(no subject)
Next round! Sian's round is still open, so if you haven't hit that up yet, please do so! We're good there. ♥
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: The Dean / Craig Pelton
Series: Community
Character Age: Somewhere in his 30s or 40s
Job: Morning Announcement Understudy
Canon: Need a quick-and-easy undergrad degree? Some place that will take you when you end up getting disbarred because your law firm finds out that you never received a valid degree in the first place? Then why not try Greendale Community College! That's what Jeff Winger, ex-lawyer extraordinaire, does when the above scenario tragically and hilariously happens to him. During his journey of redemption and/or getting laid by local Greendalian hotties, Jeff forms a circle of new and eccentric friends out of an accidental study group. But while the study group forms the heart, soul, and backbone of the show, it's Craig Pelton, Dean of Greendale, that's the mastermind and unintentional evil overlord of their lives.
Dean Pelton, you see, is the brains behind Greendale's special brand of insanity. The Dean sees each new day as a great opportunity to not only assert his campus as a "real" school (complete with meaningless dances, low-impact theme weeks, and frightening school mascots), but also to employ a brand political correctness so misguided that it loops back around into distressingly and mindlessly offensive to everyone with common sense and good taste. Known more for making announcements every ten minutes and turning people into zombies (but just that one time) than he is for any kind of demonstrated administrative prowess, the Dean's mission is to keep it all hip, happening, and irritatingly good-natured. Sure, the student base might think he's a little bit of a creep, what with his inappropriate comments and his ambiguous fetish for dalmatian-inspired fursuiting, but really, he's just trying to be cool! Light-hearted! Please don't sue!
Sample Post:
Hello, Camp Love You Die!
This is your new extra early announcement coming to you right at 5 am on the dot, and I can already hear you folks scratching your heads from the comfort of my brand new shiny, isolated, leaking cabin. But not to fear! The name of your camp hasn't been changed, I've just been given permission to keep it a bit more PG in the house when I do this sort of thing. You see, we-by which I mean myself-have been thinking of doing a little bit of "re-branding" to appeal to a larger customer base. And we-again, disclaimer: I-decided that the best course of family-friendly action would be to do a liiiittle bit of a switcheroo with the name. The sentiment's certainly the same! Why, loving is just the same as "eff"ing! ...It's just a little less vigorous and not as prone to getting you in trouble with the FCC.
-Oh, right, silly me, I've forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Craig Pelton, and I'm your new loudspeaker understudy. Why, Craig, I can hear you ask, why does the loudspeaker need an understudy? Well, camp-at-large, the answer to that is that doing announcements or any other kind of strenuous oral-related activity this early in the morning can have a negative impact on the vocal chords. That's why no one ever sees Lindsay Lohan get out of bed before 1 pm. And if it's good for the professionals, it's good for your beloved staff here at Camp Love You Die.
As a first order of business, I've taken the liberty of making up a list of potential events. Yes, I know, it's not my job, but I believe the central pillar of every institution should be group bonding. I've managed to book the side of a barn to project some movies onto, and so far, the short list of featured films I've put together include 101 Dalmatians-an old favourite of mine-and a grainy cam rip of Justin Bieber's Never Say Never. If anyone else has suggestions, I'll be in the process of hiring assistants who will then be given the task of constructing a series of suggestion boxes to be placed around the central camp area. Process might take two to three weeks, so I hope no one minds re-runs.
Well, alright, you jokers! I've gone on too long, so now it's time for everyone to roll out of their beds and head to the Mess Hall for your listed breakfast of toast, jelly, and... Well, would you look at that! It says "cockroaches" here on the page, but that just has to be a typo. It probably should say "cocks poached," and might be some kind of poultry-based dish. I'll keep everyone updated as more information comes to light. But anyway, feel free to stop by my table in the Mess Hall and say hey! I'll be the guy wearing the "My Name Is Craig" shirt. Or you can just wave. Or nod. Or give any kind of indication that you've spotted me.
Have a great day, Camp Love You Die!
Poll Vote!
Character: Francis
Series: Left 4 Dead
Character Age: Unknown, looks to be around thirty
Job: Shut Up and Kick Ass (SHUKA)
Canon: Hey. Think about this for a second - You're in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Everyone and their grandmothers are turning into abominations of nature, power is cut, society as you know it has been decimated. What would you do? Any normal person during a zombie apocalypse would run and hide, board up in their houses and wait for rescue. Try to find their families, keep them safe. People might just abandon ship and run as fast as they can, hoping to find a place that wasn't hit by the epidemic. A select few will go out out looting everything they could get their hands on. I ask this question just to make a point about Francis. While everyone was out trying to survive, Francis did something much different. He found himself a shotgun and had some fun. No cops, no rules. Sounds like his kind of party.
