less than awesome
So today just hasn't been a good day. I mean, it's been one of those days that started off as a bad hair day and just escalated from there.
This morning was good. I woke up in a good mood, read my Rolling Stone, and did some normal morning stuff. Jen wasn't here last night, so I was able to turn the light on and basically do whatever I wanted, not having to worry about waking her up. I went to lunch with Lefty, and it was still a pretty good day. I got back here and Timmy was in a bad mood about some RuneScape stuff. I tried to help; there was nothing I could do. So he continued helping me on the quest I was doing. Then a friend of mine who I said I'd do the last part of the quest with signed on to do the quest and was waiting for me where I needed to be. I followed his and Timmy's instructions and headed over to where he was. Well, surprise, I wasn't supposed to go there yet. So I had to go back, and go through all these other steps to finally get to where I needed to be.
I know, it's just a silly online game. Why should I get upset? It's when I have to go through unnecessary steps and then am made to feel inferior that I get upset. I was made to feel like this friend of mine was only using me for the quest. I know, that was the purpose, but he's such a higher level than me, and he made it apparent that he thought I couldn't do it myself. Maybe it would've taken me a bit longer on my own, but I've gotten to where I am in that game by mostly my own efforts. Maybe he thought that I got where I am relying on help from Timmy. Yes, Timmy has helped me, but I don't rely on it. I get my levels up by training, just like everyone else. I do quests on my own, with no help from anyone. I have the ability to train one skill for hours without getting bored. Somehow, I think this works to detriment other people's opinions of me in the game.
Regardless, I got frustrated, which only made it seem like I was even more incapable of doing it on my own. It doesn't help that I'm so friggin' alone up here. Kristy and Lefty are gone. Timmy doesn't go to school here. My roommate has been gone all weekend. I'm alone. When I did need advice about what to do in the game, Timmy was too busy doing something else, so I was getting more frustrated waiting for him to help me while someone was waiting on me. Then he went off to play guitar. Then he's going out tonight with a friend. I don't care, I told him he could do both of those things. Why wouldn't I let him hang out with friends or play guitar? It's just hard being so alone and feeling so inferior.
Maybe I'm just lacking sleep. I was up late last night helping a couple of friends sort out an issue. I don't know.
And on a different note, I'm getting really sick of seeing Matt everywhere and seeing the obvious effort he puts into avoiding something as simple as eye contact. This is nothing against him. Honestly, it's me. I wish I knew what was going through his head when we pass each other. I imagine that he hates me pretty badly. I think it's safe to say I deserve it. I spent more than a year of my life with him. We went through a lot, and obviously, I will always care about him. I know that I will never go back to him and I'm not expecting to even become friends again, I just wish I could know what he was thinking sometimes. Does he hate every particle of my being? Does he hate how it all went down? Is he ashamed, embarassed, or just plain hurt? I can't know. I'm not meant to know. I just can't help but think about it.
I know that I've done my fair share of badmouthing him to those that I'm close to. He doesn't deserve it. I'm the one who broke his heart. My own heart was broken long before I left him, but that has nothing to do with this. From now on, I will do my best to not speak about him to anyone, except in anecdotal form, to give advice, for example. I will not badmouth him and I will not mention him except for in the situations I just stated. I know I moved on a long time ago, but honestly, I think that a part of me is still in high school. Does that make me a bit of a hypocrite? Probably. Honestly, though, who isn't at least a little bit hypocritical. If he reads this, or if a friend of his tells him about it, I want him to know that I'm sorry and that I do still think about him. I care about him and I always will.
Timmy is my heart and my soul. If there is such thing as soul mates, he's it. I do expect that we will be together forever. I can't explain it; I just know. It's nothing that can be explained or that needs to be explained. I still think about all of my exes sometimes. I'm still fairly good friends with one of them, and am on at least speaking terms with all but two. No relationship ever completely goes away. This is true with everyone. Each person you've been with will always have at least a small part of your heart. My relationship with Matt was the longest and most serious of all the relationships I've had. It's understandable that I would still think about him, especially given the way things ended.
I'm sorry, I know I have a tendency to write a lot when I post an entry. I just generally don't post when I don't have much to say. I post when I have a lot to say. I hope this was all coherent and I hope that I am understood.
