pow
Of beat on the grim fandango again... how's the weather in the nape of your neck of the woods, anyhow? Things are peachy keen, apple of my eye is sharpened and ready... angry, bitter little fruit sometimes, too, but it always holds water, even when it falls from the tree.
How was everybody's Christmas? Mine was good. I am saving some money, and probably about two weeks from now, things are going to get a bit crazy... I need to spend some extra money taking care of my contact lenses... blah.
So, I don't know. It seems the longer I stick around the further behind I'm getting. I'm just not getting much of anywhere fast with this job at the plastics factory... I'm still in no great position for keeping up with my bills... They're around $500 a month, and I make about $900 a month. I have $600 right now which I could easily spend just paying January's bills, or I could be bold, buy a plane ticket, ship my computer right now, and go through the next two to three weeks and pay these bills off... of course, I'd arrive on the otherside of life with nothing more than some suitcases, which isn't fair... I'm not sure how to go about things... logic suggests that I stick around here until the end of January at the very least... If I shot for mid-february, that means I'd have about $1500 and about $1000 in bills to pay, meaning I'd have $500 to buy a plane ticket and live until I can start earning over there... it still isn't good... wait, it gets worse... how about this... end of February... I'd have $2400, and owe about $1500 in bills, leaving me, $900 to travel and live on... Let me run that one in my head again..
hmmm So in the end of Feb. I'd have made $2400, theoretically, of course... and I'd owe two months of bills, in or around $1500, if I wanted to get ahead of myself... if I didn't, let's say I want to lag behind, leave the pressure on myself to earn $1000 in the month I get there... it should be okay... I dunno.
There's also this issue of a VAN which I can buy cheap... and what's wrong with it... if that isn't major, I could own that vehicle, and drive it California if possible... Ha. Ha... Ha... I doubt any of that is possible, but you never know. $400 at the very least would get me alive and well across country in a mini-van... blah... It's looking like no sooner than the last day of February can I get out of this place... two months, around 40 days of plastic making left... I don't know what else to do...
If I arrive with nothing, and out of debt for the most part, I can go as early as the end of January... if I go and arrive in debt, I can leave in a couple of weeks... and the debt would only be about $500... I'd have to make about $1500 in a month to be able to pull my own weight significantly in that case... otherwise, I'd just be a total loser, lagging and hanging for 30 days... If I arrive just out of debt, end of January, then, I'd need to make about $1000 at least in one month to survive. End of February, I'd need about $1000, as well... so there's almost no difference between the end of February and the middle, except for the fact that I'd need some money in pocket for a while... gar....
This is boring, I'll bet... whatcha gonna do?
Two months... wow... so short, so long... Maybe, I just need a grand, another two weeks, fly out, hold onto the money and refuse to pay my bills for this month, until it's possible... if it ever becomes possible... who knows... Two weeks or two months... I don't know what to do, what is crucial, what's strange, what's what.... I do know that there's this thing I keep thinking about. I ask myself, "Are you eager to go, because you're afraid things are going to fall apart if you don't?" and my answer is, No, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of losing her at all, and THAT is the reason I have to go... that's the reason I need to go soon.
Stupid anti-drandruff stuff is like elmers glue and it stuck to my hair as I was "styling as usual" and I ripped some of it out, oops... oh well. My head only itches in certain places right now.... Bad water at this house... makes my scalp hurt and crack and bleed. I only WISH I had tiny flakes instead... this is scabs and chips coming off my head... sometimes it burns, especially at the hair line... hey, this is a journal, I can write whatever I want.
Anyhow, my skin has improved, though, and I don't know why... I think it's because I have a new program in place of showering before work... it's a ritual now... even if I intend to shower again in the morning... screw it, my skin only last about 8hours before it starts to liquify... It's like I'm Dark Man or something... god, I hated that movie... I want some soda...
