(no subject)
I never know what to say anymore. I've had this underlying gloom surrounding me for awhile now and sometimes I can push it down, swallow the grief and remember the optimist I used to be but most days I want to curl up on the couch and not do anything. I'm exhausted keeping in the things I refuse to talk about. Exhausted, ashamed and not too confident. That's a recipe for disaster right there. Most days I am ok with being this person, today I'm angry about it. There is so much I need to say, but I don't want to utter a word. When did I get this way. So many answers flying in my head, all this time I've been pairing them with the wrong questions. I just want to be a completely different person right now.. is that so much to ask? It's a new year, but I am naive to believe days passing on a calendar will change anything. I am naive to think that anyone or anything can change. I only have myself to rely on and at least I have that. Most of the time. This turned out to be a lot whinier than I wanted it to be, and with each word I type I kind of want to slap myself in the face. Things aren't great, but they definitely aren't terrible and I need to keep reminding myself of that. Shut the fuck up and make my own changes. Quit waiting for the things around me to move in the direction I want, and change direction myself. I don't like myself much at all these days and Self, I promise that I am going to be different. I won't let you down.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.