Man of 5000: Admit Defeat
Sometimes, you lose when you square off against the man. You wake up one day, wonder where the time went. You're not richer. You're not happier. You're anxious and fearful and your life is going to shit, and the only thing you can say with any certainty is that tomorrow there will be more aggravating, unending work in front of you. And there's always something keeping you from walking out or taking the steps you need to escape. Let's look at my list of some things.
Phase I.: These people don't know what they're doing, but if I wait long enough, I will get hired on with benefits.
Phase II: I've created a system that changes the way we do work, but I haven't gotten anything for it. I need more money if I'm ever going to get ahead in Southern California, but I should probably figure out what I want to do with my life first. And I need to put in some solid time at this job or else I'll look like a flake to future employers.
Phase III: Wow! I got a promotion, but no raise! That sucks balls! And there’s a ton more work! Plus, half of my old job! I should quit, but my girlfriend is having all sorts of troubles and it'd be nice to be able to bring some kind of stability to the household.
Phase IV: I hate how infuriated my job makes me and I keep getting more responsibilities since most of the good employees have quit or are already stacking with too much work. I've been asked to do a lot of flying, and most of the time I have to expense retarded hotel fees. I was asked out to Vegas as a treat and not told until the last day that I had to expense my $300+ resort hotel fee. That sucked! I get all kinds of awards, and there's talk of money increase soon.
Phase V: They game me 85 cents. I waited almost a year for 85 cents. They say more could be coming next month.
Phase VI: I said I'm done if I don't get some help. They hired some help. He's great, but I still need that money for peace of mind. I better hold out until I get it. My girlfriend is not working steadily and is doing graduate school. We might move to Seattle and the company could help me out with that. It'd be best if one of us has a job when we move.
Phase VII: My help has quit, because when his temp-to-hire term was up, the only open positions they offered him were in other offices. That, and the pay were not up to snuff, and there was only a flimsy shot at advancement. Another department within our company made him a better offer. He's gone. I want to leave, too. Still no raise. I told them that I've had it, and they say we'll discuss it straight away.
Phase VIII: My boss has left on vacation. We did not meet to discuss it. She is gone until the end of June. Still too rocky in house to try to get a new job. My friend is here trying to get work. I need to be reliable and dependable until this is over.
The whole point of my last big push was to get tough, punch the corporation in the gut and take some money. They've kicked me in the balls over and over again, and I keep coming back for me. My merit increases have been pitiful. My responsibilities increase almost daily. I am terribly miserable. And I am too drained to find another job, and afraid to find one in this state since we might be moving soon.
What to do? Admit defeat? Leave? Stop pretending that when I got up to the top that someone will notice me and make my life easier? It's not going to happen. It's not that kind of environment. It's not a good company. Period. I can learn a lot in a company like this, but what I can't do is win. I lost. These guys are better than me. They've sucked more out of me than I got back. And I have to stop trying to balance it. And worse, I have to stop trying to be dependable? Who is being dependable for me? Who is reliable for me? The company. It's the only thing I can rely on being what it is, as bad as ever, every day. I could lose love, my home, my money... but as long as I show up there and work, I get paid. There's something so wonderful about that... and it's that thing that keeps me clinging to stupid hopes that it will become easier and more worthwhile.
I have a lot hanging over me, which makes me afraid to create my own drama. Here's the list of dumb excuses, which aren't enough to account for what I'm doing to myself by staying with this company:
1. My girlfriend wants to, no, needs to move to another city or she'll go insane. The company can help me relocate.
2. She has panic attacks, which I really don't know how to deal with, but don't want to add any financial worries to the potential triggers.
3. She's had a lot of job-related stress in her life and has had to take a lot of time to figure out what she needs to do. She's not working consistently, and stresses about debt and her inheritance. So, again, I don't want to add to the stress.
4. We constantly need to be doing stuff, concerts and trips. I'm afraid that if we lost the ability to do as much, we'd be miserable for different reasons, since we're both spoiled on food and entertainment.