I am working on logos, and I realize I should just play videogames... because in a half-hour of playing videogames I came up with about six new designs that are WAY better than what I was working on... the only trouble is creating them... I might draw a couple on poster board and scan them, and I might see if Corel Draw can help me, because Photoshop is NOT A DRAWING PROGRAM... Flash has decent drawing stuff, so I'll try that first... Flash, Javascript, so so much stuff with CODE to screw with... I can't stand all this code... makes me glad for time spent with deep inside Hypercard and BASIC, though... however, ask me now and I can't write a program for anything anymore... It sucks because I need some graphics to be entirely original, instead of relying on creating futzing of existing filters... I'm running out of ideas in the editing process, and so I don't like the pressure falling back on the camera's work, because frankly this piece of crap DV camera has some terrible terrible things about it... first off, I don't like the look of the footage, and I don't like the pixalation I seem to be getting. I also don't like the way everything looks like it was FILMED... it has no MOVIE or even TV quality to it... also, the sound is limitted to this one built in microphone.... gar! It was cheap, though, so I'm happy about that... and I'm glad I bought it, overall... but I want a new one at some point... also, I want new filters, new lenses, and a really good recording system... a decent working boom mic and a good old fashion tough ass high-end tape player... and I can synch the sound with clap boards... oh yeah, I want a clap board.
I like doing this editing and effects. TV stuff is fun, but when it comes time to do a movie of some kind, I'm going to need to work really hard on discipline... scheduling lighting schemes, sound checks, boring, confusing crap that's way out of my element... I like to write, film, edit, and that's it... boom... but for once, a product worthy of the thought that goes into it would be nice... I'll get on that at some point...
First thing is first, tiring myself out so I can sleep, so I can wake up and fix my grandfather's computer... it'll be funny.. I bought this computer for my sister, and now she's going to be trading it to my Dad and I since she got a new one, and then it's going to Grampa... so, this is the second time this computer has gotten re-tooled here. Deskmate and Windows 2000 will probably end up on the machine... It may take some real effort to clear this thing up... I dunno... No one remembers anything... nor do I...
I'm a lazy tech. I don't miss anyone. I try to, but I don't. I don't miss my friends back in college, the boys from high school... sometimes I miss a few strangers that I never got to know that well, but never the women, either... not even the people I said I loved.... it's just been odd like that... I think it's probably a little unkind, but lately, I'm just worried about getting through the time I have, getting this important stuff done, clearing my head, becoming mentally strong... and I think I have been doing fine. I think I'm wide awake and on a level ground... I'm preparing for an extraordinary place, a lot more than stoplights and traffic... noises, living, conversation, people ignoring me... curious... uneasy... afraid... and I have to live up to a lot... funny thing is that if I don't, it won't be a matter of failure, but of some unfortunate skew... I am the guy. I've got what I need. I bring more than enough to the table, and there's so much yammering about in my head about the remaining drop that might not get used... ha... I should just worry about BEING SOMETHING... something people can and will remember, even if it isn't entirely GOOD... just something they can know... he's vane... he's cute... he's clever... he's crazy... anything would be good, just to get the space I need... I used to be able to work a room, but I'm not so smart, so well-read, so interesting anymore... maybe I can pretend to be a redneck hick and bring up only stories about Floyds and Butches and LeeRoys... That could work... That will have to be my gimmick, until people can understand... this worked not so well in college... I was funny for about a month and a half, and then people started to get to know me, and I wasn't doing well on account bla blah bla
I'm doing well.... I'm doing great... I wish that was enough. Start with work, practice on the plastic people... be friends, listen to stories, tell jokes, pull pranks, try to pretend that I'm human and not just a robot or an autopilot... gotta live , why not? Time to talk to people and tell them all my bullshit for no apparent reason... I wanted to see what it'd be like not to talk too much... be quiet... see what people think... they don't think that much... they don't like the way I look, the way I don't smoke, and the way I mumble... I think I might just go in on Thursday and do whatever it take to make people laugh and like me, just to prove that I can make that bubble again... because if I can, and no one will bother me and no one will look at me funny or make me feel bad for just hanging around... then I can have so much space... so much life to fill in... frankly, I just want the world to be good when I close a door... when I start to look into the eyes of the woman I love, I want it to be only because I want our time, not because I'm afraid of time with everyone else. I'm not going anywhere to hide and stink my head in the sand, and cuddle up to someone and close my eyes... That's not what you do with this much energy and renewed life. You fight to be amazing. You dance out there, laugh, and remark... even if it changes who you think you are... add a layer, be a stronger person... give the people what they want... it's a long day fighting everything... sometimes, you just don't work out, and that happened to me a few times... not even trying too hard or not being myself... sometimes, you're not the right guy... that's a scary reality... but hey, with all the times that things are unknowingly impossible, you can't afford not to give things your best effort... I guess you never know... It could always be a waste... But once you've done it, you've done it... that's in your life, your story... your heart has the mark. I think that's why things are good now. My heart has a lot of marks on it, from a lot of good days, a few moments I made the most of, a few scars that I looked at obsessively until I could imagine their beauty in full... and this here... this life I'm living now is going to burst everything else wide open, there will be a BEFORE and AFTER this... because this changes everything... and if you can't do that at least once in your life, you're not a grown man, and you have no interest in becoming one... I guess I didn't have any concern for growing up... just making an impact, holding my honor... having my way of looking at things, my voice, and internal world, keeping it safe and angry and bizarre... well, suddenly, I feel like DOING something... I think I've felt like doing something ever since I lost my job... because it wasn't living, and seldom do you get the opportunity to realize what life is about by staring at it from the outside... I think that's what I'm trying to do through another person, understand life from outside, look, point, and say, "that's what I want." And after much whimpering on both sides, I don't think we'll have it any other way...