Left 4 Dead is a first-person multiplayer game about killing zombies. The whole point of the game is to not kill as many zombies as possible but to work together with your fellow players. Simply running around, all-alone, firing at everything you see (which is the case with many first-person shooters) is going to get you killed pretty quickly in Left 4 Dead. Teamwork is the keyword of the game, and you'll be needing a hell of a lot of it. It's not just a rule of gameplay neither - working together as a team is very beneficial and can get players much further in the game. It's also where the fun comes from - playing Left 4 Dead with your friends, working together to survive, is much more fun and satisfying than just playing all alone. And that's what's strange about Francis. You can choose between four characters in Left 4 Dead, and while the other three are optimistic, hard-working and fully into the idea of working together, Francis is the complete opposite. He just wants to lay all the work on everyone else, he complains constantly and he's a pessimist.
It's not that he doesn't work together with his fellow survivors. It's just that Francis doesn't seem to understand the idea of teamwork in general. He just looks, acts and speaks like a bar-fly who does not like playing nice, especially with others. And those impressions are surprisingly head-on. Francis is a bar-fly, and a petty criminal to boot(even though he's keeps telling people that he's a cop (much to the other survivors chagrin). He has a hell of a temper, a huge ego, and he doesn't take shit from nobody. Despite the fact that he has to always rely on the other three survivors, he absolutely and fully believes that he’s indestructible, and because of that he’s cocky and insulting. If there's a chance to antagonize his fellow survivors, he will take it without any hesitation. He does everything right always and if something goes wrong, well, it ain’t his fault. He always seems to scream "Oh that's it, we're gonna die," whenever times get tough. He is also the first in the group to complain, and he does plenty of that throughout the game. His actual catchphrase revolves around how he hates things, and he's perfectly willing to complain about something that rubs him the wrong way. Like "I hate lawyers" and "I hate Canada". Overall, he is the kind of guy you wouldn’t want on your side during a zombie apocalypse because, well, he’s just bad news. Even so, he's willing to work with any situation he's put into, granted if he's allowed to bitch and moan about it at every passing moment.
Also. He hates camp. And he hates kids.
Sample Post:
Alright. Sit down and shut up. My name is Francis. You call me Baldie and I’m allowed to kick your sorry ass. Just so we’re clear. So I know what most of you want to ask me - what the hell is a SHUKA? Well, first off, I would ask you why the hell you're talking over me, but you've got a valid point. It’s an acronym for Shut Up and Kick Ass. AND that’s what I expect you to do when I’m done teaching you, so you better listen or we’re going to have a serious problem on our hands. Oh, and I know exactly what you’re thinking and no, I didn’t just pull that title out of my ass. I'm the official SHUKA for Denver, Texas. The governor has me on speed dial! So yeah, I know what I’m talking about.
Alright. Since I'm technically an instructor here, they're telling me that I have to teach you brats something. I don't really want to, but you guys look seriously hopeless. So I'm going to teach you a subject that none of you are experienced with - surviving a zombie attack. And no, this is definitely important! There are vampires shuffling all over the damn place. Vampires, zombies, same thing! At some point they're going to get together and have a big kid brain banquet - it's only a matter of time. So it's better to be safe. And make damn sure you listen to everything, cuz I AIN'T repeating myself. Shotguns are a must, that's obvious. They can hit crap from a long distance away, so it all works fine. But that ain't the best weapon. It's teamwork. A team of at least two people with pistols is going to do much better than just one jerk with a shotgun. Working with others is gonna get you far, and the best part is that nothing can sneak up on you if your back is turned... Of course, there are exceptions. For someone who's indestructible like me, teamwork is optional. But you, you're just a bunch of kids! You can't go around gung-hoe, trying to kill every zombie around! So believe me when I say that it's best -
Hey. You two. Shut up. I HATE interruptions. You talk again and I’m taking both you down. No I don’t care if you’re five times smaller than me, I don’t have to put up with this crap! Where the hell was I? Damn - you see?! Look at what you did! Now I lost my place! If you kept your goddamn holes shut I’d probably know where I was! Hope you’re real proud of yourself! Hope you're real proud!
Uhh… crap. What time is it? It’s only been ten minutes?! You kidding me?!! Alright - here’s the deal. I’m going to let you punks go early. Daddy’s got an appointment with Dr. Daniels, but keep this, ALL of this to yourselves. If any of you spill the beans I’m making everyone here scrub the damn cafeteria! With toothbrushes! And yes I can do that, don’t tempt me. Go on, get out of here.
… I hate camp.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hanna Falk Cross
Series: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name
Character Age: 24
Job: Ghost Bait
Canon: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name is a webcomic that follows the adventures of a semi-professional part time paranormal investigator, his undead, nameless partner (our narrator), and the people--for certain definitions of "people" that include vampires, werewolves, and who knows what else--they manage to drag into their messes. And our heroes' weapons of choice to battle against supernatural baddies? A hammer, a permanent marker, and a whole lot of optimism.
