Where are you, Christmas?
Day One of Not Wallowing: Mildly acceptable. -_- It's going to be a bit on the hard side.
I got an e-mail from him today that left me so frustrated--not with him and not with myself, but with God. I'm trying so hard to trust His will and accept this trial, but it is hard when I have no idea why I'm going through it. Well, all right, I have some idea, but not entirely. It's very stressing, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I am reminded of when I was fifteen and learning how to drive. Momma took me to my uncle's house, but told me I couldn't wear flip flops: they had to be close-toed shoes. I asked her why. I don't know if she didn't have an answer or was just flustered, but she told me because she said so. Instead of being the dutiful daughter, rolling my eyes and doing it anyway, I demanded an answer. I absolutely had to know why. It caused a huge argument and we went driving angry and in tears.
I'm trying really hard to not let that happen now, but I still want to demand why. Why, God, is this a good idea, when we were both so happy and so in love? Why are we both so very miserable? I'm putting forth all my effort to trust in Him and trust this is for my good, but still. I wish I understood.
If I ever do understand, it probably won't be for quite some time. There has to be something huge I need to be learning from this, and eventually I'll look back and be grateful, but it's difficult when I live in the moment, not the future. I can't see the end from the beginning because I don't know what the end is. I don't know where I'm going.
My dad has been known to say, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there." That's how I feel right now. I have no idea where I'm going, so any road will do. But that is also a scary prospect. I want to have a destination in mind; I want to know where I'm going, and how I'm going to get there, partially because I'm a control freak (shocking, I know), and partially because if I don't know, then how do I know if I'm on the wrong road? I'm not, but what if I am? I worry about it.
I need more things to do. When school ends at 3:30, I have nothing to do. Even being with other people isn't always enough because if my mind isn't actively engaged, I'm thinking of him. And (as previously stated) everything reminds me of him, so I'm never safe. I think about him all through school, all after school, and, sadly, I even dream about him, so sleep isn't even a reprieve.
Ugh. No wallowing!
It will be easier to not wallow when I no longer miss him with every breath I take (will that ever happen?)
I'm trying to distract myself, that is stay occupied, by blog stalking. I can't bother to read books at the moment (or watch movies or eat food or enjoy life), but I can read other people's lives. Of course, that is perilously dangerous, as everyone else is happy and full of family units. Maybe I need to read more single people's blogs. Why don't more of my single friends have blogs? Is it a requirement to be married to blog? It's not! I've been writing in my livejournal since 2001 and I'm desperately single! C'mon, single people, unite!
There's probably a whole slew of single people blogs. I just don't like them. My interests lie in marriage and family and childbirth, so blogs I really like to follow are centered around those things.
Great. My livejournal doesn't even fall into that category.
Anywho. I successfully didn't wallow as much as I did yesterday. I just keep a constant cry out to my Heavenly Father to help me when I'm feeling close to panicking. He answers. He always does.
Good things about today:
Life keeps going. So do I. One day, I will look back at this and laugh. No, really, I will. Just see if I don't.
"Just give me his phone number and I'll make HIM be the one who's crying!" ~~A Student
I got an e-mail from him today that left me so frustrated--not with him and not with myself, but with God. I'm trying so hard to trust His will and accept this trial, but it is hard when I have no idea why I'm going through it. Well, all right, I have some idea, but not entirely. It's very stressing, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I am reminded of when I was fifteen and learning how to drive. Momma took me to my uncle's house, but told me I couldn't wear flip flops: they had to be close-toed shoes. I asked her why. I don't know if she didn't have an answer or was just flustered, but she told me because she said so. Instead of being the dutiful daughter, rolling my eyes and doing it anyway, I demanded an answer. I absolutely had to know why. It caused a huge argument and we went driving angry and in tears.
I'm trying really hard to not let that happen now, but I still want to demand why. Why, God, is this a good idea, when we were both so happy and so in love? Why are we both so very miserable? I'm putting forth all my effort to trust in Him and trust this is for my good, but still. I wish I understood.
If I ever do understand, it probably won't be for quite some time. There has to be something huge I need to be learning from this, and eventually I'll look back and be grateful, but it's difficult when I live in the moment, not the future. I can't see the end from the beginning because I don't know what the end is. I don't know where I'm going.
My dad has been known to say, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there." That's how I feel right now. I have no idea where I'm going, so any road will do. But that is also a scary prospect. I want to have a destination in mind; I want to know where I'm going, and how I'm going to get there, partially because I'm a control freak (shocking, I know), and partially because if I don't know, then how do I know if I'm on the wrong road? I'm not, but what if I am? I worry about it.
I need more things to do. When school ends at 3:30, I have nothing to do. Even being with other people isn't always enough because if my mind isn't actively engaged, I'm thinking of him. And (as previously stated) everything reminds me of him, so I'm never safe. I think about him all through school, all after school, and, sadly, I even dream about him, so sleep isn't even a reprieve.
Ugh. No wallowing!
It will be easier to not wallow when I no longer miss him with every breath I take (will that ever happen?)
I'm trying to distract myself, that is stay occupied, by blog stalking. I can't bother to read books at the moment (or watch movies or eat food or enjoy life), but I can read other people's lives. Of course, that is perilously dangerous, as everyone else is happy and full of family units. Maybe I need to read more single people's blogs. Why don't more of my single friends have blogs? Is it a requirement to be married to blog? It's not! I've been writing in my livejournal since 2001 and I'm desperately single! C'mon, single people, unite!
There's probably a whole slew of single people blogs. I just don't like them. My interests lie in marriage and family and childbirth, so blogs I really like to follow are centered around those things.
Great. My livejournal doesn't even fall into that category.
Anywho. I successfully didn't wallow as much as I did yesterday. I just keep a constant cry out to my Heavenly Father to help me when I'm feeling close to panicking. He answers. He always does.
Good things about today:
- The sun came out, despite the rain
- Momma made Felicity a St. Patrick's Day dress, and it's really cute
- Dinner was pretty good
- So was lunch
- I bought a plane ticket to Fargo (I should be more upset about dropping almost $500, but I'm not)
- I got an e-mail that made me feel less like a pathetic loser and more like one half of a suffering...uh...hermit crab (?)
- Momma is still here
- I read my students' journals today, and a couple of the girls wrote very sweet things to me last Monday. I am well loved
- I am loved, by God, Christ, and my family
- I didn't have to teach math today (although HALF those little blighters didn't turn in their homework...but I digress)
- I got a little closer to my Father in Heaven
- I got to wear jeans to work
- I successfully got through science, even though the Bill Nye video I tried to show didn't work
- My Centers kids made me smile
- I wore my favourite black shirt
- I read the first chapter of Illusions and can't wait for it to come out
- I got to vociferously declare my love for Tamani
- Laura called
- I was on time to work
- I didn't miss bus duty
- My kids are better behaved than the other 5th grade classrooms
- My demon child didn't "acquire" anything today
- I had a nice, hot shower
Life keeps going. So do I. One day, I will look back at this and laugh. No, really, I will. Just see if I don't.
"Just give me his phone number and I'll make HIM be the one who's crying!" ~~A Student