be dealt with.
Love,
Cammie
I needed Dylan to come and stay with me spontaneously because I needed to learn what spontaneity is not. It is not to be messed with. It is not a guarantee of a magically good time. It does not fix all the possible wrongs of circumstance, simply by being that from which an idea was bred.
Today, I am especially worried about the organs of my digestive tract. They have hurt empty, full, and partially sated. I fear I may either have tears in my esophagus or have developed some kind of sphincter malfunction. It hurt to drink carbonated beverages at all today. This is the first time feelings like this have lasted an entire day... I'm glad for the lab work and physical I have to get done. Hopefully, any real issues will show up and be dealt with.
Love,
Cammie