Not sure how the reverse works, though. Never really thought of myself as existing... apparently, I'm here and alive an productive enough for this... I've learned that only life fits with lives. The living hold the living. The world goes on like that. You can't be half dead and have half a hindered self to shift around other people to fit the empty spaces within them... You can't be a function, a remedy, a tool, a mirror, a shell... you're another life... you live... heavy hard... headstrong, bullish, smash into walls, fire out tears, get up and run, and push back... say those stupid things you think you shouldn't say, do those stupid things that someone has to do... if you feel like you're trying too hard, you might just be trying enough... channeling yourself is a second step which takes a lifetime to master... and like anyone who was ever successful was ever good at that anyway... look at all the rockstars and actors who freak out and crash their cars... well, that's fine... Ease and peace.... I always think about this problem... loving peace and ease... loving them enough to stay still and not live... one affords the others, though... I deserve peace for the life I live. I live my life and earn that peace. Again, I hope I can create the space... make the outside world stand up, know me, and when I can rest, it will not be to hide, but to pay tribute to my inspiration, the talent, the drive, the hope, and the bond... and think about that "problem" of "will I want to get out of bed, when I am held close" and the answer is an odd laugh, because first of all, what a beautiful problem to have... and second of all, I think it's not something I need to worry about... things just have a habbit of happening.... Like this entry... bamm.. that was pretty long wasn't it.
later,
Hazzard
How was everybody's Christmas? Mine was good. I am saving some money, and probably about two weeks from now, things are going to get a bit crazy... I need to spend some extra money taking care of my contact lenses... blah.
So, I don't know. It seems the longer I stick around the further behind I'm getting. I'm just not getting much of anywhere fast with this job at the plastics factory... I'm still in no great position for keeping up with my bills... They're around $500 a month, and I make about $900 a month. I have $600 right now which I could easily spend just paying January's bills, or I could be bold, buy a plane ticket, ship my computer right now, and go through the next two to three weeks and pay these bills off... of course, I'd arrive on the otherside of life with nothing more than some suitcases, which isn't fair... I'm not sure how to go about things... logic suggests that I stick around here until the end of January at the very least... If I shot for mid-february, that means I'd have about $1500 and about $1000 in bills to pay, meaning I'd have $500 to buy a plane ticket and live until I can start earning over there... it still isn't good... wait, it gets worse... how about this... end of February... I'd have $2400, and owe about $1500 in bills, leaving me, $900 to travel and live on... Let me run that one in my head again..
hmmm So in the end of Feb. I'd have made $2400, theoretically, of course... and I'd owe two months of bills, in or around $1500, if I wanted to get ahead of myself... if I didn't, let's say I want to lag behind, leave the pressure on myself to earn $1000 in the month I get there... it should be okay... I dunno.
There's also this issue of a VAN which I can buy cheap... and what's wrong with it... if that isn't major, I could own that vehicle, and drive it California if possible... Ha. Ha... Ha... I doubt any of that is possible, but you never know. $400 at the very least would get me alive and well across country in a mini-van... blah... It's looking like no sooner than the last day of February can I get out of this place... two months, around 40 days of plastic making left... I don't know what else to do...
If I arrive with nothing, and out of debt for the most part, I can go as early as the end of January... if I go and arrive in debt, I can leave in a couple of weeks... and the debt would only be about $500... I'd have to make about $1500 in a month to be able to pull my own weight significantly in that case... otherwise, I'd just be a total loser, lagging and hanging for 30 days... If I arrive just out of debt, end of January, then, I'd need to make about $1000 at least in one month to survive. End of February, I'd need about $1000, as well... so there's almost no difference between the end of February and the middle, except for the fact that I'd need some money in pocket for a while... gar....
