here comes the sun
so if you've been following, my life recently had spun out of control and torpedoed into one of the worst life lows i'd ever experienced. but this weekend, things seemed to genuinely turn around.
actually things started looking up last week, as you know.. but i'd been trying to keep myself from getting too excited about things lest i crash and sink into an even deeper level of misery. i just wanted to take things a day at a time and let things be "okay." i didn't wanna feel happiness because i knew that allowing myself to feel happiness would make me vulnerable to feeling sadness as well. so in a way, i turned off my capacity for feeling. and i went through the week on a task-oriented basis, just completing the things that needed to get done, and feeling "okay." in the end..
then last night, i went out with michelle, her roommate, and another girl from our program, tova. i texted a bunch of sfc people, including ryan and his friend pao, but ryan and the other sfc people had an out of town trip planned. pao on the other hand had no plans, so he along with a couple of ryan's cousins and another friend swung by red maple later on in the night.
the music was terrible, and we didn't have the luxury of a table, but i found myself actually having a good time. with only one cocktail in my system, the feeling was genuine. i don't know what it was really. perhaps the knowledge that i wasn't alone? i mean, this is the first time really i've had the experience of meeting a whole new set of filipinos within a week of hanging out with an old set of filipinos that i hadn't really hung out with before that were somehow connected thus making the world seem small (does that make sense?) ... anyway it made me really see i guess, that people are there if you seek them out.
i went home earlier than last week because like i said, the music sucked. and i went to bed but didn't sleep. i don't know why, but i just couldn't fall asleep. it wasn't even that i had a lot on my mind or anything, or that the night was particularly exciting... but i just wouldn't fall asleep. so i just talked to God, and i told Him (again) what i was feeling... grateful that he gave me an enjoyable night... but also afraid of slipping back into loneliness... reluctant to accept the prospect of contentment because that would mean having my rhythm disrupted again at some point... and so many other feelings that i couldn't verbalize but i knew He understood. so i just lay there and said, "it's You and me." and i'd find comfort in just knowing that.
around 7 i decided sleep wasn't happening and i went online to talk to miki. i told him that i wanted a mcgriddle for breakfast, and he cajoled me into indulging. i really wanted to anyway, i mean, i work hard all week i think i should get a free pass on weekends :P ... so when he left to get a massage, i left to get my first mickey d's breakfast in AGES... i ordered a mcgriddle with egg and cheese, a hashbrown and an iced mocha. and boy... i'd forgotten how good mcgriddles are... and i was in absolute heaven. best breakfast i've had in a long long time.
after that, i went to study for my midterm in the sun room. the martins went out to the farmers market, so i had most of the morning to study quietly and peacefully out back. i finished my readings, and read my notes just around lunch time and figured i'd go out to get some food. there was a place i've been curious about anyway. so i drove to belvedere market, and browsed the goods, finally deciding on a chocolate velvet cupcake with raspberry cream, some hummus, bread, and a pack of snickerdoodles. i could taste everything even before i put anything in my mouth, and as i left the place, the sun shone brightly and... i found a skip in my step. i actually DID skip. and i looked up, and squinted at the sky which was the perfect shade of blue... and i smiled.
for the first time since i left manila, i smiled for no reason other than that everything seemed to make sense at THAT very moment.
then as i drove home, "mighty to save" came on the radio.. and for some reason, i really felt like crying. but a good cry this time. just like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and God was saying, "See? You were never alone."
and i let Him in...
i realized that though i had been asking Him all this time to come into my life and FIX it, i was also preventing Him from doing so because everytime i felt some sort of relief, i sabotaged it by saying it wasn't real, and that it would just turn sour soon... i was afraid to feel pain so i didn't even want to feel joy... forgetting that there is no greater joy than that which He provides... especially when it doesn't come from some climactic event, but just from something so mundane as the sky being blue.
