(no subject)

Oct 15, 2007 10:55

I wanna fight somebody. I wanna fight something. I've got nothing to push back against. nothing to fight. And as I've made quite a good living picking up and throwing down gauntlets I'm not sure what to do with myself. I need something to hate before all that destructive energy turns on itself.

I need a reason to live. living day to day. pointless. unremarkable. stupid. waste of time. waste of energy. assignment to assignment. purchase to purchase. shopping trip to shopping trip. bus ride to bus ride. Is it really so much to ask for some meaning in my life? I dont want some stupid cause. I don't want to save the bunnies. I don't want to support homer simpson for president. I have no desire to make kayaking the sole center of my life. I really. dont. give. a fuck. I want something pure something deep something fucking USEFULL to live for. I want that drive back. I want to see "aspiring to atlantis" and remember what it meant to me. Not what I fucking remember it meant. I'm tired of living and feeling through memories. hey life here is numb dull and everything you swore it would never be. so lets relive all human emotions through torturing yourself late at night with memories just to prove you can still hurt. Stupid bitch. wake up. quit sleeping. living in some gray fog becuase you're scared to come out? stupid spineless scared little minion. what ever made you think you were that exception? You can't stop them from leaving you. Could you stop any of the others? no. when are you going to get that the only person that will always be there is you? what happened to that will of yours? what happened to being in control of what you thought, felt, did? Stupid spineless whore. You can't even decide what it is you want what you feel. you rational? ha. you're barely human anymore. You burned out and sunk back into that cess pool. The music left your blood; you're not really worth it anymore.

So fucking grow up already.

God somebody save me.
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