(no subject)
What Stephanie wrote last night:
If I sit and think about all the things that have happened to Justin and I throughout our entire relationship and list it all out, its probably much more than what most couples endure in their lifetime....
How it has affected me? That is a different story....
Justin and I have been engaged now for a little over a month...the amazing moment in my life that I felt would change everything. People would be excited for us, the issue with Justin's family would dissolve since, they would see that our relationship was not a mistake, and our passion for one another would grow.
Over the past two weeks I have thought about how bittersweet the whole ordeal has been, and how in knots I have been. The stress levels have increased, my parents are so concerned about me finishing my education that I feel like they are just conditionally happy for us. The whole family thing has just gotten worse and our passion for one another seems to be slowly slipping through my fingers.
Then again when I think about it our whole relationship has been bittersweet....two people who knew each other briefly in the past reunite, have amazing chemistry and battle all those who oppose them being together. Kind shakespeare-ish in a way I guess. He runs away from home to escape the clutches of his manipulative mother, they struggle financially, but are still so madly in love that, that's all they need. 'Livin' on a Prayer' as the great Mr. Bon Jovi said and Justin quotes frequently.
But now what....we're not broke anymore, not living paycheck to paycheck, no fits of passion to distract us from our problems and remind us that no matter what we still have each other. Now it's talk of what can we do next, we just got to the top of the hole...time to move up and add more stress to our lives. Next goal penthouse loft on First Hill we saw the other day.
All of this has done something to me...this time last year I was citygrl84 on several dating websites, I was charming men online to meet me any night of the week for a cocktail at a bar downtown, hanging out with Andrew on weekends eatin' SALTY FRIES. I was lonely at times yes, but I loved my life, because I knew who I was. I knew what I enjoyed, what I wanted out of life, the type of man I wanted to be with.
For those of you reading this including Justin, I may sound like I want to go back to being single...NO WAY JOSE. I am crazy about Justin, he has been the best thing that has happened to me, and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him....this is about balance....taking care of myself as if I were single, but treasuring everything in my relationship
I feel like I am slowly dying inside, losing who the real Stephanie is. Since I left the city I have gained nearly 20 pounds 1/3 of the weight I lost the year before is back on. I have gone dancing once and I have yet to enjoy one of my favorite things to do when I really wanted to enjoy the city...ride my bike along my route to gasworks park, or walking two blocks from my place and sitting at the top of the hill to watch the sunset behind the space needle.
The benefits to leaving the city....I have a place to scrapbook, I'm closer to my parents, and a bigger apartment.
Sure I can go into the city again and share these things with Justin, but it seems like we nor I have the time or energy anymore. It seems like lying head to head on the couch watching a movie is our activity of choice most nights. The sloth state before the comatose state.
I have resolutions to some things...like going on a diet to reverse the suburbian affect, in hopes that I can eventually get to the weight I was aiming for before we moved, so that I will feel confident and beautiful at our wedding. This will in turn help with how awfully I think of myself and my body. Trying to atleast do one fun thing with Justin once a week, so that we don't get bored.
Someone once told me that as long as you are making memories still the relationship is not dead. Despite several images of Justin happy as a clam in my parents pool or the calm relaxed look he gets when he is asleep, it feels like it has been an eternity since we have truly made a memory. Maybe that's why I feel like I am dying inside, is because my soul is slowly being torn out of me as it clings on to its mate for just a few more moments to cherish.
I have questioned myself several times in the past two weeks if I am suffering from a bout of depression, since it seems like small things make me cry now. Like watching stupid chick flicks. I see the hero of the story and think about how Justin is so amazing like the hero in the storyline. I think about what it would be like to lose that, to have to suffer the heartache of losing him for whatever reason. Then at the same time I am constantly nagging him for stupid shit. This awful duality I have suffered with my entire life...laughing then crying, angry then happy...is it manic? How can I be driving away the man I love with every ounce of who I am one minute and then be so distraught at the thought of losing him the next? What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I feel like atleast once a week we get into an argument....I usually am the one who starts it. I bring up asking his boss about full time potential, he gets defensive, we bicker then he gets upset and storms off. The topic of the argument may change, but that pattern remains the same. It happened this morning and he hastily left the car to wait for the train. It broke my heart to see him walking up to the platform all upset, not even looking at me. I was remebering the morning before where he was constantly looking back at me blowing me kisses, smiling and waving goodbye.
I don't know what to do anymore.....I think I should see a doctor to help straighten out my head, but I keep telling myself I am stronger than that. However maybe I do need help... For now I am going to wipe up my puddle of tears and go to bed, grab onto Justin real tight one last time before I get like 5 hours of sleep.
