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[callingghosts]

I couldn't sleep today until almost, 6 P.M. I assumed this would happen. I think everything of the last few months has finally caught up with me in one, single, swoop. So, maybe if I just get it out of my head all at once I'll do better. That's the plan anyway

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[callingghosts]

I've, pretty much, stopped going out, at least to clubs. I have no more interest in goth nights, or really scenes in general. I have nothing against them, per say, but they're just too indicative of biased, judgmental, clique based mentalities that just don't work for me any more. I want and need to be around people who stimulate me, who can talk about more than just what a bitch someone is, how the new album is crap, how no good music has been released since 1989, and how someone in a white T-shirt is not worth talking to. I understand that these aren't the entirety of what's there but, lets face it, they're not uncommon. I just don't want that kind of thing in my life anymore and I refuse to invite it.

That isn't to say I dislike the people themselves either. We know an amazing collection of people who frequent those haunts, pun intended, who are some of the finest caliber of human beings I imagine the world has to offer. They're artists and well meaning miscreants, responsible deviants, promoters, musicians and people who really pour their souls out into the world trying to make it better. It's just the environments that they sometimes like to frequent, I find toxic and rather unpleasant.

As for the loss of Kass? I agree. I didn't know her well, but there's a positive message to come out of all tragedy - it's just a matter of finding it. I feel a great sense of empathy for a lot of the people she touched, especially Vaughn, and I just wish there was some way I could soothe the pain I imagine them all to be feeling. Still, I know I can't. All I can do is repeatedly hold out my hand and be there should they need to use it. That has to be enough because there's nothing more I can do.

Yeah, I've considered and done counseling. I think it provided me with some vital things I needed at the time, but I have a fundamental problem with not being able to sort out issues on my own. Obviously ones that I feel cripple me or make me unable to really live life, I would seek help for, as well as should I ever feel the urge to do myself some kind of harm outside of drinking and smoking. Right now, I think I really need to sort out the pieces for myself as it will be the best thing to help me go forward. Even if I have someone else just try and tell me where they think I should go (friends don't count, of course), I think a lot of what I really need to gain from what I'm going through would be lost.

I'll be in touch. Maybe some more meat and a couple of beers is just what we need.