There's more beyond this. I keep typing it and deleting it. I guess I'm through. I really can't imagine my life with or without the company. It looks everything has been shaky for a long time. I've given it my all. I don't want to hear why I failed. I don't want to here why things fall apart. I just want them to wash out like a dream. And at best, the best I can hope for, is that I get taken up again... protected by the big faceless company or business.... work. Work is all I can ever get behind. The work of working. The work of being in love. It's all about putting in the effort and making the sacrifice. And I think that gives me some kind of edge, but it doesn't. It just makes me more stunned when life is "unfair", as if it's somehow better when life rips you up, if you can say, "I did my best" and "I hurt the most" and "look at how much I suffered for you", but it's all selfish ego crap, trying to feel like you were right, when the rules change so often that no one could be right all the time. And everyone's got a point, but that's the problem with me, too. I have a point. I have a word. And I've told absolutely everyone to fuck off, because the only thing that's mine is that word. I keep it to myself, and I'm never wrong. I never risk. I never have to hurt. I hate being a man. It seems that it's impossible to be a man and not meet some complete transparent set of "reasons" and "warning signs" that appear in a movie or a magazine about how you're untouchable or unlovable or worse for me. They tell you that you can't love, and that what you feel is not love. And I've heard more things are NOT REAL LOVE in my life that I'm starting to have my doubts.
If I got one thing from my life with Erin, it was faith. I fell in love with someone that I could let change my life. That belief gave me the courage to life my life. I recent everything that's happened with this job for taking me out of that, removing me from myself, pulling me off the project of my own growth... but I'm afraid I can't grow, and I'm afraid I can't grow into what she needs as her needs change. And it hurts so badly, because it feels so unfair... not that kind of "unfair" that I liked to create so I could feel better about losing, so my ego wouldn't take too big a hit... It's unfair, because I really want this.. Worse is that I believe in it. I believe in us, our future, our happiness together. Adventure. Warmth. I can't give that up. It's awful, but the first thing I've felt in months is this horrible sensation that my heart is breaking.
I hate myself so much for being so angry, bitter, jealous, and mean. And I'm sure that fact that I haven't said anything about how proud I am of her and how excited I am for her is evidence enough that there's a problem. I am proud. I am excited. But it's still me versus the world, and as she moves to it, loves it, and is loved in return, I realize how pointless and pathetic I am. I don't love the world, because I am jealous of the whole thing, and of all the people who can feel things, and can get off their lazy ass and make a change in their lives.
I think it's a pent-up feeling of "What About Me?" that isn't getting out. It's poisoning me and my life. I can't be happy for anyone. I can't be happy with anything, until I can take care of that. I tried not caring about myself. I tried quitting while I was ahead. I just wish someone still believed me that after all, somewhere in my core, is a person of worth, someone who is coming together, and not falling apart. Someone with a perfect spark that cannot be put out. I want to be like her. I love her so much. She stands out for me from all other things in life. She can be responsible to the truth, and still dare to listen to her feelings. She can love easy, and she can love with all the pressure and sharpness of a heart burning with desire. Living with her is like walking slowly on fire, and learning it is what you're good at it, it is what you were meant to do. She etches you into herself, she bends and accepts the better parts of everyone as her own, and she keeps you inside of her as if you're a part of the energy that keeps her breathing. She can do anything she wants to, and she can do anything she has to. What I love the most about her has always been her joyfulness and her intensity. Being around her is like being exposed to the raw energy of life. I feel like a child, dumb, stupidly hateful and hurt, and harmless... and she's a woman. A brilliant goddess, so above the common person, but so loving of all people, so ambitiously trading her love with the world around her... and I don't. I lob a solid rock of contempt ever now and again, and somewhere in the middle is a plea or a wish. All these beautiful things that I don't appreciate. I'm still so bitter after all. And I don't know how to be happy. I act like it's my responsibility to be hard... truthful... leave life to people who live. Leave her to the people who make her come alive. And there's a reason I've been an outsider. I'm really not much of a man. And I wish that I had the kitchen sink to throw to get out there where life happens and make a wild play for her heart. It's supposed to be what I'm good at, but has it always just been a construction, a skill, a magic trick that wears off, and behind it all, it's just a hat with a very uncomfortable rabbit in it... I dunno... my father seems to think so. As if we were all just the some of our tricks. And my mother acted like she could see through them all, and told me that I'm not capable of love, and so it's been a strange combination of loving out of some internal generator and loving like the underdog in a great vicious Shakespearean drama. I won't go down unless I go down in a blaze of glory, and if I win, it'll be luck and bullshit combined.... That's all I am, maybe, luck and bullshit. Win and Lose. Is there really anything you have, except time? I've lost the time, and if I ask myself where it went, and what typifies the time. It's this stupid struggle with this dumb company first, and then everything else as supported in the results.
