So, You Would Think....
.... I was dead, right?
Guess again!
I'm sitting here listening to a lecture, logged into LiveJournal, and I realized that I should write an entry.
Because I really wanted to.
I'll be honest, I felt as though I was getting down on myself recently. I didn't feel the usefulness of this anymore. I felt as though it had served its purpose, it was done, and that was that. No need to post anything anymore.
That changed yesterday.
Mark and I were talking, and he asked me if I had updated on here recently.
I told him, obviously, I hadn't.
He asked why... and I couldn't answer him.
We talked for another 30 minutes about LiveJournal alone.
GOD, I love him so much.
I've been kinda down in the dumpster recently. Like, seriously. In the middle of September I began questioning my choice for careers. I questioned my relationship with the greatest guy I've ever had. I questioned all of my friendships, internet-based and real life. School choices....
But when it came to my life, period.... I knew I had to see outside help.
And by that, I mean it got really bad.
So bad that I retreated into the deepest funk I've ever been in. I did so much to hid it, because I didn't want to become a burden on anyone at all, not even my boyfriend. I felt like I was pushing all of my problems, all things in my life, onto them and not allowing them to control their own lives (sounds weird? I know). At the end, the lowest point, I started an argument with Mark about something that was so minor, almost as if I was looking for a reason for him to dump me. Why? Because I didn't have the strength to do it myself.
I remember the beginning of October. Mark came to my apartment surprisingly -- my roommate let him in, and since I always leave my bedroom door unlocked, he just went in and waited for me to come home. I remember being so angry, so mad, yet so happy and sad at the same time. I just collapsed into his arms, and cried.
I can't remember the last time I cried that hard.
Not even my own mom's funeral did I cry like that.
The next day was a Saturday, and with no football game, he and I spent the day together. My roommate decided to go home for the weekend, giving me the entire apartment to ourselves. We did so much, and I felt so much better. Like, for once, I had my shield with me at all times. But, he and I both knew that it was something he and I couldn't do alone.
That Monday, I made an appointment with one of the campus counselors. She gave me two hours, and I used them all. And even at the end, I only felt partially satisfied. She told me that I was borderlining a major depressive episode, one that could seriously put my life in jeopardy.
Oh boy.
By no means am I out of the water, but I've done a complete turn-around. Or in the process.
One thing that came up, and has come up several times, is dependence. Dependence on a lot of things, a lot of people. I didn't really think about it, but I'd slowly become expectant of a lot of things. Like, if I didn't hear from Mark, I'd go nuts. I had to see particular "friends" that I subjected myself to. It was all just.... bad, really bad. One thing I did have to do is not talk to Mark. For a significant period. That was incredibly hard for me. Incredibly hard....
I feel like a new person again, and it feels great. I don't feel like a sick idiot who can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. I know it's not simple, not something that can just go away, and I'm not expecting it to. BUT, at the same token, I'm glad I've made steps to get here, now.
6 months is a rather long time, when you think about it.
And Mark and I are approaching that.... point.
And it feels amazing.
I've never truly loved someone as much as I do him.
Just thought I would say that. : )
So, hopefully I'll be back more, but I can't make any promises. But, what I can promise is no more long absences without any form of an update.
Oh, and I should mention that I'm headed west tomorrow. Time to go see the family for Thanksgiving.
Hurrah.
[not.]
Take care guys.
[CaliforniaKid07]
Guess again!
I'm sitting here listening to a lecture, logged into LiveJournal, and I realized that I should write an entry.
Because I really wanted to.
I'll be honest, I felt as though I was getting down on myself recently. I didn't feel the usefulness of this anymore. I felt as though it had served its purpose, it was done, and that was that. No need to post anything anymore.
That changed yesterday.
Mark and I were talking, and he asked me if I had updated on here recently.
I told him, obviously, I hadn't.
He asked why... and I couldn't answer him.
We talked for another 30 minutes about LiveJournal alone.
GOD, I love him so much.
I've been kinda down in the dumpster recently. Like, seriously. In the middle of September I began questioning my choice for careers. I questioned my relationship with the greatest guy I've ever had. I questioned all of my friendships, internet-based and real life. School choices....
But when it came to my life, period.... I knew I had to see outside help.
And by that, I mean it got really bad.
So bad that I retreated into the deepest funk I've ever been in. I did so much to hid it, because I didn't want to become a burden on anyone at all, not even my boyfriend. I felt like I was pushing all of my problems, all things in my life, onto them and not allowing them to control their own lives (sounds weird? I know). At the end, the lowest point, I started an argument with Mark about something that was so minor, almost as if I was looking for a reason for him to dump me. Why? Because I didn't have the strength to do it myself.
I remember the beginning of October. Mark came to my apartment surprisingly -- my roommate let him in, and since I always leave my bedroom door unlocked, he just went in and waited for me to come home. I remember being so angry, so mad, yet so happy and sad at the same time. I just collapsed into his arms, and cried.
I can't remember the last time I cried that hard.
Not even my own mom's funeral did I cry like that.
The next day was a Saturday, and with no football game, he and I spent the day together. My roommate decided to go home for the weekend, giving me the entire apartment to ourselves. We did so much, and I felt so much better. Like, for once, I had my shield with me at all times. But, he and I both knew that it was something he and I couldn't do alone.
That Monday, I made an appointment with one of the campus counselors. She gave me two hours, and I used them all. And even at the end, I only felt partially satisfied. She told me that I was borderlining a major depressive episode, one that could seriously put my life in jeopardy.
Oh boy.
By no means am I out of the water, but I've done a complete turn-around. Or in the process.
One thing that came up, and has come up several times, is dependence. Dependence on a lot of things, a lot of people. I didn't really think about it, but I'd slowly become expectant of a lot of things. Like, if I didn't hear from Mark, I'd go nuts. I had to see particular "friends" that I subjected myself to. It was all just.... bad, really bad. One thing I did have to do is not talk to Mark. For a significant period. That was incredibly hard for me. Incredibly hard....
I feel like a new person again, and it feels great. I don't feel like a sick idiot who can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. I know it's not simple, not something that can just go away, and I'm not expecting it to. BUT, at the same token, I'm glad I've made steps to get here, now.
6 months is a rather long time, when you think about it.
And Mark and I are approaching that.... point.
And it feels amazing.
I've never truly loved someone as much as I do him.
Just thought I would say that. : )
So, hopefully I'll be back more, but I can't make any promises. But, what I can promise is no more long absences without any form of an update.
Oh, and I should mention that I'm headed west tomorrow. Time to go see the family for Thanksgiving.
Hurrah.
[not.]
Take care guys.
[CaliforniaKid07]