I'm so totally confused about life right now.
Ok, I made the huge decision that I cannot handle chemotherapy, after finding out that, contrary to what they told me before I did it, the doctors will NOT make sure to alleviate some of the pain. I have spent a week in absolute hell feeling like I was trying to give birth to 25-lb triplets through my knees and hips and elbows. I have NEVER felt pain like that in my life and I hope I never do again. So I told them...I can't handle it. I guess in the back of my mind, I thought that it would make them listen...but their reaction was 'well, we're not going to force you to have chemo, of course". So that was, essentially, that. I come home feeling somewhat proud..hey, I stood up for myself. I said NO MORE PAIN.
Then it hits. Oh, it took a little while. But it hit like a two-ton truck running over a grasshopper.
F***. I'm going to die. Lemme tell ya...that was NOT a Kodak moment.
It's not like it's going to happen right away, of course. It's a slow-growing cancer. So it's going to be long and drawn-out. Fun. Of course, truth be told, I won't let it go too long if it gets to that point. And of course, we never know how long we have...I could walk out my door and get hit by ...well, we've all heard that one, right?
Tonight I'm about as depressed as you can possibly be. But there is something that I want you all to know. LOL if anyone even reads this. But it could happen, so anyway, this is what's in my mind.
I REFUSE to die and not have anyone know I've existed. There is something I am going to do first. Heck if I know what it is. But I'm going to do something, accomplish something besides merely existing. I'm not ordinary, not that there's anything wrong with ordinary, but I'm not.
Of course, I've done a lot in my life. Let's see...I've worked a carnival back when I lived on the East Coast (Interstate Amusements, I still love y'all!) And if Posey's, Home of the Topless Oyster still exists, well, I've still got the T-shirt for it lol. I've raced a car at the speedway, and rolled it over (broke my left pinkie finger). I've been married (and on 10-27-05 I'll be divorced finally) and I've come completely out of the closet, as of about 6 months after I left him in 2000. I've raised a daughter who is practically a mini-me (of whom I am proud) and discovered a granddaughter who fits right into my family...and lost a grandson who came for only a short while (I miss you Nathanial, my little fatface...maybe we'll be eating cookies on the couch together sooner than we thought).
And I'm not even 40 yet.
I've lived several lifes' worth already. What am I complaining about?
Then it hits. Oh, it took a little while. But it hit like a two-ton truck running over a grasshopper.
F***. I'm going to die. Lemme tell ya...that was NOT a Kodak moment.
It's not like it's going to happen right away, of course. It's a slow-growing cancer. So it's going to be long and drawn-out. Fun. Of course, truth be told, I won't let it go too long if it gets to that point. And of course, we never know how long we have...I could walk out my door and get hit by ...well, we've all heard that one, right?
Tonight I'm about as depressed as you can possibly be. But there is something that I want you all to know. LOL if anyone even reads this. But it could happen, so anyway, this is what's in my mind.
I REFUSE to die and not have anyone know I've existed. There is something I am going to do first. Heck if I know what it is. But I'm going to do something, accomplish something besides merely existing. I'm not ordinary, not that there's anything wrong with ordinary, but I'm not.
Of course, I've done a lot in my life. Let's see...I've worked a carnival back when I lived on the East Coast (Interstate Amusements, I still love y'all!) And if Posey's, Home of the Topless Oyster still exists, well, I've still got the T-shirt for it lol. I've raced a car at the speedway, and rolled it over (broke my left pinkie finger). I've been married (and on 10-27-05 I'll be divorced finally) and I've come completely out of the closet, as of about 6 months after I left him in 2000. I've raised a daughter who is practically a mini-me (of whom I am proud) and discovered a granddaughter who fits right into my family...and lost a grandson who came for only a short while (I miss you Nathanial, my little fatface...maybe we'll be eating cookies on the couch together sooner than we thought).
And I'm not even 40 yet.
I've lived several lifes' worth already. What am I complaining about?