this is another post full of dead asians i want you to app.
Hello again, camp. You may remember a while ago, I told you about how Dynasty Warriors 7 is awesome and you should play it, and then I pimped like fifteen people and lost stamina, and thus did not do the other forty-something that were left.
Can you guess where this post is going?
To briefly recap the plot: third century China, there are three kingdoms, lots of war. WHOO.
The kingdom of Shu are the underdogs of the conflict. In fact, at one point in the novel, Zhuge Liang is outlining the advantages of each kingdom to Liu Bei. Wei has control of the emperor and massive advantages in numbers; Wu has excellent natural barriers that make it easily defensible. And what does he say Shu has? Loyalty.
...yeah. Shu is the last kingdom to even gain a chunk of land to operate from, they are the smallest and least populated, and their land is full of mountains so they have a hard time feeding everybody, but by god Shu men are really freaking loyal, and they're all deeply committed to helping their lord realize his dream of A LAND OF BENEVOLENCE. To the point where "benevolence" has become synonymous with "drinking game" for fans of the series. (If you consider the cultural and historical context, it does make them sound a little less ridiculous, and a little more like they're just really enthusiastic Confucians, but I digress.)
In short: if you like justice-and-honor types, loyal vassals, or hippies who just want to make the world a better place by fighting things a lot, Shu may be right up your alley.
App any of these fine people and I will cheerfully devote myself to thinking of awful benevolence portmanteau usernames for you. In fact, I already have a few on standby.
Those who stand in the way of virtue shall fail!
Liu Bei (counselor, 31...no, really) is our lord and fearless leader, and the kind of character you'll probably either love or hate. He is a noble young man, vaguely related to the ruling Han dynasty, who is deeply compassionate and doesn't want to see the people suffer. While Cao Cao is standing around in the early battles preparing his badass speeches and contemplating tactics, Liu Bei is over there in the gutter holding some poor soldier's head so he can puke. He's ridiculously naive, however. (And in the novel, he bursts into tears like every five pages.)
App Liu Bei if you want to tenderly care for zombies, go on heroic speeches about restoring the glory of the Han dynasty and creating a land of benevolence, and if you want Jiang Wei to follow you around like a lost puppy.
Also, he punts babies.
There is no greater weapon than a prepared mind.
Zhuge Liang (counselor, 22) is Liu Bei's trusted strategist, later the Prime Minister of Shu, and the patron saint of JUST AS PLANNED. He's a freaking genius, both militarily and in domestic affairs. He comes up with amazing strategies and constantly owns the shit out of everybody and is basically the main reason Shu is able to actually compete with the other two kingdoms to begin with, because everything awesome they do is usually his idea. Wei soldiers cry themselves to sleep at night thinking about what he's going to do with them.
If I sound like I'm overhyping Zhuge Liang, that's because canon does it too. He's portrayed as STRATEGY JESUS and I'm really not even kidding. By apping him you also get to tell Jiang Wei how high to jump and how many sandwiches you want him to make, and by god he will make it happen because you said so, Prime Minister. There are not even words for how much I'd love to have a Zhuge Liang in camp.
Also, he shoots lasers. And sends gifts of women's clothing to enemy generals. And he once verbally owned a guy so hard the dude fell off his horse and died of shame right there on the spot. Have I convinced you yet?
edit; also, Hawke would like you to app Zhuge Liang so she can punch him in the face. FREE CROSS-CANON CR!
Concentrate on fulfilling your duty and you will find your path.
Zhao Yun (counselor, 24) is the poster boy for Dynasty Warriors, a ridiculously pretty young general who is completely gay for devoted to Liu Bei and who does all kinds of ridiculously awesome and badass things without breaking a sweat. He's very straightforward, textbook heroic bodyguard.
The opening movie of DW7 features him running up the side of a cliff wall, kicking a horse in the face, and then sliding down a waterfall while dual-wielding a sword and a crossbow. All while carrying a baby.
It looks like it's time for me to crack some skulls!
Zhang Fei (counselor, 27) is one of Liu Bei's sworn brothers, a former butcher who will kick your ass five ways from Sunday. He's a loud, blustery drunk with a bad temper and he can be pretty insulting sometimes, but he means well, really!
