Day After
This feels a little warmer. Writing down my feelings are somewhat helping me realize that I am now doing worse. This is the lowest point in my life right now. I am at a point where I have fallen into a hole that I dug myself financially and cannot seem to find the right way to get out. I am actively pursuing a job but am finding no luck. I check craigslist daily to see if anything is out here but cannot find something. I feel like no matter how much I try I am cursed to suffer. It is something I have been quite used to ever since was a little kid. This "pressimistic" mentality guarantees me no disappointment. If I always expect the worse, and mostly receive it it somewhat warms me in knowing I was right about something.
I feel like suffering through life has toughened me up quite a bit. The more I push myself through these terrible emotions the better off I think I will be later on down the road.
So today is my birthday and I am 27. I can't beleive that I am getting closer to 30... I am looking at friends and acquaintances that are so successful in life because they had money given to them and worked very hard in school/etc. to get where they are today. I cannot help but get mad at myself for all these mistakes that I have made so far. Life has thrown me a shit load of opportunities and I have turned my back on just about all of them. I owe my roommate a bunch of money for rent and can't actively see a way to make money without a car. Food will run out this week and I have to get money quick. This is by far the worst I have ever been financially. I almost feel that if I were to not be around...it would be a releif to just about everyone around me. They wouldn't have to worry about me ever again. I dont think I will be missed much because of how secluded I have been for almost 2 years now. I rarely talk to anyone besides my roommate, brother and another friend or two. Many people don't know me at all anymore. Lately I have been thinking a lot about what life would be like without me in it. I can't say that it is a good feeling, but I am slowly losing desire to do just about anything anymore. For those who have known me, they know that I have been a gamer since I was like 8 years old. Even now I have just about lost all desire to play them anymore. I feel guilty even having any kind of good emotion. I feel like I have lost the desire to enjoy anything.....
I feel like suffering through life has toughened me up quite a bit. The more I push myself through these terrible emotions the better off I think I will be later on down the road.
So today is my birthday and I am 27. I can't beleive that I am getting closer to 30... I am looking at friends and acquaintances that are so successful in life because they had money given to them and worked very hard in school/etc. to get where they are today. I cannot help but get mad at myself for all these mistakes that I have made so far. Life has thrown me a shit load of opportunities and I have turned my back on just about all of them. I owe my roommate a bunch of money for rent and can't actively see a way to make money without a car. Food will run out this week and I have to get money quick. This is by far the worst I have ever been financially. I almost feel that if I were to not be around...it would be a releif to just about everyone around me. They wouldn't have to worry about me ever again. I dont think I will be missed much because of how secluded I have been for almost 2 years now. I rarely talk to anyone besides my roommate, brother and another friend or two. Many people don't know me at all anymore. Lately I have been thinking a lot about what life would be like without me in it. I can't say that it is a good feeling, but I am slowly losing desire to do just about anything anymore. For those who have known me, they know that I have been a gamer since I was like 8 years old. Even now I have just about lost all desire to play them anymore. I feel guilty even having any kind of good emotion. I feel like I have lost the desire to enjoy anything.....