Purgatory - Notes (1/2)
Retyped while I was procrastinating studying for my exams and thought I'd finally post it. Honestly? I feel like I'm self-absorbed for doing this (especially since it's been so long from when I posted Purgatory). But, uh, if anyone's still interested....here it is.
First, to my flist: Thanks for putting up with all the complaining and bitching I did while this fic was a WIP. I realized I do that a lot when I’m working on something and it’s great that you guys didn’t tell me to shut the hell up, lol. I appreciate all the support =)
Secondly…I love angst. Which is why you get this fic. On with the notes =)
Setting
Mark moving out of the hotel and into a house of his own is usually symbolic of him moving on in fics, which is pretty much the reason why I didn’t have him move into a house. He’s not really over Lexie. At the same time, he’s changed enough that he can’t keep staying in the hotel and, so, the trailer becomes a place of transition. That’s its primary function. It gives Mark a place away from everyone else, where he can just…be and hear himself think. And I think it’s so very important that he gets that space, that chance to be by himself so it can finally lead him to take a good hard look at his life.
Secondary function of the trailer is that it’s simply a gesture of friendship from Derek. And we all know that Derek’s friendship is extremely important to Mark. Nothing more, nothing less.
Italicized Scenes
They are flashbacks. The fact they could be scenes from the future, did not even occur to me until some of you mentioned it. Sadly though, they are flashbacks and most of them can be tied in to the present scenes as you’ll see when I talk about Lexie and Mark. I tried to use them in a way that allowed me to have the characters say things that they couldn’t in the present-day scenes.
CHARACTERS
Callie: Very underused in this story. I didn’t even realize it until the end. But the couple of scenes she’s in, I think that’s how it would go. Maybe. I’m no where near an expert on her character so don’t take my word for it, lol. But, I can really see her saying straight to Mark’s face to just stop being so pitiful and move on already. A sort of FTW attitude. For the first scene she’s in, it’s primarily to show that as hurt and angry Mark is, however much he himself might be cursing Lexie inside his head, he’s still very much protective towards her. As soon as Callie ventures into territory of speculation, Mark stops her in her tracks. The second scene she’s in, near the end of the story, I believe, the primary reason is just to show that other characters have noticed a shift in Mark. Like I said, she’s very underused in this story and I think that’s mostly because I wasn’t too sure of her character.
Meredith: I heart the Mer/Mark friendship in all its nonshippyness glory. For the elevator scene, I honestly can’t remember why I wanted Meredith. Looking back, I can venture a guess though…Meredith was there when Mark first came to Seattle, when he lost Addison, etc. Basically she has been there at every important event in Mark’s life in Seattle. So when we see her saying that Mark has changed, it gives it a little bit more weight than Derek’s or Callie’s perspective (in a very backwards way) since she is more removed from Mark then either of them. I don’t know if that makes sense…And I feel like I’m missing something so I guess that’s not the reason why I picked Meredith for this scene. Hm. Well, anyways. The sweatshirt tidbit she gives Mark couldn’t have come from Derek, I don’t think. Why? Well, we learn from Mer that Lexie is obviously talking to Derek about things (to some extent anyways) and, that right there, prevents Derek from telling Mark anything about Lexie’s side of things. It would be a breach of trust and Derek (in this story) is not willing to cross that line. So we get to hear it from Meredith, and this plants the idea in our heads that Lexie isn’t over Mark.
Derek: I love Derek and Mark together. Reason #1 why Derek is a good guy in this. Reason #2 is, I really really really cannot see him abandoning Mark when he is so all over the place. I don’t do optimistic very often, but for this I’m willing to bend. I understand it might not be believable to some people; I guess it depends on how you read their friendship. Is Derek abusive towards Mark sometimes? For sure. Is that what their entire relationship consists of? I doubt it. The two have been best friends since childhood. You don’t stay friends with someone that long without having some good. And here’s where that good counts. Nothing Derek does or says does anything for Mark directly, not really. But that’s not really the point. It’s more the fact that Derek bothered to do or say anything that counts. More of the attempt than the result, so to speak. In a lot of his scenes with Mark, Derek is very much trying. Um, that’s all I have to say about that. Unless someone has anything specific to say or ask?