Hanna is the alive half of the pair, with a knack for rushing headfirst into danger and an insane enthusiasm for his job that doesn't quite make up for the fact that he's not that great at it. He seems to find a reason to get excited about pretty much anything, and while he's friendly, his upbeat, chipper attitude, chattiness, and short attention span sometimes tip him over into "overeager and obnoxious" territory. He looks and acts like a teenager (or sometimes a little kid), and seems a little naive, especially when it comes to dealing with people's paranormal woes. Hanna does what he does because someone has to--maybe he's not always the best person for the job, but if he can help, even a little, he's going to try, damnit. He might not be the smoothest friend you could ask for, or the strongest, or the smartest, but he's by far and away the most loyal.
Sample Post:
Err, right! Let's get this party started! I'm Hanna, and I'm here to help you live peacefully with humans! Or... the non-ghosty? Still living? Is that offensive? Anyway! I know a lot of people pass right by--or, you know, through--you guys, or don't wanna take the time to educate themselves or whatever, so! I'm gonna try to set down some ground rules for everybody and hopefully that'll make things run smooth, like peanut butter. And who doesn't like peanut butter, right? Not this guy.
Double negatives. Tricky. Heh! I know you're all probably like, ew, who's this jerk trying to tell us what to do? But I'm just making sure you guys stay on good terms with everybody else here. It's about time somebody paid attention to you, anyway! I mean, jeez, just because there're super conspicuous zombies wandering around shouldn't mean you guys get the auto-shaft, even if you're outnumbered like whoa. So for any spirits, uh, spectres, ghosts, et cetera out there in the audience--this one's for you? Which sounds like a really cool song dedication or something when I'm actually just here to rain on your parade, probably. But it's not that bad, I promise! There are basically just two, itty-bitty rule-ish guidelines.
I'm gonna start off with the biggest one, and that's don't possess people without their permission. Nnnot to stereotype, or anything like that! But "no means no" is kind of a big deal when you're living--err, corporeal?--and since at this point you guys can literally go inside people, that prooobably shouldn't change. Even if you might not be, I pinky promise personal space bubbles are still alive and kicking.
Oh man I'm sorry that was really bad. I--I'll stop. Um! Rule number two is like a lot of tiny rules crammed into one, but it all falls under the good ol' umbrella of "come on, can we pretty pretty please not spook poor, unsuspecting people." Because that's important! I know some of you are totally non-creepy and friendly, but there's a few of you who do stuff like, you know. Hover around beds when somebody's sleeping, pass through the shower door and pretty much make people crap themselves--you get the idea. I know you're looking for attention and peace of mind and eternal rest, or maybe none of the above and you're just being a dick, but either way, seriously? Popping out of nowhere when somebody's trying to pee is never a good way to make friends. Trust me on that one!
Poll Vote!
Character: Doc Worth
Series: Hanna is Not a Boy's Name
Age: Early-mid Thirties
Job: Back-Alley Pediatrician
Canon: Once upon a time there was an angry young girl named Hanna. Or at least, that's what you'd assume upon seeing the business card of this unnamed city's top part-time paranormal investigator. But as one recently deceased amnesiac zombie finds out, Hanna is not a girl at all. He is, in fact, an absurdly chipper man-child armed against the supernatural with a hammer, a "magic" marker, and a number of questionable contacts.
Included in these contacts, and trusted by Hanna for reasons that aren't exactly clear to anyone, Doc Worth is the go-to guy for paranormal medicine. And verbal abuse. And cockroaches. And probably tetanus (contracting, not curing). Worth is an almost (read: not even remotely) certified med school drop out, magical drug addict, masochist, possibly Australian, and all-around huge skeeze. But under his arguably unwashed exterior he's hiding... the fact that he really is kind of a dick! But whatever, he seems to honestly care about Hanna and friends. And in the end, it's really just the thought that counts, right?
Sample Post:
Right. If I'm gonna be treatin' any of ya sorry sobs, yer gonna knock it off with tellin' me I smell like th' swamp an' it's makin' you pine fer th' fjords of Louisiana or whatever. Fer starters, I don't see any fuckin' swamp 'round here, so I haven't got a damn clue what yer talkin' about. An' maybe, jes' maybe I wouldn't smell so bad if y' lot weren't drippin' entrails all over my jacket! Now put that arm back in it's damn socket an' fer chrissakes stop chewin' on it and we'll get down to business.