i don't know what's going to happen after this... but i do know that there is a mantra that brings me the sense of peace i've been yearning for... "it's You and me." and if i can just rest on that, things are going to be alright.
actually things started looking up last week, as you know.. but i'd been trying to keep myself from getting too excited about things lest i crash and sink into an even deeper level of misery. i just wanted to take things a day at a time and let things be "okay." i didn't wanna feel happiness because i knew that allowing myself to feel happiness would make me vulnerable to feeling sadness as well. so in a way, i turned off my capacity for feeling. and i went through the week on a task-oriented basis, just completing the things that needed to get done, and feeling "okay." in the end..
then last night, i went out with michelle, her roommate, and another girl from our program, tova. i texted a bunch of sfc people, including ryan and his friend pao, but ryan and the other sfc people had an out of town trip planned. pao on the other hand had no plans, so he along with a couple of ryan's cousins and another friend swung by red maple later on in the night.
the music was terrible, and we didn't have the luxury of a table, but i found myself actually having a good time. with only one cocktail in my system, the feeling was genuine. i don't know what it was really. perhaps the knowledge that i wasn't alone? i mean, this is the first time really i've had the experience of meeting a whole new set of filipinos within a week of hanging out with an old set of filipinos that i hadn't really hung out with before that were somehow connected thus making the world seem small (does that make sense?) ... anyway it made me really see i guess, that people are there if you seek them out.
i went home earlier than last week because like i said, the music sucked. and i went to bed but didn't sleep. i don't know why, but i just couldn't fall asleep. it wasn't even that i had a lot on my mind or anything, or that the night was particularly exciting... but i just wouldn't fall asleep. so i just talked to God, and i told Him (again) what i was feeling... grateful that he gave me an enjoyable night... but also afraid of slipping back into loneliness... reluctant to accept the prospect of contentment because that would mean having my rhythm disrupted again at some point... and so many other feelings that i couldn't verbalize but i knew He understood. so i just lay there and said, "it's You and me." and i'd find comfort in just knowing that.
around 7 i decided sleep wasn't happening and i went online to talk to miki. i told him that i wanted a mcgriddle for breakfast, and he cajoled me into indulging. i really wanted to anyway, i mean, i work hard all week i think i should get a free pass on weekends :P ... so when he left to get a massage, i left to get my first mickey d's breakfast in AGES... i ordered a mcgriddle with egg and cheese, a hashbrown and an iced mocha. and boy... i'd forgotten how good mcgriddles are... and i was in absolute heaven. best breakfast i've had in a long long time.
after that, i went to study for my midterm in the sun room. the martins went out to the farmers market, so i had most of the morning to study quietly and peacefully out back. i finished my readings, and read my notes just around lunch time and figured i'd go out to get some food. there was a place i've been curious about anyway. so i drove to belvedere market, and browsed the goods, finally deciding on a chocolate velvet cupcake with raspberry cream, some hummus, bread, and a pack of snickerdoodles. i could taste everything even before i put anything in my mouth, and as i left the place, the sun shone brightly and... i found a skip in my step. i actually DID skip. and i looked up, and squinted at the sky which was the perfect shade of blue... and i smiled.
for the first time since i left manila, i smiled for no reason other than that everything seemed to make sense at THAT very moment.
then as i drove home, "mighty to save" came on the radio.. and for some reason, i really felt like crying. but a good cry this time. just like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and God was saying, "See? You were never alone."
and i let Him in...
i realized that though i had been asking Him all this time to come into my life and FIX it, i was also preventing Him from doing so because everytime i felt some sort of relief, i sabotaged it by saying it wasn't real, and that it would just turn sour soon... i was afraid to feel pain so i didn't even want to feel joy... forgetting that there is no greater joy than that which He provides... especially when it doesn't come from some climactic event, but just from something so mundane as the sky being blue.
i don't know what's going to happen after this... but i do know that there is a mantra that brings me the sense of peace i've been yearning for... "it's You and me." and if i can just rest on that, things are going to be alright.