I finally spoke to my mom about her drinking problem
So we got up and went to saturday market. i bought some neat earrings and a purple skirt made out of t-shirts. then we came home.
towards when we were going to leave i started talkin to Braden about music and i could tell i was connecting with him and was i wasnt another girl cousin to him. i was someone he wouldnt mind talkin to. that made me really happy. :D
then i packed some fancy clothes cause i wasnt sure what i was wearing for our fancy day out the next day, cause we werent comin back to the compound.
well us girls wanted to spend the night at linny's house so we could all just talk til late and crash. now my mom has an issue with this cause "older boys" live there. now from what i know and have heard savanah say, they are very respectable boys and would never touch a hair on our heads. which is the only thing i could think of that my mother could be worried about. well i asked initially in the car with other kids there. and she said no. when i asked why, she just said she didnt want us there. but these feelings dont come without a real reason.
so later i approached her and asked why. she said they were older and cause linny and steven live together and are not married, she didnt want us there....
wtf? chris and blake, who i am going to stay with in florida for 5 days are doin the same thing...and none of the boys but one will even be there....and he is gay
"well chris is more mature and i know him and i dont know that one boy"
well steven and chris are the same age...as are blake and linny. and you havent had a real convo with him for years, and i can remember you two fighting about shit. and he isnt that innocent. he had a keg party at our house when we went out of town.
"well you know i just have a bad feeling about it. like you shouldn't. i just feel like God is giving me a small feeling and i have to act on that"
well with something not based on logic at all, how can i argue with it.
well i leave and tell sav and syd. and they agree that she is spouting bull shit. and i am so angry that i am near tears, cause i just thought that i was old enough that my mother could speak to like im an adult. but no, she wont plainly speak to me about why she doesnt want us there. i mean she couldnt offend me by telling me that any more then she could by just bull shitting me.
so anyway we go to linny's house and chat with steven and check out her room for a bit. then we get dolled up and take crazy pics and go to tco bell. once back, then we try to decide on a movie. which of course takes forever but we finally decide on Perfume. so syd keeps texting derek then he calls and its ruining our movie enjoying experience, so we make her turn off her phone. then i realize i had left my phone in the car, but ivan was asleep already so i knew i didnt need it. the only thing i needed to do was text my mom when we were on our way home. so i just thought i would do it when we got into the car. well we started the movie later then planned but savanah never walks out on a movie. we were told to be home between 1230 and 1, because the bars close at 2 and they are worried about drunk drivers.
well the movie was going to go pretty long. so we decided to finish it and chill there til about 230 or 3 when we thought it would be safer to drive. and auntie kim had been texting savanah, i felt no need to go outside to get my phone cause kim was with my mom and auntie ronda. so then they want us to come home now, but its like 130 and our shit is all over linny's house. so we say we will come home at 230 cause we are worried about drunks. especially sav, my mom freaked her out about that. and sav drives home late from linny's house all the time.
but then my mom wants to talk to syd from sav's phone...so i call cause i can talk to my mom, syd isnt as good at dodgeing bull shit.
so i call her and dont understand why she wants us to come home right when she didnt want us to before. so of course i figure she isnt really that worried about the drunks, so i want to know why she wanted us home so early then. its not like we have anything planned for the next day.
so she is like, no you get on the road now and get home by 2. but im like well we have to get all our stuff together, she says that, quote "you left all your stuff in the car" but wtf? she doesnt know my life! so after arguing for a bit and wanting to finish the movie and her telling me she didnt think we were where we said we were, i was like ok fine we will leave. so i begin to scream about how i feel about my mother and sav tells me how her mom has never texted her about coming home like this ever. and i just try to tell her that its my psycho mom controlling her mom. cause her mom trusts her, cause sav always tells her mom when she goes to parties and if there was alcohol there.
so we are all really pissed. but after we all locate all our shit and i change out of some on linny's clothes it like 155. so we drive home but sav is paranoid and drives home like a grandma. on the way my mom calls my phone, but i decide that if she wants to talk to me on kim's home phone so bad, she could wait til we were there. so i told syd she better not answer when mom called her.
we get home and im still fuming. i call her and am like ok we are home. i dont remember the details of the beginning of the convo. but i told her that i jsut wish she would communicate her real fears about going instead of being vague. she "doesnt know what i mean" and later mentions that the boys are over age and could have bought us alcohol. and she wasnt sure if syd and i would make a good choice if offered alcohol.
i am so mad at this point that i dont care what i say to her. so what i have been holding in for a log time comes out.
