(no subject)
I couldn't sleep today until almost, 6 P.M. I assumed this would happen. I think everything of the last few months has finally caught up with me in one, single, swoop. So, maybe if I just get it out of my head all at once I'll do better. That's the plan anyway.
Some of you may know, others may not, my Grandmother died in April. She was the most quintessential person in my life, for as long as she was in it. She took me in off the streets, taught me what it really meant to tell the truth, what it meant to be there for someone, what it meant to really stand up, beside those who matter to you, and to never blindly accept any substitutes or charlatans who might pose otherwise. Sure, she didn't always stick to these things, or the countless other lessons she taught me about how to be a good person, but that's not the point. The point is she taught them to me. She shaped me and now she's gone.
I spent a month in Maine after that, for reasons I'd rather not get into details about again, and we'll just say that probably didn't do me much in the ways of good. It highlighted a lot of dormant, barely relevant, memories that shed a somewhat forgotten perspective on them. It also highlighted the fact that I still wrestle with a lot of things involving loss, change in general, and an ability to let go when I should.
I haven't really come to any kind of grips with this yet either, which hasn't helped dealing with anything, but I'm not entirely sure how. Where I once felt an endless stream of stability and constants, I now simply feel a void. I've tried everything from writing it, to simply carrying on living as she'd have want me to done, to trying to drown it, choke it out with smoke, walk it off, think it through, or simply feel what's really there. Nothing has helped, not one bit, and it has left me exceptionally worn and tired. It's been a vicious storm, and it shows no signs of slowing down.
Next, there has been some considerable tension between myself and people from my past. In a lot of cases it's because I've finally sat down to look at them, to put the perspective in place, and see things as they were rather than how I wanted. This isn't bad, not by any means, but it's been taxing and difficult. It has driven some people from my life, which isn't a bad thing at all, but it has also made it much easier for wedges to fall in places they might otherwise have not.
There's been some talk of how I've "changed" too, which I feel a very real need to sit down and address.
There was a period in my life where I made some choices I would not have otherwise made. This was the time that came about right after I moved out of my Grandmother's and she went into a home. To say this time was difficult, would be an understatement. I look back on that time, on my feelings then, on my emotions, at my need to provide for someone, and it sheds a lot very interesting light on the situations of that time in general. Still, there is one very important thing I need to say about that time, about the person I am, as opposed to the person I was:
I have not changed in the sense that some of the people in my life seem to think I did. I was not myself in that time. I did not hold to my values of independence or self reliance, I did not hold to my beliefs of respect, and subsequently not giving time to people who did not have it, nor did I uphold my values of equal integrity, honesty, boundaries, or communication. These were mistakes on my part that I acknowledge, even if I'm the only one who does so.
I have not changed. What I did, was change before, and have since abandoned that change because that person, as was highlighted by the bulk of my inter-personal relationships in that time, was extremely unhealthy. What I did was behave in a way that was entirely contrary to who I was, how I think, how I feel and the standards at which I expect all those things to be fairly shared. It's a standard, it's my standard, and not one I impose on anyone else - just one I ask be met if any kind of functional relationship is going to happen, no matter what the level.
The constant stream of spin doctoring and victim playing was intolerable and, somehow, tolerated, never mind the endless stream of emotional coddling and hand-holding, or how the flat out unwillingness to reciprocate those things by some people in my life. These were all things I saw then, and did nothing about, nothing, and I have no one to blame for that but myself. If you, in the generic, general, application of the pronoun, looks at me now and don't like what you see? Well, you never really liked me then. This is the person I've always been. I am not a villain or some monster to be feared, and I was caricatured in that way far too often then.
Perspective is the Mother of all opinion. More people should utilize it.
Then, there's just been the constant stream of living stresses and other such things. People have been leaning on me, in some cases quite hard, and my usual resiliency to maintain seems to be slacking. It's for this reason, and this reason alone I have opted to step away from a lot of people. It's not because what they're asking for is unreasonable, or that what they need is beyond my capacity, it's that I need to start investing a lot more time in me, taking two years off from doing that was a horrible, horrible, thing - won't be doing that again.