This is boring, I'll bet... whatcha gonna do?
Two months... wow... so short, so long... Maybe, I just need a grand, another two weeks, fly out, hold onto the money and refuse to pay my bills for this month, until it's possible... if it ever becomes possible... who knows... Two weeks or two months... I don't know what to do, what is crucial, what's strange, what's what.... I do know that there's this thing I keep thinking about. I ask myself, "Are you eager to go, because you're afraid things are going to fall apart if you don't?" and my answer is, No, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of losing her at all, and THAT is the reason I have to go... that's the reason I need to go soon.
Stupid anti-drandruff stuff is like elmers glue and it stuck to my hair as I was "styling as usual" and I ripped some of it out, oops... oh well. My head only itches in certain places right now.... Bad water at this house... makes my scalp hurt and crack and bleed. I only WISH I had tiny flakes instead... this is scabs and chips coming off my head... sometimes it burns, especially at the hair line... hey, this is a journal, I can write whatever I want.
Anyhow, my skin has improved, though, and I don't know why... I think it's because I have a new program in place of showering before work... it's a ritual now... even if I intend to shower again in the morning... screw it, my skin only last about 8hours before it starts to liquify... It's like I'm Dark Man or something... god, I hated that movie... I want some soda...
I am working on logos, and I realize I should just play videogames... because in a half-hour of playing videogames I came up with about six new designs that are WAY better than what I was working on... the only trouble is creating them... I might draw a couple on poster board and scan them, and I might see if Corel Draw can help me, because Photoshop is NOT A DRAWING PROGRAM... Flash has decent drawing stuff, so I'll try that first... Flash, Javascript, so so much stuff with CODE to screw with... I can't stand all this code... makes me glad for time spent with deep inside Hypercard and BASIC, though... however, ask me now and I can't write a program for anything anymore... It sucks because I need some graphics to be entirely original, instead of relying on creating futzing of existing filters... I'm running out of ideas in the editing process, and so I don't like the pressure falling back on the camera's work, because frankly this piece of crap DV camera has some terrible terrible things about it... first off, I don't like the look of the footage, and I don't like the pixalation I seem to be getting. I also don't like the way everything looks like it was FILMED... it has no MOVIE or even TV quality to it... also, the sound is limitted to this one built in microphone.... gar! It was cheap, though, so I'm happy about that... and I'm glad I bought it, overall... but I want a new one at some point... also, I want new filters, new lenses, and a really good recording system... a decent working boom mic and a good old fashion tough ass high-end tape player... and I can synch the sound with clap boards... oh yeah, I want a clap board.
I like doing this editing and effects. TV stuff is fun, but when it comes time to do a movie of some kind, I'm going to need to work really hard on discipline... scheduling lighting schemes, sound checks, boring, confusing crap that's way out of my element... I like to write, film, edit, and that's it... boom... but for once, a product worthy of the thought that goes into it would be nice... I'll get on that at some point...
First thing is first, tiring myself out so I can sleep, so I can wake up and fix my grandfather's computer... it'll be funny.. I bought this computer for my sister, and now she's going to be trading it to my Dad and I since she got a new one, and then it's going to Grampa... so, this is the second time this computer has gotten re-tooled here. Deskmate and Windows 2000 will probably end up on the machine... It may take some real effort to clear this thing up... I dunno... No one remembers anything... nor do I...