Lexie: Wow, did I ever botch her character in this. Quite a few of you said you didn’t know where she was coming from half the time, a testament to how royally I screwed up. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?
Why did Lexie leave Mark? We don’t get to the find out exactly why; we know she gave a “half-assed reason” to Mark (as he so elegantly puts it in the trailer) but we don’t know for sure. She begins to explain near the end but Mark stops her because he doesn’t need to know anymore. It won’t change anything and he understands that. My reasons for not clarifying at the beginning or at any other point? Because we don’t need to know. The story isn't so much about why Lexie broke up with him as it is about Mark's reaction to it. We catch glimpses on the reason here and there, but it's really nothing solid, nor does it need to be to make the story work, I think.
The important thing to note here is that Lexie’s character is not at a standstill just because we can’t observe her. That is to say, she’s growing outside of the story. I really didn’t want to focus on her character more than necessary to make the story work, but I did try to leave enough tidbits to explain where she was coming from. Obviously, I didn’t do a very good job, lol. Those of you who have read Bittersweet know that I rely upon readers to make connections between scenes by establishing pattern of behaviour. The second flashback we deal with is Lexie telling Mark how she ran away from home (i.e. a place of comfort and security), but came back because she missed it too much. Similarly, she leaves Mark (who can be assumed to be a source of comfort and security to her) and, like before, she does come back. Unfortunately, she shows up at a bad time at the hotel (Mark comes home with that girl from the bar). Now, you can take her coming back as, she only did to give him his stuff back, or…she might just be using that as an excuse to see him and, in fact, does miss him. Maybe she came back to patch things up? After all, she lets herself be kissed. You gotta wonder if she’s unintentionally putting herself in a compromising situation? I don’t think it’s TOO big of a jump to come to that conclusion if you dig a little.
I try to avoid mentioning specific passages of time (e.g. five days passed, two months later, etc) mostly because there is no “set” time that it’s going to take for Mark to get over Lexie. So, I find it pointless to mention it at all and leave it up to the reader to establish the pace of the story. However, there are few instances where I did mention specific time periods, and the scene where Mark is sitting outside of the Grey house is one of them. In the opening paragraph of that scene, we find out it’s been about three weeks since the hotel incident. A little while later, Derek admits to Mark that Lexie’s been seeing the guy for - you guessed it - three weeks! Does this mean she’s gotten over Mark? I don’t think so. I mean, she started going out with this guy at roughly the same time that she last saw Mark with some woman at the hotel. Coincidence? Now if you tie in this with her reaction at the hotel, I don’t think it’s too crazy to say that she’s probably dating Adam because there’s a good chance she was hurt by what she saw. And if you go back farther, and question her motivation for showing up at the hotel (was it really just to see him or something more?), I think it adds more weight to the theory that Adam is, indeed, a rebound guy and someone Lexie is just “using” (whether she realizes it or not) to get over Mark.
Next scene! Alrighty, this is the one where Mark comes over for dinner and Lexie and her date unexpectedly return home early. Mostly, this sets up the reason why Lexie goes out to the trailer to him in the next scene, Mark’s line “I figured you had enough unpleasant memories of me. Didn’t want to leave you with another.” This statement, I think it’s safe to say, came at Lexie out of left field, and there is a moment where she’s confused by what he’s said. If you take into account everything I mentioned above, about the possibility that she misses him, unintentionally putting herself in a compromising position, potentially finding excuses to see him, all this suggests that she has feelings, still. And, I think, to some degree she’s aware she’s not over him so you can see why his statement would sort of blindside her. Of course, this statement is what causes her to go to the trailer and tell Mark that she doesn’t regret him (as he had implied with that). And, I think Lexie’s bang on in interpreting Mark’s meaning (unconscious as it had been) of him not wanting to do/say anything that might cause her to regret him. I’ll talk more about this when I talk about Mark. So, back to the trailer scene. You know, she’s obviously came back from a date (heels and little black dress) and yet she’s driven way out to his place in the middle of the night. That’s how much the thought (the regret thing) has been bothering her. And, once again, you gotta wonder if she’s subconsciously wants something to happen. After all, she could have waited until daytime, or could have talked to him at the hospital. But, instead, she’s going out at 2am to talk to Mark. Alone. At night. I think this all very obviously hints that she still has feelings for him (in case you hadn’t picked up on it before). Then, she gets there and stalls a little before Mark calls her out and she finally blurts what’s been on her mind. I kinda feel bad for her here because she’s going out on a limb, and Mark’s just not giving her an inch. Of course, then he asks her to stay and we get the zipper scene.