Speakin' of business, let's get the formalities outta th' way. Name's Worth. Doc Worth t' you, if I'm stuck patchin' you up every time some big nasty takes a swing at ya. Accordin' t' this incredibly helpful little note here, I'm yer new pediatrician. Not technically my usual line of work, but close enough! So line up, kiddies! The good Doc's probably got a lolly or something in his pockets-- wait, no, that's a cigarette... bit of lint... syringe... ooh, that was prob'ly a finger once upon a time! Wonder where that came from. Looks like you're out of luck, so you'll just hafta be good so I don't borrow a kidney or two while I've got ya knocked out.
Wot? 'Course I'm gonna knock ya out! What sort of doctor doesn't hand out anaesthetics free-ish with every surgery? Hacks, that's what. An' contrary to popular opinion, I'm no hack. Don't even try an' make some stupid pun about hacksaws, either, 'cos it's not funny. Medicine's no laughin' matter. 'Cept if you've been samplin' the nitrous, then it's hilarious and--
Oh, come on now, don't start that knockin' people out jes' to "steal" their organs is against th' hippocratic oath nonsense. I already said I'm knockin' you out fer yer own good. An' I'm th' one who actually bothered showin' up for a couple classes in med school, not you, arright? That doesn't have anythin' to do with hippos anyway, so while the fact that yeh've managed to find one in the middle of fuckin' farm country is impressive, it's not gonna stop me makin' a little money on the side. Besides, it's not like you were USIN' both of those anyway. Trust me, I'm basically a doctor.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Sophie Devereaux
Series: Leverage
Character Age: Late thirties to early forties.
Counselor Job: Theatre Counselor
Canon: What would you do if you’d fallen awry of a malevolent CEO or a bully from the mob? The smart call Leverage Consulting & Associates, a group of criminals who act for the common good. Led by self-proclaimed honest man Nate Ford, the group of five all specialise in different areas - retrieval (and good old fashioned violence), hacking, burglary, and con artistry. Successful on their own, the team become a dynamite force when working as a group - between them, they stick it to the corporations over and over.
Sophie Devereaux is an accomplished con artist, or “grifter”. She originates from Britain, but you can’t always tell - Sophie can imitate many accents and fluently speak in many languages. One might be forgiven for thinking she’s a fantastic actress -- such, in fact, isn’t true. She’s a rubbish actress on the stage. But while she’s on the con, she’s one of the most frightening con artists around, inspiring awe and even fear by reputation from other criminals. The problem with Sophie is that she’s been on the con for so long that even she struggles to remember what is really her, and what is the lie. Her real life is veiled in secrecy - even the identity she uses with the team, “Sophie”, is a pseudonym. Despite this detachment, Sophie is warm-hearted, compassionate and strong-willed with an intuitive grasp on the needs and feelings of others. She is loyal to the team, despite a setback or two, and more importantly she has an emotional understanding of the people she works with - something that their mastermind, Nate, often lacks.
Sample Post:
Let me tell you about my morning. I trekked through the fields, undeterred even by the scarecrow with a strap-on. Do you know why? Because your loving Director, Elizabeth Sayre, wrote to me and told me that I was needed; that you all need to learn the true meaning of drama. So I battled my way through the pools of blood emanating from the showers, only to find you lot. Do you know how you get blood out of Jimmy Choos? You don’t. So I was hoping to find something a bit more impressive in my first class. I’m not being rude. But you really are just a bunch of bloody corpses.
Saying that, I’m not a quitter. There are avenues we can follow here. It seems to me that once you’re dead, you can only fulfill the role of being dead as best you can. It’s like being typecast, except you can’t really shake it off by switching your genre or playing a crossdresser. Though I notice some of you have tried that. Who would have thought peeling skin would go so well with a tutu? Either way, we’ll get to the accessorising later. We have a lot of work to do.
First of all: do you know what I noticed as I walked through this camp? The people here just aren’t scared of you. And you know why, don’t you? Not enough commitment, I’m afraid. Think of it this way. You’re all dead. By the looks of you, it wasn’t a comfortable way to go. Now as morbid and bizarre as it is to say, I don’t think I would spend my unlife shuffling about and half-heartedly muttering “brains” now and then. Your groans don’t sound like anguish to me, everyone! They sound like apathy. Nobody’s afraid of apathy. Nobody is chilled to the bone by ennui. We need some genuine misery here, people. Some real malevolence! Now raise your arms in front of you at a ninety-degree angle and repeat after me: braaaaaaaaaaaains. Braaaaaaaaaaaains.