He is also a hilarious and adorable father who threatens to beat up anybody who looks at his little girl wrong, and then his little girl is like "uhhhhh yeah dad CAN YOU NOT :|"
I claim another victory in the name of my brother!
Guan Yu (counselor, 30) is so badass he was later canonized as a god. He's nearly seven feet of pride, asskicking, and beard. (His beard is independently famous, and Cao Cao once gave him a very nicely made brocade sack to wear over it when it gets cold, so it doesn't freeze off.) He's Liu Bei and Zhang Fei's other sworn brother. Cao Cao has a ~thing~ for him and keeps trying to seduce him over to join Wei, but Guan Yu is havin' none of that shit. And then Cao Cao's generals act like jealous ex-girlfriends.
I fight in the name of justice!
Ma Chao (camper, 21) was obsessed with justice before being obsessed with justice was cool. He's also known as Ma Chao the Splendid, and is determined to avenge his father's death come hell or high water. As a warrior from Xiliang, known for its cavalry, he is one of the most talented riders in the game.
I'm only here to fulfill my duty. Nothing more, nothing less.
Xing Cai (camper, 19) is Zhang Fei's daughter. She can top basically anybody in second-gen Shu effortlessly. Her husband thinks she is more terrifying than Zhao Yun, and she doesn't even have to kick any horses in the face before he says so. (That husband, incidentally, is Liu Shan, Liu Bei's son and the second emperor of Shu. So even if she couldn't top them all individually, Xing Cai still tops everyone in Shu by default. But she doesn't need to top by default because she is that badass.)
She is calm, controlled, and very wears-the-pants. Basically Xing Cai is really wonderful and everyone should love her as much as I do.
Now let's show these whelps how real men fight!
Huang Zhong (counselor, 62) wants you damned kids to get off his lawn. He is old! But if you insult him because of it, or imply that he's getting a little too long in the tooth for the battlefield, prepare for him to prove you wrong in a most dramatic fashion, because he won't stand for assaults on his ego by you young whippersnappers.
He is also an amazing archer, despite the fact that you'd think he'd be worried about going blind by now.
I long for a world where there are no wars... I can only hope my inventions will help serve that purpose.
Yue Ying (counselor, 23) is Zhuge Liang's wife. Historically she was said to be unattractive (though in video game land we of course can't have that), but Zhuge Liang loved her for her brilliant mind, and in the game she serves as Shu's resident gadgeteer, inventing all kinds of crazy-awesome machines of war. The easiest way to figure out who in a room has played a DW game: mention "juggernauts" and see who bursts into tears.
She is also apparently a good cook, and is going to make Zhuge Liang fat. She's calm and smart and awesome and yes.
I suppose it's time I took a little stroll around the battlefield.
Pang Tong (counselor, 32) is a strategist who once studied under the same master as Zhuge Liang, so they're old buds. He is a bit of a dick who has a kind of lazy devil-may-care wisecracking attitude. He's also supposedly very ugly, to the point where people got kind of repulsed by his attitude and his face without even giving him a chance to show his talents, which is probably why he keeps his face obscured in DW canon.
Pang Tong is the kind of character I just look at and think "holy shit, that would be so fun to play!" except I don't think I have the wit it would take to pull him off. You should app him so I can live vicariously through you.
You... alone... You... die...
Wei Yan (counselor, 37) is...well. He's super-loyal to Liu Bei, kind of hates Zhuge Liang, and for unknown reasons he is portrayed in DW as a kind of barbarian with barely any grasp on human communication; he always wears a mask and "SPEAKS...LIKE....THIS........." in very simple sentences. So that's an app I don't even wanna think about writing, man.
But DW7 makes a lot of sneaky novel references regarding Wei Yan that kind of made me want to cry. :(
Father... I swear I will try to surpass you one day!
Guan Ping (camper, 19) is the adopted son of Guan Yu. (For some reason he looks more like his daddy than Guan Yu's blood son Guan Suo does. What happened there, Koei?) He's a very serious, polite young man who trains hard and constantly tries to push himself to his limits in hopes of living up to his daddy's name. He also has a raging boner for Xing Cai.
And copypasta here from my previous post, because I know I pimped them before but a Shu post feels incomplete without them:
Why are you running? You're not afraid of little old me, are you?
Bao Sanniang (camper) is a goddamned catgirl.
