(no subject)
I want to talk about my feelings, but they are complicated and confusing.
1. I can't remember what it must have felt like to be with Dan. I mean, I must have really enjoyed it. I know I did. I know that regularly I felt lucky and happy to be in a relationship with him. That has to be true, but I don't remember it. All I feel about him is a sickly feeling of being used up. And I don't actually want that to be the only feelings I can feel about someone I spent 5 years of my time with. And then I start to feel guilty.
I feel guilt for leaving him. I feel guilt for not trying hard enough. For not being good enough to "make it work." I'm sure a lot of this comes from the fact that divorce, through the lense of my upbringing, isn't allowed. Flat out, not allowed. My father has made it clear to my mom, not to me, we haven't spoken about it, that divorce is Wrong and that she should have tried to talk me out of it rather than listen to me when I told her why I was leaving him. Apparently he became very angry and disapointed with me. My mom was a little better, believing me when I told about Dan's manipulation and ability to control me without being overtly controlling. She said, "I believe that sometimes divorce is necesary. But I do not believe in re-marriage after divroce." Becasue religion.
2. I got fired from Rebel Donut for drinking on the job.
(There's a whole story, long and ugly, but it's not as bad as it sounds.)
3. I really got fired from Rebel Donut because I had stopped giving a shit and become an asshole to my abusive boss.
4. I feel disappointed and angry with myself for all of that. I drank shots with employees on the job, against company policy, as a tried and true form of team building. Sounds stupid, and probably is, but it worked so well in the past. Do a slightly naughty deed that isn't going to fuck anything up with a group of your co-workers and feel lighter and mischeivious all day. It's a thing. Ask anyone you've ever known to work in the food industry (longer than a year).
I still did it. It was against the rules and set a bad precedent for employees. It was probably more ok as just an employee causing mischeif, but not as the General Manager.
I turned into an asshole after four years of constantly being put down for good ideas that my boss would later claim as her own. After four years of being blamed when things went wrong. For four years of doing my absolute best and never being "good enough." For cleaning up and helping shape the business from within, and being better at it than my boss, and her resenting me for that. For a staff at one store who continually refused to listen to either kind words of encouragement or harsh words of "do better." I still had no right to behave like a condescending prick to them, and they could have benefited more from me showing them how to do their jobs better, rather than telling them.
The simple fact of the matter is:
I failed.
That's it.
I failed.
There's not avoiding it.
Even with every reason I can give, every excuse I make up in my mind. . . I still failed.
It's ok, but it happened.
No one likes to fail, and all the emotions that are wrapped up in Rebel are also wrapped up in Dan and it creates this swirly confusion. Which feeling goes where? What parts of this was I actually responsible for? What parts make more sense because of the ways in which I was influenced by Dan and my boss, who was so much like him in so many ways.
In the end though, with all the analysis in the world, the outcome remains the same.
I failed.
On two major fronts of my life. Career and relationships.
I failed for a lot of reasons, both internal and external. All of it are things I can take and learn and grow from. I'll be better for it in a few years.
And it's shitty.
And I hate it.
I must have loved Dan, and I know I loved Rebel. And I failed them both. Failed myself in both ways.
Or maybe I really set them both free, or maybe I'm the free one now. I don't know.
But this is a bench mark year of my life, that's for sure. This is the year I got both divorced and fired.
It's kind of a shitty feeling, kind of an ambivalent feeling.
I want to go cry to my parents about how confusing life is, but I've pretty much figured out where they stand with me. It's my fault, and without their Christian God, I'll always be doomed.
My friends are helpful, but I haven't spent much time talking about any of this. Why would I? They all still work at Rebel, and are in unanimous agreement that I'm better off without Dan.
So why would I want to tell them how much losing any of that hurts me? Or how badly I feel about myself within that context. I'm not going to. They don't really want to hear it. They're all getting raises and moving up in the company because I'm gone now.
It's not all bad. I'm just in a boo-hoo kind of mood this morning. Honestly, I know that Good Things are coming my way, and that overall I am actually in a better situation.
Both Rebel and Dan were bad for me. They had become toxic to my wellbeing, and being away from both of them has helped me regain some equilibreum. In another year, in another 5 years, I'll be able to tell you the exact ways in which these losses improved my life. But for now, I'm just gonna be pissed off and sad about it.