I admit that I fucked up. I'm sorry. I will scratch it off, and try something different.
Phase I.: These people don't know what they're doing, but if I wait long enough, I will get hired on with benefits.
Phase II: I've created a system that changes the way we do work, but I haven't gotten anything for it. I need more money if I'm ever going to get ahead in Southern California, but I should probably figure out what I want to do with my life first. And I need to put in some solid time at this job or else I'll look like a flake to future employers.
Phase III: Wow! I got a promotion, but no raise! That sucks balls! And there’s a ton more work! Plus, half of my old job! I should quit, but my girlfriend is having all sorts of troubles and it'd be nice to be able to bring some kind of stability to the household.
Phase IV: I hate how infuriated my job makes me and I keep getting more responsibilities since most of the good employees have quit or are already stacking with too much work. I've been asked to do a lot of flying, and most of the time I have to expense retarded hotel fees. I was asked out to Vegas as a treat and not told until the last day that I had to expense my $300+ resort hotel fee. That sucked! I get all kinds of awards, and there's talk of money increase soon.
Phase V: They game me 85 cents. I waited almost a year for 85 cents. They say more could be coming next month.
Phase VI: I said I'm done if I don't get some help. They hired some help. He's great, but I still need that money for peace of mind. I better hold out until I get it. My girlfriend is not working steadily and is doing graduate school. We might move to Seattle and the company could help me out with that. It'd be best if one of us has a job when we move.
Phase VII: My help has quit, because when his temp-to-hire term was up, the only open positions they offered him were in other offices. That, and the pay were not up to snuff, and there was only a flimsy shot at advancement. Another department within our company made him a better offer. He's gone. I want to leave, too. Still no raise. I told them that I've had it, and they say we'll discuss it straight away.
Phase VIII: My boss has left on vacation. We did not meet to discuss it. She is gone until the end of June. Still too rocky in house to try to get a new job. My friend is here trying to get work. I need to be reliable and dependable until this is over.
The whole point of my last big push was to get tough, punch the corporation in the gut and take some money. They've kicked me in the balls over and over again, and I keep coming back for me. My merit increases have been pitiful. My responsibilities increase almost daily. I am terribly miserable. And I am too drained to find another job, and afraid to find one in this state since we might be moving soon.
What to do? Admit defeat? Leave? Stop pretending that when I got up to the top that someone will notice me and make my life easier? It's not going to happen. It's not that kind of environment. It's not a good company. Period. I can learn a lot in a company like this, but what I can't do is win. I lost. These guys are better than me. They've sucked more out of me than I got back. And I have to stop trying to balance it. And worse, I have to stop trying to be dependable? Who is being dependable for me? Who is reliable for me? The company. It's the only thing I can rely on being what it is, as bad as ever, every day. I could lose love, my home, my money... but as long as I show up there and work, I get paid. There's something so wonderful about that... and it's that thing that keeps me clinging to stupid hopes that it will become easier and more worthwhile.
I have a lot hanging over me, which makes me afraid to create my own drama. Here's the list of dumb excuses, which aren't enough to account for what I'm doing to myself by staying with this company:
1. My girlfriend wants to, no, needs to move to another city or she'll go insane. The company can help me relocate.
2. She has panic attacks, which I really don't know how to deal with, but don't want to add any financial worries to the potential triggers.
3. She's had a lot of job-related stress in her life and has had to take a lot of time to figure out what she needs to do. She's not working consistently, and stresses about debt and her inheritance. So, again, I don't want to add to the stress.
4. We constantly need to be doing stuff, concerts and trips. I'm afraid that if we lost the ability to do as much, we'd be miserable for different reasons, since we're both spoiled on food and entertainment.