I'm a lazy tech. I don't miss anyone. I try to, but I don't. I don't miss my friends back in college, the boys from high school... sometimes I miss a few strangers that I never got to know that well, but never the women, either... not even the people I said I loved.... it's just been odd like that... I think it's probably a little unkind, but lately, I'm just worried about getting through the time I have, getting this important stuff done, clearing my head, becoming mentally strong... and I think I have been doing fine. I think I'm wide awake and on a level ground... I'm preparing for an extraordinary place, a lot more than stoplights and traffic... noises, living, conversation, people ignoring me... curious... uneasy... afraid... and I have to live up to a lot... funny thing is that if I don't, it won't be a matter of failure, but of some unfortunate skew... I am the guy. I've got what I need. I bring more than enough to the table, and there's so much yammering about in my head about the remaining drop that might not get used... ha... I should just worry about BEING SOMETHING... something people can and will remember, even if it isn't entirely GOOD... just something they can know... he's vane... he's cute... he's clever... he's crazy... anything would be good, just to get the space I need... I used to be able to work a room, but I'm not so smart, so well-read, so interesting anymore... maybe I can pretend to be a redneck hick and bring up only stories about Floyds and Butches and LeeRoys... That could work... That will have to be my gimmick, until people can understand... this worked not so well in college... I was funny for about a month and a half, and then people started to get to know me, and I wasn't doing well on account bla blah bla
I'm doing well.... I'm doing great... I wish that was enough. Start with work, practice on the plastic people... be friends, listen to stories, tell jokes, pull pranks, try to pretend that I'm human and not just a robot or an autopilot... gotta live , why not? Time to talk to people and tell them all my bullshit for no apparent reason... I wanted to see what it'd be like not to talk too much... be quiet... see what people think... they don't think that much... they don't like the way I look, the way I don't smoke, and the way I mumble... I think I might just go in on Thursday and do whatever it take to make people laugh and like me, just to prove that I can make that bubble again... because if I can, and no one will bother me and no one will look at me funny or make me feel bad for just hanging around... then I can have so much space... so much life to fill in... frankly, I just want the world to be good when I close a door... when I start to look into the eyes of the woman I love, I want it to be only because I want our time, not because I'm afraid of time with everyone else. I'm not going anywhere to hide and stink my head in the sand, and cuddle up to someone and close my eyes... That's not what you do with this much energy and renewed life. You fight to be amazing. You dance out there, laugh, and remark... even if it changes who you think you are... add a layer, be a stronger person... give the people what they want... it's a long day fighting everything... sometimes, you just don't work out, and that happened to me a few times... not even trying too hard or not being myself... sometimes, you're not the right guy... that's a scary reality... but hey, with all the times that things are unknowingly impossible, you can't afford not to give things your best effort... I guess you never know... It could always be a waste... But once you've done it, you've done it... that's in your life, your story... your heart has the mark. I think that's why things are good now. My heart has a lot of marks on it, from a lot of good days, a few moments I made the most of, a few scars that I looked at obsessively until I could imagine their beauty in full... and this here... this life I'm living now is going to burst everything else wide open, there will be a BEFORE and AFTER this... because this changes everything... and if you can't do that at least once in your life, you're not a grown man, and you have no interest in becoming one... I guess I didn't have any concern for growing up... just making an impact, holding my honor... having my way of looking at things, my voice, and internal world, keeping it safe and angry and bizarre... well, suddenly, I feel like DOING something... I think I've felt like doing something ever since I lost my job... because it wasn't living, and seldom do you get the opportunity to realize what life is about by staring at it from the outside... I think that's what I'm trying to do through another person, understand life from outside, look, point, and say, "that's what I want." And after much whimpering on both sides, I don't think we'll have it any other way...
Not sure how the reverse works, though. Never really thought of myself as existing... apparently, I'm here and alive an productive enough for this... I've learned that only life fits with lives. The living hold the living. The world goes on like that. You can't be half dead and have half a hindered self to shift around other people to fit the empty spaces within them... You can't be a function, a remedy, a tool, a mirror, a shell... you're another life... you live... heavy hard... headstrong, bullish, smash into walls, fire out tears, get up and run, and push back... say those stupid things you think you shouldn't say, do those stupid things that someone has to do... if you feel like you're trying too hard, you might just be trying enough... channeling yourself is a second step which takes a lifetime to master... and like anyone who was ever successful was ever good at that anyway... look at all the rockstars and actors who freak out and crash their cars... well, that's fine... Ease and peace.... I always think about this problem... loving peace and ease... loving them enough to stay still and not live... one affords the others, though... I deserve peace for the life I live. I live my life and earn that peace. Again, I hope I can create the space... make the outside world stand up, know me, and when I can rest, it will not be to hide, but to pay tribute to my inspiration, the talent, the drive, the hope, and the bond... and think about that "problem" of "will I want to get out of bed, when I am held close" and the answer is an odd laugh, because first of all, what a beautiful problem to have... and second of all, I think it's not something I need to worry about... things just have a habbit of happening.... Like this entry... bamm.. that was pretty long wasn't it.
later,
Hazzard