Lexie’s not the cheating kind. She’s just not that kind of girl. So, it says something when she just closes eyes and when she tilts her face up towards Mark. It’s like she’s saying To hell with it, and giving in to whatever is still between them. At this point, she’s pretty much forgotten about Adam. That’s not a relationship she’s invested in, and we see that come out in full force when reality comes crashing down around her in form of Mark’s questions. In fact, she seems downright shocked that Mark backs away, and considering what happened the last time they were alone (stairwell in the hotel), it’s hardly surprising. So, yeah, then we get this emotional outpouring from her and there shouldn’t be a doubt left that Adam is a nobody, and Mark’s been on her mind the whole time (“--because all I kept thinking was how his lips were too soft and his hands were rougher--”). We get a tiny little glimpse into how things have been for her so far. In the morning, she’s already gone and that’s probably for the best since things were a little too raw the night before.
Next is the elevator scene where Mark sees her laughing and hanging off the arm of her boyfriend. It seems she’s back to repressing her feelings for Mark, but now, of course, we know better than to think she’s not affected by the breakup and her feelings for him.
This brings us to the last scene where we find out Lexie’s broken up with Adam. That really shouldn’t be a surprise, I don’t think. Lexie’s a lot calmer in this scene, more serene almost. She’s not particularly hurt over dumping Adam, and she recognizes that and accepts it (“I thought I would care more. I should, shouldn’t I? It’s been almost three months, but…” She shrugs again, picking at her jacket). And we finally see a hint of reason as why she broke up with Mark (“You deserved better. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you-It’s just…I couldn’t give you what you wanted. And you deserved better than that.”). Honestly, for me, I could see Lexie resolving to “let loose” Mark if that was what was best for him. And, if you choose to decide to take that as her reason, it sorta explains why she has feelings for him throughout the story (also lends weight to the theory that she does). She didn’t break up with him because she wanted to - she felt as she had to, because she didn’t want the same things he did. The huge irony being, that letting go of Mark did, indeed, turn to be what’s best for him (not in the way she was thinking/expecting); he wouldn’t have grown the way he did, had she not. Things have a way of working out in the end. And because Mark has grown in this huge way, he realizes this and sees it for what it is (It doesn’t matter, the reason; there still would have been pain, and then cleansing. And maybe she did him a favour in all this, because this isn’t something he would have understood before her). And, so, we see him finally letting her off the hook.
Then, Lexie asks the Big Question (“Did you … Did you love me? Back then.”), and Mark answers….No. At this point, I guessed most of you would be going :O I promise to explain that when I write about Mark. There’s just one more thing I want to point out in this scene regarding Lexie. In a flashback, we saw her ask Mark if he would do it (Addison, Seattle) all over again. When he hesitates in giving the second half of his answer, she gets a little impatient and immediately prods him for a more complete answer. Here, however, when Mark gives her a cryptic response, expecting her to be fully agitated, she merely takes in it stride and it registers somewhere with Mark that Lexie, too, has changed. That’s the crux of it. She. Has. Changed. She’s not the same person she was at the beginning of the story. Do we get to witness that change? Not really. Is it necessary to the story? No. But can we venture a guess as to what brought it on? A little. I think breaking up with Adam finally got her to face the music regarding her feelings towards Mark (that they’re very much there still). And, she wants to go back, asks Mark in a roundabout way to take her back (“Do you think you could now? If I let you?”), but at the same time, I think she realizes it’s not possible for them to do that (“We can’t go back, can we?”).
In the end, she accepts everything as it is because it’s sorta like, she’s made her bed and now she has to lay it. When Mark pulls her in for that last hug, it’s very much a goodbye of sorts. They’re closing the door, so to speak, and Lexie - she just breaks because it feels so final and she’s just realized that she doesn’t want it to be.
Um, I think that’s it for Lexie…unless someone has questions? It’ll take me a while to get Mark up. Or if, no one’s interested, then I won’t bother with him at all. Let me know.