Come on, everyone! Don't let me show you all up!
Ma Dai (counselor) is awesome. He's a laidback bro with some of the best battle chatter in the game, who beats people up with a giant paintbrush. He describes himself as the kind of guy who'll complete his duty no matter what, even if it means he's got to carry out the orders nobody else wants to handle. But he's not all that vocal about it, either -- he just gets out there, is cheerful as hell, and tells everybody not to get so serious they forget to have fun out there!
...yeah, I almost apped him instead, ngl. Shu could use a slightly less obsessive representative in camp, guys! Ma Dai never breathes a word about benevolence so you don't have to be as annoying as me when you play him!
I fight in the name of virtue! Or at least I'm trying to...
Liu Shan (camper) is dapper as fuck. And much more tolerable than he was in the novel, if you (like me) read it and went "GOD, THIS GUY IS THE BIGGEST TOOL EVER." Instead he just kind of looks high all the time, and...well, okay, I guess you might still think he's a tool depending on how you feel about the Jin ending, but hey! At least he's got that awesome pimprobe.
He's the second emperor of Shu, which means you automatically get Jiang Wei as a protector/babysitter/loyal peon. He becomes bros with Zhao after surrendering to him, so you also get a drinking buddy/dude to laze around with/something like that idk. He is hilariously terrified of his wife (in conquest mode, he asks his kingdom's legendary badass to train him how to fight...so his wife won't kill him).
And you get a billion horrible jokes about babypunting.
If my father were here, I know that he would be proud of me!
Guan Suo (camper) is the third son of memetic badass Guan Yu, husband to Bao Sanniang, and kind of adorable. He's supposedly ~popular with the ladies~, which I'm willing to bet has something to do with how he ended up wearing a little pink flower in his hat. If you're pinged by nice guys who just want to live up to their daddies' legacies, he may be the character for you.
He also has this one line about how he's the foundation of Jiang Wei's strategies. No wonder we lost the war. ...I'M JUST KIDDING GUYS. I really love Guan Suo, somebody app him and be the cutest nunchaku-asskicker known to man.
And that's probably the last I'm going to pimp for a while because you're all sick of it there are too many goddamned people in my canon, but I couldn't in good conscience stop before I pimped my own kingdom. Not after pimping for all those Jin people last time. :'(
Can you guess where this post is going?
To briefly recap the plot: third century China, there are three kingdoms, lots of war. WHOO.
The kingdom of Shu are the underdogs of the conflict. In fact, at one point in the novel, Zhuge Liang is outlining the advantages of each kingdom to Liu Bei. Wei has control of the emperor and massive advantages in numbers; Wu has excellent natural barriers that make it easily defensible. And what does he say Shu has? Loyalty.
...yeah. Shu is the last kingdom to even gain a chunk of land to operate from, they are the smallest and least populated, and their land is full of mountains so they have a hard time feeding everybody, but by god Shu men are really freaking loyal, and they're all deeply committed to helping their lord realize his dream of A LAND OF BENEVOLENCE. To the point where "benevolence" has become synonymous with "drinking game" for fans of the series. (If you consider the cultural and historical context, it does make them sound a little less ridiculous, and a little more like they're just really enthusiastic Confucians, but I digress.)
In short: if you like justice-and-honor types, loyal vassals, or hippies who just want to make the world a better place by fighting things a lot, Shu may be right up your alley.
App any of these fine people and I will cheerfully devote myself to thinking of awful benevolence portmanteau usernames for you. In fact, I already have a few on standby.
Those who stand in the way of virtue shall fail!
Liu Bei (counselor, 31...no, really) is our lord and fearless leader, and the kind of character you'll probably either love or hate. He is a noble young man, vaguely related to the ruling Han dynasty, who is deeply compassionate and doesn't want to see the people suffer. While Cao Cao is standing around in the early battles preparing his badass speeches and contemplating tactics, Liu Bei is over there in the gutter holding some poor soldier's head so he can puke. He's ridiculously naive, however. (And in the novel, he bursts into tears like every five pages.)
App Liu Bei if you want to tenderly care for zombies, go on heroic speeches about restoring the glory of the Han dynasty and creating a land of benevolence, and if you want Jiang Wei to follow you around like a lost puppy.
Also, he punts babies.
There is no greater weapon than a prepared mind.
