What I wrote for facebook but don't have the bravery to post
What you don't know, is that when you deal with years of psychological abuse and manipulation, you wake up some mornings and your face is wet and you can't breath. You dreamed of him.
Sometimes you can't stop crying and you're not sure why until you realize your brain is playing a compilation of the Worst Moments, on a loop. You can't stop it. And you're back there, and you're watching your favorite person self harm to punish you. For what? Who knows, having feelings probably.
You're being ignored again.
You're being blamed for how he hurt you, over and over again.
And you know if you ever say anything out loud, you'll be the one to take the fall. Not him. He's too powerful, socially. You lost all of your social capitol by leaving him.
And besides all that, you loved him. Love him. You hope desperately that he's ok, that he's worked on himself and healed some. Which only makes it hurt worse that he didn't have that consideration for you while you were together. Or now, probably.
So I'm breaking my silence, a little. I won't go into details because I'm TERRIFIED of the backlash I will undoubtedly get. Because I've never once thought he was a monster, just a hurt person hurting people. But I'm not ok with it, and I put up with it for too long and hid it from view to protect him, but NOW, now I have flashbacks and night terrors and my beloved boyfriend is left picking up the pieces.
And this is better than it was.
It's infuriating, and I'm fucking sick of it.