I think the biggest thing, still, is death. It's a constant part of life, one we all have to deal with at some point, but the frequency of it seems to be getting higher and higher lately, and the wounds it's taking seem more and more intense. Very recently, someone who touched a majority of the people in my life, passed away. The reaction and response to this that I have seen seems almost overwhelming and, albeit selfishly, makes me wish I'd been around and able to know this person more.
I struggle with the feeling that I know there is little, or nothing, I could do for the people who seem so shaken and cracked by these turn of events. My heart, contrary to how I might like to present myself at times, really does go out to them. These are wonderful people, who had the good fortune of being able to have their lives touched and shaped by someone who was important to them. I can understand that feeling, but I still feel largely unable to do anything - much as I would like to - and that's a difficult thing for everyone.
The events have highlighted, as they often do, the fragility of time. This has, coupled with everything else I've looked at and had to deal with, really forced me to re-evaluate my life, myself, my direction, my course, and what is right for me. They've also, again, highlighted just how important it is to remind your friends, family (blood or otherwise) and loved ones just why they mean so much to you, and do it often.
If you're reading this, then it's very likely that you are someone I care or cared about. Regardless of the events of the past, of whatever harsh words might have been spoken, of whatever might have been done and not forgiven, I genuinely do wish you the best in all things in life. Even if we do not speak now, even if we have no intention of speaking ever again, this is true.
Life is not fragile, but it precious. Time is not fleeting, unless it is not used. Who you are will change, will grow, and will, eventually, pass on. Everything that happens between the beginning and end of that time is all you have, is all anyone has, and being aware of that is one of the best things you can do. Spend your time with what you love, if you think fondly for and of someone, don't keep it to yourself. Tell your loved ones you love them, and why. Tell your friends you appreciate them, and why. Look at yourself and make sure you acknowledge what you like about yourself, and why.
You only live once may have become the meme of the lemmings, but that doesn't mean it's message is any less accurate. Even if you believe in reincarnation or a rebirth of life somewhere down the road, who you are now is on a limited timetable. Don't use this as an excuse to act like an idiot, but instead make sure you try and take the time to understand that, and then make the most of what you have.
Some of you may know, others may not, my Grandmother died in April. She was the most quintessential person in my life, for as long as she was in it. She took me in off the streets, taught me what it really meant to tell the truth, what it meant to be there for someone, what it meant to really stand up, beside those who matter to you, and to never blindly accept any substitutes or charlatans who might pose otherwise. Sure, she didn't always stick to these things, or the countless other lessons she taught me about how to be a good person, but that's not the point. The point is she taught them to me. She shaped me and now she's gone.
I spent a month in Maine after that, for reasons I'd rather not get into details about again, and we'll just say that probably didn't do me much in the ways of good. It highlighted a lot of dormant, barely relevant, memories that shed a somewhat forgotten perspective on them. It also highlighted the fact that I still wrestle with a lot of things involving loss, change in general, and an ability to let go when I should.
I haven't really come to any kind of grips with this yet either, which hasn't helped dealing with anything, but I'm not entirely sure how. Where I once felt an endless stream of stability and constants, I now simply feel a void. I've tried everything from writing it, to simply carrying on living as she'd have want me to done, to trying to drown it, choke it out with smoke, walk it off, think it through, or simply feel what's really there. Nothing has helped, not one bit, and it has left me exceptionally worn and tired. It's been a vicious storm, and it shows no signs of slowing down.
Next, there has been some considerable tension between myself and people from my past. In a lot of cases it's because I've finally sat down to look at them, to put the perspective in place, and see things as they were rather than how I wanted. This isn't bad, not by any means, but it's been taxing and difficult. It has driven some people from my life, which isn't a bad thing at all, but it has also made it much easier for wedges to fall in places they might otherwise have not.
There's been some talk of how I've "changed" too, which I feel a very real need to sit down and address.
