Last Days of Plastics
Today I got put on the press I swore I'd quit if I got again. It sucked.
Hot pieces, a sound like a drawbridge in hell collapsing every ten seconds, and not near enough time to take these cutters, which are like the safe scissors you used to get in McDonalds happy meals, and take the flash off injection pins... I have six blisters now, all broken and oozing, and one was bleeding, and they're on four of the fingers on my right hand.... Times like these I'm thankful the plastics factory give me no mental fodder for future masturbation.... unfortunately, my mind an eternally repeating whisper and the damn body is always willing and eager, and so circumstances being what they are, I hope I can stay busy and not think about "things" and "stuff".
Anyhow, those things and stuff know all this, and I'd better not discuss with anyone else... No, I wanted to type some things so I don't forget... I was thinking about how things are so odd right now... I put a real spirital significance into this one friendship I had, told myself that it was a point of peace and honesty and precious quiet... and well, that was just stupid, and wavering in and out of being deceptive and just relaxed, I think things went well, but eventually, they turn back to a vague longing and a complaint with the world that no body really can contend with for very long... And so I swung at thin air for a while, and maybe, I'm not sorry... Really, because to want and to try, spineless and inadequate, is okay. We all do that once in a while... We all make a fool out of ourselves, cast some confusion and disappear in the smoke, and then a year or two later you can't believe you still think about it, and how guilty you feel for how "easily" you moved on... Ha. Nothing was easy. None of the time. None of the change. What isn't easy is admitting that I'm the guy who's going inevitably away from that story, because it's not mine anymore, and I don't fit at all... and the most significant parts of interest and hope, maybe in a span of several years, well... they're the things that earn you a meager wave or a false promise to call you up one day and have coffee... I'm sad with that, because I don't want it anymore... I said I'd be happy with whatever I got, whatever was still offered, no matter the effort, no matter the cost... and that's something you don't ask of your future self... you only have so much to give, and so much to devote to the things you want... Eventually, you drop a tangent, drop a name or two from your heart, and tell yourself that it's okay to be happy with what you have.
And I am. I am feeling great with my life right now, and yes, still a bit guilty for all the ways I've stretched and reached, as if I just sprung back like a rubberband, but I don't feel that's it at all... I think at those times, I had something to give, and it's not the something that I have now... And if you look at who I am, what I'm doing, well... I guess it might as well have been somebody else... And yeah, I can be sad about it, sad about lost time, wasted effort, hope, and confusion, but it's like it was someone else's life... It just makes me upset that the story had to change so much to get better... that the people you loved the most were still strangers at the end, that the people who cared for you the most are the people who make you feel strange.... And well, if I'd have read the story of my life, up to where this new chapter began, I'd throw the book across the room... It's no way to go out, I guess... feel like there isn't any unfinished business, there's no one I want to call, there's nothing I feel like saying goodbye to... and it's a sorry way to leave... I really wish I would have done better. I really don't understand. I'd accept my fault in it... I'd would be bitter handing out the blame... but right now, I just don't know... I don't know what happened at all... I really should stop pretending it was my life I was trying to salvage for the past three years, when really, it's always been right now, my life that I'm living everyday...
And somehow, however good I do from now on, I think I'm going to wonder why the pieces just wouldn't come together, when the mistakes in my path and the way I was and all the circumstance had to make in turn out so empty... But why think about that? It's just self-centered bullshit... And of course, as always, blah blah blah, there are people who had it a whole lot worse and still do, and aren't in a position now to even ask the questions I'm asking.... But I don't often turn on anyone... I get so mad at the world sometimes, at how much people want and need to hear, and how much I could say, but I'm muted not by my voice, but by my clothes or my hair or my face.... And so many times the eyes are unpealing beauty for the slightest warmth to rename attraction something legit, like love... and I can't claim immunity from any of it... I sometimes think being hard enough on myself is going to change the way things are... like I can take some of it out on myself, and people will tell me I'm wrong and that I'm an idiot, and that there's no point in feeling bad about any of it... it's nature, right? Well, I feel bad about most things, so I think it's just normal.
Nah. I'd like people to prove me that they're not as bad as I guess, but they usually don't... There's a girl at work who wears gray sweatpants with the word BOOTAYLICIOUS on them... which I think means HEFFER, but I'm not sure...
Anyhow, I thought about good things for the most part today, just too time in the middle of the virtual snooze of press work to contemplate the promises I made, not just the ones people know about, but the ones I whispered under my breath when I was drunk.. The wishes I had, the names I whimpered as the rooms stalked and spun around my head... There are only two conclusions... One is that I failed, didn't try the right way, had no spine, whatever... any of that is just truthful and easy to deal with, I can understand it... and Two is that I wasn't wanted. And the funny thing is, that as much as I know I've been a downer, I think Two is the safest bet... I'm leaving behind, for good, final, making a huge statement and turning completely gone from people who didn't need or want me... Kind of hurts a little to know that not a damn one of them is gonna miss me... Makes me scared to talk now, scared to feel, scared to place so much weight on a feeling... fuck it, though, it doesn't stop me, never did, and never will... and while I don't promise things anymore, whether I intend to keep them or not, I never lost that blind fury... that crazy amalgamation of love, rage, and god knows what else.... She's my centrifuge, and I'm the bastard soul you like.
Whatever it takes? How did I suddenly get good at all this? Say what you will about pride and such, but once someone actually makes you feel good about yourself... you actually have a better chance at succeeding... wow, not too deep there, is it? Well, it's nice to have people who make me feel good about myself... Surround me, you people who think I'm great, bring me Genny Light and Pizza!
