Rambling

[callmebee]

I'm just a squishy ball of emotions.

They are beautiful and hard and they make me ache with life.  Lean in they say, and I run away. I try.  Until I'm out of breath and my muscles are screaming and it's just a panic attack, but here I am.  Having run too hard away from these things that I don't even need to run from.

It's calm and I catch my breath.

This year has been HARD.

Harder than hard.

Beautifully difficult.

And I am shedding the weight of the What Ifs and Could Have Beens.

Those pretty dreams I once had, that live no more.

They have no place here anymore.

Carrying with me feels like carrying death in my womb.  It feels like never being able to move on.

And I have been ready to move on since before I was ready to move on.

And I'm still not ready all the way.  But this is a start.

This is barriers crashing down.

This is me ttaking a sledghammer to the walls I built, brick by brick, to protect myself.

I don't need them anymore.

There is no one hurling abuse my way.

There is love, kindness, care.

There are friends everywhere I turn.

I may feel like human waste some days, but if the people around me are any judge, I'm wrong.

I'm wrong in the best way.

And it's ok.  To feel these things after especial hard break ups.  It's ok to feel miserable and uncomfortable when things are new, and they don't make sense yet.

I'm happy to stop running for a minute though.  Look around and see the flowers blooming around me.  Tragedy everywhere, but love and support in my life.  So much so that my cup is full enough, for the first time probably since I got a job at Rebel, that I have something to give.

I am a squishy ball of emotion.  It hurts, but it also feels good.

I am safe.

And I can breathe.