(no subject)
I just walked in the door from a shortish walk. About a half an hour I was ready to strangle the world. I spent the majority of the day w/ my relatives (from my dad's side) going through old photographs of old relatives and flipping through letters and other memorabilia. It was interesting replaying the life and times of past Harvey's. I found it really sad actually. It was sad to see how little these people outwardly did with their lives, yet how much potential they carried. Gorgeous, humerous, talented people leading mundane lives. A common theme was to live routine lifestyles with little to no exploration of the outside world. My great great grandmother took to her bed in her early 30's and didn't leave the house until she died (about 40 years later). My gramps and his siblings have lived similar lives. My dad seems to be following in their footsteps too. My gramps has a favourite lazyboy chair covered in blankets to eliminate it from wear. My dad has started doing the same thing to his "favourite" chair. My gramps, his sister, and his mom (Agnes Twaddle) all recieved honour awards for punctuality and regularity. The general themes of their lives. It makes me happy to think that I'm not punctual, nor particularly regular. Therfore, there is hope that I may not turn out exactly like my relatives. I want to see loads of this world...and I just hope I do that before I develop a routine and stay by my bed or something!?!? Unnatural fear? I think not!!! So, I was crazy, crazy stressed about a half an hour ago. I suppose I hope that if I talk to someone, they'll be able to fix my problems for me! Not so! It's my own problems and I have to deal w/ them by myself and all that shit! It just confirms the idea that we each are really alone out there and strength really does come from within! I haven't felt this discontent for quite a while. I remembered this old feeling of fear, doubt, and insecurity. I don't miss it much! Goodbye fears!
As a sidenote, when looking through the memorabilia was an old nazi helmet. It was apparently taken off of a dead nazi soldier and it was given to my gramps years ago. It weighed about 20 lbs and it had the nazi symbol on the outside. It definetly had been used because the outside metal was worn out and the fabric liner inside was busted and torn. An item can really be errie! Someone stuck it on my head before I fully realized what it was. I still feel a little weird about it.
As a sidenote, when looking through the memorabilia was an old nazi helmet. It was apparently taken off of a dead nazi soldier and it was given to my gramps years ago. It weighed about 20 lbs and it had the nazi symbol on the outside. It definetly had been used because the outside metal was worn out and the fabric liner inside was busted and torn. An item can really be errie! Someone stuck it on my head before I fully realized what it was. I still feel a little weird about it.