i ask her why she thinks syd and i wont make a good choice but kim thinks savanah will. maybe its cause alcohol is glorified at our house and she is getting drunk every other day.
she says that it does happen...blah blah blah. but i have been so upset about this topic for so long and have held it in and brooded over it that by the time i finish accusing her im hysterical. luckily i was outside. she says she is sorry and she knows that when she drinks she has trouble stopping, and that she prays to God for strenth. and i thought having this convo would make me feel better about this issue. but it just kinda showed me that she doesnt care she has this problem.
i tell her how it is hugely affecting jake chloe syd and i. how i have memories of them coming home late and crying when she didnt come home from lisa's to tuck them in. and sydney and i are little and have to soothe them and put them to bed. then go to bed in an empty house.
she said she is sorry i have those memories, but even in my state. i dont hear any real sad emotions in her voice, i remember once she got up and couldnt remember the night before and came crying to sydney and i about how she was so sorry and she hates she does that and she asked for our forgivness. so we forgave her.
but here we are at least 6 or 7 years later and she is no better, probably worse. so i suggest she should give it up all together cause she is scaring us kids. but she says that, that would be a huge life style change and blah blah blah. she wont do it, and what i know about her. is that she is crier. she cries at all things sad. especially when other people cry. but she wasnt now. and i was on the phone with her and i could hardly talk cause i was sobbing and crying so hard. sydney came out and i hugged her for harder and longer then i ever have. and it did make me feel a lot better. cause i know that she will always be there for me and i for her. though i know my mom wont be.
then i got into dangerous territory when she was saying about how since she has these problems she worries syd snd i will. but i tell her i will never turn into that and i never over drink and can always control it. (you know thats what that implies) but at this point its not a big deal. im moving out soon and wont even see her til aug. 5.
then she says that i seem really upset and wants to know if there is something else thats bothering me. i cant believe she doesnt see how much this effects her children!!! but i guess we dont talk about it afterwards and she doesnt remember her babies hurt faces the next morning. god i am almost loosing it now, but typing it.
well i didnt have anything else to say and she kept repeating what she had already said, like she always does. so i get off the phone with her. and try to sleep but i cant. i am too emotionally charged. even though its like 345 in the morning. so i get on facebook, and write a sad pathetic status. then text ivan to see if i can chat with him. well he is so sweet and calls me and i tell him what happened. and we just chat for a long time. at like 5 i have calmed down enough to sleep.
towards when we were going to leave i started talkin to Braden about music and i could tell i was connecting with him and was i wasnt another girl cousin to him. i was someone he wouldnt mind talkin to. that made me really happy. :D
then i packed some fancy clothes cause i wasnt sure what i was wearing for our fancy day out the next day, cause we werent comin back to the compound.
well us girls wanted to spend the night at linny's house so we could all just talk til late and crash. now my mom has an issue with this cause "older boys" live there. now from what i know and have heard savanah say, they are very respectable boys and would never touch a hair on our heads. which is the only thing i could think of that my mother could be worried about. well i asked initially in the car with other kids there. and she said no. when i asked why, she just said she didnt want us there. but these feelings dont come without a real reason.
so later i approached her and asked why. she said they were older and cause linny and steven live together and are not married, she didnt want us there....
wtf? chris and blake, who i am going to stay with in florida for 5 days are doin the same thing...and none of the boys but one will even be there....and he is gay
"well chris is more mature and i know him and i dont know that one boy"
well steven and chris are the same age...as are blake and linny. and you havent had a real convo with him for years, and i can remember you two fighting about shit. and he isnt that innocent. he had a keg party at our house when we went out of town.
"well you know i just have a bad feeling about it. like you shouldn't. i just feel like God is giving me a small feeling and i have to act on that"
well with something not based on logic at all, how can i argue with it.
well i leave and tell sav and syd. and they agree that she is spouting bull shit. and i am so angry that i am near tears, cause i just thought that i was old enough that my mother could speak to like im an adult. but no, she wont plainly speak to me about why she doesnt want us there. i mean she couldnt offend me by telling me that any more then she could by just bull shitting me.
so anyway we go to linny's house and chat with steven and check out her room for a bit. then we get dolled up and take crazy pics and go to tco bell. once back, then we try to decide on a movie. which of course takes forever but we finally decide on Perfume. so syd keeps texting derek then he calls and its ruining our movie enjoying experience, so we make her turn off her phone. then i realize i had left my phone in the car, but ivan was asleep already so i knew i didnt need it. the only thing i needed to do was text my mom when we were on our way home. so i just thought i would do it when we got into the car. well we started the movie later then planned but savanah never walks out on a movie. we were told to be home between 1230 and 1, because the bars close at 2 and they are worried about drunk drivers.
