nobody does it better. makes me feel sad for the rest.
I've had a philisophical break through. I know why I'm hung up on you. All this time I thought it was missing you. But its so much more complicated than that. You have always meant so much to me and I've always wanted to mean just as much. When I was your girl I got the excuse to assume that and trust me, I haven't been that happy in a long. long. time. But did it mean that I loved you like that? gave you all of my heart? i don't know anymore. I used to think so but know I realize part of my agenda was being there for you. It was so very necessary that I be there for you. And when you pushed me away thats when it hurt the worst. it wasn't little things; calling etc, although that was hard. No, it was a bigger picture thing. Then when i realized you really weren't gonna let me in there, let me help, it started to drive me crazy, because I thought i'd done my best and failed. So more so I felt happy and sad to intenser and intenser levels, polarizing my emotions till I arrived at the tired thesis "when you make me happy, nobody does it better. when you drive me crazy, nobody does it better" So finally I decided that you meant enough to me that I couldn't be with you if I wasn't the person that could make you happy. Well I didn't see it, but that's what I knew. i just expressed it as "I can't do this. you're driving me crazy" constantly upset, unsure what to feel cause I couldn't explain anything. So I went to you to try to break it off. I'm not sure exactly how I wanted you to react, i just know what happened wasn't it. I believed I had done everything in my power to be a good girlfriend so logical thought process demanded the conclusion that things couldn't improve. Which meant that I really did want to end it. I didn't want you to agree with me, I think my opinion of myself and the strength of our platonic relationship could've improved so much if you had fought even a little to keep me, reassured me in ways you never did that I so desperately needed to hear that I did mean something more to you than the crazy passionate embraces behind closed doors. But you didn't fight, did you? You made it about you. All of a sudden, you agreed with me, but "hadn't wanted to say anything" does this mean you tried to GET me to give up on you? how could you? you couldn't even give me the dignity of being the one to walk away. better yet, walk away with my heart intact, let alone my pride. So all my convictions were suddenly torn. Cause no matter what you said all of a sudden I couldn't be sure whether or not I had tried my best and failed or whether or not i coul've done something more. Whether it was my fault. You bastard you made me hate myself for not being good enough for you when all I wanted to do for the whole thing was wipe that look off your face, the one you get when I know you're thinking how much you hate yourself. All I wanted was for you to let me in. But here I am. not even at the door anymore. Kicked off the property for tresspassing. holding a broken heart and not sure what to do with it. Can't put it back, for fear it won't work. Can't put it down for fear it'll stain my shoes. stain my soul. Afraid I left it with you.