We’re getting there! Just give it a little more punch. Acting is all about emotion, I promise you. There’s no such thing as melodrama. I don’t care what the newspapers have to say. Right, your homework for the week is to scare at least five campers. I mean, really scare. Keep them awake at night. Obviously, no actual devouring of the viscera - we are acting, after all - but do try to be convincing. I really do want you all to succeed in this, so please try your hardest. Class dismissed! Though -- anyone who can tell me just a little more about the “world’s best security system” will get some extra credit.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: The Dean / Craig Pelton
Series: Community
Character Age: Somewhere in his 30s or 40s
Job: Morning Announcement Understudy
Canon: Need a quick-and-easy undergrad degree? Some place that will take you when you end up getting disbarred because your law firm finds out that you never received a valid degree in the first place? Then why not try Greendale Community College! That's what Jeff Winger, ex-lawyer extraordinaire, does when the above scenario tragically and hilariously happens to him. During his journey of redemption and/or getting laid by local Greendalian hotties, Jeff forms a circle of new and eccentric friends out of an accidental study group. But while the study group forms the heart, soul, and backbone of the show, it's Craig Pelton, Dean of Greendale, that's the mastermind and unintentional evil overlord of their lives.
Dean Pelton, you see, is the brains behind Greendale's special brand of insanity. The Dean sees each new day as a great opportunity to not only assert his campus as a "real" school (complete with meaningless dances, low-impact theme weeks, and frightening school mascots), but also to employ a brand political correctness so misguided that it loops back around into distressingly and mindlessly offensive to everyone with common sense and good taste. Known more for making announcements every ten minutes and turning people into zombies (but just that one time) than he is for any kind of demonstrated administrative prowess, the Dean's mission is to keep it all hip, happening, and irritatingly good-natured. Sure, the student base might think he's a little bit of a creep, what with his inappropriate comments and his ambiguous fetish for dalmatian-inspired fursuiting, but really, he's just trying to be cool! Light-hearted! Please don't sue!
Sample Post:
Hello, Camp Love You Die!
This is your new extra early announcement coming to you right at 5 am on the dot, and I can already hear you folks scratching your heads from the comfort of my brand new shiny, isolated, leaking cabin. But not to fear! The name of your camp hasn't been changed, I've just been given permission to keep it a bit more PG in the house when I do this sort of thing. You see, we-by which I mean myself-have been thinking of doing a little bit of "re-branding" to appeal to a larger customer base. And we-again, disclaimer: I-decided that the best course of family-friendly action would be to do a liiiittle bit of a switcheroo with the name. The sentiment's certainly the same! Why, loving is just the same as "eff"ing! ...It's just a little less vigorous and not as prone to getting you in trouble with the FCC.
-Oh, right, silly me, I've forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Craig Pelton, and I'm your new loudspeaker understudy. Why, Craig, I can hear you ask, why does the loudspeaker need an understudy? Well, camp-at-large, the answer to that is that doing announcements or any other kind of strenuous oral-related activity this early in the morning can have a negative impact on the vocal chords. That's why no one ever sees Lindsay Lohan get out of bed before 1 pm. And if it's good for the professionals, it's good for your beloved staff here at Camp Love You Die.
As a first order of business, I've taken the liberty of making up a list of potential events. Yes, I know, it's not my job, but I believe the central pillar of every institution should be group bonding. I've managed to book the side of a barn to project some movies onto, and so far, the short list of featured films I've put together include 101 Dalmatians-an old favourite of mine-and a grainy cam rip of Justin Bieber's Never Say Never. If anyone else has suggestions, I'll be in the process of hiring assistants who will then be given the task of constructing a series of suggestion boxes to be placed around the central camp area. Process might take two to three weeks, so I hope no one minds re-runs.
Well, alright, you jokers! I've gone on too long, so now it's time for everyone to roll out of their beds and head to the Mess Hall for your listed breakfast of toast, jelly, and... Well, would you look at that! It says "cockroaches" here on the page, but that just has to be a typo. It probably should say "cocks poached," and might be some kind of poultry-based dish. I'll keep everyone updated as more information comes to light. But anyway, feel free to stop by my table in the Mess Hall and say hey! I'll be the guy wearing the "My Name Is Craig" shirt. Or you can just wave. Or nod. Or give any kind of indication that you've spotted me.
Have a great day, Camp Love You Die!
Poll Vote!
Character: Francis
Series: Left 4 Dead
Character Age: Unknown, looks to be around thirty
Job: Shut Up and Kick Ass (SHUKA)
Canon: Hey. Think about this for a second - You're in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Everyone and their grandmothers are turning into abominations of nature, power is cut, society as you know it has been decimated. What would you do? Any normal person during a zombie apocalypse would run and hide, board up in their houses and wait for rescue. Try to find their families, keep them safe. People might just abandon ship and run as fast as they can, hoping to find a place that wasn't hit by the epidemic. A select few will go out out looting everything they could get their hands on. I ask this question just to make a point about Francis. While everyone was out trying to survive, Francis did something much different. He found himself a shotgun and had some fun. No cops, no rules. Sounds like his kind of party.