well the movie was going to go pretty long. so we decided to finish it and chill there til about 230 or 3 when we thought it would be safer to drive. and auntie kim had been texting savanah, i felt no need to go outside to get my phone cause kim was with my mom and auntie ronda. so then they want us to come home now, but its like 130 and our shit is all over linny's house. so we say we will come home at 230 cause we are worried about drunks. especially sav, my mom freaked her out about that. and sav drives home late from linny's house all the time.
but then my mom wants to talk to syd from sav's phone...so i call cause i can talk to my mom, syd isnt as good at dodgeing bull shit.
so i call her and dont understand why she wants us to come home right when she didnt want us to before. so of course i figure she isnt really that worried about the drunks, so i want to know why she wanted us home so early then. its not like we have anything planned for the next day.
so she is like, no you get on the road now and get home by 2. but im like well we have to get all our stuff together, she says that, quote "you left all your stuff in the car" but wtf? she doesnt know my life! so after arguing for a bit and wanting to finish the movie and her telling me she didnt think we were where we said we were, i was like ok fine we will leave. so i begin to scream about how i feel about my mother and sav tells me how her mom has never texted her about coming home like this ever. and i just try to tell her that its my psycho mom controlling her mom. cause her mom trusts her, cause sav always tells her mom when she goes to parties and if there was alcohol there.
so we are all really pissed. but after we all locate all our shit and i change out of some on linny's clothes it like 155. so we drive home but sav is paranoid and drives home like a grandma. on the way my mom calls my phone, but i decide that if she wants to talk to me on kim's home phone so bad, she could wait til we were there. so i told syd she better not answer when mom called her.
we get home and im still fuming. i call her and am like ok we are home. i dont remember the details of the beginning of the convo. but i told her that i jsut wish she would communicate her real fears about going instead of being vague. she "doesnt know what i mean" and later mentions that the boys are over age and could have bought us alcohol. and she wasnt sure if syd and i would make a good choice if offered alcohol.
i am so mad at this point that i dont care what i say to her. so what i have been holding in for a log time comes out.
i ask her why she thinks syd and i wont make a good choice but kim thinks savanah will. maybe its cause alcohol is glorified at our house and she is getting drunk every other day.
she says that it does happen...blah blah blah. but i have been so upset about this topic for so long and have held it in and brooded over it that by the time i finish accusing her im hysterical. luckily i was outside. she says she is sorry and she knows that when she drinks she has trouble stopping, and that she prays to God for strenth. and i thought having this convo would make me feel better about this issue. but it just kinda showed me that she doesnt care she has this problem.
i tell her how it is hugely affecting jake chloe syd and i. how i have memories of them coming home late and crying when she didnt come home from lisa's to tuck them in. and sydney and i are little and have to soothe them and put them to bed. then go to bed in an empty house.
she said she is sorry i have those memories, but even in my state. i dont hear any real sad emotions in her voice, i remember once she got up and couldnt remember the night before and came crying to sydney and i about how she was so sorry and she hates she does that and she asked for our forgivness. so we forgave her.
but here we are at least 6 or 7 years later and she is no better, probably worse. so i suggest she should give it up all together cause she is scaring us kids. but she says that, that would be a huge life style change and blah blah blah. she wont do it, and what i know about her. is that she is crier. she cries at all things sad. especially when other people cry. but she wasnt now. and i was on the phone with her and i could hardly talk cause i was sobbing and crying so hard. sydney came out and i hugged her for harder and longer then i ever have. and it did make me feel a lot better. cause i know that she will always be there for me and i for her. though i know my mom wont be.
then i got into dangerous territory when she was saying about how since she has these problems she worries syd snd i will. but i tell her i will never turn into that and i never over drink and can always control it. (you know thats what that implies) but at this point its not a big deal. im moving out soon and wont even see her til aug. 5.
then she says that i seem really upset and wants to know if there is something else thats bothering me. i cant believe she doesnt see how much this effects her children!!! but i guess we dont talk about it afterwards and she doesnt remember her babies hurt faces the next morning. god i am almost loosing it now, but typing it.
well i didnt have anything else to say and she kept repeating what she had already said, like she always does. so i get off the phone with her. and try to sleep but i cant. i am too emotionally charged. even though its like 345 in the morning. so i get on facebook, and write a sad pathetic status. then text ivan to see if i can chat with him. well he is so sweet and calls me and i tell him what happened. and we just chat for a long time. at like 5 i have calmed down enough to sleep.