A great life, these days... Thanks to everyone who sticks with it.
Hot pieces, a sound like a drawbridge in hell collapsing every ten seconds, and not near enough time to take these cutters, which are like the safe scissors you used to get in McDonalds happy meals, and take the flash off injection pins... I have six blisters now, all broken and oozing, and one was bleeding, and they're on four of the fingers on my right hand.... Times like these I'm thankful the plastics factory give me no mental fodder for future masturbation.... unfortunately, my mind an eternally repeating whisper and the damn body is always willing and eager, and so circumstances being what they are, I hope I can stay busy and not think about "things" and "stuff".
Anyhow, those things and stuff know all this, and I'd better not discuss with anyone else... No, I wanted to type some things so I don't forget... I was thinking about how things are so odd right now... I put a real spirital significance into this one friendship I had, told myself that it was a point of peace and honesty and precious quiet... and well, that was just stupid, and wavering in and out of being deceptive and just relaxed, I think things went well, but eventually, they turn back to a vague longing and a complaint with the world that no body really can contend with for very long... And so I swung at thin air for a while, and maybe, I'm not sorry... Really, because to want and to try, spineless and inadequate, is okay. We all do that once in a while... We all make a fool out of ourselves, cast some confusion and disappear in the smoke, and then a year or two later you can't believe you still think about it, and how guilty you feel for how "easily" you moved on... Ha. Nothing was easy. None of the time. None of the change. What isn't easy is admitting that I'm the guy who's going inevitably away from that story, because it's not mine anymore, and I don't fit at all... and the most significant parts of interest and hope, maybe in a span of several years, well... they're the things that earn you a meager wave or a false promise to call you up one day and have coffee... I'm sad with that, because I don't want it anymore... I said I'd be happy with whatever I got, whatever was still offered, no matter the effort, no matter the cost... and that's something you don't ask of your future self... you only have so much to give, and so much to devote to the things you want... Eventually, you drop a tangent, drop a name or two from your heart, and tell yourself that it's okay to be happy with what you have.
And I am. I am feeling great with my life right now, and yes, still a bit guilty for all the ways I've stretched and reached, as if I just sprung back like a rubberband, but I don't feel that's it at all... I think at those times, I had something to give, and it's not the something that I have now... And if you look at who I am, what I'm doing, well... I guess it might as well have been somebody else... And yeah, I can be sad about it, sad about lost time, wasted effort, hope, and confusion, but it's like it was someone else's life... It just makes me upset that the story had to change so much to get better... that the people you loved the most were still strangers at the end, that the people who cared for you the most are the people who make you feel strange.... And well, if I'd have read the story of my life, up to where this new chapter began, I'd throw the book across the room... It's no way to go out, I guess... feel like there isn't any unfinished business, there's no one I want to call, there's nothing I feel like saying goodbye to... and it's a sorry way to leave... I really wish I would have done better. I really don't understand. I'd accept my fault in it... I'd would be bitter handing out the blame... but right now, I just don't know... I don't know what happened at all... I really should stop pretending it was my life I was trying to salvage for the past three years, when really, it's always been right now, my life that I'm living everyday...
And somehow, however good I do from now on, I think I'm going to wonder why the pieces just wouldn't come together, when the mistakes in my path and the way I was and all the circumstance had to make in turn out so empty... But why think about that? It's just self-centered bullshit... And of course, as always, blah blah blah, there are people who had it a whole lot worse and still do, and aren't in a position now to even ask the questions I'm asking.... But I don't often turn on anyone... I get so mad at the world sometimes, at how much people want and need to hear, and how much I could say, but I'm muted not by my voice, but by my clothes or my hair or my face.... And so many times the eyes are unpealing beauty for the slightest warmth to rename attraction something legit, like love... and I can't claim immunity from any of it... I sometimes think being hard enough on myself is going to change the way things are... like I can take some of it out on myself, and people will tell me I'm wrong and that I'm an idiot, and that there's no point in feeling bad about any of it... it's nature, right? Well, I feel bad about most things, so I think it's just normal.
Nah. I'd like people to prove me that they're not as bad as I guess, but they usually don't... There's a girl at work who wears gray sweatpants with the word BOOTAYLICIOUS on them... which I think means HEFFER, but I'm not sure...
Anyhow, I thought about good things for the most part today, just too time in the middle of the virtual snooze of press work to contemplate the promises I made, not just the ones people know about, but the ones I whispered under my breath when I was drunk.. The wishes I had, the names I whimpered as the rooms stalked and spun around my head... There are only two conclusions... One is that I failed, didn't try the right way, had no spine, whatever... any of that is just truthful and easy to deal with, I can understand it... and Two is that I wasn't wanted. And the funny thing is, that as much as I know I've been a downer, I think Two is the safest bet... I'm leaving behind, for good, final, making a huge statement and turning completely gone from people who didn't need or want me... Kind of hurts a little to know that not a damn one of them is gonna miss me... Makes me scared to talk now, scared to feel, scared to place so much weight on a feeling... fuck it, though, it doesn't stop me, never did, and never will... and while I don't promise things anymore, whether I intend to keep them or not, I never lost that blind fury... that crazy amalgamation of love, rage, and god knows what else.... She's my centrifuge, and I'm the bastard soul you like.
Whatever it takes? How did I suddenly get good at all this? Say what you will about pride and such, but once someone actually makes you feel good about yourself... you actually have a better chance at succeeding... wow, not too deep there, is it? Well, it's nice to have people who make me feel good about myself... Surround me, you people who think I'm great, bring me Genny Light and Pizza!
A great life, these days... Thanks to everyone who sticks with it.