If I sit and think about all the things that have happened to Justin and I throughout our entire relationship and list it all out, its probably much more than what most couples endure in their lifetime....
How it has affected me? That is a different story....
Justin and I have been engaged now for a little over a month...the amazing moment in my life that I felt would change everything. People would be excited for us, the issue with Justin's family would dissolve since, they would see that our relationship was not a mistake, and our passion for one another would grow.
Over the past two weeks I have thought about how bittersweet the whole ordeal has been, and how in knots I have been. The stress levels have increased, my parents are so concerned about me finishing my education that I feel like they are just conditionally happy for us. The whole family thing has just gotten worse and our passion for one another seems to be slowly slipping through my fingers.
Then again when I think about it our whole relationship has been bittersweet....two people who knew each other briefly in the past reunite, have amazing chemistry and battle all those who oppose them being together. Kind shakespeare-ish in a way I guess. He runs away from home to escape the clutches of his manipulative mother, they struggle financially, but are still so madly in love that, that's all they need. 'Livin' on a Prayer' as the great Mr. Bon Jovi said and Justin quotes frequently.
But now what....we're not broke anymore, not living paycheck to paycheck, no fits of passion to distract us from our problems and remind us that no matter what we still have each other. Now it's talk of what can we do next, we just got to the top of the hole...time to move up and add more stress to our lives. Next goal penthouse loft on First Hill we saw the other day.
All of this has done something to me...this time last year I was citygrl84 on several dating websites, I was charming men online to meet me any night of the week for a cocktail at a bar downtown, hanging out with Andrew on weekends eatin' SALTY FRIES. I was lonely at times yes, but I loved my life, because I knew who I was. I knew what I enjoyed, what I wanted out of life, the type of man I wanted to be with.
For those of you reading this including Justin, I may sound like I want to go back to being single...NO WAY JOSE. I am crazy about Justin, he has been the best thing that has happened to me, and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him....this is about balance....taking care of myself as if I were single, but treasuring everything in my relationship
I feel like I am slowly dying inside, losing who the real Stephanie is. Since I left the city I have gained nearly 20 pounds 1/3 of the weight I lost the year before is back on. I have gone dancing once and I have yet to enjoy one of my favorite things to do when I really wanted to enjoy the city...ride my bike along my route to gasworks park, or walking two blocks from my place and sitting at the top of the hill to watch the sunset behind the space needle.
The benefits to leaving the city....I have a place to scrapbook, I'm closer to my parents, and a bigger apartment.
Sure I can go into the city again and share these things with Justin, but it seems like we nor I have the time or energy anymore. It seems like lying head to head on the couch watching a movie is our activity of choice most nights. The sloth state before the comatose state.
I have resolutions to some things...like going on a diet to reverse the suburbian affect, in hopes that I can eventually get to the weight I was aiming for before we moved, so that I will feel confident and beautiful at our wedding. This will in turn help with how awfully I think of myself and my body. Trying to atleast do one fun thing with Justin once a week, so that we don't get bored.
Someone once told me that as long as you are making memories still the relationship is not dead. Despite several images of Justin happy as a clam in my parents pool or the calm relaxed look he gets when he is asleep, it feels like it has been an eternity since we have truly made a memory. Maybe that's why I feel like I am dying inside, is because my soul is slowly being torn out of me as it clings on to its mate for just a few more moments to cherish.
I have questioned myself several times in the past two weeks if I am suffering from a bout of depression, since it seems like small things make me cry now. Like watching stupid chick flicks. I see the hero of the story and think about how Justin is so amazing like the hero in the storyline. I think about what it would be like to lose that, to have to suffer the heartache of losing him for whatever reason. Then at the same time I am constantly nagging him for stupid shit. This awful duality I have suffered with my entire life...laughing then crying, angry then happy...is it manic? How can I be driving away the man I love with every ounce of who I am one minute and then be so distraught at the thought of losing him the next? What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I feel like atleast once a week we get into an argument....I usually am the one who starts it. I bring up asking his boss about full time potential, he gets defensive, we bicker then he gets upset and storms off. The topic of the argument may change, but that pattern remains the same. It happened this morning and he hastily left the car to wait for the train. It broke my heart to see him walking up to the platform all upset, not even looking at me. I was remebering the morning before where he was constantly looking back at me blowing me kisses, smiling and waving goodbye.
I don't know what to do anymore.....I think I should see a doctor to help straighten out my head, but I keep telling myself I am stronger than that. However maybe I do need help... For now I am going to wipe up my puddle of tears and go to bed, grab onto Justin real tight one last time before I get like 5 hours of sleep.