This morning was good. I woke up in a good mood, read my Rolling Stone, and did some normal morning stuff. Jen wasn't here last night, so I was able to turn the light on and basically do whatever I wanted, not having to worry about waking her up. I went to lunch with Lefty, and it was still a pretty good day. I got back here and Timmy was in a bad mood about some RuneScape stuff. I tried to help; there was nothing I could do. So he continued helping me on the quest I was doing. Then a friend of mine who I said I'd do the last part of the quest with signed on to do the quest and was waiting for me where I needed to be. I followed his and Timmy's instructions and headed over to where he was. Well, surprise, I wasn't supposed to go there yet. So I had to go back, and go through all these other steps to finally get to where I needed to be.
I know, it's just a silly online game. Why should I get upset? It's when I have to go through unnecessary steps and then am made to feel inferior that I get upset. I was made to feel like this friend of mine was only using me for the quest. I know, that was the purpose, but he's such a higher level than me, and he made it apparent that he thought I couldn't do it myself. Maybe it would've taken me a bit longer on my own, but I've gotten to where I am in that game by mostly my own efforts. Maybe he thought that I got where I am relying on help from Timmy. Yes, Timmy has helped me, but I don't rely on it. I get my levels up by training, just like everyone else. I do quests on my own, with no help from anyone. I have the ability to train one skill for hours without getting bored. Somehow, I think this works to detriment other people's opinions of me in the game.
Regardless, I got frustrated, which only made it seem like I was even more incapable of doing it on my own. It doesn't help that I'm so friggin' alone up here. Kristy and Lefty are gone. Timmy doesn't go to school here. My roommate has been gone all weekend. I'm alone. When I did need advice about what to do in the game, Timmy was too busy doing something else, so I was getting more frustrated waiting for him to help me while someone was waiting on me. Then he went off to play guitar. Then he's going out tonight with a friend. I don't care, I told him he could do both of those things. Why wouldn't I let him hang out with friends or play guitar? It's just hard being so alone and feeling so inferior.
Maybe I'm just lacking sleep. I was up late last night helping a couple of friends sort out an issue. I don't know.
And on a different note, I'm getting really sick of seeing Matt everywhere and seeing the obvious effort he puts into avoiding something as simple as eye contact. This is nothing against him. Honestly, it's me. I wish I knew what was going through his head when we pass each other. I imagine that he hates me pretty badly. I think it's safe to say I deserve it. I spent more than a year of my life with him. We went through a lot, and obviously, I will always care about him. I know that I will never go back to him and I'm not expecting to even become friends again, I just wish I could know what he was thinking sometimes. Does he hate every particle of my being? Does he hate how it all went down? Is he ashamed, embarassed, or just plain hurt? I can't know. I'm not meant to know. I just can't help but think about it.
I know that I've done my fair share of badmouthing him to those that I'm close to. He doesn't deserve it. I'm the one who broke his heart. My own heart was broken long before I left him, but that has nothing to do with this. From now on, I will do my best to not speak about him to anyone, except in anecdotal form, to give advice, for example. I will not badmouth him and I will not mention him except for in the situations I just stated. I know I moved on a long time ago, but honestly, I think that a part of me is still in high school. Does that make me a bit of a hypocrite? Probably. Honestly, though, who isn't at least a little bit hypocritical. If he reads this, or if a friend of his tells him about it, I want him to know that I'm sorry and that I do still think about him. I care about him and I always will.
Timmy is my heart and my soul. If there is such thing as soul mates, he's it. I do expect that we will be together forever. I can't explain it; I just know. It's nothing that can be explained or that needs to be explained. I still think about all of my exes sometimes. I'm still fairly good friends with one of them, and am on at least speaking terms with all but two. No relationship ever completely goes away. This is true with everyone. Each person you've been with will always have at least a small part of your heart. My relationship with Matt was the longest and most serious of all the relationships I've had. It's understandable that I would still think about him, especially given the way things ended.
I'm sorry, I know I have a tendency to write a lot when I post an entry. I just generally don't post when I don't have much to say. I post when I have a lot to say. I hope this was all coherent and I hope that I am understood.