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[callingghosts]

I couldn't sleep today until almost, 6 P.M. I assumed this would happen. I think everything of the last few months has finally caught up with me in one, single, swoop. So, maybe if I just get it out of my head all at once I'll do better. That's the plan anyway

Comments

[darkcrispy]

love you brother. It seems to me that you may be looking at this the wrong way. Change can be a good thing. Have you considered that perhaps you may be outgrowing some of your friends? Or rather, that some may be holding you back from becoming a better person? I fell into that trap way too easily, becoming stagnant and treading water as I tried to cling to what was, (in some ways still do.) and it cost me quite a bit.
As such I do not really go out as I used to, and spend more time with my child, as well as more independent, artistic endeavors, and I hope that in the end I become a better person.And I think this is something you may be going through as well.
Something as tragic as the passing of a loved one can really make you reevaluate who you are, as well as whom the people around you have become. Take this as a positive step and an opportunity to grow,
As far as dealing with death her suicide seemed to touch so many people, and I can only hope something positive can come of it, that perhaps some in our "scene" will see the tragic waste of it all, and the horrible carnage such a thing can leave in its wake.

As always I'm here for you brother.

PS have you ever thought of counseling?Counseling can be very helpful in giving you a focus and outlet on dealing with your grief, as well as anything else keeping you from living and enjoying your life to the fullest.

As always I'm a phone call away. Sorr yi have been out of the loop but the Maus is working my ass off (not THAT maus lol) but I do have my Thursdays and Fridays off if you would like to hang sometime?

[callingghosts]

Weird. IJ won't post my comment..

[callingghosts]

Well, I agree with you in the sense that you mean here. Change is important, really rather paramount, to living. If you're not changing you're not growing and, to quote Bob Dylan "He not busy being born is busy dying." Perhaps it's not the best example to use, given the rest of the context, but it's something I believe is very true. You've got to change, to expand your life and your horizons, your interests and your feelings, even your beliefs about things. It's only through expansion, comparison, and reflection that we can really grasp who we are and how we've come to be there - plus it's pretty good at helping you sort out a lot of things in your life that you just don't need.

What I meant was that the people who are accusing me of having changed, saying that I am "no longer the person they knew" are really not seeing the full picture there. They came, and likely went, at a time when I was easily used and preyed upon, because I felt a need to over-extend myself as a means of compensating for guilt and a self imposed sense of failure. I know that now but, even then, I was made out as a villain to their peers and family, and still am in many respects because I wouldn't concede to their perspective, thoughts, or opinions. Now they see me as I am, the loud, opinionated, yet still caring and compassionate, honest person I try to be, and they don't like it. They don't like that I no longer pander them, or agree with what they say unless I mean it. They want me to smile and nod and go back to not telling the truth or speaking my mind, because they're just used to having me walk on eggshells. I'm not an eggshell kind of person.

I'm aware that I've outgrown most of my friends and most people that I know. They're the same people they were five, ten, years ago. They're still hung up on the same problems, still looking for the same help, and while I can relate to their frustration, there's only so many ropes I'm willing to throw. Most of the people who've been leaning on me are, to be entirely honest, doing so for reasons that are not that, that are really quite fair an understandable, I'm just really running low on gas. It's hard to describe any better than that. I've turned up the music, but I'm still coasting on fumes.

[callingghosts]

I've, pretty much, stopped going out, at least to clubs. I have no more interest in goth nights, or really scenes in general. I have nothing against them, per say, but they're just too indicative of biased, judgmental, clique based mentalities that just don't work for me any more. I want and need to be around people who stimulate me, who can talk about more than just what a bitch someone is, how the new album is crap, how no good music has been released since 1989, and how someone in a white T-shirt is not worth talking to. I understand that these aren't the entirety of what's there but, lets face it, they're not uncommon. I just don't want that kind of thing in my life anymore and I refuse to invite it.

That isn't to say I dislike the people themselves either. We know an amazing collection of people who frequent those haunts, pun intended, who are some of the finest caliber of human beings I imagine the world has to offer. They're artists and well meaning miscreants, responsible deviants, promoters, musicians and people who really pour their souls out into the world trying to make it better. It's just the environments that they sometimes like to frequent, I find toxic and rather unpleasant.

As for the loss of Kass? I agree. I didn't know her well, but there's a positive message to come out of all tragedy - it's just a matter of finding it. I feel a great sense of empathy for a lot of the people she touched, especially Vaughn, and I just wish there was some way I could soothe the pain I imagine them all to be feeling. Still, I know I can't. All I can do is repeatedly hold out my hand and be there should they need to use it. That has to be enough because there's nothing more I can do.

Yeah, I've considered and done counseling. I think it provided me with some vital things I needed at the time, but I have a fundamental problem with not being able to sort out issues on my own. Obviously ones that I feel cripple me or make me unable to really live life, I would seek help for, as well as should I ever feel the urge to do myself some kind of harm outside of drinking and smoking. Right now, I think I really need to sort out the pieces for myself as it will be the best thing to help me go forward. Even if I have someone else just try and tell me where they think I should go (friends don't count, of course), I think a lot of what I really need to gain from what I'm going through would be lost.

I'll be in touch. Maybe some more meat and a couple of beers is just what we need.

[callingghosts]

There we go. I think it was a length issue.