I need so, to stay in your arms, see you smile, hold you close.
I'm still neglecting this thing as much as Snape neglects his hygiene, but I've managed to stop running about to sit for a bit this morning and write, because there is nothing else I can find to do.
I've just being trying to stay busy, stay out of trouble. Bit of the norm, you know? I'm still doing school work, I'm still managing my time to make sure I see Draco at least once every two days. I've been spending the better part of my free time outside now that it's summer, and warmer, and I can do my favorite summer things. With a bit of sweet talking and a charm I wasn't aware I had, I've managed to pull a few strings and really do the sort of things I enjoy during the summer, so that's good. Keeping busy.
Been diligently ignoring the owls my father has been sending from back home. He never used to send owls. Never. I mean, I'd get something maybe once a year, before, and now it's once a week. I don't know why he's so interested all of a sudden, though I might have some vague idea. Maybe he's heard I'm back together with Draco and he's realised this 'fag' thing isn't just a phase in my last few teenage years. I've barely bothered opening these letters anymore. It's just a pile on my desk, now.
I can only assume it was by some great higher power's help that I managed to get Draco to come outside with me for more than a three minute period. I'm happy he was willing to stay outside with me. I took him on the lake in a little boat. We stayed out on the lake for a little while, talking, cuddling, threatening to throw one another into the water ... then we decided it was just a bit too warm and found a bundle of trees blocking the sun rather well, magicked ourselves a plush blanket, settled in, and got in touch with nature, so to speak. I think I've managed to convince him that being outside isn't quite as bad as he previously believed. It was a good day. A very good day, one I'll remember forever, probably.
[private]
One of the few good days. Haven't heard from Sneevely in a while. Thankfully. Thank fuck. Even without those meetings every week, or his presence, I'm starting to feel the weight of this pin I constantly have to wear. It weighs nothing, but gets heavier everyday, and I can tell it's waiting for me to use it, wanting me to use it, everytime something doesn't quite go my way, or even just at random points through out the day when I'm around people. Lately, I don't even have to be around people. It's just like this constant, nagging thought in the back of your mind, kinda of like you've forgotten something you know you should remember, and it's going to drive you nuts until you figure it out.
Unless I keep myself distracted, it starts to bother me deeply. I start thinking people can tell when it starts bothering me. As if they're looking at me, suspicious like, and they're starting to catch on or something. I get worried they're going to figure it out, I get worried my face isn't set right, and I'm thinking about it too hard and I'm showing it, and these people in class, in the halls, they can tell, and I'm going to suffer because of it. It's ridiculous, I know ... how the fuck would they even make the connection? But, I can't help it. I've tired, and I can't help but think that. For weeks now, I've wanted nothing more than to stop going to classes completely, stop going to the Great Hall to eat. Just completely stop leaving my room because I don't know what to do. What would happen if I go out, and it starts to press on me again, I can't hide it, and my peers figure it out. What would happen if I just let go, and actually did something with it, and hurt someone?
I don't know why I was picked, all I know is that it was wrong. At first I didn't think it was a big deal. I don't know, maybe I didn't think about it at all. Maybe I was too angry with things to care, and it was something I could use. I don't care anymore what the reason was, I don't want to do any of this, and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to know about it. I'm scared of the next time a meeting is called, and what I'll be asked to do. Wondering if I'll be in trouble for not doing anything at all. I don't want to be sucked into my fathers past, and everyday, it's seeming more and more likely that that's going to happen, no matter what I do now.
"And now it weighs on me, as heavy as stone and of bone chilling cold."
[/private]
I've just being trying to stay busy, stay out of trouble. Bit of the norm, you know? I'm still doing school work, I'm still managing my time to make sure I see Draco at least once every two days. I've been spending the better part of my free time outside now that it's summer, and warmer, and I can do my favorite summer things. With a bit of sweet talking and a charm I wasn't aware I had, I've managed to pull a few strings and really do the sort of things I enjoy during the summer, so that's good. Keeping busy.
Been diligently ignoring the owls my father has been sending from back home. He never used to send owls. Never. I mean, I'd get something maybe once a year, before, and now it's once a week. I don't know why he's so interested all of a sudden, though I might have some vague idea. Maybe he's heard I'm back together with Draco and he's realised this 'fag' thing isn't just a phase in my last few teenage years. I've barely bothered opening these letters anymore. It's just a pile on my desk, now.
I can only assume it was by some great higher power's help that I managed to get Draco to come outside with me for more than a three minute period. I'm happy he was willing to stay outside with me. I took him on the lake in a little boat. We stayed out on the lake for a little while, talking, cuddling, threatening to throw one another into the water ... then we decided it was just a bit too warm and found a bundle of trees blocking the sun rather well, magicked ourselves a plush blanket, settled in, and got in touch with nature, so to speak. I think I've managed to convince him that being outside isn't quite as bad as he previously believed. It was a good day. A very good day, one I'll remember forever, probably.
[private]
One of the few good days. Haven't heard from Sneevely in a while. Thankfully. Thank fuck. Even without those meetings every week, or his presence, I'm starting to feel the weight of this pin I constantly have to wear. It weighs nothing, but gets heavier everyday, and I can tell it's waiting for me to use it, wanting me to use it, everytime something doesn't quite go my way, or even just at random points through out the day when I'm around people. Lately, I don't even have to be around people. It's just like this constant, nagging thought in the back of your mind, kinda of like you've forgotten something you know you should remember, and it's going to drive you nuts until you figure it out.
Unless I keep myself distracted, it starts to bother me deeply. I start thinking people can tell when it starts bothering me. As if they're looking at me, suspicious like, and they're starting to catch on or something. I get worried they're going to figure it out, I get worried my face isn't set right, and I'm thinking about it too hard and I'm showing it, and these people in class, in the halls, they can tell, and I'm going to suffer because of it. It's ridiculous, I know ... how the fuck would they even make the connection? But, I can't help it. I've tired, and I can't help but think that. For weeks now, I've wanted nothing more than to stop going to classes completely, stop going to the Great Hall to eat. Just completely stop leaving my room because I don't know what to do. What would happen if I go out, and it starts to press on me again, I can't hide it, and my peers figure it out. What would happen if I just let go, and actually did something with it, and hurt someone?
I don't know why I was picked, all I know is that it was wrong. At first I didn't think it was a big deal. I don't know, maybe I didn't think about it at all. Maybe I was too angry with things to care, and it was something I could use. I don't care anymore what the reason was, I don't want to do any of this, and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to know about it. I'm scared of the next time a meeting is called, and what I'll be asked to do. Wondering if I'll be in trouble for not doing anything at all. I don't want to be sucked into my fathers past, and everyday, it's seeming more and more likely that that's going to happen, no matter what I do now.
"And now it weighs on me, as heavy as stone and of bone chilling cold."
[/private]