you'll never be the same
today was the hardest day I've ever had to deal with in peer leadership.
ohhhheart: ugh fjdlasfdjl I have so much to tell you about todayyyy
bluemonkey198: start now
ohhhheart: it was simultaneously the hardest and the best day
bluemonkey198: (god i love thsi font)
ohhhheart: "start from the beginning, and when you get to the end, stop"
ohhhheart: I remember that whenever I need to tell a story
ohhhheart: okay anyway
bluemonkey198: where is that from /
ohhhheart: so I walk into peer leadership, ready to face the day, and am immediately met with a bunch of sobbing faces
ohhhheart: ALICE IN WONDERLAND
ohhhheart: when they're at the tea party, I think
bluemonkey198: really ?
bluemonkey198: i must have over looked that
bluemonkey198: i'll read it again, i'm in the looking glass now
ohhhheart: anyway, I had forgotten that today is when we do the "fish bowl," which is where we have somebody do a one-on-one, but the trainees will one-by-one go inside and act as the peer leader while the other trainee gets the counseling
ohhhheart: but this was unlike any other fishbowl I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot in four years) because this was the worst story I have ever heard in my life
ohhhheart: so the minute I walk through the door three of the other peer leaders rush at me, tell me what the girl has already said, and say "okay we're trying to find mr. wright but until then could you take her and talk to her because you're good and we need somebody to calm her down"
ohhhheart: and I'm, like, freaking out trying not to cry just from hearing her story in two sentences so I'm like "agh jdlkjfldk I haven't been hereeee can somebody else do it?" so tabitha took her
ohhhheart: but then we found mr. wright and he sent the message that he wanted ME to talk to her so I went in, and that's what I was doing at lunch, hearing the worst story I have ever heard
ohhhheart: but in the end tabitha and I were able to let her just get it out, which is what she needed, and she said that she trusted us all and was glad and felt better
ohhhheart: so thank GOD that girl is in the program
ohhhheart: so I'm thinking "okay, I can calm down after lunch"
ohhhheart: but then mr. wright wants to do another fishbowl
ohhhheart: so I'm like "okay, nothing can top that one"
ohhhheart: but being there the whole time, I got frustrated, because the new girl who was doing it was saying all these things and telling all these stories of the bad stuff in her life, but she wasn't saying her emotions
ohhhheart: and she kept on leaving clues like "well I felt like crap but I don't deal with that" or "my sister is better with emotions, I don't like emotions" and I was like "WHY ISN'T ANYBODY PICKING UP ON THIS GIRL'S REAL PROBLEM"
ohhhheart: so I went to emily ramsey, who was in charge of this one, and asked if I could go in, just to get the girl to start feeling because otherwise this would have all been for nothing and nobody would have learned anything
bluemonkey198: so was this girl i nthe program ?
ohhhheart: so after a few more people I went in and sat down, and this is pretty much what happened
girl: (finishes up her sentence) ... hey liz!
me: hey baby. so (summarizes)
girl: yeah
me: but you don't deal with it
girl: well, I guess
me: why are you here?
girl: because... because I want to be better
me: so why don't you start now?
girl: what do you mean?
me: I mean, you're telling us a story, but you're not being real
girl: (slower) what do you mean?
me: I mean, you're not being real with your emotions
ohhhheart: girl: well I don't know how I feel
me: well think about it
girl: I don't usually think about it
me: you have time to think about it now
girl: (looks down. wells up.)
me: (silent)
girl: I guess... (says something that made me want to cry)
me: (silent)
girl: (silent, then thirty seconds later said another thing)
me: (silent)
girl: (silent, then thiry seconds later said another thing)
ohhhheart: and then I got tapped out
ohhhheart: and the whole time I wanted to hold her and tell her I was sorry for making her go through the pain but she has to, she has to, and she was feeling it and I was feeling it and I wanted to hold her, but all I could do was sit there and be silent because she had to, you know?
ohhhheart: and she told me later that she hated me then, that she thought I didn't believe her, and that it wasn't fair how I got her to feel and "in her limbic" (which is what we say when the person stops thinking and starts feeling) without her realizing it
ohhhheart: but that she loves me for it and is glad I came in
ohhhheart: and everyond has been like "YOU WERE AMAZING" and I am like "yeah, I made a girl cry. good for me. everyone should lead peers like me."
ohhhheart: and yes, the people who tell their problems in the fishbowl are also training to be peer leaders
bluemonkey198: yo uare a great person , i like you you are theveteran people helper
ohhhheart: I still feel so bad for making her cry
bluemonkey198: wow
ohhhheart: I mean, it was the point of everything I said
bluemonkey198: she needed it
ohhhheart: but it still hurts me to think about it, about what she was feeling
ohhhheart: but I know she'll be better now and can maybe start to heal
bluemonkey198: but you shoudl think about waht you''ve done for her
bluemonkey198: you've made her make the connections she needs to make
ohhhheart: oh man
ohhhhear: I had forgotten what it feels like
ohhhheart: I haven't done a real one on one in forever
bluemonkey198: to do one on ones?
ohhhheart: so it was so hard so hard, like, sitting there because I always take on pain, even if I tell myself not to
ohhhheart: but today was also good because not only did mr. wright inadvertantly tell me that I am good at them, and not only did the other peer leaders tell me verbally that I am the best at them and then start calling me "ms. wright", but I felt it in myself, "this is something I am good at"
ohhhheart: and "maybe I do have something to give"
ohhhheart: so maybe now I am on the way to being helpful for people and feeling real
bluemonkey198: if you stop and thkn about it
ohhhheart: and then the rest of the day I was asleep, when we weren't really doing anything, and people noticed and came over and asked if I was alright, and jade got all worried for me and I was like "ohhh I love everybody"
bluemonkey198: aaww
bluemonkey198: you've always fot somethign to give
bluemonkey198: you have for such a real time
and then he brb'd.
cindy needs to start uploading to her flickr again. especially since she inspires me to work on my photography. ... clearly. she needs a tag for my journal now. what the heckkk. way to insert yourself way into my life, girl. <3
tonight we were all at victor's but I was kind of an emotional wreck and un-fun. maybe next time.
I realize I barely know adderly. I've only hung out with him four times now. but I already miss him.
aghhh. I'm too tired to talk now, haha.