(no subject)
Getting out of Albuquerque is one of the best things I've ever done.
I was scrolling through Instagram today and happened upon a picture from a former co-worker with her and my old boss showing off finger tattoos. Hers were real, the boss's weren't. The caption said, "My boss is cooler than yours."
It gave me all kinds of feels.
First, it reminded me that for the most part, I loved that job. Deeply. That I own the part I played in my own firing. A big part. *shrugs* It made me feel sad, and angry. Regretful.
Then it reminded me of how healing it is to know that I'm not going to walk down the street (or more likely, the grocery store) and be confronted by anyone from me painful past. At least it will be very unlikely. While there, there is always a chance. It's a relatively large town with a small town feel. I almost never went out without seeing at least one person I knew. My pain, my shame, my failure and my trauma almost all live there. Not just the people, but the acutal buildings and landscape is hard to be around. The memories that choke me and make it diffiuclt to grow are attached to places and people in Albuquerque.
It was stifling and I didn't even realize it until I left.
It's like Marie Kondo, but for places. "Does this spark joy?" NO. No, in fact all I could feel was shame, regret, anger, and pain. Instead of removing an item, I removed myself.
I was accused of "running away." But honestly, this feels more like running to something. TO myself. TO my future. TO a stable life of less scarcity and more fullness.
It was painful. It sucked that in order to leave I had to break somone's heart. I'm never happy about hurting somone or betraying their trust. But I fuck up sometimes, and being here has made it a lot easier to forgive myself and not get bogged down in a loop of self flagelation. Part of my brain, even now, is saying that I don't deserve to forgive myself and move on because I messed up, but the predominant feeling is one of acceptance. I accept that I made mistakes. I accept that I cannot unmake those mistakes. I accept that I am here now and doing my best. I appreciate that I am doing my best, and avoiding old patterns.
I am SUPER grateful of the circumstances in my life and the blossoming relationships happening.
I'm trying to be calm and steady, trying not to rush and jump to conclusions.
I AM basking in the fun, and the excitement and NRE. I'll allow myself to enjoy that, but I'm not getting carried away with it. Or, I'm doing my best not to.
I don't really want to go into detail at the moment about my love life, but I'm still in a relatively serious relationship with Jason and I've been seeing a person named Ashley. Being able to live out my polyam daydreams IRL. It's a bit surreal, to be honest. I'll talk about it more when it feels more concrete.
Moving here gave me a much needed change of career paths. I feel 100% like being in human services is where I should be. It is challenging and rewarding. It can be sad, but that's what life is like. I plan on having my appliaction for UND in by the end of February. Then I can solidify my career path a little more. I'm happy at my current job, and I don't anticipate wanting to leave any time soon. In fact, I could actually see myself staying here for the next several years.
I was voted employee of the month in January, and I'm pleased about it. I was so afraid that I was doing terribly, that it was a nice confirmation that I was wrong. I'm doing just fine.
I AM doing just fine.
Not SO SUPER GOOD I CAN HARDLY BEAR IT! Nor so bad that I can hardly bear it.
It's a nice change.
I was scrolling through Instagram today and happened upon a picture from a former co-worker with her and my old boss showing off finger tattoos. Hers were real, the boss's weren't. The caption said, "My boss is cooler than yours."
It gave me all kinds of feels.
First, it reminded me that for the most part, I loved that job. Deeply. That I own the part I played in my own firing. A big part. *shrugs* It made me feel sad, and angry. Regretful.
Then it reminded me of how healing it is to know that I'm not going to walk down the street (or more likely, the grocery store) and be confronted by anyone from me painful past. At least it will be very unlikely. While there, there is always a chance. It's a relatively large town with a small town feel. I almost never went out without seeing at least one person I knew. My pain, my shame, my failure and my trauma almost all live there. Not just the people, but the acutal buildings and landscape is hard to be around. The memories that choke me and make it diffiuclt to grow are attached to places and people in Albuquerque.
It was stifling and I didn't even realize it until I left.
It's like Marie Kondo, but for places. "Does this spark joy?" NO. No, in fact all I could feel was shame, regret, anger, and pain. Instead of removing an item, I removed myself.
I was accused of "running away." But honestly, this feels more like running to something. TO myself. TO my future. TO a stable life of less scarcity and more fullness.
It was painful. It sucked that in order to leave I had to break somone's heart. I'm never happy about hurting somone or betraying their trust. But I fuck up sometimes, and being here has made it a lot easier to forgive myself and not get bogged down in a loop of self flagelation. Part of my brain, even now, is saying that I don't deserve to forgive myself and move on because I messed up, but the predominant feeling is one of acceptance. I accept that I made mistakes. I accept that I cannot unmake those mistakes. I accept that I am here now and doing my best. I appreciate that I am doing my best, and avoiding old patterns.
I am SUPER grateful of the circumstances in my life and the blossoming relationships happening.
I'm trying to be calm and steady, trying not to rush and jump to conclusions.
I AM basking in the fun, and the excitement and NRE. I'll allow myself to enjoy that, but I'm not getting carried away with it. Or, I'm doing my best not to.
I don't really want to go into detail at the moment about my love life, but I'm still in a relatively serious relationship with Jason and I've been seeing a person named Ashley. Being able to live out my polyam daydreams IRL. It's a bit surreal, to be honest. I'll talk about it more when it feels more concrete.
Moving here gave me a much needed change of career paths. I feel 100% like being in human services is where I should be. It is challenging and rewarding. It can be sad, but that's what life is like. I plan on having my appliaction for UND in by the end of February. Then I can solidify my career path a little more. I'm happy at my current job, and I don't anticipate wanting to leave any time soon. In fact, I could actually see myself staying here for the next several years.
I was voted employee of the month in January, and I'm pleased about it. I was so afraid that I was doing terribly, that it was a nice confirmation that I was wrong. I'm doing just fine.
I AM doing just fine.
Not SO SUPER GOOD I CAN HARDLY BEAR IT! Nor so bad that I can hardly bear it.
It's a nice change.