Left 4 Dead is a first-person multiplayer game about killing zombies. The whole point of the game is to not kill as many zombies as possible but to work together with your fellow players. Simply running around, all-alone, firing at everything you see (which is the case with many first-person shooters) is going to get you killed pretty quickly in Left 4 Dead. Teamwork is the keyword of the game, and you'll be needing a hell of a lot of it. It's not just a rule of gameplay neither - working together as a team is very beneficial and can get players much further in the game. It's also where the fun comes from - playing Left 4 Dead with your friends, working together to survive, is much more fun and satisfying than just playing all alone. And that's what's strange about Francis. You can choose between four characters in Left 4 Dead, and while the other three are optimistic, hard-working and fully into the idea of working together, Francis is the complete opposite. He just wants to lay all the work on everyone else, he complains constantly and he's a pessimist.
It's not that he doesn't work together with his fellow survivors. It's just that Francis doesn't seem to understand the idea of teamwork in general. He just looks, acts and speaks like a bar-fly who does not like playing nice, especially with others. And those impressions are surprisingly head-on. Francis is a bar-fly, and a petty criminal to boot(even though he's keeps telling people that he's a cop (much to the other survivors chagrin). He has a hell of a temper, a huge ego, and he doesn't take shit from nobody. Despite the fact that he has to always rely on the other three survivors, he absolutely and fully believes that he’s indestructible, and because of that he’s cocky and insulting. If there's a chance to antagonize his fellow survivors, he will take it without any hesitation. He does everything right always and if something goes wrong, well, it ain’t his fault. He always seems to scream "Oh that's it, we're gonna die," whenever times get tough. He is also the first in the group to complain, and he does plenty of that throughout the game. His actual catchphrase revolves around how he hates things, and he's perfectly willing to complain about something that rubs him the wrong way. Like "I hate lawyers" and "I hate Canada". Overall, he is the kind of guy you wouldn’t want on your side during a zombie apocalypse because, well, he’s just bad news. Even so, he's willing to work with any situation he's put into, granted if he's allowed to bitch and moan about it at every passing moment.
Also. He hates camp. And he hates kids.
Sample Post:
Alright. Sit down and shut up. My name is Francis. You call me Baldie and I’m allowed to kick your sorry ass. Just so we’re clear. So I know what most of you want to ask me - what the hell is a SHUKA? Well, first off, I would ask you why the hell you're talking over me, but you've got a valid point. It’s an acronym for Shut Up and Kick Ass. AND that’s what I expect you to do when I’m done teaching you, so you better listen or we’re going to have a serious problem on our hands. Oh, and I know exactly what you’re thinking and no, I didn’t just pull that title out of my ass. I'm the official SHUKA for Denver, Texas. The governor has me on speed dial! So yeah, I know what I’m talking about.
Alright. Since I'm technically an instructor here, they're telling me that I have to teach you brats something. I don't really want to, but you guys look seriously hopeless. So I'm going to teach you a subject that none of you are experienced with - surviving a zombie attack. And no, this is definitely important! There are vampires shuffling all over the damn place. Vampires, zombies, same thing! At some point they're going to get together and have a big kid brain banquet - it's only a matter of time. So it's better to be safe. And make damn sure you listen to everything, cuz I AIN'T repeating myself. Shotguns are a must, that's obvious. They can hit crap from a long distance away, so it all works fine. But that ain't the best weapon. It's teamwork. A team of at least two people with pistols is going to do much better than just one jerk with a shotgun. Working with others is gonna get you far, and the best part is that nothing can sneak up on you if your back is turned... Of course, there are exceptions. For someone who's indestructible like me, teamwork is optional. But you, you're just a bunch of kids! You can't go around gung-hoe, trying to kill every zombie around! So believe me when I say that it's best -
Hey. You two. Shut up. I HATE interruptions. You talk again and I’m taking both you down. No I don’t care if you’re five times smaller than me, I don’t have to put up with this crap! Where the hell was I? Damn - you see?! Look at what you did! Now I lost my place! If you kept your goddamn holes shut I’d probably know where I was! Hope you’re real proud of yourself! Hope you're real proud!
Uhh… crap. What time is it? It’s only been ten minutes?! You kidding me?!! Alright - here’s the deal. I’m going to let you punks go early. Daddy’s got an appointment with Dr. Daniels, but keep this, ALL of this to yourselves. If any of you spill the beans I’m making everyone here scrub the damn cafeteria! With toothbrushes! And yes I can do that, don’t tempt me. Go on, get out of here.
… I hate camp.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hanna Falk Cross
Series: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name
Character Age: 24
Job: Ghost Bait
Canon: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name is a webcomic that follows the adventures of a semi-professional part time paranormal investigator, his undead, nameless partner (our narrator), and the people--for certain definitions of "people" that include vampires, werewolves, and who knows what else--they manage to drag into their messes. And our heroes' weapons of choice to battle against supernatural baddies? A hammer, a permanent marker, and a whole lot of optimism.
