(no subject)
I got my shoulder, only to find it very cold. But I'll give it to him, he didn't shut me out completely. I'm terribly weak now, in body. Appearently I have always been weak in mind. I hate myself so much, even more so now. I should have done so many things differently, but I didn't what's done is done...But still I didn't do what I did because I didn't love him. It's all I can do now to keep from trying to call him. Last night, tho, before getting to talk to him, I got a call from Xauleen. I comforted her as best I could, but I'm not strong as I used to be. I wish I could steal her pain away, but I have to deal with my own before I can start on her. I just wish I knew what to say, to make it all better, at least for a time. But now...I fear the worest in the world. After finally talking to Dracos only to have that cold shoulder, I couldn't take it. He said we'd talk tomorrow, to just get some rest. Being me, this was not possible. So I gave in at about one am, not that I could sleep. He said I woke him up, I curse at myself for that. But I had to know, if he still loves me. He would not answer, telling me to sleep. I was already feeling sick, from womenly pains, all natural, but it was growing to much more. Talking with him I found I was terrible, not only a victum, but a foolish person who could not think, nor could I get myself out of that situation. I should have been able to, and there are many mistakes I made. Being alone for so long, dying for attention, and fear of bothering Dracos are some of my excuses. I hate making excuses, but it's all I can do. I got out of Dracos that he now doubts his love for me, saying I might have well been cheating on him. As harsh as it sounds, his words have a painful ring of truth that kills me. It was then that my body could take no more, and as I vomited like a drunk into my trash can, tears came up and all choked me. I told him to kill me, if he wouldn't love me, he should kill me. At that point he gave up making me sleep, and we talked. But back again were the words of you need rest. I ask him if he'd love me if I went to sleep. He said he would...and as horrible as that sounds now, it was what I needed then. He said he would call if he could do anything today, so I told him I would not bother him untill he did. It is now sick, I'm dying for him to call, but I have a terrible feeling he won't. Over night it wouldn't be hard to decide he no longer loved me, not hard at all. His heart was already won long ago. I was foolish to think otherwise. I told him I loved him and said my goodbye, he told me he loved me and said goodnight. I did my best, and sleep did come. But even as I awoke, a pain grows in me. I'm stressing terribly, holding back tears as my thoughts stray, holding back the vile vomite that comes of my now embelished self disgust. Back to faith I'm begining to turn, for if he leaves me...that and Xauleen will be all I have left. Poor Xauleen, she diserves a much better friend then I. Oh kill me now...he got on aim. How long should I wait before saying ello? I want to die, so bad.