There was a period in my life where I made some choices I would not have otherwise made. This was the time that came about right after I moved out of my Grandmother's and she went into a home. To say this time was difficult, would be an understatement. I look back on that time, on my feelings then, on my emotions, at my need to provide for someone, and it sheds a lot very interesting light on the situations of that time in general. Still, there is one very important thing I need to say about that time, about the person I am, as opposed to the person I was:
I have not changed in the sense that some of the people in my life seem to think I did. I was not myself in that time. I did not hold to my values of independence or self reliance, I did not hold to my beliefs of respect, and subsequently not giving time to people who did not have it, nor did I uphold my values of equal integrity, honesty, boundaries, or communication. These were mistakes on my part that I acknowledge, even if I'm the only one who does so.
I have not changed. What I did, was change before, and have since abandoned that change because that person, as was highlighted by the bulk of my inter-personal relationships in that time, was extremely unhealthy. What I did was behave in a way that was entirely contrary to who I was, how I think, how I feel and the standards at which I expect all those things to be fairly shared. It's a standard, it's my standard, and not one I impose on anyone else - just one I ask be met if any kind of functional relationship is going to happen, no matter what the level.
The constant stream of spin doctoring and victim playing was intolerable and, somehow, tolerated, never mind the endless stream of emotional coddling and hand-holding, or how the flat out unwillingness to reciprocate those things by some people in my life. These were all things I saw then, and did nothing about, nothing, and I have no one to blame for that but myself. If you, in the generic, general, application of the pronoun, looks at me now and don't like what you see? Well, you never really liked me then. This is the person I've always been. I am not a villain or some monster to be feared, and I was caricatured in that way far too often then.
Perspective is the Mother of all opinion. More people should utilize it.
Then, there's just been the constant stream of living stresses and other such things. People have been leaning on me, in some cases quite hard, and my usual resiliency to maintain seems to be slacking. It's for this reason, and this reason alone I have opted to step away from a lot of people. It's not because what they're asking for is unreasonable, or that what they need is beyond my capacity, it's that I need to start investing a lot more time in me, taking two years off from doing that was a horrible, horrible, thing - won't be doing that again.
I think the biggest thing, still, is death. It's a constant part of life, one we all have to deal with at some point, but the frequency of it seems to be getting higher and higher lately, and the wounds it's taking seem more and more intense. Very recently, someone who touched a majority of the people in my life, passed away. The reaction and response to this that I have seen seems almost overwhelming and, albeit selfishly, makes me wish I'd been around and able to know this person more.
I struggle with the feeling that I know there is little, or nothing, I could do for the people who seem so shaken and cracked by these turn of events. My heart, contrary to how I might like to present myself at times, really does go out to them. These are wonderful people, who had the good fortune of being able to have their lives touched and shaped by someone who was important to them. I can understand that feeling, but I still feel largely unable to do anything - much as I would like to - and that's a difficult thing for everyone.
The events have highlighted, as they often do, the fragility of time. This has, coupled with everything else I've looked at and had to deal with, really forced me to re-evaluate my life, myself, my direction, my course, and what is right for me. They've also, again, highlighted just how important it is to remind your friends, family (blood or otherwise) and loved ones just why they mean so much to you, and do it often.
If you're reading this, then it's very likely that you are someone I care or cared about. Regardless of the events of the past, of whatever harsh words might have been spoken, of whatever might have been done and not forgiven, I genuinely do wish you the best in all things in life. Even if we do not speak now, even if we have no intention of speaking ever again, this is true.
Life is not fragile, but it precious. Time is not fleeting, unless it is not used. Who you are will change, will grow, and will, eventually, pass on. Everything that happens between the beginning and end of that time is all you have, is all anyone has, and being aware of that is one of the best things you can do. Spend your time with what you love, if you think fondly for and of someone, don't keep it to yourself. Tell your loved ones you love them, and why. Tell your friends you appreciate them, and why. Look at yourself and make sure you acknowledge what you like about yourself, and why.
You only live once may have become the meme of the lemmings, but that doesn't mean it's message is any less accurate. Even if you believe in reincarnation or a rebirth of life somewhere down the road, who you are now is on a limited timetable. Don't use this as an excuse to act like an idiot, but instead make sure you try and take the time to understand that, and then make the most of what you have.