1. I can't remember what it must have felt like to be with Dan. I mean, I must have really enjoyed it. I know I did. I know that regularly I felt lucky and happy to be in a relationship with him. That has to be true, but I don't remember it. All I feel about him is a sickly feeling of being used up. And I don't actually want that to be the only feelings I can feel about someone I spent 5 years of my time with. And then I start to feel guilty.
I feel guilt for leaving him. I feel guilt for not trying hard enough. For not being good enough to "make it work." I'm sure a lot of this comes from the fact that divorce, through the lense of my upbringing, isn't allowed. Flat out, not allowed. My father has made it clear to my mom, not to me, we haven't spoken about it, that divorce is Wrong and that she should have tried to talk me out of it rather than listen to me when I told her why I was leaving him. Apparently he became very angry and disapointed with me. My mom was a little better, believing me when I told about Dan's manipulation and ability to control me without being overtly controlling. She said, "I believe that sometimes divorce is necesary. But I do not believe in re-marriage after divroce." Becasue religion.
2. I got fired from Rebel Donut for drinking on the job.
(There's a whole story, long and ugly, but it's not as bad as it sounds.)
3. I really got fired from Rebel Donut because I had stopped giving a shit and become an asshole to my abusive boss.
4. I feel disappointed and angry with myself for all of that. I drank shots with employees on the job, against company policy, as a tried and true form of team building. Sounds stupid, and probably is, but it worked so well in the past. Do a slightly naughty deed that isn't going to fuck anything up with a group of your co-workers and feel lighter and mischeivious all day. It's a thing. Ask anyone you've ever known to work in the food industry (longer than a year).
I still did it. It was against the rules and set a bad precedent for employees. It was probably more ok as just an employee causing mischeif, but not as the General Manager.
I turned into an asshole after four years of constantly being put down for good ideas that my boss would later claim as her own. After four years of being blamed when things went wrong. For four years of doing my absolute best and never being "good enough." For cleaning up and helping shape the business from within, and being better at it than my boss, and her resenting me for that. For a staff at one store who continually refused to listen to either kind words of encouragement or harsh words of "do better." I still had no right to behave like a condescending prick to them, and they could have benefited more from me showing them how to do their jobs better, rather than telling them.
The simple fact of the matter is:
I failed.
That's it.
I failed.
There's not avoiding it.
Even with every reason I can give, every excuse I make up in my mind. . . I still failed.
It's ok, but it happened.
No one likes to fail, and all the emotions that are wrapped up in Rebel are also wrapped up in Dan and it creates this swirly confusion. Which feeling goes where? What parts of this was I actually responsible for? What parts make more sense because of the ways in which I was influenced by Dan and my boss, who was so much like him in so many ways.
In the end though, with all the analysis in the world, the outcome remains the same.
I failed.
On two major fronts of my life. Career and relationships.
I failed for a lot of reasons, both internal and external. All of it are things I can take and learn and grow from. I'll be better for it in a few years.
And it's shitty.
And I hate it.
I must have loved Dan, and I know I loved Rebel. And I failed them both. Failed myself in both ways.
Or maybe I really set them both free, or maybe I'm the free one now. I don't know.
But this is a bench mark year of my life, that's for sure. This is the year I got both divorced and fired.
It's kind of a shitty feeling, kind of an ambivalent feeling.
I want to go cry to my parents about how confusing life is, but I've pretty much figured out where they stand with me. It's my fault, and without their Christian God, I'll always be doomed.
My friends are helpful, but I haven't spent much time talking about any of this. Why would I? They all still work at Rebel, and are in unanimous agreement that I'm better off without Dan.
So why would I want to tell them how much losing any of that hurts me? Or how badly I feel about myself within that context. I'm not going to. They don't really want to hear it. They're all getting raises and moving up in the company because I'm gone now.
It's not all bad. I'm just in a boo-hoo kind of mood this morning. Honestly, I know that Good Things are coming my way, and that overall I am actually in a better situation.
Both Rebel and Dan were bad for me. They had become toxic to my wellbeing, and being away from both of them has helped me regain some equilibreum. In another year, in another 5 years, I'll be able to tell you the exact ways in which these losses improved my life. But for now, I'm just gonna be pissed off and sad about it.