Another Day, Another Lifetime
Man it has been a while since I posted my thoughts here. I am doing ok for now but am aggrivated with my lack of ability to keep a job. I am jobless at this point in life and I am to hit 27 tomorrow. For the forst time in my life I am beginning to panic and I cannot seem to find a good way out of this. I have been actively persuing a job but am limited since my car is unregistered and uninsured. My license expires tomorrow and I cannot afford to renew it. It sounds so simple, right? Just get a job and work... The area I live in is terrible and after even looking for teh most bottom of the barrel type jobs I have no success.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago that I will be in a rough spot financially, I would have laughed in your face, but unfortunately I cant see my future. Topping all of this off is admitting I have a weakness... Pride. You see I have a really hard time accepting money/help from anyone offering because I hate to appear as a charity case. Most of my friends, who have known me for years, and who are way more successful than I can ever hope to be, are now starting to pity me and constantly offering to take me out and stuff like that. It is killing me that I cannot afford to do basic stuff, and it has made me feel like I cannot be happy anymore. If someone has something great happen to them, instead of being happy for them, I instead feel terrible that I don't have the same luck and will not express my support ti them. If someone argues with me, I have become timid and just let them show their pointwithout any rebuttal even if they are wrong. If someone ever gives me a compliment I turn it away and spurt out a few of my many flaws to them. Dating? I seriously don't care about that right now. With all my problems how and why should I drag a girl down with me? I feel like I am not worthy of success of happiness. It seems as all things I have ever acomplished in life have become completely unimportant and I am just a faded memory. Even some of my friends cannot get past the man I used to be and they remind me of it constantly. I am now known for the things I used to do when I was under the influence of pot and alcohol (which both are pretty much eradicated from my life now), and not for the person I am today. The reason? I keep to myself more than I ever have before. I have become too afraid of reactions/confrontations so I have been avoiding them at all possible. I am not suicidal at all, but scared myself this month with my first thought that way. I just need something to change these feelings.
I needed to vent my feelings out and perhaps give certain people an explaination as to what is happening in my life.
If you would have asked me 5 years ago that I will be in a rough spot financially, I would have laughed in your face, but unfortunately I cant see my future. Topping all of this off is admitting I have a weakness... Pride. You see I have a really hard time accepting money/help from anyone offering because I hate to appear as a charity case. Most of my friends, who have known me for years, and who are way more successful than I can ever hope to be, are now starting to pity me and constantly offering to take me out and stuff like that. It is killing me that I cannot afford to do basic stuff, and it has made me feel like I cannot be happy anymore. If someone has something great happen to them, instead of being happy for them, I instead feel terrible that I don't have the same luck and will not express my support ti them. If someone argues with me, I have become timid and just let them show their pointwithout any rebuttal even if they are wrong. If someone ever gives me a compliment I turn it away and spurt out a few of my many flaws to them. Dating? I seriously don't care about that right now. With all my problems how and why should I drag a girl down with me? I feel like I am not worthy of success of happiness. It seems as all things I have ever acomplished in life have become completely unimportant and I am just a faded memory. Even some of my friends cannot get past the man I used to be and they remind me of it constantly. I am now known for the things I used to do when I was under the influence of pot and alcohol (which both are pretty much eradicated from my life now), and not for the person I am today. The reason? I keep to myself more than I ever have before. I have become too afraid of reactions/confrontations so I have been avoiding them at all possible. I am not suicidal at all, but scared myself this month with my first thought that way. I just need something to change these feelings.
I needed to vent my feelings out and perhaps give certain people an explaination as to what is happening in my life.