Part Two
Purgatory (fic)
Part I | Part I con't | Part II | Part II con't | Notes
First, to my flist: Thanks for putting up with all the complaining and bitching I did while this fic was a WIP. I realized I do that a lot when I’m working on something and it’s great that you guys didn’t tell me to shut the hell up, lol. I appreciate all the support =)
Secondly…I love angst. Which is why you get this fic. On with the notes =)
Setting
Mark moving out of the hotel and into a house of his own is usually symbolic of him moving on in fics, which is pretty much the reason why I didn’t have him move into a house. He’s not really over Lexie. At the same time, he’s changed enough that he can’t keep staying in the hotel and, so, the trailer becomes a place of transition. That’s its primary function. It gives Mark a place away from everyone else, where he can just…be and hear himself think. And I think it’s so very important that he gets that space, that chance to be by himself so it can finally lead him to take a good hard look at his life.
Secondary function of the trailer is that it’s simply a gesture of friendship from Derek. And we all know that Derek’s friendship is extremely important to Mark. Nothing more, nothing less.
Italicized Scenes
They are flashbacks. The fact they could be scenes from the future, did not even occur to me until some of you mentioned it. Sadly though, they are flashbacks and most of them can be tied in to the present scenes as you’ll see when I talk about Lexie and Mark. I tried to use them in a way that allowed me to have the characters say things that they couldn’t in the present-day scenes.
CHARACTERS
Callie: Very underused in this story. I didn’t even realize it until the end. But the couple of scenes she’s in, I think that’s how it would go. Maybe. I’m no where near an expert on her character so don’t take my word for it, lol. But, I can really see her saying straight to Mark’s face to just stop being so pitiful and move on already. A sort of FTW attitude. For the first scene she’s in, it’s primarily to show that as hurt and angry Mark is, however much he himself might be cursing Lexie inside his head, he’s still very much protective towards her. As soon as Callie ventures into territory of speculation, Mark stops her in her tracks. The second scene she’s in, near the end of the story, I believe, the primary reason is just to show that other characters have noticed a shift in Mark. Like I said, she’s very underused in this story and I think that’s mostly because I wasn’t too sure of her character.
Meredith: I heart the Mer/Mark friendship in all its nonshippyness glory. For the elevator scene, I honestly can’t remember why I wanted Meredith. Looking back, I can venture a guess though…Meredith was there when Mark first came to Seattle, when he lost Addison, etc. Basically she has been there at every important event in Mark’s life in Seattle. So when we see her saying that Mark has changed, it gives it a little bit more weight than Derek’s or Callie’s perspective (in a very backwards way) since she is more removed from Mark then either of them. I don’t know if that makes sense…And I feel like I’m missing something so I guess that’s not the reason why I picked Meredith for this scene. Hm. Well, anyways. The sweatshirt tidbit she gives Mark couldn’t have come from Derek, I don’t think. Why? Well, we learn from Mer that Lexie is obviously talking to Derek about things (to some extent anyways) and, that right there, prevents Derek from telling Mark anything about Lexie’s side of things. It would be a breach of trust and Derek (in this story) is not willing to cross that line. So we get to hear it from Meredith, and this plants the idea in our heads that Lexie isn’t over Mark.
Derek: I love Derek and Mark together. Reason #1 why Derek is a good guy in this. Reason #2 is, I really really really cannot see him abandoning Mark when he is so all over the place. I don’t do optimistic very often, but for this I’m willing to bend. I understand it might not be believable to some people; I guess it depends on how you read their friendship. Is Derek abusive towards Mark sometimes? For sure. Is that what their entire relationship consists of? I doubt it. The two have been best friends since childhood. You don’t stay friends with someone that long without having some good. And here’s where that good counts. Nothing Derek does or says does anything for Mark directly, not really. But that’s not really the point. It’s more the fact that Derek bothered to do or say anything that counts. More of the attempt than the result, so to speak. In a lot of his scenes with Mark, Derek is very much trying. Um, that’s all I have to say about that. Unless someone has anything specific to say or ask?
Lexie: Wow, did I ever botch her character in this. Quite a few of you said you didn’t know where she was coming from half the time, a testament to how royally I screwed up. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?
