(no subject)
This post has the possibility of being a long one, therefore...
Alright, so here is an interesting tidbit. I woke up the first time at like 8, then set my alarm til later and went back to sleep, right? I didnt wake up until after 9, which cancelled out sunday school. I didn't feel good, and I had the urge to go back to sleep and forget church. Ten minutes later, I look at the clock (quarter til 10) and suddenly have the need to go, even if it meant being late. So I got there, and the sermon today was amazing. Probably not for everyone, but it hit me in more places than one, some very personal. It encompassed a lot of things that I really needed to hear, even though a few were hard to listen to for me.
As of late I've had this habit of saying things like, someday I will be a good friend, someday i will be myself, someday i will be the kind of follower God deserves, someday i will really work to make my life around him, someday...
Well, Someday is never going to happen without today. And if, every today that comes my way, i end up saying that 'someday' i will make a change in my life, but for now i'm doing the best I can, and there isnt anything else I can do, then Someday will never come.
When I look around, I see the fellow Christians that are my age struggling through countless trials. The things that I see people going through are amazing. For me, while I know somewhere in my heart that nothing can be better than the Love of Christ, I find myself forgetting that, and focusing on the negativities of life. There is no one I can be myself around, I'm consumed with loneliness, I am not being a good follower of my faith, things I love keep being taken from me, I can't deal with my mom anymore, I'm failing my sister, failing to help my friends through things that I should help them through, especially considering that I've been through very similar things. Somehow, Life drags me down to the point where I'm losing a struggle to stay afloat. Things keep getting worse, and I forget about God. Sure, I pray, but its almost like going through the motions, I'm so caught up in whats going on. I pray, but forget to praise. I cry, but forget to laugh. But then, I talk to adults who know Christ, who have been through similar things. And all they have to say is how wonderful my life will be now, how amazing my discoveries will be. At first I wonder if they are referring to the same thing, if we are on the same wavelength so to speak. Then I take a moment, and look at what I'm doing. Yes, what I'm going through is awful, at least from my perspective, but it serves a purpose. I might not see what exactly that purpose is, but its there. When I look back on these experiences as an adult, if I remember them, I want to say I won, and didnt let things get the better of me. Life is not so bad. True, there are things that seem unbearable, but there is worse out there. Its not worth giving up. Its not worth closing yourself up and saying you don't care. You can't go through life being numb, and you shouldn't. Living your life for Christ should be a wonderful thing, and is. But without knowing it, I've listened to Satan whispering in my ear. I caught myself before I fell, but the cycle is starting over again. He'll always be there, but so will God, and I know he won't give up on me. When I look at what I have, really look, I'm awed by how much I've been blessed. I'm sick of my 'Somedays.' And I'm sick of listening to myself complaining about these masks I've had to wear. Because I put them there to begin with, and even hardened plaster can come off. Life's tripped me up a couple of times, but I've always been able to get up. I've been hurt, but I've hurt others more than I can ever atone for. Whats done is done. Its time for me to step up and actually live up to the name of Christian. Yeah, I realize I wrote a lot, and good luck following my thought patterns, but thats some of whats been on my mind. And I want all of my friends to know that, although I haven't been there, for any of them, that I'm here now. I care about all of you. Thats all I really have to say for now. There's more, but I don't really feel that it needs to be said right now.
to avoid taking up your friends pages.
I'm going to a classical piano concert at 3 today, which should be cool. And then the concert in Smith River tonight. I've got to go finish cleaning my room and such.
Alright, so here is an interesting tidbit. I woke up the first time at like 8, then set my alarm til later and went back to sleep, right? I didnt wake up until after 9, which cancelled out sunday school. I didn't feel good, and I had the urge to go back to sleep and forget church. Ten minutes later, I look at the clock (quarter til 10) and suddenly have the need to go, even if it meant being late. So I got there, and the sermon today was amazing. Probably not for everyone, but it hit me in more places than one, some very personal. It encompassed a lot of things that I really needed to hear, even though a few were hard to listen to for me.
As of late I've had this habit of saying things like, someday I will be a good friend, someday i will be myself, someday i will be the kind of follower God deserves, someday i will really work to make my life around him, someday...
Well, Someday is never going to happen without today. And if, every today that comes my way, i end up saying that 'someday' i will make a change in my life, but for now i'm doing the best I can, and there isnt anything else I can do, then Someday will never come.
When I look around, I see the fellow Christians that are my age struggling through countless trials. The things that I see people going through are amazing. For me, while I know somewhere in my heart that nothing can be better than the Love of Christ, I find myself forgetting that, and focusing on the negativities of life. There is no one I can be myself around, I'm consumed with loneliness, I am not being a good follower of my faith, things I love keep being taken from me, I can't deal with my mom anymore, I'm failing my sister, failing to help my friends through things that I should help them through, especially considering that I've been through very similar things. Somehow, Life drags me down to the point where I'm losing a struggle to stay afloat. Things keep getting worse, and I forget about God. Sure, I pray, but its almost like going through the motions, I'm so caught up in whats going on. I pray, but forget to praise. I cry, but forget to laugh. But then, I talk to adults who know Christ, who have been through similar things. And all they have to say is how wonderful my life will be now, how amazing my discoveries will be. At first I wonder if they are referring to the same thing, if we are on the same wavelength so to speak. Then I take a moment, and look at what I'm doing. Yes, what I'm going through is awful, at least from my perspective, but it serves a purpose. I might not see what exactly that purpose is, but its there. When I look back on these experiences as an adult, if I remember them, I want to say I won, and didnt let things get the better of me. Life is not so bad. True, there are things that seem unbearable, but there is worse out there. Its not worth giving up. Its not worth closing yourself up and saying you don't care. You can't go through life being numb, and you shouldn't. Living your life for Christ should be a wonderful thing, and is. But without knowing it, I've listened to Satan whispering in my ear. I caught myself before I fell, but the cycle is starting over again. He'll always be there, but so will God, and I know he won't give up on me. When I look at what I have, really look, I'm awed by how much I've been blessed. I'm sick of my 'Somedays.' And I'm sick of listening to myself complaining about these masks I've had to wear. Because I put them there to begin with, and even hardened plaster can come off. Life's tripped me up a couple of times, but I've always been able to get up. I've been hurt, but I've hurt others more than I can ever atone for. Whats done is done. Its time for me to step up and actually live up to the name of Christian. Yeah, I realize I wrote a lot, and good luck following my thought patterns, but thats some of whats been on my mind. And I want all of my friends to know that, although I haven't been there, for any of them, that I'm here now. I care about all of you. Thats all I really have to say for now. There's more, but I don't really feel that it needs to be said right now.
to avoid taking up your friends pages.
I'm going to a classical piano concert at 3 today, which should be cool. And then the concert in Smith River tonight. I've got to go finish cleaning my room and such.