Hanna is the alive half of the pair, with a knack for rushing headfirst into danger and an insane enthusiasm for his job that doesn't quite make up for the fact that he's not that great at it. He seems to find a reason to get excited about pretty much anything, and while he's friendly, his upbeat, chipper attitude, chattiness, and short attention span sometimes tip him over into "overeager and obnoxious" territory. He looks and acts like a teenager (or sometimes a little kid), and seems a little naive, especially when it comes to dealing with people's paranormal woes. Hanna does what he does because someone has to--maybe he's not always the best person for the job, but if he can help, even a little, he's going to try, damnit. He might not be the smoothest friend you could ask for, or the strongest, or the smartest, but he's by far and away the most loyal.
Sample Post:
Err, right! Let's get this party started! I'm Hanna, and I'm here to help you live peacefully with humans! Or... the non-ghosty? Still living? Is that offensive? Anyway! I know a lot of people pass right by--or, you know, through--you guys, or don't wanna take the time to educate themselves or whatever, so! I'm gonna try to set down some ground rules for everybody and hopefully that'll make things run smooth, like peanut butter. And who doesn't like peanut butter, right? Not this guy.
Double negatives. Tricky. Heh! I know you're all probably like, ew, who's this jerk trying to tell us what to do? But I'm just making sure you guys stay on good terms with everybody else here. It's about time somebody paid attention to you, anyway! I mean, jeez, just because there're super conspicuous zombies wandering around shouldn't mean you guys get the auto-shaft, even if you're outnumbered like whoa. So for any spirits, uh, spectres, ghosts, et cetera out there in the audience--this one's for you? Which sounds like a really cool song dedication or something when I'm actually just here to rain on your parade, probably. But it's not that bad, I promise! There are basically just two, itty-bitty rule-ish guidelines.
I'm gonna start off with the biggest one, and that's don't possess people without their permission. Nnnot to stereotype, or anything like that! But "no means no" is kind of a big deal when you're living--err, corporeal?--and since at this point you guys can literally go inside people, that prooobably shouldn't change. Even if you might not be, I pinky promise personal space bubbles are still alive and kicking.
Oh man I'm sorry that was really bad. I--I'll stop. Um! Rule number two is like a lot of tiny rules crammed into one, but it all falls under the good ol' umbrella of "come on, can we pretty pretty please not spook poor, unsuspecting people." Because that's important! I know some of you are totally non-creepy and friendly, but there's a few of you who do stuff like, you know. Hover around beds when somebody's sleeping, pass through the shower door and pretty much make people crap themselves--you get the idea. I know you're looking for attention and peace of mind and eternal rest, or maybe none of the above and you're just being a dick, but either way, seriously? Popping out of nowhere when somebody's trying to pee is never a good way to make friends. Trust me on that one!
Poll Vote!
Character: Doc Worth
Series: Hanna is Not a Boy's Name
Age: Early-mid Thirties
Job: Back-Alley Pediatrician
Canon: Once upon a time there was an angry young girl named Hanna. Or at least, that's what you'd assume upon seeing the business card of this unnamed city's top part-time paranormal investigator. But as one recently deceased amnesiac zombie finds out, Hanna is not a girl at all. He is, in fact, an absurdly chipper man-child armed against the supernatural with a hammer, a "magic" marker, and a number of questionable contacts.
Included in these contacts, and trusted by Hanna for reasons that aren't exactly clear to anyone, Doc Worth is the go-to guy for paranormal medicine. And verbal abuse. And cockroaches. And probably tetanus (contracting, not curing). Worth is an almost (read: not even remotely) certified med school drop out, magical drug addict, masochist, possibly Australian, and all-around huge skeeze. But under his arguably unwashed exterior he's hiding... the fact that he really is kind of a dick! But whatever, he seems to honestly care about Hanna and friends. And in the end, it's really just the thought that counts, right?
Sample Post:
Right. If I'm gonna be treatin' any of ya sorry sobs, yer gonna knock it off with tellin' me I smell like th' swamp an' it's makin' you pine fer th' fjords of Louisiana or whatever. Fer starters, I don't see any fuckin' swamp 'round here, so I haven't got a damn clue what yer talkin' about. An' maybe, jes' maybe I wouldn't smell so bad if y' lot weren't drippin' entrails all over my jacket! Now put that arm back in it's damn socket an' fer chrissakes stop chewin' on it and we'll get down to business.