Why did Lexie leave Mark? We don’t get to the find out exactly why; we know she gave a “half-assed reason” to Mark (as he so elegantly puts it in the trailer) but we don’t know for sure. She begins to explain near the end but Mark stops her because he doesn’t need to know anymore. It won’t change anything and he understands that. My reasons for not clarifying at the beginning or at any other point? Because we don’t need to know. The story isn't so much about why Lexie broke up with him as it is about Mark's reaction to it. We catch glimpses on the reason here and there, but it's really nothing solid, nor does it need to be to make the story work, I think.
The important thing to note here is that Lexie’s character is not at a standstill just because we can’t observe her. That is to say, she’s growing outside of the story. I really didn’t want to focus on her character more than necessary to make the story work, but I did try to leave enough tidbits to explain where she was coming from. Obviously, I didn’t do a very good job, lol. Those of you who have read Bittersweet know that I rely upon readers to make connections between scenes by establishing pattern of behaviour. The second flashback we deal with is Lexie telling Mark how she ran away from home (i.e. a place of comfort and security), but came back because she missed it too much. Similarly, she leaves Mark (who can be assumed to be a source of comfort and security to her) and, like before, she does come back. Unfortunately, she shows up at a bad time at the hotel (Mark comes home with that girl from the bar). Now, you can take her coming back as, she only did to give him his stuff back, or…she might just be using that as an excuse to see him and, in fact, does miss him. Maybe she came back to patch things up? After all, she lets herself be kissed. You gotta wonder if she’s unintentionally putting herself in a compromising situation? I don’t think it’s TOO big of a jump to come to that conclusion if you dig a little.
I try to avoid mentioning specific passages of time (e.g. five days passed, two months later, etc) mostly because there is no “set” time that it’s going to take for Mark to get over Lexie. So, I find it pointless to mention it at all and leave it up to the reader to establish the pace of the story. However, there are few instances where I did mention specific time periods, and the scene where Mark is sitting outside of the Grey house is one of them. In the opening paragraph of that scene, we find out it’s been about three weeks since the hotel incident. A little while later, Derek admits to Mark that Lexie’s been seeing the guy for - you guessed it - three weeks! Does this mean she’s gotten over Mark? I don’t think so. I mean, she started going out with this guy at roughly the same time that she last saw Mark with some woman at the hotel. Coincidence? Now if you tie in this with her reaction at the hotel, I don’t think it’s too crazy to say that she’s probably dating Adam because there’s a good chance she was hurt by what she saw. And if you go back farther, and question her motivation for showing up at the hotel (was it really just to see him or something more?), I think it adds more weight to the theory that Adam is, indeed, a rebound guy and someone Lexie is just “using” (whether she realizes it or not) to get over Mark.
Next scene! Alrighty, this is the one where Mark comes over for dinner and Lexie and her date unexpectedly return home early. Mostly, this sets up the reason why Lexie goes out to the trailer to him in the next scene, Mark’s line “I figured you had enough unpleasant memories of me. Didn’t want to leave you with another.” This statement, I think it’s safe to say, came at Lexie out of left field, and there is a moment where she’s confused by what he’s said. If you take into account everything I mentioned above, about the possibility that she misses him, unintentionally putting herself in a compromising position, potentially finding excuses to see him, all this suggests that she has feelings, still. And, I think, to some degree she’s aware she’s not over him so you can see why his statement would sort of blindside her. Of course, this statement is what causes her to go to the trailer and tell Mark that she doesn’t regret him (as he had implied with that). And, I think Lexie’s bang on in interpreting Mark’s meaning (unconscious as it had been) of him not wanting to do/say anything that might cause her to regret him. I’ll talk more about this when I talk about Mark. So, back to the trailer scene. You know, she’s obviously came back from a date (heels and little black dress) and yet she’s driven way out to his place in the middle of the night. That’s how much the thought (the regret thing) has been bothering her. And, once again, you gotta wonder if she’s subconsciously wants something to happen. After all, she could have waited until daytime, or could have talked to him at the hospital. But, instead, she’s going out at 2am to talk to Mark. Alone. At night. I think this all very obviously hints that she still has feelings for him (in case you hadn’t picked up on it before). Then, she gets there and stalls a little before Mark calls her out and she finally blurts what’s been on her mind. I kinda feel bad for her here because she’s going out on a limb, and Mark’s just not giving her an inch. Of course, then he asks her to stay and we get the zipper scene.