Zhuge Liang (counselor, 22) is Liu Bei's trusted strategist, later the Prime Minister of Shu, and the patron saint of JUST AS PLANNED. He's a freaking genius, both militarily and in domestic affairs. He comes up with amazing strategies and constantly owns the shit out of everybody and is basically the main reason Shu is able to actually compete with the other two kingdoms to begin with, because everything awesome they do is usually his idea. Wei soldiers cry themselves to sleep at night thinking about what he's going to do with them.
If I sound like I'm overhyping Zhuge Liang, that's because canon does it too. He's portrayed as STRATEGY JESUS and I'm really not even kidding. By apping him you also get to tell Jiang Wei how high to jump and how many sandwiches you want him to make, and by god he will make it happen because you said so, Prime Minister. There are not even words for how much I'd love to have a Zhuge Liang in camp.
Also, he shoots lasers. And sends gifts of women's clothing to enemy generals. And he once verbally owned a guy so hard the dude fell off his horse and died of shame right there on the spot. Have I convinced you yet?
edit; also, Hawke would like you to app Zhuge Liang so she can punch him in the face. FREE CROSS-CANON CR!
Concentrate on fulfilling your duty and you will find your path.
Zhao Yun (counselor, 24) is the poster boy for Dynasty Warriors, a ridiculously pretty young general who is completely gay for devoted to Liu Bei and who does all kinds of ridiculously awesome and badass things without breaking a sweat. He's very straightforward, textbook heroic bodyguard.
The opening movie of DW7 features him running up the side of a cliff wall, kicking a horse in the face, and then sliding down a waterfall while dual-wielding a sword and a crossbow. All while carrying a baby.
It looks like it's time for me to crack some skulls!
Zhang Fei (counselor, 27) is one of Liu Bei's sworn brothers, a former butcher who will kick your ass five ways from Sunday. He's a loud, blustery drunk with a bad temper and he can be pretty insulting sometimes, but he means well, really!
He is also a hilarious and adorable father who threatens to beat up anybody who looks at his little girl wrong, and then his little girl is like "uhhhhh yeah dad CAN YOU NOT :|"
I claim another victory in the name of my brother!
Guan Yu (counselor, 30) is so badass he was later canonized as a god. He's nearly seven feet of pride, asskicking, and beard. (His beard is independently famous, and Cao Cao once gave him a very nicely made brocade sack to wear over it when it gets cold, so it doesn't freeze off.) He's Liu Bei and Zhang Fei's other sworn brother. Cao Cao has a ~thing~ for him and keeps trying to seduce him over to join Wei, but Guan Yu is havin' none of that shit. And then Cao Cao's generals act like jealous ex-girlfriends.
I fight in the name of justice!
Ma Chao (camper, 21) was obsessed with justice before being obsessed with justice was cool. He's also known as Ma Chao the Splendid, and is determined to avenge his father's death come hell or high water. As a warrior from Xiliang, known for its cavalry, he is one of the most talented riders in the game.
I'm only here to fulfill my duty. Nothing more, nothing less.
Xing Cai (camper, 19) is Zhang Fei's daughter. She can top basically anybody in second-gen Shu effortlessly. Her husband thinks she is more terrifying than Zhao Yun, and she doesn't even have to kick any horses in the face before he says so. (That husband, incidentally, is Liu Shan, Liu Bei's son and the second emperor of Shu. So even if she couldn't top them all individually, Xing Cai still tops everyone in Shu by default. But she doesn't need to top by default because she is that badass.)
She is calm, controlled, and very wears-the-pants. Basically Xing Cai is really wonderful and everyone should love her as much as I do.
Now let's show these whelps how real men fight!
Huang Zhong (counselor, 62) wants you damned kids to get off his lawn. He is old! But if you insult him because of it, or imply that he's getting a little too long in the tooth for the battlefield, prepare for him to prove you wrong in a most dramatic fashion, because he won't stand for assaults on his ego by you young whippersnappers.
He is also an amazing archer, despite the fact that you'd think he'd be worried about going blind by now.
I long for a world where there are no wars... I can only hope my inventions will help serve that purpose.