There's more beyond this. I keep typing it and deleting it. I guess I'm through. I really can't imagine my life with or without the company. It looks everything has been shaky for a long time. I've given it my all. I don't want to hear why I failed. I don't want to here why things fall apart. I just want them to wash out like a dream. And at best, the best I can hope for, is that I get taken up again... protected by the big faceless company or business.... work. Work is all I can ever get behind. The work of working. The work of being in love. It's all about putting in the effort and making the sacrifice. And I think that gives me some kind of edge, but it doesn't. It just makes me more stunned when life is "unfair", as if it's somehow better when life rips you up, if you can say, "I did my best" and "I hurt the most" and "look at how much I suffered for you", but it's all selfish ego crap, trying to feel like you were right, when the rules change so often that no one could be right all the time. And everyone's got a point, but that's the problem with me, too. I have a point. I have a word. And I've told absolutely everyone to fuck off, because the only thing that's mine is that word. I keep it to myself, and I'm never wrong. I never risk. I never have to hurt. I hate being a man. It seems that it's impossible to be a man and not meet some complete transparent set of "reasons" and "warning signs" that appear in a movie or a magazine about how you're untouchable or unlovable or worse for me. They tell you that you can't love, and that what you feel is not love. And I've heard more things are NOT REAL LOVE in my life that I'm starting to have my doubts.
If I got one thing from my life with Erin, it was faith. I fell in love with someone that I could let change my life. That belief gave me the courage to life my life. I recent everything that's happened with this job for taking me out of that, removing me from myself, pulling me off the project of my own growth... but I'm afraid I can't grow, and I'm afraid I can't grow into what she needs as her needs change. And it hurts so badly, because it feels so unfair... not that kind of "unfair" that I liked to create so I could feel better about losing, so my ego wouldn't take too big a hit... It's unfair, because I really want this.. Worse is that I believe in it. I believe in us, our future, our happiness together. Adventure. Warmth. I can't give that up. It's awful, but the first thing I've felt in months is this horrible sensation that my heart is breaking.
I hate myself so much for being so angry, bitter, jealous, and mean. And I'm sure that fact that I haven't said anything about how proud I am of her and how excited I am for her is evidence enough that there's a problem. I am proud. I am excited. But it's still me versus the world, and as she moves to it, loves it, and is loved in return, I realize how pointless and pathetic I am. I don't love the world, because I am jealous of the whole thing, and of all the people who can feel things, and can get off their lazy ass and make a change in their lives.
I think it's a pent-up feeling of "What About Me?" that isn't getting out. It's poisoning me and my life. I can't be happy for anyone. I can't be happy with anything, until I can take care of that. I tried not caring about myself. I tried quitting while I was ahead. I just wish someone still believed me that after all, somewhere in my core, is a person of worth, someone who is coming together, and not falling apart. Someone with a perfect spark that cannot be put out. I want to be like her. I love her so much. She stands out for me from all other things in life. She can be responsible to the truth, and still dare to listen to her feelings. She can love easy, and she can love with all the pressure and sharpness of a heart burning with desire. Living with her is like walking slowly on fire, and learning it is what you're good at it, it is what you were meant to do. She etches you into herself, she bends and accepts the better parts of everyone as her own, and she keeps you inside of her as if you're a part of the energy that keeps her breathing. She can do anything she wants to, and she can do anything she has to. What I love the most about her has always been her joyfulness and her intensity. Being around her is like being exposed to the raw energy of life. I feel like a child, dumb, stupidly hateful and hurt, and harmless... and she's a woman. A brilliant goddess, so above the common person, but so loving of all people, so ambitiously trading her love with the world around her... and I don't. I lob a solid rock of contempt ever now and again, and somewhere in the middle is a plea or a wish. All these beautiful things that I don't appreciate. I'm still so bitter after all. And I don't know how to be happy. I act like it's my responsibility to be hard... truthful... leave life to people who live. Leave her to the people who make her come alive. And there's a reason I've been an outsider. I'm really not much of a man. And I wish that I had the kitchen sink to throw to get out there where life happens and make a wild play for her heart. It's supposed to be what I'm good at, but has it always just been a construction, a skill, a magic trick that wears off, and behind it all, it's just a hat with a very uncomfortable rabbit in it... I dunno... my father seems to think so. As if we were all just the some of our tricks. And my mother acted like she could see through them all, and told me that I'm not capable of love, and so it's been a strange combination of loving out of some internal generator and loving like the underdog in a great vicious Shakespearean drama. I won't go down unless I go down in a blaze of glory, and if I win, it'll be luck and bullshit combined.... That's all I am, maybe, luck and bullshit. Win and Lose. Is there really anything you have, except time? I've lost the time, and if I ask myself where it went, and what typifies the time. It's this stupid struggle with this dumb company first, and then everything else as supported in the results.
I admit that I fucked up. I'm sorry. I will scratch it off, and try something different.