Lexie’s not the cheating kind. She’s just not that kind of girl. So, it says something when she just closes eyes and when she tilts her face up towards Mark. It’s like she’s saying To hell with it, and giving in to whatever is still between them. At this point, she’s pretty much forgotten about Adam. That’s not a relationship she’s invested in, and we see that come out in full force when reality comes crashing down around her in form of Mark’s questions. In fact, she seems downright shocked that Mark backs away, and considering what happened the last time they were alone (stairwell in the hotel), it’s hardly surprising. So, yeah, then we get this emotional outpouring from her and there shouldn’t be a doubt left that Adam is a nobody, and Mark’s been on her mind the whole time (“--because all I kept thinking was how his lips were too soft and his hands were rougher--”). We get a tiny little glimpse into how things have been for her so far. In the morning, she’s already gone and that’s probably for the best since things were a little too raw the night before.
Next is the elevator scene where Mark sees her laughing and hanging off the arm of her boyfriend. It seems she’s back to repressing her feelings for Mark, but now, of course, we know better than to think she’s not affected by the breakup and her feelings for him.
This brings us to the last scene where we find out Lexie’s broken up with Adam. That really shouldn’t be a surprise, I don’t think. Lexie’s a lot calmer in this scene, more serene almost. She’s not particularly hurt over dumping Adam, and she recognizes that and accepts it (“I thought I would care more. I should, shouldn’t I? It’s been almost three months, but…” She shrugs again, picking at her jacket). And we finally see a hint of reason as why she broke up with Mark (“You deserved better. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you-It’s just…I couldn’t give you what you wanted. And you deserved better than that.”). Honestly, for me, I could see Lexie resolving to “let loose” Mark if that was what was best for him. And, if you choose to decide to take that as her reason, it sorta explains why she has feelings for him throughout the story (also lends weight to the theory that she does). She didn’t break up with him because she wanted to - she felt as she had to, because she didn’t want the same things he did. The huge irony being, that letting go of Mark did, indeed, turn to be what’s best for him (not in the way she was thinking/expecting); he wouldn’t have grown the way he did, had she not. Things have a way of working out in the end. And because Mark has grown in this huge way, he realizes this and sees it for what it is (It doesn’t matter, the reason; there still would have been pain, and then cleansing. And maybe she did him a favour in all this, because this isn’t something he would have understood before her). And, so, we see him finally letting her off the hook.
Then, Lexie asks the Big Question (“Did you … Did you love me? Back then.”), and Mark answers….No. At this point, I guessed most of you would be going :O I promise to explain that when I write about Mark. There’s just one more thing I want to point out in this scene regarding Lexie. In a flashback, we saw her ask Mark if he would do it (Addison, Seattle) all over again. When he hesitates in giving the second half of his answer, she gets a little impatient and immediately prods him for a more complete answer. Here, however, when Mark gives her a cryptic response, expecting her to be fully agitated, she merely takes in it stride and it registers somewhere with Mark that Lexie, too, has changed. That’s the crux of it. She. Has. Changed. She’s not the same person she was at the beginning of the story. Do we get to witness that change? Not really. Is it necessary to the story? No. But can we venture a guess as to what brought it on? A little. I think breaking up with Adam finally got her to face the music regarding her feelings towards Mark (that they’re very much there still). And, she wants to go back, asks Mark in a roundabout way to take her back (“Do you think you could now? If I let you?”), but at the same time, I think she realizes it’s not possible for them to do that (“We can’t go back, can we?”).
In the end, she accepts everything as it is because it’s sorta like, she’s made her bed and now she has to lay it. When Mark pulls her in for that last hug, it’s very much a goodbye of sorts. They’re closing the door, so to speak, and Lexie - she just breaks because it feels so final and she’s just realized that she doesn’t want it to be.
Um, I think that’s it for Lexie…unless someone has questions? It’ll take me a while to get Mark up. Or if, no one’s interested, then I won’t bother with him at all. Let me know.
Part Two
Purgatory (fic)
Part I | Part I con't | Part II | Part II con't | Notes