Yue Ying (counselor, 23) is Zhuge Liang's wife. Historically she was said to be unattractive (though in video game land we of course can't have that), but Zhuge Liang loved her for her brilliant mind, and in the game she serves as Shu's resident gadgeteer, inventing all kinds of crazy-awesome machines of war. The easiest way to figure out who in a room has played a DW game: mention "juggernauts" and see who bursts into tears.
She is also apparently a good cook, and is going to make Zhuge Liang fat. She's calm and smart and awesome and yes.
I suppose it's time I took a little stroll around the battlefield.
Pang Tong (counselor, 32) is a strategist who once studied under the same master as Zhuge Liang, so they're old buds. He is a bit of a dick who has a kind of lazy devil-may-care wisecracking attitude. He's also supposedly very ugly, to the point where people got kind of repulsed by his attitude and his face without even giving him a chance to show his talents, which is probably why he keeps his face obscured in DW canon.
Pang Tong is the kind of character I just look at and think "holy shit, that would be so fun to play!" except I don't think I have the wit it would take to pull him off. You should app him so I can live vicariously through you.
You... alone... You... die...
Wei Yan (counselor, 37) is...well. He's super-loyal to Liu Bei, kind of hates Zhuge Liang, and for unknown reasons he is portrayed in DW as a kind of barbarian with barely any grasp on human communication; he always wears a mask and "SPEAKS...LIKE....THIS........." in very simple sentences. So that's an app I don't even wanna think about writing, man.
But DW7 makes a lot of sneaky novel references regarding Wei Yan that kind of made me want to cry. :(
Father... I swear I will try to surpass you one day!
Guan Ping (camper, 19) is the adopted son of Guan Yu. (For some reason he looks more like his daddy than Guan Yu's blood son Guan Suo does. What happened there, Koei?) He's a very serious, polite young man who trains hard and constantly tries to push himself to his limits in hopes of living up to his daddy's name. He also has a raging boner for Xing Cai.
And copypasta here from my previous post, because I know I pimped them before but a Shu post feels incomplete without them:
Why are you running? You're not afraid of little old me, are you?
Bao Sanniang (camper) is a goddamned catgirl.
Come on, everyone! Don't let me show you all up!
Ma Dai (counselor) is awesome. He's a laidback bro with some of the best battle chatter in the game, who beats people up with a giant paintbrush. He describes himself as the kind of guy who'll complete his duty no matter what, even if it means he's got to carry out the orders nobody else wants to handle. But he's not all that vocal about it, either -- he just gets out there, is cheerful as hell, and tells everybody not to get so serious they forget to have fun out there!
...yeah, I almost apped him instead, ngl. Shu could use a slightly less obsessive representative in camp, guys! Ma Dai never breathes a word about benevolence so you don't have to be as annoying as me when you play him!
I fight in the name of virtue! Or at least I'm trying to...
Liu Shan (camper) is dapper as fuck. And much more tolerable than he was in the novel, if you (like me) read it and went "GOD, THIS GUY IS THE BIGGEST TOOL EVER." Instead he just kind of looks high all the time, and...well, okay, I guess you might still think he's a tool depending on how you feel about the Jin ending, but hey! At least he's got that awesome pimprobe.
He's the second emperor of Shu, which means you automatically get Jiang Wei as a protector/babysitter/loyal peon. He becomes bros with Zhao after surrendering to him, so you also get a drinking buddy/dude to laze around with/something like that idk. He is hilariously terrified of his wife (in conquest mode, he asks his kingdom's legendary badass to train him how to fight...so his wife won't kill him).
And you get a billion horrible jokes about babypunting.
If my father were here, I know that he would be proud of me!
Guan Suo (camper) is the third son of memetic badass Guan Yu, husband to Bao Sanniang, and kind of adorable. He's supposedly ~popular with the ladies~, which I'm willing to bet has something to do with how he ended up wearing a little pink flower in his hat. If you're pinged by nice guys who just want to live up to their daddies' legacies, he may be the character for you.
He also has this one line about how he's the foundation of Jiang Wei's strategies. No wonder we lost the war. ...I'M JUST KIDDING GUYS. I really love Guan Suo, somebody app him and be the cutest nunchaku-asskicker known to man.
And that's probably the last I'm going to pimp for a while because you're all sick of it there are too many goddamned people in my canon, but I couldn't in good conscience stop before I pimped my own kingdom. Not after pimping for all those Jin people last time. :'(