Speakin' of business, let's get the formalities outta th' way. Name's Worth. Doc Worth t' you, if I'm stuck patchin' you up every time some big nasty takes a swing at ya. Accordin' t' this incredibly helpful little note here, I'm yer new pediatrician. Not technically my usual line of work, but close enough! So line up, kiddies! The good Doc's probably got a lolly or something in his pockets-- wait, no, that's a cigarette... bit of lint... syringe... ooh, that was prob'ly a finger once upon a time! Wonder where that came from. Looks like you're out of luck, so you'll just hafta be good so I don't borrow a kidney or two while I've got ya knocked out.
Wot? 'Course I'm gonna knock ya out! What sort of doctor doesn't hand out anaesthetics free-ish with every surgery? Hacks, that's what. An' contrary to popular opinion, I'm no hack. Don't even try an' make some stupid pun about hacksaws, either, 'cos it's not funny. Medicine's no laughin' matter. 'Cept if you've been samplin' the nitrous, then it's hilarious and--
Oh, come on now, don't start that knockin' people out jes' to "steal" their organs is against th' hippocratic oath nonsense. I already said I'm knockin' you out fer yer own good. An' I'm th' one who actually bothered showin' up for a couple classes in med school, not you, arright? That doesn't have anythin' to do with hippos anyway, so while the fact that yeh've managed to find one in the middle of fuckin' farm country is impressive, it's not gonna stop me makin' a little money on the side. Besides, it's not like you were USIN' both of those anyway. Trust me, I'm basically a doctor.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Sophie Devereaux
Series: Leverage
Character Age: Late thirties to early forties.
Counselor Job: Theatre Counselor
Canon: What would you do if you’d fallen awry of a malevolent CEO or a bully from the mob? The smart call Leverage Consulting & Associates, a group of criminals who act for the common good. Led by self-proclaimed honest man Nate Ford, the group of five all specialise in different areas - retrieval (and good old fashioned violence), hacking, burglary, and con artistry. Successful on their own, the team become a dynamite force when working as a group - between them, they stick it to the corporations over and over.
Sophie Devereaux is an accomplished con artist, or “grifter”. She originates from Britain, but you can’t always tell - Sophie can imitate many accents and fluently speak in many languages. One might be forgiven for thinking she’s a fantastic actress -- such, in fact, isn’t true. She’s a rubbish actress on the stage. But while she’s on the con, she’s one of the most frightening con artists around, inspiring awe and even fear by reputation from other criminals. The problem with Sophie is that she’s been on the con for so long that even she struggles to remember what is really her, and what is the lie. Her real life is veiled in secrecy - even the identity she uses with the team, “Sophie”, is a pseudonym. Despite this detachment, Sophie is warm-hearted, compassionate and strong-willed with an intuitive grasp on the needs and feelings of others. She is loyal to the team, despite a setback or two, and more importantly she has an emotional understanding of the people she works with - something that their mastermind, Nate, often lacks.
Sample Post:
Let me tell you about my morning. I trekked through the fields, undeterred even by the scarecrow with a strap-on. Do you know why? Because your loving Director, Elizabeth Sayre, wrote to me and told me that I was needed; that you all need to learn the true meaning of drama. So I battled my way through the pools of blood emanating from the showers, only to find you lot. Do you know how you get blood out of Jimmy Choos? You don’t. So I was hoping to find something a bit more impressive in my first class. I’m not being rude. But you really are just a bunch of bloody corpses.
Saying that, I’m not a quitter. There are avenues we can follow here. It seems to me that once you’re dead, you can only fulfill the role of being dead as best you can. It’s like being typecast, except you can’t really shake it off by switching your genre or playing a crossdresser. Though I notice some of you have tried that. Who would have thought peeling skin would go so well with a tutu? Either way, we’ll get to the accessorising later. We have a lot of work to do.
First of all: do you know what I noticed as I walked through this camp? The people here just aren’t scared of you. And you know why, don’t you? Not enough commitment, I’m afraid. Think of it this way. You’re all dead. By the looks of you, it wasn’t a comfortable way to go. Now as morbid and bizarre as it is to say, I don’t think I would spend my unlife shuffling about and half-heartedly muttering “brains” now and then. Your groans don’t sound like anguish to me, everyone! They sound like apathy. Nobody’s afraid of apathy. Nobody is chilled to the bone by ennui. We need some genuine misery here, people. Some real malevolence! Now raise your arms in front of you at a ninety-degree angle and repeat after me: braaaaaaaaaaaains. Braaaaaaaaaaaains.
We’re getting there! Just give it a little more punch. Acting is all about emotion, I promise you. There’s no such thing as melodrama. I don’t care what the newspapers have to say. Right, your homework for the week is to scare at least five campers. I mean, really scare. Keep them awake at night. Obviously, no actual devouring of the viscera - we are acting, after all - but do try to be convincing. I really do want you all to succeed in this, so please try your hardest. Class dismissed! Though -- anyone who can tell me just a little more about the “world’s best security system” will get some extra credit.
Poll Vote!